Happy New Year, you jerk-offs. A lot of you have been snivelling onto us, trying to get us to bring back Readers’ Letters so that you don’t have to trawl through our articles looking for all the nut jobs that believe we’re being serious (which we are, obviously) and to you we say only this.

FINE, JEEZ.

You’re so needy. Look at you, sitting there like overgrown babies desperately waiting to read about all the people that hate us so that you can make a mental note of the kind of thing to bombard us with over the next week.

You’re the worst kind of scum and that’s why we love you. Anyway, for the first time in 2012, let’s take a dive into our putrid postbag shall we?

First up this week is a man that will definitely have kicked the bucket by the end of 2012, Mr Barry Manilow. The easy-listening zombie still has some fervent fans who spend their time kicking around Google News, waiting for someone to care enough about him to write something. Like our friend JW for instance:

First of all, it’s obvious you haven’t done ANY homework at all, you jackass! Barry did NOT have hip replacement surgery. He had the abductor muscles and the bursas repaired!

Are you jealous of him because he has more people adoring him than you will ever have? He’s earned everything he has and earned all the fans he has. God bless him for being 68 years young and still going like he was 30. Have you ever seen his show? If not, you have no right to say anything. He isn’t called the “showman of our Generation” for nothing. It’s one of the best shows I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen a lot of them.

And just an FYI for your 20 IQ……..It is Michael Jackson who gets the blue ribbon for the weirdest face in pop music! YOU should look as good as Barry does!

You didn’t even have the guts to put your name on this. No balls????

Nice!! oh wait … yes nice a boson get trapped in your head and thts fenomenal! Because its the only thing inside!
And PF at the olimpia will be fenomenal too.

If you can translate this then please leave us a comment. We’ve had it pinned up in the bedsit for almost a week and we’ve got as far as “Higgs Boson in your head” and that’s about it. Still, at least it prompted one reader to cry out for a return of Readers’ Letters.

I think it is time to bring back the reader’s letters column.

See? Oh well, at least they know what we’re all about, unlike this Robert Pattinson fan:

You are a complete idiot. Who cares what you think.

You, apparently. When you spend so much time trawling the internet looking for people who are bad-mouthing your masturbatory fantasy only to then comment on said articles telling them how little they understand about what makes the object of your fizzy pants great then you are the one who cares what we think. Just thought we’d make that perfectly clear.

Still, at least Ella might get it:

Is this column some form of satire?

If this was Family Fortunes an alarm would sound and Ella would have just won an attractive fridge-freezer. As it stands she wins the hecklerspray award for stating the fucking obvious. Then again, it’s not just hateful nonsense that we get on our articles. This next correspondent believes that we are some kind of official contact channel to the team behind Jackass and left this comment on a picture of the departed Ryan Dunn.

hi jackass i would like to be replacing Ryan Dunn in jackass 3d full penetration because i have seen the preview of the movie and i have done the kind of stunts before if you want me to join jackass 3d call me on __________ my name is Daniel Kemble 11.5 i live at ____________ my postcode is 5164 once again i have done those kind of stunts before i would love for you to read this message one of the remaining of the funniest crew ever and i am deeply sorry for the passing of Ryan Dunn i hope to be in the new jackass movie that you guys are still filming because of Ryan’s passing and i am sorry for saying that i hope you call me about the replacement of Ryan Thank’s hope you guys get this real soon

Bloody hell. Still, even that’s not as weird as this interesting little ditty from Mr. Alexander Simon who has some obscure opinion on the divorce of Avril Lavigne and the one with the big nose from Sum 41.

A LION’S SHARE! Second Verse

Hunger cries the Lion;s Heart,
As Heat warms bones dry and waiting …;
Teeth open and thirst edded open for girl waiting!

Hair like mother’s monetary;
Cool simmer of frame;
A girl new and caring;
Whet and win; as sun does dance like new sun!

A lovely carpet sand and dance, a love!

