Cavemen and other badly dressed warriors have been caught up in thousands of blood curdling wars. Some so ferocious and terrifying that Ross Kemp’s gang programme makes him look soft compared to Roman Emperors and Greek Gods who ate babies for pudding.

When people saw sense, removed their spears from their rivals’ intestines and vowed never to fight again, the world became a better place. But then again, these ancient fighters never had to deal with celebrity folk flinging words at each other today. In the creaking era of Britpop, it was Blur vs Oasis, and today everyone is entitled to have a pop at Kerry Katona. Some people, however, feel that arguments with humans are pointless. Why bicker with someone who could counter your argument when you can do it with a technology that can’t respond? Metallica’s James Hetfield certainly thinks so.

Back in the day when most people were illegally filesharing via Napster, Metallica decided that people spreading their angry music for free was a bad thing. We wholeheartedly agree. Who could be arsed to listen to an album full of shouty ramblings when the same effect could be achieved by visiting a working men’s club at throwing-out time? Drunken old people are an untapped source of amusement and chaos. Napster founder Shawn Fanning and whiny drummer Lars Ulrich got at each others throats for a while before resolving their differences over a cup of cocoa and a slice of lemon tart at a local café. We think.

Whilst filesharing gave fans the chance to listen and try out music for free, YouTube is the 21st century version of this for the lazy gig-goer. Don’t fancy spending £50 on a gig ticket? Not bothered about being covered in sweat and piss? Never felt like experiencing a kick in the face from a crowd surfer? Then YouTube is the website for you.

After most major gigs, fans post their experiences for everyone to see. Granted, the picture quality is like playing a glitchy version of Tetris and the sound is like a chainsaw going through brick but don’t worry! If you concentrate really hard, you can maybe make out the chord of a song for a split second. At Metallica’s recent gig in the O2 arena, the sight of the bands fans recording the gig in thirty-second chunks boiled James Hetfield’s piss to make him as narked off as Lars Ulrich. Digital Spy reports:

“Hetfield addressed the crowd early in the show and said: “Put the f***ing cameras away, put the phones away.”

With their new album already leaked all over the internet, some craptastic quality recordings of a promotional gig for the album really can’t do that much harm can they? Maybe they can collaborate with Prince to ban all their material from YouTube. Maybe they can call any material that comes from these anti YouTube sessions Self Centered Twattery Aid. Prince has issues with the internet remember, but not newspapers giving his albums away for free.

Why did Hetfield think the crowd were recording him and his fellow rockers? For all he knew they could have been bored shitless and ringing their mates, ordering a cab after the gig had finished, or ordering a pizza to be delivered outside the venue.

Oh, and you get to be complete and total prannocks about seemingly everything involving the internet, yet still somehow manage to maintain the credibility that would clearly be destroyed if you were any other musical act in the world. Things, they are strange.

For this time Metallica have decided that allowing people they have invited to listen to their new music to review it would be something of a cardinal sin. Possibly on a par with the holocaust, but we’re still waiting for a quote on that one.

It all began a few days ago when the band invited a number of music journalists to hear their new material, somewhere in London. These critics gorged their aural senses with the gravelly-voiced delights of James Hetfield and co. and returned to their respective abodes, fresh in the knowledge that they could freely impart their newfound wisdom to the fans of the world.

Unfortunately, these journos seemed to forget that to satiate the hunger of these waiting Metallica fans they would have to use the tool most hated by the band: the internet. In using this evil device – which was probably crafted by Satan no less – the information pertaining to the new album was uploaded onto a few blogs.

Good God, what were they thinking?!

It didn’t take too long for Metallica to get wind of this though, and soon enough they were out bullying the sites where reviews were hosted, forcing them to withdraw the offending articles.

Just as with the horror that was Napster and its ridiculous idea of a future where digital distribution could thrive, the tiny, underprivileged band managed to safeguard their music and their reputation once more.

So thank you, Metallica. Thank you for being so utterly, completely and totally insane. Thank you for hating technology, discouraging innovation and stamping down on all those far smaller than you. It makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside to know that you’re still a bunch of tossers.