Beauty queen and inexplicably gifted child Jade was the first housemate to be evicted from Big Brother Celebrity Hijack on Friday, but that’s hardly important.

Nor is the fact that Victor‘s already up for Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction this Friday. What is important is that Big Brother Celebrity Hijack seems to be turning into 24, and we don’t know why.

Look at the facts. As soon as the first housemate entered the house he was given a Jack Bauer-style earpiece to wear, and then on Saturday the housemates were all given a Jack Bauer-style interrogation. What next? Will the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates have to cut each others’ hands off with fire axes? Will one of them get caught in a bear trap while a mountain lion prowls around them until Matt Dillon‘s brother rescues them and tries to keep them as a wife? We must know!

Anyway, who’ll win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds to win for Victor, Liam, Calista and Jay, with help from Paddy Power…

Victor – Although hurling a scrawny woman around on a pair of rollerskates is the talent that Victor spoke of when he entered the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house, we’re starting to think that his real talent is escaping evictions even though there isn’t a single person on the planet who seems to like him. Thanks to his ridiculous chauvinism, exceptional conceitedness and inability to express even the simplest of emotions, the entire Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house hates him, the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction crowd vocally hates him and the television audience hates him. And yet Victor is still in the house. What’s wrong with you people? Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 40/1

Liam – Liam is what we’ve decided to term a Big Brother timebomb. The public’s resentment of Liam is building all the time to such an extent that his Big Brother Celebrity Hijack tenure is over the moment he’s even shortlisted for eviction. But what is it about Liam that people can’t stand? His stupid floppy hair? His Wolfman eyebrows? His bizarre transatlantic accent? The way he says ‘guys’ every other word? The fact that he’s only about 12 and already claims to have slept with 50 men and women? The way that he’ll often go somewhere and sit alone just so that he can meow at himself? Why, yes. Yes, all of those things. We’ll worry about Liam taking over the world when we need to, but for now let’s just get him out of the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 40/1

Calista – On paper Calista looks like a lot of fun – what with her virtuoso piano skills and her confusing insistence on painting her face like a native American smashed on Haribo on eviction nights and all – but in person, stripped of a piano for her to smack around singing songs about fannies, Calista’s probably the worst-value Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemate that there is. It’s impossible to hate Calista, but it’s equally hard to like her because she never does anything. Across the course of a one-hour edition of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, there’s a chance that Calista will either raise her eyebrows or say “really?” once. We’ve worn underwear more interesting than Calista. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 25/1

Jay – We have to admit we were wrong about Jay. As he entered the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house we were convinced that Jay was the most irritating person alive. And it’s simply not true – Liam is. But Jay’s a high-ranking runner-up. Jay was one of the first people to talk to Victor about the treatment of his sister – which, given the threat of Victor getting angry and spinning him round on some rollerskates in a fit of rage, was a brave thing to do. But the way Jay talks still bugs us – it’s like he was raised in a capsule Superman-style but, instead of listening to Marlon Brando imparting intergalactic advice, he was force-fed every episode of Sex And The City. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 25/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Latoya, Emilia, Jeremy and Amy. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Big Brother Celebrity Hijack is booting out its first overbearingly ‘special’ housemate tonight, but who’s it going to be?

The Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates have decided that Jeremy, Jade and Victor are the people they’d least like to put up with for the rest of the month, and come this evening one of them will be bundled into the giant brass mail chute marked ‘permanant anonymity’. But who? Who? We can’t wait 12 hours! We want to know now!

So here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Jeremy, Jade and Victor to get evicted tonight, with help from Paddy Power…

Jeremy – When Jeremy entered the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house last week, he came across as a bit of a twonk, all ‘hey I’m a racing driver, yeah?’ insouciance and ‘let’s not pretend that I don’t have a fuckload of money’ smuggery. But buried deep – really deep, almost impossibly deep – inside Jeremy is a sweet little nerd who just wants to be loved. And, in particular, loved by that bendy girl with the pop-out vagina. Since he’s easily the least irritating Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemate up for eviction, we can’t see him going tonight. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 14/1

Jade – Again, we may have misjudged Jade a little since she entered the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house, too. Although she has moments of supreme fist-clenching, eye-bulging annoyingness – like how she leaps around like a tit first thing in the morning and how she talks like a sock puppet of a sickly frog – but let’s not forget that Jade was the only one to suss that Russell Brand‘s raging cameraman trick was a hoax. That at least proves that Jade is almost as clever as she says she is – and after a few more days of realising that nobody like her, maybe Jade will even calm down and be watchable. Current Big Brother betting odds – 2/1

Victor – Now, on the other hand, Victor is someone who nobody has ever misjudged in their entire lives. They all see Victor, think “what a preening git,” and are never ever proved wrong. Victor has managed to quickly turn the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house against him by ordering his sister about and constantly viewing his slightly rum options on women, which is strange because we’ve never had cause to doubt the intellectual reasonings of men who spin around on rollerskates for a living before. This could be the last we see of Victor. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 2/5

Next week – more Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Now that we’ve had a full weekend to absorb the various personalities of the new Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates, what have we learnt about this compelling anthropological study?

Well, in a nutshell, that they’re all turds. Self-centred arrogant turds the bloody lot of them. At least Big Brother Celebrity Hijack has managed to teach us something already – that if you’re young and prodigiously talented, there’s a pretty high likelihood that you’re going to be an utter bell-end of the very worst kind as well. And we’ve got a month of putting up with them yapping on about themselves like horrible miniature Donald Trumps as well. Joy. No really, we’re thrilled.

So who’s going to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack anyway? Here’s the first part of our Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – for Jay, Liam and Jade – with help from Paddy Power…

Jay – We get the feeling that Jay is only a part of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack because Ugly Betty turned him down for being too much like an offensive caricature of a gay man first. So far all Jay has actually managed to do in the Big Brother house is slur the word “Newoorkfazzyuneek” a billion times and look around distastefully at everything that surrounds him, like he’s above it all. Yes, it’s the same look as we all have when we watch Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, but then he’s the one who’s dressed up as a cartoon superhero and and we aren’t. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 25/1

Liam – We’re glad that Liam’s rich, because that’s just about all the poor sap’s got going for him. Liam’s spent a lot of his time in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house blathering on about how he wants to establish himself as a brand, but he hasn’t seem to have figured out that most people would rather drive nails through their eyes than have anything to do with a brand that’s basically a dull-as-shit infant with a twat’s haircut and a mouth that appears to be used as some sort of industrial saliva reservoir. With too-close-together eyes. And a horrible mimbling voice. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 20/1

Jade - When Jade last had an IQ test her result was 178. But she was just four years old back then. Now, we don’t really know how IQs work, but we get the impression that in the intervening 17 years Jade’s score may have dropped by something like 179 points. Jade seems so stupid that she hasn’t yet realised that you’re supposed to talk out of your mouth instead of your nose, and that the best way to integrate yourself into a group of strangers isn’t to burst into tears the instant you get slightly tired. And that being a four-year-old MENSA member doesn’t make you intelligent, it just means that you have appallingly pushy parents. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 20/1

Tomorrow - Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Victor, Amy and Calista. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.