jake gyllenhaal - HecklerSpray

A Definitive Ranking of Taylor Swift’s Boyfriends

September 29th, 2014 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

haigurl

Taylor Swift has gotten a lot of shit over the years for her extremely publicized romantic relationships and, I mean, let’s be real, she brings a lot of it on herself. She kind of puts all her shit out there for everyone to see. I mean, if T-Swizzle were a regular twenty-something girl, she’d be the chick that puts every detail of every relationship in her Facebook status, know what I’m sayin’?

Anyway, Taylor Swift has dated some jerks and some gems, and, given the fact that I have a love/hate relationship with T Swift, I’ve decided to sit down and do a definitive ranking of the top 10 guys she’s dated from worst to best. Yes, I know, the fact that a grown woman is spending her evening doing this is goddamn tragic.

Taylor Swift Allegedly Gave Up her V-Card to Jake Gyllenhaal

February 18th, 2014 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

I might as well go bury my head in shame, because lately I have been all kinds of wrong. The other day I said Taylor Swift would probably lose her virginity to a stuffed Care Bear (as I assumed she was still a virgin because, come on, it's Taylor Swift), but apparently she gave it up to Jake Gyllenhaal back when she was 20. Give me a minute because I just went into shock.

According to a source (aka Tiny Fey, because we all know she hates that little bitch), Taylor lost her virginity to Jake back when she was 20, after three months of dating. However, Jake totally hit it and quit it, and that's what inspired the majority of the CD Red. For once, I kind of sympathize with Taylor Swift.

Let Us All Laugh At Taylor Swift And Jake Gyllenhaal Splitting Up With Each Other

January 5th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Pot Noodle headed Taylor Swift and tree-faced Jake Gyllenhaal have, apparently, broken up. That didn’t last long did it? Clearly, this is a cheap ploy on behalf of Gyllenhaal to get free promotion from Swift as she writes all about it on her next insipidly twee album of soul-searching garbage.

Taylor Swift is clearly an unbearable human. Even Kanye West hates her and he’s one of the most preposterous dipsticks in human history.

Jake Hisnameistoolonganddifficulttospellwithoutcheckingtentimes is the latest on the list of men who seemingly can’t stand to be in the company of Taylor Swift.

Jake Gyllenhaal To Have Stupid 30th Birthday With Walruses

November 22nd, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Most people, when they turn 30, have a party or go to the pub. They might even go for a meal if they can bear the horrendous formalities of eating food in a restaurant. Not Jake Gyllenhaal. For his birthday, he’s going to swim with walruses.

You heard.

He’s going to do this seemingly pointless task in the Arctic Circle too. No, seriously. Goo goo g’joob.

Taylor Swift And Jake Gyllenhaal To Become Most Dreary Couple In History

October 26th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

If rumours are to be believed, then Taylor Swift’s next album is going to be about Jake Gyllenhaal. That means, of course, her next album is going to be filled with boring love songs or boring break-up songs. The only thing that’s certain is that it will be more tedious than eating Rich Tea biscuits covered in cat litter.

Why doesn’t Taylor fall on the sword for her ‘art’ and go out with someone massively inappropriate like Randy Quaid or Dog The Bounty Hunter? That would ensure that her next album was a total hoot to listen to!

However, Taylor is insistent on dating people as dull as she is and apparently, she spend the weekend with Jake Gyllencan’tbebothertypinghisnameoutconstantly in New York city. They probably drank some coffee and sat silently in a park looking at ducks.

Derren Brown Special Seems A Bit Familiar

August 5th, 2012 By Kris Silver

Derren Brown, the British mind magician and all around annoying show off, has wowed the slackjawed public with his latest special, Hero at 30,000 feet, in which he takes a bad actor an average guy and turns him into a hero? at 30,000 feet (this is achieved with a plane in case you haven't yet realised it).

Now, I'm not one to nit-pick (not true, I really am), but I had a bone to pick with this show. Most people will tell you that it was all staged and that it was done with split screen technology or something equally annoying, but that wasn’t the problem.

The problem was? Derren Brown appears to have just made a mockumentary version of Donnie Darko.

Brothers: Blu-ray Review

August 5th, 2012 By David Scarborough

Tobey Maguire and Jake Gyllenhaal look pretty similar, don't they? That doe-eyed bulging apathy that seeps from their indistinct puff-gobs make them near gloomy twins.

Gylenhaal even nearly replaced Maguire as Spiderman when producers thought that Peter Parker needed to mope around a bit more in the sequel. It's little surprise that someone eventually paired the two together as siblings.

Brothers has Maguire as the straight-up soldier serving duty in Afghanistan while his drunk brother falls over a lot and takes fancy to Maguire?s misses. Hilarity doesn't quite insure, so much as gets tied to a breezeblock and tossed in a river.

Jake Gyllenhaal & Reese Witherspoon Still Together For Some Reason

December 1st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It’s hard to care about Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon, isn’t it? There’s just nothing to them.

Plus they met on the set of Rendition. And anyone able to fall in love on a film that unwatchably dreary deserves to be chemically castrated. And Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon don’t even have a cute Brangelina-style name. That’s possibly because it’d have to be Jeese or Rake or Withensphaan or Gyllerhoon or something crap like that, but it’s more likely to be because nobody cares.

Anyway, some people say that Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon have split up. Other people say that they haven’t. Please adjust the tragectory of your lives accordingly.

Ang Lee Not ‘Ang Lee’ About Remake of Brokeback

March 25th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

There are strange decisions, there are odd choices and there are some things that just make you go ‘whubluh?!’ before falling on the floor and vomiting through sheer insanity.

Then there are things that initially confuse, but soon reveal themselves to be not that stupid an idea after all – like making a TV show (and latterly a movie) about shallow, image-obsessed bints with too much money and free time on their hands. Some things in the world are just meant to be.