Look, I know you’re busy, so I’ll make this quick.

What with all the problems with the economy, the BP oil spill, those contagious monkeys hanging round your flat, that growth on the inside of your right nasal passage and all that stuff, you probably haven’t been keeping up with the latest news involving ‘kind of used to be famous, scarily orange girls who fall out of nightclubs for a living’, such as Tara Reid.

God knows you haven’t been following her straight-to-video film career, right? I mean, no one has. Most of the films she made in the last two years don’t even have Wikipedia pages. How is that possible? Even Hitler Bacon has an entry, and that sounds made up (and totally delicious).

Anyway I promised you the short story, so here it is:

Proposed to by German internet millionaire in January, planned wedding for summer, called off the wedding in April, went to a party on a boat with him, Jackie Collins, Ivana Trump and the Astronaut Buzz Aldrin and was seen  – according to tvnz’s whisperings:

sitting on Michael’s lap looking lovingly into his eyes as he pursed his lips together for a kiss

Oh yeah. The internet millionaire is called Michael or something. I didn’t think you’d care to be honest.

Done and done. You can go back to pretending to work now.

Although, hold on. Stuff the fact that some brightly coloured out of work actress is going back for a drunken gimme with her wealthy ex – Buzz Aldrin was there? What the heck did NASA feed those guys?  The real story here is how on earth an 80-year-old piece of ballast for a rocketship managed to swing an invite for an amazingly expensive boat party while I’m at home trying to find a stockist for Hitler Bacon.

Well, at least he probably went home early to watch recorded episodes of Countdown and ring the speaking clock, right? Oh, what?

Later in the evening, Tara cuddled up to Buzz… and took to the dance floor.

I mean, it’s still incredible that an octogenarian with a frankly ridiculous name is still out partying with ladies less than half his age, but still, Buzz. You can do better.

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Celebrity Big Brother viewer, you have spoken. And it’s because of you that Heidi and Katia are no more.

Not literally no more, you understand – this is Celebrity Big Brother, not Jim’ll Fix It – but they’ve been evicted anyway. What’ll they do now that they’re free agents? Who knows – our guess is that Katia will try to sell lurid stories about Basshunter‘s penis and Heidi will continue to slowly and visibly melt like some kind of depressed snowman – but let’s forget about those idiots.

There are still all kinds of woeful dullards in the Celebrity Big Brother house, so let’s have a peek at them instead. Good idea? No? Well tough, we’re doing it anyway…

Nicola T – Oh Nicola T, we barely knew you. Admittedly that’s because you never really bothered to grow a personality, and as a result spending any amount of time in your company is like spending an eternity with a bucket of wallpaper paste, but it looks like your time is about to come to an end. Nicola T, you see, has been nominated for Celebrity Big Brother eviction and, unless something drastic happens, she’ll be the one who goes. Unless the Celebrity Big Brother viewers forget that she exists, of course. We do that a lot.

Lady Sovereign -Poor old Lady Sovereign. She may have survived one eviction, but the Celebrity Big Brother housemates seem determined to chew her up and spit her out – she’s already been nominated again. Why? Could it be that everyone is jealous of how grounded and funny Lady Sovereign is? Could it be that they can’t bring themselves to abbreviate her name to ‘Sov’, because they’re grown-up human beings? Or, as some have suggested, is it because eviction survival has gone to her head? That last one’s a little hard to believe – why anyone would get big-headed over the fact that about 12 lonely idiots disliked her slightly less than Heidi Fleiss is beyond us. Still, let’s keep Lady Sovereign in, because she’ll only go and record a duet with The Ordinary Boys if she leaves. That’s what people like her do, see.

Ivana Trump – Thank God that Ivana Trump wants to write a book about her Celebrity Big Brother experience, because how else would we know what it’s like to sit in a room and look slightly bored, huh? Anyway, in lieu of Ivana Trump doing anything interesting in the Celebrity Big Brother house, here’s a list of titles for that book: Here’s A Story About The Time I Had Less Exposure Than At Any Other Point In My Entire Life, Diary Of A Woman Who Spent Three Weeks Explaining How Successful She Is At Everything, I Went On A Show And Nothing Happened (Can I Talk About How Silly My Ex-Husband’s Hair Is Now?). That’s all we’ve got.

