On hecklerspray, we like to take the piss out of people and bands, even if we like them. All in the name of writing some jokes. However, when it comes to the White Stripes, it’s kinda hard to mock them, even though we’re not fans.

This is most troubling.

Alas, Jack and Meg White have decided to call it a day and draw the curtain on The White Stripes, leaving us with only the very boring option of sneering about it or saying something like “Hur hur! MOR rubbish!” when they clearly weren’t. Will we find something funny to say before this article is out?

On these pages, we’ll always root for the enthusiastic amateur. In Meg White, you had one of the most hapless drummers in rock ‘n’ roll, which of course, made her one of our favourites. In Jack White, you have a man who uses volume to accentuate the mistakes, like he was Ron Asheton from The Stooges or something.

We also had a band that were wilfully stubborn, refusing to play ball with any journos who didn’t own a record player. Jack White was also really good at punching people in the face repeatedly. He punched that bloke out of the Von Bondies so much that he left him looking like a post-operation bollock. Click here if you haven’t seen his unfortunately lumpy face.

The White Stripes managed to find all the best riffs that Keef had seemingly missed, throwing out monstrous pop record after monstrous pop record. And yet, they still didn’t really float our boat. We were just glad to have them around (despite the whole Meg/Jack soap opera of being siblings/lovers/divorcees).

And now they’ve gone, we’ll probably end up liking them more as we re-evaluate their back catalogue.

In a statement on their site, the band said that the split wasn’t down to artistic differences but rather…

“mostly to preserve what is beautiful and special about the band and have it stay that way.”

They say:

“The White Stripes do not belong to Meg and Jack anymore. The White Stripes belong to you now and you can do with it whatever you want. The beauty of art and music is that it can last forever if people want it to. Thank you for sharing this experience. Your involvement will never be lost on us and we are truly grateful.”

Of course, we can’t do whatever we want with the White Stripes’ music. If that were so, hecklerspray would be putting in a claim for 100% of the royalties. In fact, we tried it this morning, but that man from the record company threatened to come round the ‘spray bedsit and give us a good seeing to with a cricket bat.

Wonderful.

So yeah. We couldn’t find anything funny to say. Sorry about that.

Wait! Has anyone done the joke about how Jack White sometimes looks like Gary Oldman in that Dracula film? They have?

Oh forgeddit.

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Michael Jackson is dead. That’s too bad because he probably had a decent record left in him once he realised he oughta work with some decent songwriters and producers. Still, his memory lives on in his music, his batshit mental fans, court trials and of course, loads of things and people that look loads like him.

Have you ever found yourself drawing a little mouth on a slice of mushroom and thinking that it looks like the King of Pop? Just me singing in a terrible falsetto about world poverty then?

Well, here’s a list of things that look like Michael Jackson – MJ fans, stoke your ire and get ready to ask us what we’ve ever contributed to the world and the like.

Here we go. Here’s a list to disagree with.

Jack White

Look! Jack White looks a bit like Michael Jackson! Long black hair… blank, expressionless face. Yep. There’s some MJ in him alright.

E.T.

Big, bulging eyes. Long neck. Magical red ended thing to touch children with whilst hiding in a closet from angry parents and government officials, can’t handle his ale…

A Cloud

This cloud was over New York City a while back and if you squint, it looks a bit like Michael Jackson. Or an unhappy clown. Okay, we admit it… this is rubbish. That won’t stop Michael Jackson fans saying “I always knew there was something special about him! He watching over us! WE LOVE YOU MICHAEL!”

Latoya Jackson

Michael Jackson in drag.

Edward Scissorhands

Mop of unhealthy hair and a hacked at face. It’s MJ! Hell, he’s even wearing the suit from the Bad video!

Ari from Planet of the Apes

The nose, the hair and the shit clothes. It’s all there.

Skeleton from Superted

A camp skeleton with sunken eyes and bleached out face? IT’S MICHAEL JACKSON!

