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james bond

Quantum Of Solace: Crap New Bond Title Revealed

by Stuart Heritage

The title of the new James Bond film has just been announced, and it’s so bad we think we might cry.

Quantum Of Solace. There. The new James Bond movie will be called Quantum Of Solace. That’s what the combined brainpower of an Oscar-winning writer, two veteran James Bond writers and a team of expert producers have come up with. Quantum Of Solace. Titting Quantum Of Solace. Christ.

Useless. Everyone knows that all James Bond movie titles should be based on a popular saying with the word ‘Die’ where the word ‘Live’ should be while containing at least one weak pun about vaginas, and this bugger doesn’t do any of that.

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New Bond Girl Has Name You’ll Never Be Able To Pronounce Or Spell

by Stuart Heritage

The announcement has been a long time coming, but finally the Bond girl to star alongside Daniel Craig in the upcoming 007 movie is Olga Kurilenka… Olga Kurrylink… Olga Kurre… oh look, it’s some Ukrainian girl.

In fact the new Bond girl’s name is actually quite easy to pronounce – it’s Olga Kurylenko, female star of that recent Hitman film that nobody went to see.

And if you can’t pronounce ‘Olga Kurylenko’ now you’d better put some time in, because not only is she destined to become a big star following her Bond girl role but at some point in the next decade you’ll probably wind up as some sort of cowering low-ranked manservant to an all-powerful Russian oligarch and he’ll probably beat you less if you’re able to say that sort of name properly.

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Daniel Craig To Be James Bond For A Very Long Time

by Stuart Heritage

Casino Royale. It was OK and everything, but when we think of James Bond we imagine a creaky old leather-skinned corset-wearing man huffing and puffing after baddies in a safari suit, and that isn’t Daniel Craig – yet.

But, by christ, it will be soon enough. Daniel Craig has reportedly signed a deal to keep playing James Bond for another four movies, hopefully at the end of which he’ll have perfected the wheezing belly/combover combination that everyone expects from 007. But at least Daniel Craig is getting properly reimbursed for it – according to rumours, the four-movie deal he’s been given will make him the highest-paid actor in Britain, which should at least mean he won’t feel the need to make cock like The Invasion again.

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Pierce Brosnan Possibly Smacks A Snapper

by Stuart Heritage

If only James Bond was based on the life of Pierce Brosnan, things would be so much better – Tomorrow Never Dies might have included a scene where 007 rolled round a car park trying to punch a photographer in the ribs and swearing a lot.

Because, if you haven’t already guessed, that’s what Pierce Brosnan has been accused of doing. Malibu police are apparently investigating claims that Pierce Brosnan attacked a paparazzi photographer outside a Los Angeles restaurant on Friday after telling him to “fuck off” and “get a real fucking job.” Reports that Daniel Craig plans to beat up exactly the same photographer next week in a grittier and more slightly convincing way – using less invisible cars and sky lasers – are still totally unfounded.

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Celebrity Haiku Competition: Amy Winehouse

by C J Davies

Fact: most revivals are bad.

Star Wars. The Happy Mondays. Chris Evan’s career. In fact, take a look at any attempt to bring back a cultural milestone and you’ll notice that the end result is invariably cack-based.

One thing that has long been overdue a resurgence, however, is hecklerspray’s Celebrity Haiku Competition. Okay, okay, so maybe we’re confusing ‘cultural milestone’ with ‘something to do if you’ve got a spare five minutes to tit around on a Monday’, but that’s just semantics.

‘Hold on a second,’ some of you may be screaming. ‘I’m relatively new to hecklerspray. What is this Celebrity Haiku Competition of which you speak? Tell me! Dear Christ, tell me, or else mother won’t get her food parcel thrown down into the basement today.’

Calm yourselves. Details after the jump…

More… Basically, right, Celebrity Haiku Competition (or CHC, as all the cool kids call it, or will assuredly do so one day) does exactly what it says on the tin. Each week we take a topical celebrity story and ask you, dear readers, to compose your very own haiku about it. The winner receives a very special prize.

Two whole packets of Space Raiders crisps.

So, then: if you want to be in with the chance to win a double-set of the finest alien-based budget snacks on the market, simply get your poetry-scribblin’ glands on standby and compose an ode to this week’s story:

Beehive-haired warbler Amy Winehouse has been dropped as the vocalist for the new James Bond film theme song.

All you have to do is remember the golden rule of haiku: five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables. An example – based on this week’s topic – would look a little something like this:

Girl who sang ‘rehab’

finds herself cast off from new

double-oh seven

Yeah, yeah – that was rubbish. We know. And that’s why we’re giving you the chance to do, like, six million times better. Entries in the comments box below, if you please…

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Bond Producers Drop Winehouse – Contactmusic

Fact: most revivals are bad. Star Wars. The Happy Mondays. Chris Evan's career. In fact, take a look at any attempt to bring back a cultural milestone and you'll notice that the end result is invariably cack-based. One thing that has long been overdue a resurgence, however, is hecklerspray's Celebrity Haiku Competition. Okay, okay, so maybe we're confusing 'cultural milestone' with 'something to do if you've got a spare five minutes to tit around on a Monday', but that's just semantics. 'Hold on a second,' some of you may be screaming. 'I'm relatively new to hecklerspray. What is this Celebrity Haiku Competition of which you speak? Tell me! Dear Christ, tell me, or else mother won't get her food parcel thrown down into the basement today.' Calm yourselves. Details after the jump... More... Basically, right, Celebrity Haiku Competition (or CHC, as all the cool kids call it, or will assuredly do so one day) does exactly what it says on the tin. Each week we take a topical celebrity story and ask you, dear readers, to compose your very own haiku about it. The winner receives a very special prize. Two whole packets of Space Raiders crisps. So, then: if you want to be in with the chance to win a double-set of the finest alien-based budget snacks on the market, simply get your poetry-scribblin' glands on standby and compose an ode to this week's story: Beehive-haired warbler Amy Winehouse has been dropped as the vocalist for the new James Bond film theme song. All you have to do is remember the golden rule of haiku: five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables. An example - based on this week's topic - would look a little something like this: Girl who sang 'rehab' finds herself cast off from new double-oh seven Yeah, yeah - that was rubbish. We know. And that's why we're giving you the chance to do, like, six million times better. Entries in the comments box below, if you please... Read More: Bond Producers Drop Winehouse - Contactmusic
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