Christmas is coming – you can tell by that distinct chill in the air, the look of barely-contained glee on the faces of children and the sight of a red-faced, bulge-eyed former Hollyoaks actor hurling swearwords at a cluster of young families.

That former Hollyoaks actor, as if it could be anyone else, was our old friend Paul Danan – who up to six of you may remember from also being on Celebrity Love Island a couple of years ago. Paul Danan was all set to play Jack in the local panto production of Jack And The Beanstalk at Preston's Charter Theatre this year, but now he's not. What could Paul Danan have done to lose such a searingly high-profile acting role? Why, screaming "Come on, make some motherfucking noise!" at the disparate gaggle of bewildered children and pensioners who'd come to see Danan switch on Preston's Christmas lights, of course.