HecklerSpray

Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy

Kiefer Sutherland Free To Headbutt Anybody He Likes, Sort Of

By Stuart Heritage

Kiefer Sutherland, Kiefer Sutherland headbutt, Kiefer Sutherland prosecuted, Brooke Shields, Jack McCulloughGetting headbutted by Kiefer Sutherland would be amazing – it’d be like Rembrandt painting you a picture.

Because Kiefer is a master headbutter. Sure, it’d be better if he tied you to a chair, put your feet in a bucket of water and electrocuted you with a cable torn from a standard lamp but that’s hardly practical on a day-to-day basis. No, Kiefer Sutherland’s headbutt is the perfect expression of form and content.

The Manhattan District Attorney’s office realises this, so it won’t be prosecuting Kiefer Sutherland for allegedly headbutting that guy back in May. What a heartwarming story. About headbutts.

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Kiefer Sutherland Charged With Being A Headbutty Maniac

By Stuart Heritage

Kiefer Sutherland, Kiefer Sutherland charged, 24, Jack Bauer, Jack McCullough, Brooke ShieldsKiefer Sutherland isn’t Jack Bauer. Hard to believe, we know, but they’re different in just about every way.

Jack Bauer, for instance, breaks the law in all sorts of spectacular ways to save America from terrorists then gets pardoned by the president afterwards. Kiefer Sutherland, on the other hand, commits petty crimes to save 1980s actresses then gets charged afterwards.

Kiefer Sutherland has been charged with minor assault following his alleged headbutting incident this week. Sad – we wanted to see how far he’d take this hobby. Maybe he’d end up shoplifting a Chunky Kit Kat for Molly Ringwald or something.

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