An unborn foetus

Imagine the horror of seeing Michael Jackson’s face emerging from the ultrasound picture as you carry a child in your womb! On the left of this picture is quite clearly Michael Jackson. Make your own puns about him going for increasingly younger kids.

An Egyptian Mummy Thing!

Look. That’s him. That’s actually him. Eddie Murphy is going to appear in a minute, just before this mask sings ‘Do You Remember The Time’.

Not This Guy

Nope. This terrifying shit looks nothing like Michael Jackson yet still charges money for precisely that reason.

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Oh, we’re so disappointed. The Bond theme for Quantum of Solace has been announced, and it’s not even called Quantum of Solace.

How rubbish is that? We’d even written a demo called Quantum Of Solace in case we were asked – it goes “Hello there, I’m a quantum of solace/ I want to buy a blouse, can you direct me to Wallis?” – but no. You had to go and call the Quantum of Solace theme Another Way To Die, didn’t you.

Also, the Quantum of Solace theme tune is going to be a duet between Alicia Keys and Jack White from The White Stripes, so it’s bound to sound like an angry little witch trapped in an upturned metal dustbin. And Alicia Keys, naturally. Just so you know.

With new James Bond film Quantum of Solace set for release in a matter of months, there’s a bit of a rush on behind the scenes at the moment to make sure that it maintains the momentum started by Casino Royale two years ago.

Is it working? Not yet – the trailer for Quantum Of Solace is almost inexplicably bad, as if the producers just listlessly went down a checklist of hoary old James Bond imagery that needed to be included. And then there’s the movie’s title, which still seems like the worst combination of any three words in the English language.

But there’s always the new Bond theme. And, after Amy Winehouse dropped out of the running because she’s basically so effed on drugs that she can barely stand up, let alone think of a word that rhymes with ‘solace’, it’s time to reveal the new performers. Reuters reports:

Alicia Keys and the White Stripes’ Jack White have recorded the theme song to “Quantum of Solace.” The song, “Another Way To Die,” is the first duet in Bond soundtrack history, the studio said in a statement. White wrote and produced the song, and also played drums. The soundtrack to the movie will be released October 28 by Keys’ J Records label.

A duet between Jack White and Alicia Keys? Doing a James Bond theme tune? We can’t say we saw that one coming. But is this new Quantum Of Solace theme tune going to be good or bad? Let’s weight up the pros and cons…

PROS:

*The White Stripes are quite good, as are all the songs where Alicia Keys sounds like she’s having an orgasm halfway through.

*The song that Jack White wrote for his Coca-Cola commercial was similarly quite good – maybe he thrives on these sort of commercial commissions.

*Jack White will play the drums on Another Way To Die, therefore Meg White isn’t playing drums on Another Way To Die, therefore it won’t just go ‘boom TISH boom TISH boom TISH boom TISH’ like a clockwork monkey and therefore it will be good.

*Even if the new Bond theme is a screaming atonal mess that makes blood squirt out of people’s ears it still won’t be anywhere near as bad as Chris Cornell’s Casino Royale theme tune.

CONS:

*Oh great, another James Bond song with the words ‘die’ and ‘another’ in it.

*Jack White is a big fan of the bagpipes, you know. Nobody wants a bagpipey Bond theme.

*Think of a worse combination of singers than Jack White and Alicia Keys. Cliff Richard and the lead singer from Anal Cunt. That’s literally the only one.

*If Another Way To Die features Alicia Keys, then the video is legally obligated to feature Keys arguing with her criminal boyfriend interspersed with shots of her playing piano in a snow-covered ampitheatre. That’s not very James Bondy, is it? Tsk.

*What does Another Way To Die even mean? Is the song basically going to be a list of unexpected ways that people can lose their lives? “Suffocate up a buffalo’s rectum/ Choke to death on Brian May’s plectrum/ That’s another way to diiiiiiiie!” That sort of thing? Actually, that’s quite ace. We’ve got this in the wrong column. We take it all back.