Everyone knows why Ant & Dec are successful. It’s because ITV keep giving them money to appear on television. Their success is also built on a natural rapport and an overwhelming level of similarity that often leads old people to ask which one is which. No-one really knows.
There are very few double acts that are still going these days, aside from Ant & Dec, there is only really Paddy McGuinness and his delusion who are operating in tandem. Think about it- if you could have any two people to form a double act and be commissioned to make television programmes, who would you want?
If you said anything other than Mark Wright and Dougie Poynter then you clearly have no interest in the future of prime time television.
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Life is hard for many people for much of the time. But we all deal with it in different ways. Some people take solace in religion; placing their happiness in never seeing a ghost. They’d rather have a piece of toast and watch the evening news. Those people are idiots and mediocre ’90s pop stars.
Some people turn to alcohol or narcotics, like many a disgraced celebrity or role model. Would it surprise you to hear that a member of the hecklerspray bedsit likes to drink a bath of gin before singing the chorus from ‘I Know Him So Well’ from the musical Chess? Would it surprise you that it’s Matthew Laidlow?
Whereas some people get happy by watching television and seeing that no matter how hard life can be; unemployment is at record high, there’s cruise liners capsizing and you’ll never be good enough for your partner, but no matter how hard life can be, you’ll still be better than the people you’ll see on TV. Fat Pat carking it? You’re better than her. Not sure which of 12 potential men is the father of your child? You’re better than her. Women chef overcooked her souffles and is now having a massive breakdown? You’re better than her as well.
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It’s not every day that someone will dedicate literally minutes of their time watching upcoming things on TV to tell you whether what they’ve watched is good, not so good, or the equivalent of getting your toes stapled and then having aforementioned staples removed by the blind nuns that secretly made Kate Middleton’s wedding dress while they sloppily down pints of homemade lemonade.
No-one takes the time to sit down and tell us what’s actually good, and more appropriately what has the most emotional resonance and character development in it; instead it’s just flash in the pan reactions to developments in the soaps or whatever drama is getting the Daily Mail’s “We’re Not Racist But…” full brief pantaloons in a twist. Or even what coke snorting gnome, Frankie Cocozza is up to. TV is important business everybody! It teaches children how to read and speak, as well as to fear larger women who have chandelier earrings and make-up like Salvador Dali.
Actually, scratch that. There’s a reason no-one spends the time to dissect episodes of Outnumbered or whatever nauseating film Channel 4 stick on at daft o’clock. It’s a waste of time. So allow us, dear hecklerspray readers, to guide you through the perilous TV guide and point out what you should, or shouldn’t be watching this weekend.
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Pop scamp Olly Murs has insisted that there’s nothing going on between him and his Xtra Factor co-host Caroline Flack despite there OBVIOUSLY BEING SOMETHING GOING ON BETWEEN HIM AND HIS XTRA FACTOR CO-HOST CAROLINE FLACK.
The Ex-Factor (hur hur) runner up has flatly stated that his flirty relationship with Ms. Flack is just that. Flirty and there is absolutely nothing going on that in any way involved nights of screaming passion where young Olly needs to “hold onto his stupid-looking trilby hat”.
Absolutely nothing.
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The telephone is one of the world’s greatest inventions. Whether you’re trying to find out what’s for dinner or tap into the private conversations of your love-rat partner, a telephone is a hugely useful tool.
Let’s also consider the use of mobile telephones. You can check your Facebook status, make everyone aware of your location using your Foursquare account or tweet your mobile number to a make-up artist.
Let’s be quite clear though, tweeting your mobile number into a forum where it can be seen by anyone with eyes isn’t a mistake in itself and we’re not here to criticise anyone that does it. It’s so simple to accidentally transmit your mobile number or upload a picture of yourself in the skud without even knowing you’ve done it.
Still, that doesn’t mean gossip sites will be forgiving when it comes to the publication of it and we’ve got it over the jump.
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Apparently, ITV’s surprise smash hit The Only Way is Essex is coming back for a third series on Monday and, in a desperate attempt to remind us why we gave a crap in the first place, they’ve been carting the stars out in front of the press. The excitement is almost too much for us to take.
Oh, look at that. We pulled through.
Of course, one star in need of a pay-cheque from the tat-peddling celeb factory that is TOWIE is Jessica Wright. Speaking to some awful red-top tabloid, the quintessential Essex stereotype told the braying masses what they can expect of her and it appears there might be a few changes.
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On Sunday, we witnessed what came to be the last programme documenting the audition process of the underrated, revolutionary post-feminist Space Opera series “The X Factor 2011″.
Hear that over there? That’s Ewan Mcgregor singing Your Song in a melancholic manner with an umbrella. See that over in the other direction? That’s your inescapable loneliness.
But put all that heroin and selection of complimentary bath salts to the side for one moment! Those headaches are probably nothing to worry about after all. Let’s just kick back, and remember all the classic moments of the past few weeks instead. Remember when a woman told Tulisa how it was all HER opinion, and then on top of that, that other thing happened as well? Sometimes the path to creating amazing music is hard. Just ask Brian Wilson or David Sneddon. Or both! They’re probably sitting together on the same park bench somewhere, trying to feed Hula Hoop packets to pissed off swans.
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Do you have a sexy face? Y’know, one of those faces that make people giddy rather than nauseous? Chances are, if you’re a hecklerspray regular, you’re revolting. Alas, you may have that in-built belief that youare beautiful, no matter what they say and words won’t bring you down.
Rik Waller once quoted that line at Josie D’Arby when she asked him why he’d decided to get corn rows.
But we digress. See, the reason we’re talking about sexy faces is because Ann Summers, the lingerie peddler, retailer of sex toys and realiser of mucky dreams have teamed up with those rascals at ITV2. Ann Summers are going to search for the sexiest face in the UK with some roadshows around the UK including Birmingham, London, Manchester and Essex.
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