When she’s not going to poverty stricken places looking all wealthy, Angelina Jolie has a sideline in acting. That’s right. She pretends to be other people and other people pay her for it. Like us, she’s paid to lie.
So from being the new Lady Diana to what? Well, she could be starring as Cleopatra in a film that could well be getting made about The Most Beautiful Woman Ever Apparently.
Who says? Well, Oscar-winning director (we’re legally obliged to write that) James Cameron says he has no doubt that Angelina Jolie would be great if she took on the role of Cleopatra in a rumoured big screen biopic. Read More >>>
It’s long been fairly common knowledge and source of minor irony that O.J. Simpson was originally in the running to play the cyborg in The Terminator, only to be denied by director James Cameron who thought that Simpson was just ‘too nice’.
Is his face red now.
But that didn’t stopped him from blabbing about it all over the TV recently, naturally.
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Who’s the most dangerous celebrity? Which fiend of myth wields the most power?
Cheryl Cole/Tweedy/Whatever? She’s only beaten up one toilet attendant, and that’s nothing for a Northern Girl, Cheryl Weedy more like. Russell Crowe? Well, there’s his terrible band with the terrible name and he can throw a mean phone, but that’s nothing new. Just ask Naomi Campbell.
No, it’s none of these monsters of legend – it’s Oprah. Oprah has just won the title of ‘officially the most powerful celebrity it the world’. And she won it with an elbow takedown in the fifth round, apparently.
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People have run out of ideas about how to fix the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. That said, they only ever had one idea.
Golf balls. Apparently golf balls don’t fix environmental catastrophes. Who knew? But anyway, now that the lack of a solution has become equally disastrous and embarrassing, the authorities have decided to call in the big guns. That’s right, James Cameron is on the case.
No, not a world-class environmental scientist called James Cameron. James Cameron James Cameron. The Avatar guy. He knows exactly how to repair the broken pipeline because he owns some submarines and he knows a lot about underwater stuff. Or, failing that, he can just plug the hole with his increasingly berserk Helen Mirren haircut. Either way, he’s our new hero!
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Now that it’s April, we don’t have to remember anything about what happened at The Oscars, and it’s beautiful.
We don’t have to remember the winners. We don’t have to remember the forced stage banter. In fact, aside from the speech where Sandra Bullock praised her husband without realising that he’d been secretly boning a tattooed Nazi fetishist on the sly, we don’t remember a single thing about The Oscars at all. But Sigourney Weaver does.
Sigourney Weaver remembers that her film Avatar hardly won any Oscars, even though it was prettier than everything else, more technologically advanced than anything else and had about 30 more offensive blue Jesus-aliens in it than anything else. Why does Sigourney Weaver think that Avatar fared so miserably at The Oscars – simple, it’s because James Cameron doesn’t have a vagina. Obviously.
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Each year the Oscars have a theme. Admittedly most of the time the theme is Sobbing Millionaires, so nobody really notices.
But not this year. This year it looks like the main Oscars theme will be Whatever You Do, Don’t Piss James Cameron Off. One movie producer has already been banned from the Oscars for badmouthing Avatar in an email, and now Sacha Baron Cohen has also been told to stay away because his planned Avatar skit might have ended up offending James Cameron.
Not that James Cameron minds. In fact, he’s said that he’d love the Oscars to poke fun at Avatar. Obviously the people responsible for the poking will never work in Hollywood again, and their house might mysteriously burn down in the middle of the night, and all the food they eat afterwards might taste a bit like poison, but that’s all part of the fun, isn’t it?
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Last night The Hurt Locker swept the board at the BAFTAs, winning six awards. But screw all that.
Because we were there too. As is becoming gloriously traditional, hecklerspray was invited to cover the BAFTAs red carpet. And, as is becoming equally traditional, we were abysmal. While we may have seen the likes of James Cameron and Prince William and Robert Pattinson from a distance, our freakish proximity to George Lamb from BBC Three meant that most of these people sensibly kept as far away from us as possible.
What follows is a video diary of the night. It’s intended to be a first-hand account of A-list BAFTAs glamour. You, on the other hand, might see it as the painful unravelling of one man’s mind as he slowly realises that he’s desperately in love with George Lamb from Young Butcher Of The Year. Please enjoy, and promise not to judge us too harshly…
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Let’s play a game. Imagine Avatar. Imagine everything you liked about Avatar. Now remove all the 3D.
Now remove the breathtaking visuals. Now remove all the nuanced motion capture performances, the emotive score, the cutting-edge technology and the spectacle of seeing a perfectly-realised alien world come to life in such perfect detail that you secretly wished you live there. You’ve got a slightly gormless environmental story about a lanky blue Jesus who flies around on a pterodactyl having it off with tentacly aliens all the time.
Or you’ve got the Avatar prequel novel that James Cameron wants to write. It doesn’t matter which; they’re just as rubbish-sounding as each other.
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