Dane Bowers - We could be wrong here, but Dane Bowers is looking more and more like a potential Celebrity Big Brother winner. What’s surprising about that is that he doesn’t seem like an especially pleasant person in real life. Yes, he was the charismatic one in that duet with Victoria Beckham, but a poo in a shoe would be the charismatic one in a duet with Victoria Beckham. Still, let’s not do him down – if Dane Bowers does win Celebrity Big Brother, then we should let him have his moment of happiness, the bulge-faced idiot.

Stephen Baldwin – Stephen Baldwin is still on Celebrity Big Brother, and this is obviously a mistake. Look at him, for crying out loud – American, berserk, oblivious to everything, finding a new fanbase in Britain. He’s David Gest, you morons. Keep him in the Celebrity Big Brother house much longer and he’ll decide to live here so that he can turn up on Celebrity Come Dine With Me with a couple of midgets and Mickey Rooney. Is that what you want? Is it, Celebrity Big Brother viewer? Well on your hands be it. Just don’t come running to us when it all goes wrong.

Stephanie Beacham – All of this year’s Celebrity Big Brother housemates have managed to live up to their public image quite well so far. For instance, Alex Reid is a berk, Nicola T is nice but dull and Stephen Baldwin is the stupidest man alive. However, having said that, Stephanie Beacham has spent the last few weeks being more like Stephanie Beacham than anyone could have ever hoped. Right from the moment that she started complaining about the poor quality of the bedsheets, she’s been a treasure – and, if anything, she’s only got worse. Part of us wants to keep Stephanie Beacham in the Celebrity Big Brother house until the end to see if she can complete her transformation into Lucille Bluth from Arrested Development. But the other, more sensible, part knows that starting to care about who wins Celebrity Big Brother is the beginning of the end for any sensible human being.

Alex Reid – At the time of writing, it would appear that an online debate is raging over whether or not Alex Reid is attractive. To be fair, the current consensus seems to be – quite rightly – that Alex Reid is a potato-headed moron with a body that looks like the result of a peanut allergy and even less self-awareness than his sort-of girlfriend; a fact which, considering that she once auditioned for Eurovision and had sex with Dane Bowers, is really saying something. But it’s not a completely one-sided debate, though – some people really do think that Alex Reid is a catch. And by ‘some people’ we mean ‘probably his mum’. What’s this got to do with Celebrity Big Brother? Not a lot. We just like taking the piss out of Alex Reid. And so do you, if you’re honest.

Vinnie Jones – If reports are to be believed, then Vinnie Jones is only doing Celebrity Big Brother to pay off a gigantic tax bill. But you know what? We’re not convinced. No, we think that – having made such films as EuroTrip, The Midnight Meat Train and Hell Ride - Vinnie Jones is simply using this excuse to spend a few weeks trapped in a mirror-filled box with the most awful Baldwin brother and a man who actually calls himself Basshunter as intellectual stimulation. It’s clearly the most intelligent thing he’s done in years, maybe even his life. And we mean that in a positive way, too, if it means that Vinnie Jones won’t violently assault us for saying it.

Basshunter – Our hearts were bleeding for Basshunter this weekend. His beloved Katia – the object of his ever-lasting affection – has been evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house. Still, Basshunter didn’t get to be Basshunter by being an emotional wimp – which is why we’ve calculated that he’s just hours away from trying to feel up Nicola T. And then, if she gets evicted before him, just a few hours from feeling up Lady Sovereign. And then Stephanie Beacham. And then Ivana Trump. And then, probably, the Baldwin chap. And so on, until Basshunter is left as the final person left in the Celebrity Big Brother house, at which point he’ll just masturbate into a mirror as many times as he can before he’s asked to leave. And so it has been foretold.

Sisqo - We have been informed that Sisqo is still part of Celebrity Big Brother. We had to check, because it’s not like he does very much, is it?

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Oh thank God for that. This time last week it looked as if Celebrity Big Brother had got its mojo back.

