Let this be a lesson to you all – you don’t relentlessly stalk Uma Thurman with a series of disturbing gifts and nightmarish doodles and get away with it.

Unless you mean that you’ll go to jail if you stalk Uma Thurman, because if that’s the case then yes, you probably will get away with it – just like Jack Jordan, the man recently found guilty of being Uma Thurman’s crazy stalker. Rather than jail, Jack Jordan has been given three years probation and some outpatient psychiatric treatment.

In addition to this, Jack Jordan has been banned from any contact with Uma Thurman for five years. Which means that the unveiling of his masterwork Man Falling Off Giant Razorblade Into Grave Dug By Giggling Bride Uma Thurman (Oil On Canvas) has been pushed back to 2013, a bitter blow to lovers of creepy deranged art everywhere.

Some celebrity stalkers of recent years have been more blindly traditional (anonymously sending packets of dildos to Britney Spears) or thrillingly creative (a tip of the hat to you, Dessarae Bradford), but none have managed the full-on high profile media assault of Uma Thurman’s stalker Jack Jordan.

Jack Jordan ran the gauntlet of stalking techniques to try and convince Uma Thurman that they were preordained to be together forever – he contacted Uma’s father and threatened to kill himself, he slept in a car near Uma’s house and he sent her torn-up pieces of paper, pictures of headless brides, creepy cards with stick figures of grave diggers on the back and a scribbled list of creepy words – but all to no avail.

Not only did Uma Thurman turn down Jack Jordan’s attractive ‘stay with me forever and never leave me’ proposition, but she also took him to court and got him convicted of stalking and harrassing her – charges that carry a maximum punishment of a year in jail.

Not that Jack Jordan’s going to serve a year in jail, though – as he was sentenced yesterday, it became clear that ‘no time in jail at all’ was closer to what the judge had in mind. E! Online reports:

“I’m terrified of being incarcerated again,” he told the court before his sentencing. “My greatest wish is that I had known sooner that I was putting fear into the heart [of Thurman].” While prosecutors pushed for the maximum sentence of one year in prison for the conviction on aggravated harassment , New York State Supreme Court Justice Gregory Carro opted to have Jordan serve probation in his home state of Maryland with the condition that he receive outpatient psychiatric treatment… As for his stalking count, Jordan was sentenced to time already served.

Escaping jail can only be a good thing for Jack Jordan, because as a celebrity stalker he’d face a barrage of victimisation from other inmates if he was sent to jail – at least until he’d drawn pictures of them as headless giggling brides and won their hearts forever. But what about Uma Thurman?

Surely Uma won’t be able to fully relax with Jordan still on the outside. Every day that Jack Jordan isn’t locked up – even if he’s in another state – will be another day that she’ll be expecting another terrifying onslaught of negative attention. Not that she’ll have to adjust all that much, though – on any given day she already has to put up with verbal abuse from up to 400 disgruntled fans who were tricked into seeing My Super Ex Girlfriend. She’ll do OK.

Some shocking news – that bloke who kept sending Uma Thurman creepy love letters and visiting her all the time? Turns out he’s a stalker.

That was the decision reached by the jury in a New York court yesterday, anyway, where Uma Thurman’s stalker Jack Jordan was found guilty of stalking and harassing Thurman and immediately jailed pending his sentencing next month.

But who’s the real criminal here? Is it the man who systematically terrorised Uma Thurman by sending her pictures of headless brides and telling her that her children don’t actually exist, or is it society?

What? The first one? Yeah, that probably makes sense, actually.

Look at Uma Thurman. Look at her. There’s just something about her, isn’t there. Something that draws you in. Something that tells you that Uma is predestined to fall in love with you until the end of time. Something that says “Hey boys, you want some of this? Then send me a relentless stream of terrifying doodles and messages that will firmly convince me of your desperate mental instability.”

We’re joking, of course – as normally-functioning human beings, the only thing that Uma Thurman says to us is “Don’t go and see any of my films, none of them are very good” – but that doesn’t apply to Jack Jordan, a man who loves Uma Thurman more than any man really has the right to.

