Paul McCartney is bringing a new album out. There’s a phrase that hasn’t caused too much excitement since Wings were knee-high to a grasshopper. Unless, of course, you’re a bloated Beatle fanatic who is unable to hear any criticism against any of the Fabs. Ever.

Unless it’s Ringo.

The fact remains, Macca is going to stick a new LP out on 7th February and he’s doing a whole bunch of cover versions because, sadly for him, he’s run out of ideas. The last vague hit he had was ‘Dance Tonight’ and that was thoroughly poo.

Apparently, this new album will be a “deeply personal journey” which will see Macca covering old-timey American songs that inspired him and bandmate John Lennon when they wrote their own tunes.

In a statement (because new albums definitely need ‘a statement’), Sir Paulio said:

“When I kind of got into songwriting, I realized how well structured these songs were, and I think I took a lot of my lessons from them”

“I always thought artists like Fred Astaire were very cool. Writers like Harold Arlen, Cole Porter, all of those guys – I just thought the songs were magical. And then, as I got to be a songwriter I thought it’s beautiful, the way they made those songs.”

Well duh.

McCartney will be teaming up with jazzist Diana Krall and producer Tommy LiPuma who got the recovering mop top to record his vocals in a booth without instruments for the first time in his musical career.

“It was very spontaneous, kind of organic, which then reminded me of the way we’d work with the Beatles. We’d bring a song in, kick it around, when we found a way to do it we’d say ‘Okay, let’s do a take now’ and by the time everyone kind of had an idea of what they were doing, we’d learnt the song. So that’s what we did, we did the take live in the studio.”

So how’s he been doing it since The Beatles? Being lazy and accepting that the first version is the one that gets used because everyone surrounding him is constantly telling him how bloody wonderful he is?

Not that Paul will be short of sycophants on this new album as he’s drafted in Stevie Wonder and Eric Clapton to tickle his ego. That said, Stevie and Clapton probably won’t be in the same room together, especially if Mr Wonder recalls Clapton once shouting from the stage of a show:

“Do we have any foreigners in the audience tonight? If so, please put up your hands. Wogs I mean, I’m looking at you… Where are you? I’m sorry but some fucking wog… Arab grabbed my wife’s bum, you know? Surely got to be said, yeah this is what all the fucking foreigners and wogs over here are like, just disgusting, that’s just the truth, yeah. So where are you? Well wherever you all are, I think you should all just leave. Not just leave the hall, leave our country.”

“Get the foreigners out. Get the wogs out. Get the coons out. Keep Britain white. I used to be into dope, now I’m into racism. It’s much heavier, man. Fucking wogs, man. Fucking Saudis taking over London. Bastard wogs… Enoch for Prime Minister! Throw the wogs out! Keep Britain white!”

Ebony and ivory, live together in perfect harmony. Side-by-side on my piano, keyboard…

The McCartney family have done alright for themselves haven’t they? Weird that those related to a Beatle should make it completely off their own bat, eh? No help from famous papa there at all! Nope. Never.

Anyway, the child that has done the best is Sir Paul McCartney’s daughter Stella. She likes making clothes that you can’t afford.

Now, she’s created a perfume in tribute to her mother, Linda, which is an absolute godsend for people who like to make snide jokes about the deceased.

So, what’s this perfume called then?

Well, it’s called L.I.L.Y. It will be launched at some point between this precise moment and the end of time. Yes, that’s quite vague, but in all honesty, if you cared enough about it, you’d piss-off and read a beauty blog with its tips about cigarette pants, the various fruit-shapes of women and which concealer makes you look less minging.

The name stands for Linda I Love You, which, if you didn’t know, was a nickname given to Linda by Sir Macca.

You’re probably wondering what the perfume smells of, aren’t you?

Well, if it’s a proper tribute to Linda McCartney, it should smell of sprout farts, keyboards, seal tears, mullets, out of tune backing vocals and soya sausages.

Right? Wrong! Apparently, it smells like lily of the valley as well as having hints of truffle and oak moss. And sprout farts.

Perfumer Jacques Cavallier says:

“The truffle was unusual, but I said OK to Stella. I actually told the suppliers we were working with that the extract was for a restaurant! I didn’t want to let people know what we were doing.”

HAHAHAHA! Jacques Cavallier is soooooo funny isn’t he?! WHAT A CAD! Perfumers really are the funniest, wittiest people on Earth aren’t they?