It hadn’t, of course. Now it’s clear that the closest thing to a celebrity in the Celebrity Big Brother this year is a woman who was on Coronation Street for a short amount of time a year ago, the audience has fallen away again, with people only tuning in out of a mixture of snow-induced tedium and profound self-loathing.

However, Celebrity Big Brother is still going – with Heidi Fleiss, Katia Ivanova and Lady Sovereign first up for eviction – so we’d better see how all the housemates are doing, right? Hooray for everything…

Katia & Basshunter – We’ll start with these two, and we’ll lump them in together because they’re providing the bulk of Celebrity Big Brother‘s narrative drive this year with their tedious pretend romance. You might be forgiven for skipping the rest of this paragraph because history has imprinted the next few steps into your mind several times over – Katia and Basshunter will leave the Celebrity Big Brother house, do a couple of magazine spreads together, try to get a reality TV show, fail and then split up when everyone loses interest – but wait. There’s a problem. What do we call Katia and Basshunter? We can’t call them Kasshunter, because that makes them sound like a detective from a shit book, and we can’t call them Batia because that sounds like ‘Batter ya’ which sounds a little insensitive coming so soon after Ronnie Wood was arrested on suspicion of attacking Katia in the street. Oh bollocks to it. Batia it is.

Nicola T – Unless we’re wrong, Nicola T seems to be using Celebrity Big Brother to show that she’s just an ordinary everywoman. And she is, too – Nicola T is just like you. You know, like the way that you spent a good portion of your life posing topless in newspapers before flitting between footballers and becoming mired in debt as your fame started to fall away. You’re basically identical. Aside from this, Nicola seems to be playing the Lucy Pinder card in the Celebrity Big Brother house – she’s an unstoppable dullard, but at least she’s got boobs.

Alex Reid – OK, admit it – who here was surprised when they realised that Alex Reid could speak in full sentences? We know we were. After reading everything about him – from his cagefighting to his stint on Hollyoaks to his cross-dressing to his dalliance with Jordan – we’d become convinced that he’d literally be so braindead that he’d only be able to communicate with a series of rudimentary grunts and gestures. But, no, Celebrity Big Brother has proved once and for all that Alex Reid can speak in full sentences. True, they’re all crap sentences and Alex Reid is still a monumental self-regarding twonk, but you have to take what you can get.

Dane Bowers - This probably says more about the other Celebrity Big Brother housemates than it does about him, but Dane Bowers has emerged as the everyman of the series. You know – the decent, funny, self-deprecating one who’ll keep his head down and end up coming second. And this is Dane Bowers we’re talking about here. The one who filmed himself having it off with Jordan. The one who formed an under-achieving all-star boyband with the crap one from 911, the crap one from Steps, the crap one from New Kids On The Block and Bradley from S Club 7. The one who once tried to make a sitcom about himself called Bow To The Bowers. He’s the everyman? Him? We’re not sure what our point is here, but it’s probably something like ‘We hate everything’. That tends to be case quite often, doesn’t it?

Heidi Fleiss - Now, Heidi Fleiss might be a decent, friendly woman. Then again, she might not be. We just don’t know, because every time we see her on Celebrity Big Brother we’re too busy trying to work out what she looks like to listen to anything she says. Does she look like a picture of Pete Burns that’s been drawn on a pensioner’s scrotum? Does she look like a commemorative plastic plate of David Gest‘s face that’s been left on a car dashboard in the middle of the desert for a month? Does she look like the ghost of Steven Tyler? We just don’t know and, frankly, we could use a bit of help here.

Stephen Baldwin – We’ve decided that it’s time to dig up Heath Ledger‘s body and snatch that Oscar out of his hands. He didn’t deserve to win for his portrayal of The Joker – from watching Celebrity Big Brother it’s becoming increasingly clear that he just did a slightly toned-down impression of Stephen Baldwin and nothing more in The Dark Knight. It’s all there – the disquieting sing-song voice, the inability to speak without lolling his head around like an unrestrained maniac, the detached half-smile. Obviously Heath didn’t copy Stephen Baldwin completely – if he’d included all of Baldwin’s Jesus stuff then his performance would have been too terrifying for audiences to stomach at all.

