It’s hard to care about Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon, isn’t it? There’s just nothing to them.

Plus they met on the set of Rendition. And anyone able to fall in love on a film that unwatchably dreary deserves to be chemically castrated. And Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon don’t even have a cute Brangelina-style name. That’s possibly because it’d have to be Jeese or Rake or Withensphaan or Gyllerhoon or something crap like that, but it’s more likely to be because nobody cares.

Anyway, some people say that Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon have split up. Other people say that they haven’t. Please adjust the tragectory of your lives accordingly.