We’re giving up. There’s no point carrying on with talent like that elsewhere. We’re off to make a perfume that smells like Ringo Starr (drumstools and spaghetti hoops).

Sir Paul McCartney, of forgotten ’70s beat group Wings, has for some peculiar reason, had his phone hacked by ‘so-called journalists’ and he’s gone grassing everyone up to the police. Including us. We got a letter informing us we’d be under investigation.

Even though we only have one PAYG mobile phone (the one with Snake II on), we do use it to get into people’s voicemails. We’ve got a great story about the not very famous comedian David Schneider, but that’s for another time.

Anyway, Macca is not pleased that we’ve been in his messages, very much in the same way his former wife, Heather Mills, was hopping mad (fnarr) that she’d had her voicemails hacked into and, of course, John Lennon’s chest was very much breached by Mark Chapman with his best gun.

Sir Paul says:

“I am going to talk to the police because apparently I have been hacked. I don’t know much about it because they won’t tell anyone except the person themselves.”

“I do think it’s a horrendous violation of privacy. I do think it has been going on for a long time and I do think more people than we know knew about it.”

Of course, these incredibly famous people aren’t bothered about us. They only want to sue famous people. The Muccas are subsequently going after CNN suet head, Piers Morgan, who edited the Mirror from 1995 to 2004. He’s getting all this lovely stick, thereby allowing us to get off scot-free.

Naturally, Piers denies any involvement in phone hacking, despite the fact he once wrote:

‘At one stage I was played a tape of a message Paul had left for Heather on her mobile phone. It was heartbreaking.’

‘The couple had clearly had a tiff, Heather had fled to India, and Paul was pleading with her to come back.

‘He sounded lonely, miserable and desperate, and even sang ‘We Can Work It Out ‘ into the answerphone.’

Aaaw! Bless Sir Paul. Although, he really should’ve crooned one of his more erratic hits. Any of these would have been great.

Still, funny how everyone is taking phone hacking seriously, given that everyone thought Heather Mills was mental for saying such a thing all those years ago.

You fickle ogres.

Meanwhile, Ringo wonders why no-one ever wants to hack his phone and has been seen handing out his phone number to strangers and telling them his pin-code for his voicemail.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Although we’re legally obliged to say that Dave Grohl is the nicest man in rock, and that his band of Foo Fighting brothers make up the nicest band in rock ‘n’ roll, there’s a very strong chance we’d say it regardless.

That’s because they are irritatingly pleasant blokes.

Between them, they clearly enjoy being in a rock band (which is refreshing in itself) and throw people out of their shows for being idiots and make spoof confessionals slagging off the Scissors Sisters (in a very fun way, naturally)… and now they’re giving a film away for free. That’s what nice people do. Not like us. We’d charge you for this rubbish if we could. Anyway, you can watch this film over the jump.

So what is this film?

Well, back in April, the Foo Fighters ran a competition that gave their fans the chance to have them perform a show in their very own garage.

If that wasn’t nice enough, they filmed it as a documentary and are now giving it away for free, documenting their lovely Garage Tour.

As a result, we certainly don’t mind promoting their new LP – Wasting Light – which is out now.

Now on with the 40 minute film. Coo! Coo! Aren’t they just swell guys! Don’t worry. We’ll be berating people again very soon.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Paul McCartney is all set to headline the opening ceremony of London 2012 Olympic Games alongside other British music stars who probably aren’t nearly as good. Unless they get Girls Aloud on which would be amazing.

The Beatle has told organisers of London 2012 he is “up for” playing at the opener, but which songs he will play is yet to be seen. Or organised at all probably. And Ringo Starr won’t be there, which is simultaneously a shame and of little consequence.

But which songs should Macca consider? Sure, he’s got a massive back catalogue to play with, but there’s some cheeky tracks that are less famous that he should really think about including.

A source says:

“The hope was to have the cream of British music all in the line-up but it now looks like Paul will be joined on stage by some younger stars.

“But of all the people you want, McCartney is number one. He is the ultimate showman and guaranteed to get the Olympics off to a great start.”

He’s not the only McCartney taking part. His daughter, Stella, is designing the kit for the British Olympic team too! That’s nice isn’t it? Not really. We couldn’t care less. And isn’t Heather Mills practising her skiing for the Olympics or something?

Anyway, forget all that. Which songs should Macca play to surprise everyone?