Sisqo – So it turns out that Sisqo’s not quite as much of a billowing turdbucket as we thought he was, then. He’s actually quite sweet, as proved by his turn in the Celebrity Big Brother Hunk-Off where – forgetting that he’s basically a midget primarily famous for singing a song about some knickers – he fretted endlessly how an appearance in a mankini would affect his reputation “in the hood”. That said, Sisqo should really learn that his name needs a letter U in it. And until he does that, we’re afraid we can’t fully support him.

Lady Sovereign - Is Lady Sovereign going to win Celebrity Big Brother, then? At the moment, it sort of seems like she should. Unlike most of the other Celebrity Big Brother housemates – or at least the ones we’ve heard of – Lady Sovereign doesn’t appear to be an even more grotesque caricature of her public image. Quite the opposite, in fact. She’s slightly better spoken than she makes out, and not so much of a gurning chav, plus she actually seems like she thinks about things before doing them. Plus she did a song with The Ordinary Boys which… no, actually, you’re right. Lady Sovereign shouldn’t win Celebrity Big Brother at all, should she?

Stephanie Beacham - This is just a hunch, but we feel safe in predicting that Stephanie Beacham will easily come of Celebrity Big Brother as the nation’s favourite aristocratic gay man. He’s hilarious, sitting at the back of the house making waspy comments about everyone in his silly jewellery and funny wig and endless anecdotes about Joan Collins. We don’t know where he gets his material from, but this Stephanie Beacham guy is a hoot!

Vinnie Jones – It’s weird that the overriding response to Vinnie Jones entering the Celebrity Big Brother house was “Vinnie Jones? But he’s really famous!” Because he isn’t, you know. He really isn’t. He’s played a few almost-mute walnut-headed thugs in a few barely-watched films and he once grabbed Paul Gascoigne‘s testicles. That’s it. Look at his IMDb page. His last films were a violent DMX movie that nobody has seen and something called Legend Of The Bog. He’s hardly Johnny Depp, is he? Still, he seems like a nice enough chap and, yes, we’re only writing that to stop him from furiously biting our nose off when he gets out of the Celebrity Big Brother house.

Ivana Trump – And, hey, look, Ivana Trump’s the newest member of the Celebrity Big Brother family. And, although it might be too early to say, she actually seems quite lovely. Still, God knows what she’s doing on the show, though – she’s already successful, famous and so rich she could buy the Celebrity Big Brother house and tear it down. The last thing she needs to do is to go on a barely-watched reality TV show to listen to the crappest Baldwin brother yap on about Jesus like a bible-fixated toddler all the time. So why is she doing it? We don’t know. Maybe she’s just an idiot. Ever think of that, huh?

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You might think that Ivana Trump enjoys May to December romances, but Ivana would regard that as a hideous insult.

May To December? How offensive! Everyone knows that Ivana Trump only ever falls in love for the long term. And by that we mean April to December romances. April to December romances that must end exactly on the stroke of the first of December.

Which is to say that Ivana Trump has split up with her half-as-young-as-she-is husband after just seven months of marriage. You may react to this news however you like. We suggest shrugging.

Some women have a type of man that they go for, but not Ivana Trump. So long as you’re a man, you’re inappropriately younger than her, you have a silly name, you look a bit sleazy and your idea of restrained sophistication involves buying a golden walk-in refrigerator with an ornate cherub for a handle that plays harp concertos every time you open it, Ivana Trump is more or less guaranteed to fall completely in love with you.

Because that’s Ivana Trump’s problem – she falls in love too easily. With arseholes, mainly. Ivana fell in love with George Syrovatka for eight years, then Donald Trump for 15 years, then Riccardo Mazzucchelli for two years and, this year, she fell in love with Rossano Rubicondi. And then out of love with Rossano Rubicondi again. Quite quickly.

Seven months after Ivana Trump married Rubicondi, their marriage has come stumbling to an end. It was such a beautiful ceremony, too – held on Ivana’s ex-husband Donald’s estate, in front of Donald, with Donald’s sister acting as the minister and with a reception in the exact room that Donald had his last wedding reception in.

