Hipster Nick Knowles, James Franco, the man fancied by women who like to think they’re clever, is making a porn film. Get that? Porn. In a film. With James Franco. We imagine there will be flash flooding in certain undercarriages right now.

However, we’d like to put the scuppers on your arousal by pointing out that this won’t be a bongo film starring Franco, but rather, a vaguely pretentious documentary made by the actor.

Don’t worry. There’s some salacious stuff for you to get your teeth into all the same, you sickening debauchotrons.

Basically, Franco realised that it isn’t easy turning people on just by having sex in front of them. Especially if you insist on being pretentious all the time and saying rubbish like:

“A lot of the people in San Francisco think of themselves as healers – not just as people delivering this base service, but giving their clients spiritual help. It’s almost like being an actor, playing a different part for each trick.”

Anyway, you want to know about the sexy sex sex don’t you? Well, Franco once made a sex tape with a girlfriend and on watching it, noticed that it was roughly as arousing as mopping with sick.

However, this experience gave him a new respect for porn stars.

“When I was young, I got a video camera and my girlfriend and I decided to film ourselves and watched it back and said, ‘Yeah, well, let’s never watch that again.’

“Those people in pornos, they are great performers; they’re not just doing it, they’re selling it to an audience… they’re performing so that an audience can get turned on by that kinda thing.

“My girlfriend and I didn’t know that, so it was just kinda like weird movement… It was really boring”.

James Franco? Boring? Never!

Of course, he’s right that adult film actors are worthy of praise. Anyone who can do a half-convincing job of enjoying themselves while indulging in themselves in something that has gone beyond tedium while a fat, anonymous man makes money from your sex deserves a pat on the back. Or at least a massive hug while they cry down your shirt at the horror of it all.

Franco continues:

“I actually am very interested in pornography… I watch it, who doesn’t? I’m making a documentary on pornography. There’s this amazing facility in San Francisco… They do everything in house, they build their props in house. It’s an incredible place”.

A place of semen, lube and repressed anxiety. Sounds like RADA.

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Arm-hacking enthusiast James Franco has confirmed the end of five-year relationship with actress Ahna O’Reilly citing a love of books as the reason for their terminating their ‘love contract’.

The actor, famous for managing to look handsome while cutting off his arm in ’127 Hours’ has confirmed his five-year romance with Ahna O’Reilly has ended because he is so busy with his other education commitments, although he did not manage to reveal when they ended their relationship, presumably realising that no-one would give two hoots.

Women everywhere (who read Playboy?) are said to be feeling listless and lost. First George Clooney becomes single and now George Clooney Jnr has become single. Who do they go for? Who do they pin their idiotic hopes on? They’ll never get either of them, but now there’s two.

hecklerspray can testify to the fact that it’s extremely difficult to stalk more than one person. That’s why we have a writing team.

Frano has been studying at Yale University, New York University, Warren Wilson College in North Carolina, Brooklyn College and Columbia University which either means that he’s something of a polymath or just that he’s too thick to stay anywhere for more than a year. What is he even studying?

He told the new issue of Playboy magazine:

“It’s over. That lasted about four or five years. We’d been living together in Los Angeles and then came to New York to go to school for two years. Then I signed up for more school at Yale. I think that was it for her.”

That’s heartbreaking, isn’t it? He signed up for ‘more school’. More. School. A phrase which is a shocking indictment of the English tutors at Ivy League universities but let’s not dwell on that too much. We’re clearly just bitter.

James admitted in the interview that he hasn’t had much luck with women, particularly when he was at school because he was so “shy and awkward”. It’s a real pity that he never really blossomed as a person and became a film star. James Franco really is one of the forgotten men of Hollywood. Oh… wait…

When asked by the Playboy interviewer, who was rubbing his thighs, when he lost his virginity, he said:

“In high school with my girlfriend. Her name was Jasmine. We went out freshman year and then I blew it. She kind of got over me, but we got back together at the beginning of junior year and dated for two years. She was my first real relationship.

“I think girls liked me, but I was awkward, shy and emotionally immature, so I didn’t have a ton of girlfriends. I had short-term relationships and always got dumped, I think because I was too slow for them.”

That might be why he keeps signing up for ‘more and more school’ because he’s worried he’s slow. Girls don’t like guys who are slow. That’s why none of hecklerspray’s male writers get any girls. Ever.

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The slightly good looking version of Dean Gaffney, James Franco, has inexplicably decided to open his mouth and let some words come out. The current words of choice revolve around social networking.

According to Mr Franco, who we have to confess to having absolutely no idea who he is, social networking is as dead as a dead duck.

Of course, this fella who is probably some kind of jazz singer like Michael Buble or something, has been an avid Tweeter but now thinks that twitter is over and done with.