Check My Machine

One of Macca’s weirdest little indulgent moments, but oddly fantastic (why hasn’t someone done a mash-up with this and Carly Simon’s ‘Why?’). Imagine if Sir Paul walked on-stage, performed this, flicked a peace-sign and just buggered off. It would be astonishing.

Give Ireland Back To The Irish

Paul could see such a gigantic worldwide audience as a platform for his own political views and this would be a hilarious thing to perform in the middle of London with Boris Johnson and David Cameron looking on. He should sport an IRA balaclava for maximum impact also.

Temporary Secretary

Just listen to this synth based gonzo pop track and just imagine the look on the face of Sebastian Coe as it thunders out of the speakers at the Olympic stadium. It could well be the most amazing moment in British history.

Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?

Coming in a under 2 minutes, Macca could get his paycheck and slope off for an afternoon off if he performed this. Anyone who complains should be met with “Well, I said I’d do a Beatles tune didn’t I?”

Something from his ‘Fireman’ alter ego

Sound collages and nonsense. Exactly what our Olympics need.

Coming Up

Sir Paul should actually clone himself so he can recreate the video for ‘Coming Up’, complete with his amazing impression of the keyboard player from Sparks.

We All Stand Together

Big sporting events are often soundtracked by a notion of ‘togetherness’ and ‘oneness’. Paul could say… “Okay. You wanted ‘All You Need Is Love’, but that was kinda John’s song… so why not have this instead? And you’ll like it as well. That’s because I’m a Beatle and can do as I please. And yes. I am dressed up as Rupert Bear. What of it?”

Silly Love Songs

The thing that London 2012 really needs is some cod-disco and you damn well know it.

Say Say Say

Of course, Michael Jackson is dead. So who could sit in on MJ’s vocals? Tulisa from N Dubz? Jedward? If he does this, he could go straight into ‘The Girl Is Mine’ as well, and that’d be worth it just for the “I DON’T BELIEVE IT!” bit.

No Songs At All.

He’s a Beatle ferchrissakes! He can do whatever he pleases! So he shouldn’t do any songs at all and just make some mashed potatoes to irritate everyone!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Once upon a time in the late 1980s a band called Nirvana was formed. Establishing themselves as part of the moody grunge scene in Seattle, they brought like minded depressives together to sing about the fishes not having any feelings, babies smelling like butter and deodorant.

But as fame, fortune and Courtney Love became too much for front man Kurt Cobain, he ended it all by blasting off his own face with a shotgun. Shame. Such a pretty face.

Dave Grohl was subsequently released from his background role as drummer and subsequently formed new band The Foo Fighters. Known in the industry as being a gentlemen of rock, always respectful, he lived up to his reputation following a recent gig at London’s Roundhouse as part of the iTunes festival.

Half the time when we get reports of awesome rock star behaviour, we have no proof to back it up. But a video has surfaced online that features Dave Grohl putting a stop midway through a song to put a halt on somebody getting a bit to frisky in the moshpit and starting a fight.

Not just the usual pushing and shoving with people being trampled on the ground, but with fists and everything!

Imagine you were there by watching below… but be warned, it has some fruity language, so stick the ‘phones in if your boss is mooching about, okay?

HUZZAH!

Go Dave Grohl! People follow his every command and everyone whoops and cheers whatever he does. Let’s make him prime minister or the new chief executive of News Corps or something!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

We despair about living in England. Out of every country in the world, we are the only nation that takes pride in former glories and absolutely nothing else. We’ve got nothing to look forward to. Nothing.

And when it comes to music, no band takes our regressive national pride to stalker-levels like The Beatles. It’s an actual fact that people in Liverpool aren’t christened in holy water. Instead, melted down Beatles records are used to make sure any young child gets a proper passage into the world we live in.

Even though the fab four haven’t made a record for decades (seriously! What’s George Harrison up to these days? Nothing. Lazy oaf!) it hasn’t stopped rock n’ roll granddad Paul McCartney from muscling in with his ideas on how an ageing band with no relevance on modern music can help creating an exciting opening Olympic ceremony. Where’s Mark Chapman when you need him?

When the Olympics do finally arrive, we can only assume that people in the North of England will be grumpy about the whole thing, even though the government want to promote this as a celebration of sport for the entire country, everything seems to be focussed on our nation’s capital.

London itself is pretty much dominated with ropey late night chicken places and people freaking out when a couple of snowflakes fall to the ground, grinding the transport system to a halt. Up in the grim north, nothing much is planned, mainly because people in the south are under the impression that electricity and colour haven’t reached cities such as Manchester, Newcastle and Leeds (although, in the case of the latter, it happens to be true).

