Here it is, the moment literally nobody on Earth has been waiting for – the Eurovision Song Contest 2009.

This year, Eurovision is coming all the way from Moscow. We’re not, by the way. We’re sitting on a sofa in what appears to be a US military-approved stress position hammering away on a grossly underpowered laptop. But that’s beside the point. Can the UK win Eurovision this year? No. No we can’t. But join us back here at 8pm so we can all watch the spectacular failure together.

The liveblog’s ready for you after the jump, incidentally. What are you waiting for?

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So this is it. It’s been a while – a bit too much of a while, according to our weakened mindstate – but we’ve finally profiled all but one of the Eurovision entries this year.

That leaves us with just one to do – for some poxy little island called ‘the UK’ – before our great big Eurovision 2009 liveblog. Tomorrow evening, at 8pm, we’re going to be liveblogging the arse off the Eurovision Song Contest, either until it finishes or until we have a stress-related nosebleed. Don’t bet against the latter. Anyway, our point is this – be there.

So, finally, here is the Eurovision 2009 profile for Jade Ewen from the UK…

United Kingdom . Jade Ewen, My Time

And now to us. The UK has broken with tradition this year by not letting the public chose its Eurovision song, which is obviously a good thing because, judging by our last few entries, the British public are all medically braindead. So will My Time by Jade Ewen change our Eurovision fortunes? Hardly – just because we’re not entering a singing binman or a creepy rapper this year doesn’t mean that Europe hates us any less. What’s more, the song has been composed by Andrew Lloyd Webber so it essentially sounds like something that a middle-aged housewife from Surrey would be played to help her out of a coma or, worse still, the backing music to a tragic Britain’s Got Talent contestant’s intro tape. And isn’t a song about how much you deserve to win Eurovision bound to get on everyone else’s nerves, Jade? God, we’re screwed.

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