Swoon and river red boils hot open …,
Man Lion and Woman Lion Garel and stir the wind dressed tumble;

Hot is whet and whet is more …;
Girl and boy dance and whirl in sand and lock in heat;
And fire … more in sand and waist not a taste!

Moments are days and days are months … time is longer;
He kisser Her with teeth locked into her groin;
Steady now Lady I give you, my lock;
Babies in seven months;
All makes a Lion no sweet tonight!

The moon is cool, calm is bed,
One month in morphine heaven are babies read!

With a battle and brother red with smile;
Dead is father not brother amile!
-#30-

Err… right. If anyone has any idea then please do leave us a comment and let us know what the hell we’ve just experienced. We’re afraid to go outside at night.

So while we cower in the bedsit, we’ll leave you with this honest and frank confession by andy j.b:

im a fat bellend

Right, fuck off. We’ll see you next week. Same Batshit Crazy Time, Same Batshit Crazy Place.

While we like to deal mainly in crass joke, poor taste and hearsay, there’s something rather unsettling to the response to Ryan Dunn’s untimely death. Of course, by now you’ll know that he died in a car-crash, with Dunn and another passenger dying on a road in Pennsylvania.

Perhaps it shouldn’t come as a surprise that one of the Jackass team should meet an untimely end. Collectively, they had such wilful disregard for their own safety and a need to seek a thrill, that at some point, one of them was going to go too far.

And it certainly appears that the car which Dunn travelled in was speeding, reportedly leaving the road at 110mph, which is clearly reckless and dangerous… but that’s no surprise coming from someone who entered the Gumball rallies and earned money from jumping into sewerage and having toys inserted into his anus. However, with his corpse barely cold, people are already looking to defame Dunn, which, even by our low standards, seems in very poor taste.

It appears that before Dunn jumped into his car that evening, he went to a bar. A picture appeared on twitter showing him enjoying a drink, fag in hand.

This has allowed many to jump to the conclusion that he was drunk before he got behind the wheel.

You see, one photograph of a person drinking means automatic drunkenness. This, of course, is assuming that he was the driver at all (thereby allowing him to get as plastered as he pleased) or, indeed, he drank more than the one photographed glass.

The picture below, is the thing that seems to be incriminating him to hysterical people, all ready to quickly brand him an arsehole for being so inconsiderate that he’d drive a car at 100+ miles an hour, resulting in the death of someone else, who is completely sober and innocent by implication.

One report claims that Dunn was indeed drinking, but not so drunk he couldn’t drive. Another report notes that Dunn doesn’t really drink, noting that it was very unlikely that he’d be hammered at all, let alone while driving a Porsche.

Yet the narrative today, surrounding this still weirdly depressing news story (as that’s all it is to us onlookers – news and sensationalist gossip) is that he was as drunk as can be, thereby, kicking the doors open to allow people to imply that he deserved to die.

Famed film critic, Roger Ebert was so indignant about Dunn’s death that he went to twitter to say:

‘Friends don’t let jackasses drink and drive’

It goes without saying that it doesn’t take a huge leap in your imagination to idly assume that one of the Jackass could be daft enough to drive under the influence at high-speed in a high-performance sports car and, indeed, any post-mortems may well prove as such… however, what is troubling about this story is the haste in which people are quick to jump on his cadaver because there’s no grave to dance on yet, all because of one photograph that contains one drink being pointed at by Ryan Dunn.

The hysteria spouted by the indignant isn’t even being done for comedic effect. It’s just plain nasty, which is what is making this whole sorry spectacle all the more unpleasant to view.

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Okay. This is weirdly sad news. The only wholly likeable one from Jackass, Ryan Dunn, is reportedly dead. No-one expected that and now our collective faces don’t quite know what to do. It has been reported that Dunn died in a car crash in Pennsylvania early this morning.

The story has been confirmed with Bam Margera’s mother, who of course, is the Aunt of Dunn.

As we don’t know what to do in times of grief, we tend to make jokes. However, because this is weird, we can’t quite form them properly. Suffice to say, they revolved around ‘at least he won’t have to put up with Bam anymore’ and something to do with a toy car being shoved into his colon.

