Celebrities have always endorsed tat to make a bit of extra coin for themselves. They’re a brazen bunch, willing to sign up to almost anything. It’s almost impressive really. They’re nakedly greedy and don’t mind showing it off.

From Iggy Pop’s dodgy insurance commercials to Chubby Checker endorsing his own beef jerky, there’s always someone trying to steal a coin from your pocket.

However, marketing and pop culture – as intertwined as they may be – don’t mix too well sometimes. This is why we’re going to have a look at some of the more peculiar celebrity endorsements.

Of course, when compiling lists such as this, there will always be omissions.

So, here’s the bit where we say: Have we missed your favourite out? If so, stop your stupid whining and tell us about it in the comments so we can all see just how brilliant you are. Okay?

Is that all cleared up now?

Should bloody think so too. Complaining swine.

Anyway, this is mere fluff, designed to wrap the text around this stupid advert we’ve got in the middle of our articles.

Let us proceed in watching some videos shall we?

Warren G Helps You With Your Erection Problems

We we heard that Nate Dogg and the G Child were in need of something eeeeelse, we didn’t know it was cock-drops, administered while the G-Funker was on the pan taking a dump. Expert advertising.

Rolling Stones Sell Cereal

Who would have ever thought that The Rolling Stones were money obsessed! It is really very surprising news for all concerned!

Mikhail Gorbachev Sells Junk Food

Oh look! The Cold War was ended by Mikhail’s fondness for pizza! And no, he hasn’t spilled a bit of the tomato base on his head, you monsters.

James Brown Sells Noodle Soup

While JB making a fast buck ain’t nothing to jerk in astonishment over, the commercial itself really is. Absolutely baffling.

Andy Warhol… well… uh…

This. This is a very strange commercial indeed.

Ringo Starr Joins The Monkees

What do you get if you cross The Beatles and The Monkees? The Byrds? Who knows? This started off as a joke, but alas, we didn’t think of a proper punchline. You’re being warned with peace and love and all that.

OJ Simpson’s Car Commercial

OJ Simpson’s most famous moment is… well… probably that bit in Naked Gun when he has an accident in a wheelchair. His second most known spot was when he went on the run from the law in a motorcar. Funny then, that he did an advert for car hire.

Dusty Flogs Bread

Possibly the greatest voice in pop gets to sing about Mothers Pride bread. Seems a bit daft. Still, not nearly as daft as when Blue sang about Mother’s Pride in their hit, ‘All Rise’.

Brad Pitt wants you to buy loads of crisps

Look! It’s Brad Pitt from Seven and Twelve Monkeys. What a fine, fine actor he is! He really gets to show his thespian skills in this Pringles spot.

Bruce Willis sells something or other

We’ve no idea what it is that Bruce is selling here, but we do know that it is both wet and dry, as well as giving Willis the ability to do a cheeky little ballet move at 0.12 in this commercial

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James Brown is a man who has had his back catalogue plundered like no other. Hip hop producers stole lick after lick, break after break, making JB relevant long after many other soul singers had shuffled off into some musical wilderness.

Not that Brown would’ve minded because he was already in the business of recycling his own hits for pay.

And while this isn’t strictly a cover version, it’s interesting to note that the famous version of the song everyone called ‘I Feel Good’ was by no means the first.JB recorded an early version of ‘I Got You (I Feel Good)’ with a different arrangement under the title ‘I Got You’ in ’64. In this Smash Records version, the composition was there but not quite right.

Thanks to some court action from another label that James Brown was signed to, the record didn’t quite make the mark it intended to. It was a later version in ’65 that propelled James Brown to proper, and rightful superstardom.

However, before JB and his Famous Flames hit big, he’d nailed the version which would send him into the stratosphere with a little known singer called Yvonne Fair.

JB produced loads of great girl soul singers (check out his work with Marva Whitney and have fun spotting all the bits of her records stolen by ’80s and ’90s hip-hop outfits) and Yvonne, who would get success in the ’70s on Motown cut the blueprint for what would become one of the most famous records in pop history.

Of course, JB liked to release multiple versions of many singles, recutting ‘I Got You (I Feel Good)’ again at a later date with yet another arrangement.

Let’s have a listen shall we?

Yvonne Fair ‘I Found You’

James Brown ‘I Feel Good’

You’ve heard it a million times, so here’s an ace version from Ski Party, which sees JB dancing around in a dodgy sweater. The version that appears on Ski Party is the 1964 cut, which differs from the really famous version you hear everywhere. Check out the creeped out organ that crops up throughout.

…and yet another version from JB!

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Not so long ago Uncle Hecklerspray sat you on its knee and told you about Mariah Carey’s champagne-inspired ‘Best Breakthrough Actress’ award acceptance speech at the Palm Springs International Film Festival awards.

Well, it’s time to nestle yourselves back onto Uncle’s lap again. That’s it, get comfortable. Why don’t you fetch yourself a nice big mug of Horlick’s and listen to your Uncle H tell you about some more celebrities who’ve been on TV worse for wear. Say, 12 of them? Okay.

Just don’t touch Uncle Hecklerspray’s beard while he’s talking…

12 – Ollie Reed on Aspel & Company

The king of the elbow-benders Oliver Reed once drank 106 pints of beer in a two day session. Demonstrating his love of the shant here (and also an alarming penchant for chinos), he jazzes up what looks to be an otherwise dull programme. Michael Aspel interviewing Su Pollard anyone?

