Like most of the planet, we’ve spent the last few weeks weeping hysterically along to the words of Dirty Diana, or turning up at beat poetry nights to deliver a sobbed version of Billie Jean with a simple bass drum accompaniment.

Our grief, it seemed, was never going to end. At one point we even considered having Michael Jackson‘s strange clown face tattooed onto our own faces, so that we could spend the rest of our lives singing Man in the Mirror in front of a mirror. To the man in the mirror.

And then we realised two things. Firstly, we realised that we prefer Prince. Secondly, there are lots of other Jacksons to fall in love with. “Could one of them replace Michael?” we whispered to a passing old man. His silence told us everything we needed to know. Yes. One of them could. But which one?

Without even a second thought, we immediately discounted both Janet and LaToya on the grounds that both of them are women. In any case, Janet is probably a bit too successful in her own right, so if we replaced Michael with her, we’d have to find someone to replace Janet. That’s too much work. And LaToya is a little bit slutty. On the plus side, she does have exactly the same face as Michael. Still, no girls, we decided. That was the rule.

Tito was also dismissed early on. Even back in the heady days of the Jackson Five, he was rumoured to be “the quiet one”, which is an astonishing feat. A bit like being considered the gayest member of the Village People. His stage dynamism let him down too. You’d never catch MJ biting his bottom lip during a boring guitar solo.

Next for the chop was Marlon Jackson, whose god-awful foray into solo work was so abominable that he ended up jacking in music altogether and becoming an estate agent.

Then Randy was thrown out, not on the grounds that he didn’t deserve a shot, but for sharing a name with the fat American Idol judge. If we were going to flounce around the world telling people that we’re massive Randy Jackson fans, we wouldn’t want to waste time explaining to every second idiot that we’re talking about the one who replaced Jermaine in the Jackson Five, not the one who makes barking noises when young homosexuals stay pitch-perfect throughout a Barry Manilow recital.

And thus we were left to chose between Jackie – the oldest of The Jackson Five – and Jermaine, who will forever be fondly remembered as the silent one in the racist edition of Celebrity Big Brother. Both men have the same childlike Michael Jackson voice, but Jermaine just nicked it for his stronger pop credentials, having forged something of a successful solo pop career for himself back in the olden days. Thus Jackie was kicked to the curb like an old hooker.

So, without any further ado, ladies and gentlemen, we give you THE NEW MICHAEL JACKSON – JERMAINE JACKSON! WOO!

Who else is feeling MUCH BETTER now?

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For years the world has thought that a Jackson Five reunion would be impossible, not least because nobody can imagine going to watch a gang of rickety old child-stars limping through Rockin' Robin fronted by a frail alabaster ghoul.

However, the world clearly doesn't have the self-belief of Jermaine Jackson, because he's decided that this exact tactic is what will make him successful again. According to Jermaine Jackson, the Jackson Five will reform and play some shows next year, with Michael Jackson firmly in place as a member of the group. But, accounting for Michael Jackson's notorious flakiness, Jermaine Jackson has drafted in a few Jackson Five understudies as a contingency should Michael Jackson pull out. And who wouldn't want to see a reunited Jackson Five with Samuel L Jackson, Randy Jackson or noted long-dead American organic chemist Charles Loring Jackson singing all of Michael's parts?

Michael Jackson is the kind of guy that, if he says he'll do something, you can normally expect to wait ten years and a thousand lawsuits before he eventually squeaks out something that's completely unrelated to anything he's ever mentioned. For instance, Michael Jackson's 9/11 charity single never emerged, nor did his Hurricane Katrina charity single. Or his 50 Cent collaboration. Or that album of duets with the dead Pope. Or the album he was supposed to be recording in Bahrain.

And now it seems like Michael Jackson is ready to reunite and go on tour with the Jackson Five again, which to all intents and purposes means that in the year 2035, Jackie Jackson, Jermaine Jackson, Tito Jackson and Marlon Jackson will perform a solitary 90-second song in front of some blank-faced porcelain dolls in a shed alongside a wounded crow in an afro that they all doggedly refer to as 'Michael'.

Or maybe not, because Jermaine Jackson – aka the man who came second on Celebrity Big Brother, making him more famous than the mannish one from S Club 7 and less famous than Shilpa Shetty – is adamant that the Jackson Five will be touring next year, and that Michael Jackson will definitely be in the fold. You know, just like he was during Celebrity Big Brother and – we suspect – every single morning since the Jackson Five officially disbanded 17 years ago.

Anyway, here's what Jermaine Jackson told BBC 6 Music:

"Michael will be involved. We feel we have to do it one more time. We owe that to the fans and to the public… There's been so much going on, getting over all the hurdles that we all were faced with during Michael's trial. But we are stronger than ever. I'm gonna say thank you, thank you, thank you so much to all the fans and the supporters of my family all over Europe, all over the UK especially, who came out to show their love and their support… He was at the meetings. Michael will be involved."

Not only that but Jermaine Jackson also claimed that a new Jackson Five album is in the works which, given Jermaine's tendency to assert himself as the lead singer of the band whenever possible even though he's spent the last 30 years primarily known as Michael Jackson's brother, probably means that he's recording some songs that he might let Michael hum in the background of if he's good.

Of course, that's just speculation – and not particularly good speculation either. Far more likely is the scenario that a Jackson Five reunion is never going to happen, Michael Jackson is never going to take part in it and Jermaine Jackson is either woefully misguided or talking out of his botty.

Read more:

Jackson Five 'Could Tour In 2008' – BBC