Dunn and a person who is as yet unidentified both died in the crash, which reportedly happened around 3 am at Route 322 and New Street in West Goshen Township.

We don’t know where that is and why that particular piece of information is important, but you lot seem to be interested in every detail of a celebrity death.

There’s more too. The car apparently caught fire in the crash and, paid corpse chasers, TMZ, actually have photographs of the car-wreck itself, which is astonishingly mangled.

See the pictures here if you like.

Either way, one of the most likeable clowns on Generation Y has departed and it seems rather sad. You half expected Steve-O to go first, right?

Weirdly, one of the most recent things he did was about him being dead called ‘Living Will’.

Crikey.

Aw Jackass. Paying grown men to crap on windows, explode things out of their colons, get shot at, lamped and bloodied… all so we can sit and laugh our little titties off like post-millennium Beavis and Buttheads.

And now, of course, we’ll be treated with a new film that it is 3D, which means, when Steve-O pukes his ring or someone throws a handful of faeces at us, it’ll seem like it is happening for real. Who wouldn’t want that after paying over a fiver to get into a cinema?

Anyhoo, we’ve got the trailer for the new Jackass 3D flick and, to be brutally honest, it looks a bit tame compared to previous outings… but then again, the harder stuff won’t be allowed on the family friendly trailer (although there’s nothing family friendly about Steve-O’s face alone).

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Johnny Knoxville has done some pretty stupid things in his time – most notably the Dukes Of Hazzard movie.

But forget that. Because everything that Johnny Knoxville has ever done – like getting shot, riding a bicycle off a diving board, being smacked in the testicles with a mallet, trying to make polite conversation with Jessica Simpson, especially trying to make polite conversation with Jessica Simpson – looks like the work of a highly respected quantum physicist compared with what he’s just done.

Johnny Knoxville has just been arrested. For trying to take a hand grenade onto an aeroplane. Top that, Wee Man.

You need a certain mindset to be able to do what the cast of Jackass does. In Steve-O‘s case, that mindset happens to be that of a drug-addled mental patient who is genuinely terrifying. And in the case of Johnny Knoxville, it would appear to be the mindset of the Shoe Bomber.

Since the last Jackass movie was released, Johnny Knoxville has been keeping something of a low profile, only appearing occasionally to divorce his wife or attach himself to any number of movies that nobody in their right mind would ever dream of watching. But that’s because he was biding his time – waiting to pull off the biggest stunt of his life.

And that stunt involved appearing to accidentally trying to board a plane with a hand grenade in his luggage. Which, in fact, Johnny Knoxville did yesterday at LAX. The Daily Breeze reports:

Knoxville, whose given name is John Philip Clapp, was detained by Airport Police as he was about to board a 7 a.m. American Airlines flight to Miami, LAX spokeswoman Nancy Castles said. Knoxville, 38, of Malibu was moving through passenger security when a Transportation Security Administration officer saw the image of a hand grenade in his carry-on bag, Castles said.

Now, although the grenade was inspected by the bomb squad and found to have no explosives or firing pin, Johnny Knoxville was still arrested, with police hoping to charge him with possession of a prohibited item within the sterile area of an airport.

For what it’s worth, Johnny Knoxville claims that the grenade was a prop for a photoshoot that he’d forgotten to remove from his luggage. Which is no doubt a familiar excuse to anyone who remembers when Snoop Dogg was arrested for trying to take a 21-inch police baton onto a plane in 2006. His excuse, too, was that it was merely a prop for a video. Not that we’ve ever seen the video, of course. We believe it was entitled Cosh Yourself Thin With Snoop Dogg or something.

But anyway, Johnny Knoxville should be thankful that, at worst, he’ll only be slapped with a misdemeanour charge. Because taking a hand grenade onto an aeroplane on the exact same day that an aeroplane crashed into a river in New York is undoubtedly the stupidest thing anyone has ever done in an airport.

Or, you know, the second-stupidest thing if you don’t count David Hasselhoff wetting himself. Which we’re not sure we should, in honesty.

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