11 – Ollie Reed on After Dark

Reed made lubricated appearances on other shows such as The Word, but his appearance on After Dark, a tedious eighties late-night discussion show trumps them all. Sloshed throughout and barely comprehensible, his interjections on feminism don’t go down very well. Much like a feminist. The crowning glory here is the line, “Give us a kiss, big tits!” Gawd bless ya’, Ollie.

10 – Kerry Katona on This Morning

No-one wants to read about the frozen food-whoring, oxygen-stealing former Atomic Kitten. But this list would be incomplete without mention of her “M’on meddy-cashion at night times thass why I’m schlurrin’ ma speeeeech” silliness. Kudos to Philip Schofield for maximum patronisation here, although we are duty-bound to inform you that Katona maintains she wasn’t actually drunk through any of this.

9 – Ben Affleck

Being a Hollywood star’s quite good isn’t it? You drink complementary champagne with Matt Damon until 4am, you go on TV the next day still steaming to promote your new film. You flirt with attractive French Canadian presenters. And share a cab home with her. Later your wife comes home, she’s Jennifer Garner. Yep, quite good.

8 – Danny DeVito on The View

Being a Hollywood star’s quite good isn’t it? You drink complementary Limoncellos with George Clooney until 4am, go on live TV the next day still steaming to promote your new film. Then you flirt with Bette Midler. And share a cab home with Rosie O’Donnell. When you get there your wife’s waiting. It’s the ugly curly-haired one from Cheers. You’re 4’3”. Yep, quite go… Oh.

7 – Verne Troyer on Celebrity Big Brother

Incredibly, Danny DeVito’s not the shortest man on this list. Here’s Mini-Me crashing his scooter in the Big Brother Diary Room door. He was drunk, but to be fair to the little man, he had two chocolate liqueurs that evening.

6 – Paula Abdul

There were too many clips to choose from here, so we’ve gone for a montage. Again, like Katona, Paula Abdul maintains that this is her in her natural state. Which seems worse, in many ways.

5 – James Brown

Now this is how you do drunk. None of this ‘See it off! Zulu warrior!‘, traffic cones on heads and fights in the toilets of Flares nightclub nonsense. Follow the Godfather of Soul‘s technique: You get loaded in the morning, take part in an interview about how you’re on bail for shooting at your wife, you wear the world’s biggest yellow shades and randomly shout out the titles of James Brown hits. LIVING IN AMERICA!

4 – Steve-O on Too Late With Adam Carolla

Steve-O is an idiot. Or, he is a fiercely intelligent post-modern satirist. Either way, here’s him being drunk. On TV.

3 – Sam Fox on The Club

In 2003, everybody’s favourite Page three model turned singer turned lesbian turned dull I’m A Celebrity… contestant Sam Fox featured in a reality show called The Club, working in a nightclub. You see where this is going don’t you? At least you’d better, c’mon this is the tenth one of these… That’s it! She got drunk. Look see.

2 – Anna Nicole Smith at awards show

To marry a 132-year-old man you’d need a bit of Dutch courage. Before her appearance at this awards ceremony, Anna Nicole Smith is thought to have had two big jugs of ale. Two big jugs! Ha!

1 – Kevin Bishop at the Comedy Awards

Look how angry Bishop gets that a series only slightly less worse than his own wins an award that he is also nominated for. He’s so angry and irritating and drunk here that you just want to punch him in the face. And then punch him again. Head butt and kick him a few times, then smash his stupid Kevin Bishop face against a table until he’s in a state that would render him completely unable to be recommissioned for another series.

So there you are. Did you enjoy that? Oh, look, you’ve crumpled Uncle Hecklerspray’s corduroy trousers from wriggling about too much on his lap. The wet patch? Not sure what that is. You must’ve spilt your Horlicks or something…

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Gloria Daniel, the former girlfriend of former alive funk legend, James Brown, has been talking to GQ magazine about their unbelievably strange sex life.

According to Daniel, “Motherfucker was crazy,” and, “It was the drugs.”

“He tried like hell, though,” she says. “He’d wear you out. That man died trying to come.”

Well, this is joyous news. Nobody likes a drugged-up 70-year-old trying to come more than hecklerspray. And if anybody tries to tell you different, it’s a goddamn lie.

Daniel went on to regale GQ with a story concerning Mr. Brown that is so brilliant we’re not even going to try and change the words, so here it is verbatim:

"One night in the summer of 2001, after he’d slathered her in Vaseline (“He liked you all greased up,” she says. “Like a porkchop”) and wore her out trying to come, he gave up and left the room, and Gloria dozed off. When she woke up, Mr. Brown was standing at the foot of the bed in a full-length mink coat over his bare chest, a black cowboy hat, and silk pajama pants with one leg tucked into a cowboy boot and the other hanging out. He had a shotgun over his shoulder and a white stripe of Noxzema under each eye. “I’m an Indian tonight, baby,” he announced. “C’mon, let’s let ’em have it.” Then he dumped a pickle jar of change on the floor, told her to get a machete, and went out to the garage. He took the Rolls, drove ten miles to Augusta, weaving all over the road, clipping mailboxes, smoking more dope, and screaming about being an Indian."

Sweet Jesus. Go back and read it again. Go on. We’ll wait right here. Done it? How great was that?

James Brown truly was the last of the great mental musicians. Jim Morrison’s gone. Keith Moon’s gone. Who, of our unfortunate current lot, is going to do such wonderful things? You won’t catch Dan Gillespie-Sells of The Feeling or Luke Pritchard of The Kooks drinking a bottle of cough medicine through their eye and then pissing it onto a television as it falls from a fourth-storey window onto a granny. This is the kind of behaviour we want from our rock stars!

RIP James Brown. Hecklerspray misses you.

Read More – Papa – GQ Blog