During last week’s stalky court case, we heard how Jack Jordan had threatened to kill himself if he couldn’t be with Uma Thurman, and that he sent Uma just about the creepiest stuff imaginable. True, his lawyer said that Jack Jordan was just a hopeless romantic who couldn’t tell the difference between a bunch of flowers and a stick figure drawing of himself falling off a giant Acme razor blade into an open grave while Uma Thurman, wearing a wedding dress, stood next to him and said “tee hee,” but that didn’t work.

Yesterday Jack Jordan was found guilty of stalking and one count of aggravated harassment and now faces up to a year in jail, as the Associated Press reports:

“I’ve learned some disturbing things about this defendant during this case,” said state Supreme Court Justice Gregory Carro. “I am going to remand him for a psychiatric exam.” Defense lawyer George Vomvolakis said Jordan was disappointed with the verdict and that he will soon decide whether to appeal. He requested protective custody for Jordan, saying he faces “specific threats because he’s a stalker.”

Exactly! Where are the stalkers’ rights here? As a convicted stalker, Jack Jordan should have access to a few basic necessities in jail, like an endless supply of Uma Thurman posters for him to lick day and night and a small brush allowing him to daub globs of his own semen across any letters he chooses to write to Uma over the next 12 months.

Anyway, let’s forget about Jack Jordan and concentrate on what a relief his incarceration must be to Uma Thurman. Not only is he guaranteed to be out of her way for up to a year but, now that she’s effectively put him in prison, Uma Thurman doesn’t need to worry about Jack Jordan being in love with her any more.

True, it means he’ll probably bombard her with death threats, bunches of dead flowers and horrifically-melted Barbie doll heads, but he definitely won’t love her any more.

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Jury in New York City convicts fan of stalking Uma Thurman - AP

Nobody really knows what women want, but we know what Uma Thurman doesn’t want – creepy pictures of headless brides sent to her.

And that’s kind of a shame, because that’s precisely the thing that Uma Thurman’s crazed stalker misunderstood fan crazed stalker Jack Jordan happened to send her.

Uma Thurman finally got her chance to testify in her court case against alleged stalker Jack Jordan yesterday, and took the chance to list all of the disturbing stuff that he’d sent her in the past. And most could agree that Uma Thurman gave a good performance on the stand. OK, a decent performance. Nobody walked out during it, at least. So, you know, it did better than Paycheck.

There’s such a fine line between appreciation and obsession, isn’t there. Sometimes it’s hard to see the line. For example, why is it OK to compliment someone on their work but less OK to send them a stick figure cartoon of them saying “tee hee” as you topple from a giant Acme razorblade into an open grave? Aren’t they essentially the same thing?

Jack Jordan obviously shares this confusion, which is why he’s been in court all week facing charges of stalking and harassing Uma Thurman. Throughout the week we’ve seen several sides of Jordan – his own lawyer says that he’s a harmless misguided romantic at worst, while Uma Thurman’s parents painted him as a disturbed man who threatened to kill himself if he couldn’t be with Uma.

Perhaps we’d all have a better handle of what Jack Jordan’s obsession with Uma Thurman was about if we heard from Uma Thurman herself. And that’s why Uma Thurman took to the stand yesterday to describe her experiences of being the focus of Jack Jordan’s attention. As the New York Times reports, the key moment came when Uma Thurman revealed what was in a package Jordan sent her:

Little pieces of torn paper, a dollar bill and a picture of a headless bride fell out of the envelope, she said, along with a store-bought religious confirmation card for a child. On the front was a dreamy pastel image of a small blonde girl, a spray of pink flowers and a dove. On the back was a crude pen-and-ink drawing of a male stick figure — apparently meant to be Mr. Jordan — walking off the edge of an Acme razor blade into an open grave next to a female stick figure — apparently meant to be Ms. Thurman — with a thought balloon over her head saying, “Tee-hee.”

Oh, that’s not all. Uma Thurman also revealed that written inside the card was a spiral of words, many of which had been scribbled out, including ‘chocolate’, ‘soft’, ‘mouth’, ‘kissing’ and the inevitable ‘my hand should be on your body.’

Just one hand, you understand. Even Jack Jordan doesn’t like Uma Thurman enough for a two-handed Uma-fondle.

During her testimony, Uma Thurman appeared to be torn between the terror that she understandably went through during this ordeal and a sort of resigned pity about helping to send a man to prison. In fact, her weary, drawn testimony was a reminder that being subjected to this kind of ordeal can have a profoundly upsetting effect on someone’s life.

