Look, I know you’re busy, so I’ll make this quick.
What with all the problems with the economy, the BP oil spill, those contagious monkeys hanging round your flat, that growth on the inside of your right nasal passage and all that stuff, you probably haven’t been keeping up with the latest news involving ‘kind of used to be famous, scarily orange girls who fall out of nightclubs for a living’, such as Tara Reid.
God knows you haven’t been following her straight-to-video film career, right? I mean, no one has. Most of the films she made in the last two years don’t even have Wikipedia pages. How is that possible? Even Hitler Bacon has an entry, and that sounds made up (and totally delicious).
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Celebrity Big Brother viewer, you have spoken. And it’s because of you that Heidi and Katia are no more.
Not literally no more, you understand – this is Celebrity Big Brother, not Jim’ll Fix It – but they’ve been evicted anyway. What’ll they do now that they’re free agents? Who knows – our guess is that Katia will try to sell lurid stories about Basshunter‘s penis and Heidi will continue to slowly and visibly melt like some kind of depressed snowman – but let’s forget about those idiots.
There are still all kinds of woeful dullards in the Celebrity Big Brother house, so let’s have a peek at them instead. Good idea? No? Well tough, we’re doing it anyway…
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Oh thank God for that. This time last week it looked as if Celebrity Big Brother had got its mojo back.
It hadn’t, of course. Now it’s clear that the closest thing to a celebrity in the Celebrity Big Brother this year is a woman who was on Coronation Street for a short amount of time a year ago, the audience has fallen away again, with people only tuning in out of a mixture of snow-induced tedium and profound self-loathing.
However, Celebrity Big Brother is still going – with Heidi Fleiss, Katia Ivanova and Lady Sovereign first up for eviction – so we’d better see how all the housemates are doing, right? Hooray for everything…
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You might think that Ivana Trump enjoys May to December romances, but Ivana would regard that as a hideous insult.
May To December? How offensive! Everyone knows that Ivana Trump only ever falls in love for the long term. And by that we mean April to December romances. April to December romances that must end exactly on the stroke of the first of December.
Which is to say that Ivana Trump has split up with her half-as-young-as-she-is husband after just seven months of marriage. You may react to this news however you like. We suggest shrugging.
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Most divorced couples hate the guts out of each other, but Donald and Ivana Trump don’t – Donald and Ivana Trump have got class.
We’re just kidding. Donald Trump and Ivana Trump aren’t classy at all – they’re essentially just incredibly wealthy chavs who don’t like anything unless it’s covered in repulsive amounts of gold – but they still like each other, and that was our original point.
How much do Donald Trump and Ivana Trump like each other? So much that when Ivana Trump got married for the fourth time this weekend, she got married on Donald Trump’s estate. In front of Donald Trump. In a ceremony conducted by Donald Trump’s sister. There’s a rumour that Ivana Trump will also only make love to her new husband if he’s wearing a Donald Trump facemask, but that’s probably untrue because – christ – imagine having sex with Donald Trump. Bleurgh.
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Look, I know you’re busy, so I’ll make this quick.