Essentially when you dissect the Olympics, it’s just a massively expensive school sports day.

So what is Macca doing there? We don’t know what the Wingsman has planned, but if he really wants to involve all four members of The Beatles, it’ll prove challenging.

Only yesterday, we brought you news of a Japanese monster, forcefully destroying the peace and tranquillity of a pub in Dundee. So it’ll probably be a no-go in regards to propping up the corpse of John Lennon and strapping a guitar to him. Thinking about it further, local seagulls will probably peck his eyes out. Somebody said:

“Macca was just being coy about the details. He has been speaking to organisers and has said he’d love to be involved with the games in some way. The organisers want the music legend to appear alongside other big British acts. And they also want Ringo on stage as well to make it extra special.”

The involvement of Ringo sounds like a bit desperate to us. Sir Paul is probably trying to up his game because Glee are much, much better and more successful than anything The Beatles ever accomplished.

Maybe, just maybe, Macca will simply recreate this piece of Beatle-magic? Here’s hoping.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Don’t mess with a Beatle. Even the most irritating of Beatles will be favoured over other humans, simply because they’re responsible for those tunes you like. Unbelievably, Heather Mills swiped the crown of most loathed Beatlespouse from Yoko Ono, who seemed to have it in the bag for life.

See, while Yoko initially got heat because everyone was kinda racist toward her, she eventually settled into the world’s ire by simply being a pretentious artist (and no-one likes anyone from the artworld).

Then, along came Heather Mills and, thanks in part to having one leg which made for excruciatingly easy and tiresome jokes from the stand-up universe, became so hated that the National Grids managed to power our homes just on our collective irritation. Then she divorced daft, wacky ol’ Macca and the seething bubbled over into all-out hate. This ensured that any mishap that befell her would be met with titters.

So what’s happened now? Well, while she’s been training to participate in the 2014 Paralympic Winter Games, silly ol’ Heather has broken her shoulder in a skiing accident. As Sonny Bono’s Ghost will testify, people tend to laugh at skiing accidents. Even fatal ones.

That’s because only posh people go skiing, so if you have a dreadful accident, everyone can dismiss it as hilarious, even if you’ve already tragically lost your leg. We, the people, are a cruel and unforgiving bunch. Deal with it, slebs.

According to an Austrian newspaper called Kleine Zeitung, Heather was whisked off to Lienz Hospital by a helicopter, where the pilot probably whistled the guitar solo to Maybe I’m Amazed at her, just for giggles.

At the hospital, Mills roughed it like us plebs by having her bed cordoned off for privacy.

The result of all this will, naturally, be that Heather will appear on various chatshows talking about how people ‘don’t believe’ that people with disabilities can do things like sports, despite the fact everyone absolutely does believe that people with disabilities can do great things. Look at how everybody loves Tanni Grey-Thompson… look at how much she doesn’t constantly whine and bitch to everyone ALL THE SHITTING TIME.

Anyway, the incredibly wealthy Heather Mills will be rubbing her shoulder for a while and we probably won’t hear the end of it.

Inspirational.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Heather Mills is a nice lady isn’t she? She’s an inspiration to anyone who has lost a limb. She’s proven that you don’t need both legs to be chastised and widely loathed. Striking a blow for real, practical equality, her existence has shown that people can be just as nasty to those with a disability as those without.

Great work Heather.

She’s also responsible for bringing The Beatles up-to-date. It’s all her doing. Before Mills, The Fab Four were seen as irrelevant and without any worth at all, but thanks to her wheeling and dealing, they’re now a vital cultural cog in society. Isn’t she just swell?

That’s right!

The ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney is adamant that we should all be thanking her for The Beatles’ back catalogue becoming available online. It is thanks to her that we can buy music we already own and rip it to our computers from CDs we’ve had for years.

She “organised it all”. EVERYTHING!

This of course, flies in the face of the fact that executives at EMI/Parlophone have been in talks with McCartney and Ringo Starr to put The Beatles’ tracks on the digital store. Lets not forget that The Beatles have a company called Apple Corps who have been working and squabbling with Apple for some time now.

However, last month, the Fabs’ music was (finally) launched online, shifting two million songs and over 450,000 albums sold in the first week alone. That’s quite astonishing really.

And it is Heather Mills who is responsible for the whole deal.

“iTunes? I organised it all with Steve Jobs.”