Now, if only Jack Jordan had done what Colin Farrell‘s stalker did and made a funky pop song about his stalking adventures, then it’d be much easier to poke fun at him. Stupid Jack Jordan.

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Uma Thurman Tells of Odd Card Left by Pursuer - NYT

You know when you tell a girl that you love her and if she doesn’t love you back you’ll kill yourself? Yeah, apparently not such a great tactic.

Maybe that’s where we’ve been going wrong all these years. And not just us, either – Uma Thurman‘s alleged stalker Jack Jordan has fallen foul of this weird quirk of female nature as well. In court yesterday, Uma Thurman’s mother described a phone call with Jordan where he said he’d kill himself if he and her daughter weren’t predestined to be together.

And, surprisingly enough, this didn’t end in Uma Thurman leaping into Jack Jordan’s arms and yelling “Oh kiss me, you great big psychologically-deranged schnookie-noogs!” Women, huh? Can’t live with them, can’t disturb them to the point of shrieking hysteria.

Court cases involving celebrities tend to be quite boring, unless the celebrities have been accused of shooting a woman’s face off, because they all usually involve drink-driving and the celebrities are usually always guilty. So thank heavens for the 12-month reign of terror that frenzied stalker Jack Jordan is accused of hammering Uma Thurman and her family with, because at least it’s a bit different.

You probably know the details by now – Jack Jordan apparently bombarded Uma Thurman with letters and emails and disturbing pictures of Uma Thurman digging his grave and would sleep in his car outside her house and whatnot. And now the case has finally reached court.

Yesterday we reported how Jack Jordan’s lawyer described his client as a kind of creepy, woefully-misguided romantic, like something out of Romeo And Juliet if Romeo And Juliet‘s famous balcony scene ended with the line “Seriously Romeo, get away from my balcony. You’re creeping me the fuck out and I’m trying to learn lines for My Super Ex-Girlfriend.”

And now Uma Thurman’s parents have taken to the stand to discuss the other side of the story – the side that’s a bit less ‘romantic’ and a bit more ‘crazy man threatening to kill himself’. According to the New York Times, Uma Thurman’s mother had a particularly enlightening telephone conversation with Jack Jordan:

“I wanted to know what was on his mind, so I asked him what this was all about,” she testified. “He told me in so many words that he believed that he and my daughter had a preordained life, as it were, that they were meant to be together. He knew this. She didn’t know it. If she saw him, she would know they were destined to be together and be very happy.” She tried, she said, to talk Mr. Jordan out of his infatuation, telling him that he was “projecting” his own fantasies onto Uma Thurman’s life, and that they had no basis in reality. She testified that Mr. Jordan replied that “in that case there was no meaning in life for him. He would have to kill himself. Probably in a month or so he would be gone.”

Seriously? Jack Jordan thought about killing himself after being told that Uma Thurman probably wouldn’t want to marry him? We’d have contemplated suicide way before that – about the time we realised that Uma Thurman being the meaning of our lives would probably involve having to watch Paycheck more than once, to be precise.

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Actress’s Parents Tell of Stalker Suspect – NY Times

Jack Jordan, you’ve let us down. All that time you were stalking Uma Thurman in a number of imaginatively creepy ways, we thought you were being illegal.

And now your lawyer is saying that you weren’t being illegal in an effort to keep you out of jail? That is very disappointing, Jack Jordan. Very disappointing indeed.

But on the plus side, if Jack Jordan is acquitted of his Uma Thurman stalking charges, it basically means that we’re all legally free to send the object of our obsession terrifying hand-drawn pictures of ourselves walking along a razorblade while they eeirly dig our graves. Good lord, Martine McCutcheon had better hope that Jack Jordan is found guilty.

To be an effective stalker, you need to have an angle. Without a USP (unique stalking point), you’ll blend into the crowd and never be heard of again, but with a little effort you’ll be the toast of the annual Creepy Stalker Convention.

Now, joining the likes of Emily Leatherman, the woman who throws bags of screwdrivers into John Cusack’s garden; Dessarae Bradford, the woman who writes books about the people she stalks and Unidentified Dildo Fanatic Number One, who’s been pestering Britney Spears lately, comes Uma Thurman’s alleged stalker Jack Jordan.