This man, who means absolutely nothing to anyone, said:

“Social media is over. Still up there. Going down. You heard it here first”

He continued, apropos of nothing

“My thought was, ‘This is my Twitter. I can do whatever I want.’ But certain companies I work with contacted me about what I was saying”

And what? So someone got in touch and either noticed what you were saying or decided that what you were saying wasn’t appropriate, which left you to cry off like a simpering, snivelling little sack of wimp?

More pressingly, who is James Franco? Tell us in the comments or whatever. Better yet, call him names on our twitter account because he’ll never see it there.

Be as libellous as you want.

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This week in cool and crap.

Folded:

• Daniel Radcliffe seems right up for a laugh (good on him for not taking the shinola too seriously)
• Advent (providing you have this advent calendar it’s the most wonderful time of the year)
• Twenty minutes of soundtrack brilliance (buy the whole thing on 7th December. Money well spent, kids)
• Baggs ‘The Brand’ (gawd help us, he’s becoming likeable)
• Farmers (heroes at this time of year; blighters who pull out in front of you on tight country lanes any other)

Creased:

• Leslie Nielson RIP (we’ve done all the jokes, so find yourself a copy of The Naked Gun and watch him do them better)
• Christmas is just 22 days away (and you haven’t bought a thing, HAVE YOU?!)
• Snow in London (it’s the end of the world!!!!)
• Cheap mulled wine (listen, pubs and bars, it takes more than just heating a bottle of Lindeman’s over the stove and popping in an orange segment, ok?)
• Anne Hathaway and James Franco to host next year’s Academy Awards (if you don’t care about this story you’re a heartless fiend)

Ah! The Oscars! The awards ceremony that means absolutely piss-all to anyone apart from those who make posters for films and rental DVDs. Having ‘Oscar Winner’ on your blurb makes you look like you know what you’re doing, even if you won the award for providing the best prosthetic ears or something.

Anyway, Tinseltown is getting all excited in preparation for the event as are, presumably, the various cocaine dealers in the vicinity.

But who will present the awards? Well, you’ll be thrilled to learn that it is none-other than Anne Hathaway and James Franco! You know? Those two. They uh… umm… their names are familiar aren’t they? Are they in that vampire show? No?

Well, Hathaway and Franco will be the two actors (we know that much for certain – that they’re actors) who got the official co-hosting nod from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

However, it could be tricky as Hathaway may also be on the voting ballots for her role in Love and Other Drugs. Franco might be up for an award for his turn in 127 Hours.

Unless, of course, this is a clarion call to those in the industry – get the hosting gig and you’re definitely not winning shit. That said, loads of hosts may have won Oscars, even though they were presenting the show. We wouldn’t know and don’t really care.

We’re just relaying this information to you in the grasping hope that you might find it even remotely interesting. You don’t do you? Damn.

One thing is for certain – this pairing will be better than last years. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin were pretty rubbish when they hosted the event. At least Hathaway and Franco are really good looking, so if all else fails, they can simply stand there looking attractive.

The Oscars happens on February 27th, so expect loads of rubbish sites and magazines to fill your eyes of people in swanky dresses and gowns.

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When looking for someone to act as the once-prodigious, now-dead Jeff Buckley why not go for talent on the level of Robert Pattinson?

After all, he is an actor lacking any discernable passion, he is attractive in a thoroughly mediocre way and he’s generally a bit crap.

It’s a perfect fit for the lead role in the still-vaunted biopic of Jeff Buckley. Especially if Pattinson is into method acting and decides to do his own stunts. In the drowning scene.

Too harsh?

Okay, maybe we don’t want Robert Pattinson dead simply for wanting to play Jeff Buckley – after all, he is just a middle-of-the-road acting type, who only achieved fame by starring in some truly awful films that appeal to children and idiots.

And after all, he only wants to play a middle-of-the-road singer, who only achieved popularity through being both dead and associated with The X Factor.

It’s a partnership for the ages.

In fact, maybe the film will feature Buckley as he is right now, thus taking complete advantage of Pattinson’s “lifeless corpse” acting the manchild employs in so much of his work. The charisma on show would be sure to be palpable.

As reported on Digital Spy, Buckley’s mum said these words:

“Whoever gets the part will need a lot of self-discipline because they won’t be able to fake it. It’s going to take a phenomenal set of skills.”

So it’s going to need real talent as well as acting talent? Ah. Robert Pattinson is probably out then. This would mean the other hopefuls – Jared Leto, James Franco and James Marsden – should probably be struck off the list along with Captain Flatface.

Though, to be fair, at least he doesn’t smell. Even if all of his time will be taken up bathing in tween urine and making dozens of incredibly dull vampire films.

The quest to rape the memory of a reasonably-talented songmeister who had a ridiculously short life continues apace.

Reports that X Factor winner Alexandra Burke was set to feature in a DVD extra where she takes a steaming dump on the grave of Buckley while chanting “hallelujah” were unconfirmed at the time of writing.

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