Getting headbutted by Kiefer Sutherland would be amazing – it’d be like Rembrandt painting you a picture.

Because Kiefer is a master headbutter. Sure, it’d be better if he tied you to a chair, put your feet in a bucket of water and electrocuted you with a cable torn from a standard lamp but that’s hardly practical on a day-to-day basis. No, Kiefer Sutherland’s headbutt is the perfect expression of form and content.

The Manhattan District Attorney’s office realises this, so it won’t be prosecuting Kiefer Sutherland for allegedly headbutting that guy back in May. What a heartwarming story. About headbutts.

You’ll remember the incident a couple of months ago when Kiefer Sutherland allegedly headbutted fashion designer Jack McCullough for barging into Brooke Shields at a party. Specifically you’ll remember it because the close proximity of the words ‘Kiefer Sutherland’ and ‘Brooke Shields’ in a news story made you think that you’d travelled back in time to the 1980s, and you got nervous because it meant that Corey Haim would be famous again.

Well, back then things looked pretty dicey for Kiefer Sutherland. He was charged for the incident and, thanks to his ongoing parole following his DUI conviction in 2007, there’s a very good chance that Kiefer Sutherland would have found himself back in jail if he was found guilty.

But the good news is that Kiefer Sutherland won’t be found guilty of anything because the Manhattan District Attorney’s office has decided not to prosecute him. People reports:

“We declined to prosecute after a full investigation,” Manhattan District Attorney spokeswoman Alicia Maxey Greene tells PEOPLE of the highly publicized alleged cranial collision with a New York fashion designer in May. “That included speaking to the complaining witness, who was quite uncooperative.”

Why was Jack McCullough being so uncooperative about prosecuting Kiefer Sutherland? There are a number of options:

1 – He realised that Kiefer Sutherland was only acting to protect the honour of a woman, which gave the incident a moral integrity that he couldn’t defend himself against.

2 - He made up with Kiefer Sutherland shortly after the incident and they both released a joint statement apologising to each other.

3 - He realised that being headbutted by Kiefer Sutherland would mean that he’d never have to pay for another drink ever again, and when he looks back at his life he’ll see that it was easily the coolest thing that had ever happened to him.

4 - He was uncooperative because Kiefer Sutherland had pinned him to a sofa and threatened to gouge his eyes out with a biro while muttering “I’m gonna enjoy this” in a slightly irresponsible way.

Any of these could feasibly be true. Especially the second one because that’s what happened, but any of them could feasibly be true.

Sadly, this is bad news for 24. Had he been convicted, Kiefer Sutherland was planning to set season eight in the world of fashion, where he’d spend 24 heart-pounding hours running up and down a catwalk shooting hundreds of fashion designers in the face. But now he’s not even going to be prosecuted, he’ll probably just go back to beating up brown people again.

Retweet this post or follow hecklerspray on Twitter here

Kiefer Sutherland isn’t Jack Bauer. Hard to believe, we know, but they’re different in just about every way.

Jack Bauer, for instance, breaks the law in all sorts of spectacular ways to save America from terrorists then gets pardoned by the president afterwards. Kiefer Sutherland, on the other hand, commits petty crimes to save 1980s actresses then gets charged afterwards.

Kiefer Sutherland has been charged with minor assault following his alleged headbutting incident this week. Sad – we wanted to see how far he’d take this hobby. Maybe he’d end up shoplifting a Chunky Kit Kat for Molly Ringwald or something.

At least now we all know where the eighth season of 24 will be set – the studio of America’s Next Top Model. It makes so much sense – Kiefer Sutherland wouldn’t have to fake his rage for the fashion industry, plus we get the impression that the sight of Tyra Banks tied to a chair getting her kneecaps shattered while electrodes dangle from her nipples might be something of a ratings winner.

That’s provided that Kiefer Sutherland’s intense hatred of fashion designers doesn’t land him in jail for the rest of his life, of course – after allegedly headbutting Jack McCollough at a party to protect the honour of Brooke Shields this week, his future looks uncertain. Especially now that he’s been charged with assault, as Reuters reports:

Actor Kiefer Sutherland turned himself into police on Thursday and was arrested and charged with assault for headbutting another man at a swank party in New York City. The star of the hit television show “24″ was questioned by police at a station in the Manhattan neighborhood of Soho and faces a minor assault charge, according to a police spokeswoman.

Normally a charge of minor assault wouldn’t carry much of a punishment, but don’t forget this is Kiefer Sutherland we’re talking about – he’s previously been arrested so many times that headbutting McCollough probably violates the terms of about 75 different probations. This basically leaves a judge with two options. If Kiefer Sutherland is convicted then he can either be sent to prison immediately or let out onto the street where he’ll get shitfaced within a couple of minutes, start a fight with his own reflection, get rearrested and then go to prison.

But still, at least now he’s been charged, Kiefer Sutherland has set himself up for one of the greatest courtroom battles in recent history. It’s going to be amazing – Kiefer will get to do his gritty “I did what I did because I needed to” shtick, Jack McCollough will get to fake terror every time that Kiefer so much as flinches – plus all the witnesses were at a party with Brooke Shields and Kiefer Sutherland, so they’re bound to be a bunch of terrifically obnoxious nimrods.

A word of advice, though, Kiefer – tell the court that you had to headbutt Jack McCollough yourself because if Brooke Shields tried it she’d have suffocated him with her giant eyebrows and killed him. If anything, you were helping him out.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!