Jack Jordan has a complex USP. On the surface, it looks as if all he does is send creepy pictures and threats of suicide to Uma Thurman and occasionally sleeps in a car outside her house – your typical stalker fare – but the genius part is that, once he was arrested for stalking Uma Thurman, he claimed that he wasn’t guilty even though he sort of admits to doing all the stuff he’s been accused of.

And that’s why, in court yesterday, Jack Jordan’s lawyer admitted that – while Jordan might be incredibly creepy – he’s not actually doing anything illegal. BBC News reports:

A man accused of stalking Kill Bill actress Uma Thurman thought he was being romantic, his lawyer has claimed. “Creepy? Yes. Obsessed? Yes. Criminal? No,” George Vomvolakis said at the start of Jack Jordan’s New York trial. In his opening statement, Mr Vomvolakis said his client “does not think the way you and I think. He doesn’t know the boundaries you and I know,” he told the jury.

You have to admit it’s a genius gambit, and if George Vomvolakis manages to get Jack Jordan off the hook then he’s set himself up with a lifetime of guaranteed work, knowing that his next client will always be just on the other side of his bedroom window trying to listen to him sleep at night.

It’s a long shot – and really, we don’t know why Vomvolakis didn’t just go with the old ‘nobody likes Uma Thurman that much, not even creepy psychiatric patients’ approach – but if he wins the case then we’re sure Jack Jordan will be grateful. Really grateful. Maybe even ‘invite yourself around for dinner at 3am’. Maybe even ‘sending razorblade-walking pictures’ grateful. Maybe.

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Uma Stalker ‘Creepy Not Criminal’ – BBC

You might classify drawing a picture of yourself walking along a razorblade while Uma Thurman digs your grave, or threatening to kill yourself if you ever see see Uma Thurman with another man as 'quite mental'.

But Jack Jordan certainly wouldn't, no sirree. And that's a shame, because he's the man who was arrested and stands accused of recently doing both of those things to Uma Thurman. But there's a lifeline – prosecutors have offered Jack Jordan a plea deal that would mean he'd get a reduced sentence if he admits guilt to the charges of stalking and attempted coercion. The only problem there is that Jack Jordan would be spending the reduced sentence locked up in a mental institution. And since he claims he isn't mental, Jack Jordan has decided to reject it. But, come on, liking Uma Thurman? And he claims he isn't crazy?

We've always judged the scale of crazy obsession to be a little bit fuzzy, and much of it depends on the object of the obsession. For instance, if the object was the French bra-girl from the Marks & Spencers advert, then ordering everyone in the room to be silent so you can lick the TV screen like a dog in peace each time her commercial comes on can't possibly be classified as obsessive. Everyone does it. There's nothing wrong with doing that.

But Uma Thurman, on the other hand, is different. For example, anyone who paid money to go and see Uma Thurman in My Super Ex-Girlfriend at the cinema or on DVD clearly suffers from a dangerous clinical obsession and should be locked up forever immediately. Or drowned. Or both.

With this in mind, you'd need to be completely doolally to even attempt to do any of the following to Uma Thurman: 1) Sleep in your car dangerously close to Uma Thurman's house, 2) break into Uma Thurman's trailer and leave cartoons of yourself walking along a razorblade while she digs your grave, 3) Threaten to kill yourself if you ever see Uma Thurman with another man, 4) Entertain the thought of watching the Uma Thurman movie Be Cool, even for the briefest of moments.

Sadly, 35-year-old Jack Jordan is accused of three – tragically maybe even four – of these things. In October Jordan was arrested and charged with stalking, aggravated harassment and attempted coercion, and last month his court appearances even inspired a haiku or two.

Things don't look great for Jack Jordan – if he's convicted of the charges he'll be sentenced to four years in jail – but prosecutors still want to cut him some slack. They want to reduce Jordan's charges, but to do that he first has to agree to plead guilty to slaking Uma Thurman and then spend a year in a mental facility.

However, Jack Jordan has dismissed the plea deal on the basis that he doesn't want a criminal record, and will now run the risk of being hit with the full force of the charges.

We can understand where this rejection came from, though – imagine spending a year in a mental facility. It'd be horrible – and almost impossible to draw any more razorblade/ grave pictures of you and Uma Thurman. And, really, isn't that what this case is all about?

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Uma Fan Says No To Nuthouse - E! Online