Bizarrely, though, it wasn’t the nagging sense that everything he ever did would always be compared to a belligerent old man with a haircut like a baboon’s buttocks being pulled apart by a wind-tunnel that drove Rossano Rubicondi away from Ivana Trump – it was a reality TV show. Fox News reports:

The 59-year-old says she actually separated from 35-year-old Rossano Rubicon three months ago, but kept it hush hush so as to not mess up his chances on the Italian version of Survivor. “Rossano wants to live in Miami and work in Milan,” Trump said. “But, I am a New Yorker and my family, friends and businesses are here. As the beautiful song says, `Que sera sera!’”

Good for Ivana Trump. With age and experience she’s learnt to roll with the punches and take any bad news – even the news of her own divorce – by remembering the lyrics of beautiful songs. Incidentally, we’d imagine that the songs I Am A Cartoonishly Garish Old Lady and Don’t Forget To Treat Your Face As If It Was A Slab Of Furniture Leather have come in handy several times throughout Ivana’s life.

But still, maybe Ivana Trump does have a type after all – stars of reality TV shows. First Donald Trump from The Apprentice and then Rossano Rubicon from Survivor? If we were Bubble from Big Brother 2, we’d be crapping it right now.

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Most divorced couples hate the guts out of each other, but Donald and Ivana Trump don’t – Donald and Ivana Trump have got class.

We’re just kidding. Donald Trump and Ivana Trump aren’t classy at all – they’re essentially just incredibly wealthy chavs who don’t like anything unless it’s covered in repulsive amounts of gold – but they still like each other, and that was our original point.

How much do Donald Trump and Ivana Trump like each other? So much that when Ivana Trump got married for the fourth time this weekend, she got married on Donald Trump’s estate. In front of Donald Trump. In a ceremony conducted by Donald Trump’s sister. There’s a rumour that Ivana Trump will also only make love to her new husband if he’s wearing a Donald Trump facemask, but that’s probably untrue because – christ – imagine having sex with Donald Trump. Bleurgh.

If you’ve seen Donald Trump’s The Apprentice lately, then… no, let’s start again. Nobody has seen Donald Trump’s The Apprentice lately.

Anyway, Donald Trump is a man known for his cutthroat business attitudes, his merciless self-promotion and his haircut that looks like a monkey’s buttock combover. His love for other human beings, however, isn’t exactly high on the list.

But oddly, Donald Trump still seems to have a small amount of affection for his ex-wife Ivana Trump. And quite right too – Donald and Ivana shared 13 years of such narcissistic marriage that they called the children they had together Donald, Ivanka and, um, Eric. It’s grisly, but it sounds like it worked.

It must have done, because Ivana Trump married her fourth husband on Saturday, and Donald Trump’s presence was felt so strongly that they may as well have balanced comedy ginger wigs on all the wedding balloons too, as People reports:

Ivana Maria Trump married Rossano Rubicondi Saturday before 500 friends and family members at Mar-a-Lago, the Palm Beach estate of her ex, Donald Trump… The ceremony was conducted by Judge Maryanne Trump Barry, The Donald’s sister, and was attended by the man himself… Guests, including actor George Hamilton and Kathy and Rick Hilton, will dine in the gold and white Grand Ballroom amid thousands of flowers, the same room where Donald and Melania Trump hosted their wedding dinner three years ago.

So, just to recap – Ivana Trump’s wedding took place at Donald Trump’s estate, in front of Donald Trump, with Donald Trump’s sister acting as the vicar, with the reception held in the exact same room as Donald Trump’s last marriage. Nope, nothing creepy about that at all, then.

Ivana Trump’s new husband Rossano Rubicondi deserves some sort of prize for putting up with all this, don’t you think? After all, nothing can be quite as emasculating as getting married in a wedding that’s been heavily influenced by your wife’s billionaire ex-husband.

Not only that, but Rossano must be having his doubts about his own attractiveness as well. After all, Donald Trump is clearly Ivana Trump’s type, so Rossano must know that on some level he shares some characteristics with Donald Trump, and that’s a hard piece of fact to live with. Someone give the poor man a medal.

Read more:

Ivana Trump Marries for the Fourth Time - People