You’re probably thinking that she’s being rather self-centred about the whole thing. Far from it. She’s all heart about the matter, magnanimously adding;

“there’s no way I’m going back to court for more money. It was all settled at the time and that’s it.”

She’s a fucking Saint of a woman, eh?

Next week: Heather Mills claims to have invented the wheel.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Sorry. You’re still probably stifling laughs at the notion of stopping illegally downloading stuff just because iTunes and Apple have brokered a deal with The Beatles. Really, is this big news to anyone at all?

Of course, Apple have been hamming it up for the past 24 hours, promising to blow our tiny little minds out, but they haven’t. Just about everyone with the slightest of interest in popular culture assumed that The Fab Four would end up having their back catalogue on iTunes soon enough.

This is clearly a move to try and top the Glee lot from being officially better than them. It’s painfully obvious.

So yep, if you want, you can go buy The Beatles’ back catalogue from the iTunes Store.

Albums are £10.99 each with single tracks available for 99p. If you prefer, you can buy the whole lot in a digital Beatles Box Set which is available for £125 on the store, with all 13 studio albums, both volumes of Past Masters and all included artwork, photos and notes.

Oh, and there’s a video of the band’s ’64 Washington Coliseum gig.

Righto, now go and get on with your lives. Nothing much to see here at the moment, apart from the opportunity to buy a load of music you probably already own.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

If you’ve been waiting to hear what hot new pop combo The Beatles sound like, then you’re in for a spot of bad news.

Paul McCartney from The Beatles has announced that none of his band’s music will be available on iTunes for the foreseeable future because everyone is arguing over money. But Paul McCartney says he wants The Beatles on iTunes, EMI wants The Beatles on iTunes, and iTunes wants The Beatles on iTunes, so all is not yet lost.

Until then, the music of The Beatles is still available on something we’re told is called a Seed Ee, and you can put these Beatles Seed Ees into your computer and download them onto iTunes that way. But this Seed Ee-buying method does involve leaving the house, and that’s so old-fashioned that they may as well be asking to go into the woods and kill Beatles songs with rocks for food. What do we look like, bloody Luddites?

As we speak, The Beatles are everywhere. You can buy CDs by The Beatles, movies by The Beatles, books about Beatles, posters of The Beatles, soon there’ll be a videogame about The Beatles and if Paul McCartney has his way you’ll also be able to buy 14 unlistenable minutes of The Beatles pissing about on drugs. The Beatles are everywhere.

OK, not everywhere. Type ‘The Beatles’ into iTunes and you’ll be presented with the following albums:

* A Tribute To The Beatles by The Silver Beatles

* The Bornagen Beatles Play The Beatles Greatest Hits

* Butchering The Beatles – A Headbashing Tribute

* Lullaby Renditions Of The Beatles by Rockabye Baby

* The Bingo Kids Sing Beatles Hits For Kids

That last one, by the way, is so close to being a work of demented genius that if we don’t finish this post it’ll be because the overwhelming power of it hypnotised us and drove us insane and we had to throw ourselves out of a window to rid our bodies of its evil. But we digress.

The thing you don’t get when you search for The Beatles on iTunes is The Beatles. But this isn’t something that anybody wants, which is why The Beatles had been working with EMI and Apple to fix this issue in recent months.

Notice the word ‘had’ there. According to Paul McCartney, the talks are mired up in all kinds of red tape and it’ll be ages before everyone realises that nobody cares either way because they all borrowed their dad’s Beatles CDs and downloaded them onto their iPod about four years ago. Reuters reports:

We’d like to do it,” McCartney was quoted as telling the BBC. “We are very for it, we’ve been pushing it. But there are a couple of sticking points, I understand. Last word I got back was it’s stalled at the moment,” McCartney added. “But I really hope it will happen because I think it should.”

Despite Paul McCartney’s caginess over the exact issues preventing The Beatles from being included on iTunes, we think we have an idea – iTunes wants a bigger slice of the sales, EMI wants a bigger slice of the sales and Paul McCartney is waiting for Ringo Starr to die so he can sell all the old Beatles albums under the new name Paul McCartney Presents: Paul McCartney And The Paul McCartney Four Sing The Hits Of Paul McCartney And A Couple Of Other Dead Blokes.

We’re only joking, of course. But The Beatles had better hurry up and get their act together – they longer they keep iTunes waiting, the more people will think that iTunes only included Ringo Starr’s solo albums in its catalogue because it actually likes his music. And that’s nothing short of a bloody insult.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!