Michael Jackson’s This Is It opens on Wednesday, and it’s bound to be a stupendous hit. But what’s it like?

Well, frankly, who cares? This Is It will be a hit no matter what it’s about. This is It could consist of nothing but Michael Jackson mumbling threats at a sleeping cat for two hours and it’ll still end up as one of the year’s top-grossing films. But it would be sort of nice to know what This Is It is like, wouldn’t it?

Well fear no more – Michael Jackson’s brother Jackie has seen This Is It, and he loves it. And he once recorded a song called Cruzin’, so he knows quality when he sees it.

Michael Jackson’s This Is It couldn’t have asked for a better name. Not only is it the phrase he repeated again and again like a melting wax mannequin of Rain Man when he first announced his London comeback, but he also managed to record a song of the same name before he shuffled off. And the title has meaning, too – because this really is it from Michael Jackson. Once the film is released, we’ll never hear from him again. Apart from, you know, when his albums keep getting constantly repackaged, each with a brand new unfinished, lacklustre demo bolted onto it to keep the money coming in.

And on Wednesday This Is It will finally be released. And nobody knows what it’ll be like. The movie posters promise that you’ll see Michael Jackson ‘like you’ve never seen him before’, which we originally assumed meant ‘gaunt, frail, wheezing, forgetful, dangerously medicated and conspicuously on the brink of premature death’, before the This Is Not It campaign put the kibosh on that idea.

So we just don’t know. Luckily, This Is It has already been seen by one reviewer, and he’s as impartial as you can possibly get. He’s… oh, he’s Michael Jackson’s brother Jackie Jackson. Here’s what Jackie Jackson thought of This Is It, according to TMZ:

“My brother’s movie ‘This Is It’ is truly riveting. Michael is electrifying! We get a glimpse of a true genius at work. His passionate message for healing the world, saving the planet and our children’s futures is something he was always striving for in his lifetime.”

Might Jackie Jackson have an ulterior motive here? We don’t think so. Remember that this is Jackie Jackson we’re talking about here – a Jackson so staggeringly inconsequential that, rather than waste their time thinking up a proper name for him, his parents just decided call him an abbreviated version of their surname. His opinion counts for even less than yours – and look at the state of you, for crying out loud.

Now, Jermaine Jackson‘s review of This Is It is something we’d love to hear. Chances are it’ll go something like:

“My movie ‘Jermaine Jackson’s This Is It’ is truly riveting. I am electrifying! We get a glimpse of a true genius – me, Jermaine Jackson, the original lead singer of The Jackson Five – at work. My passionate message for healing the world, saving the planet and our children’s futures is something I was always striving for in my lifetime. Which is still ongoing, by the way. Not like some people I could mention. I probably have an album out soon or something. Love me!”

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Like most of the planet, we’ve spent the last few weeks weeping hysterically along to the words of Dirty Diana, or turning up at beat poetry nights to deliver a sobbed version of Billie Jean with a simple bass drum accompaniment.

Our grief, it seemed, was never going to end. At one point we even considered having Michael Jackson‘s strange clown face tattooed onto our own faces, so that we could spend the rest of our lives singing Man in the Mirror in front of a mirror. To the man in the mirror.

And then we realised two things. Firstly, we realised that we prefer Prince. Secondly, there are lots of other Jacksons to fall in love with. “Could one of them replace Michael?” we whispered to a passing old man. His silence told us everything we needed to know. Yes. One of them could. But which one?

Without even a second thought, we immediately discounted both Janet and LaToya on the grounds that both of them are women. In any case, Janet is probably a bit too successful in her own right, so if we replaced Michael with her, we’d have to find someone to replace Janet. That’s too much work. And LaToya is a little bit slutty. On the plus side, she does have exactly the same face as Michael. Still, no girls, we decided. That was the rule.

Tito was also dismissed early on. Even back in the heady days of the Jackson Five, he was rumoured to be “the quiet one”, which is an astonishing feat. A bit like being considered the gayest member of the Village People. His stage dynamism let him down too. You’d never catch MJ biting his bottom lip during a boring guitar solo.

Next for the chop was Marlon Jackson, whose god-awful foray into solo work was so abominable that he ended up jacking in music altogether and becoming an estate agent.

Then Randy was thrown out, not on the grounds that he didn’t deserve a shot, but for sharing a name with the fat American Idol judge. If we were going to flounce around the world telling people that we’re massive Randy Jackson fans, we wouldn’t want to waste time explaining to every second idiot that we’re talking about the one who replaced Jermaine in the Jackson Five, not the one who makes barking noises when young homosexuals stay pitch-perfect throughout a Barry Manilow recital.

And thus we were left to chose between Jackie – the oldest of The Jackson Five – and Jermaine, who will forever be fondly remembered as the silent one in the racist edition of Celebrity Big Brother. Both men have the same childlike Michael Jackson voice, but Jermaine just nicked it for his stronger pop credentials, having forged something of a successful solo pop career for himself back in the olden days. Thus Jackie was kicked to the curb like an old hooker.

So, without any further ado, ladies and gentlemen, we give you THE NEW MICHAEL JACKSON – JERMAINE JACKSON! WOO!

Who else is feeling MUCH BETTER now?

For more gold like this, visit Josh’s real site, Interestment. It’s just like this, but more.

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