Cows are pure evil. Think about it – Satan has hooves, cows have hooves. Satan has horns, cows have horns. That’s not a coincidence.

Well alright, it is a coincidence. Cows are still arseholes though. But don’t just take our word for it (actually, do. We’re not prepared to look into this enough to present you with reliable sources and empirical research or any of that – just take our word for it).

Perhaps they have good reason to be arseholes, especially to us humans. What other animal do we exploit as much as the cow? We literally milk them dry. Milk them dry, cut ‘em into burgers and wrap their skin around us.

To cattle, we’re nothing more than six billion udder-tampering John Wayne Gacys. We may as well all be permanently dressed up in macabre clown suits with cow skulls for hats, drenched in their blood, exposing ourselves at children’s parties.

The idea of killing a few of us? They’ve certainly got a motive…

Most bovine-related deaths come from stampedes, usually directed at dog-walkers. Former Home Secretary David Blunkett was charged by a cow in the Peak District last year, breaking his rib. The cow had probably heard about some of the MP’s policies on something-or-other!

We don’t know.

Hecklerspray can’t really do political satire. We’re too busy taking the piss of out of Justin Bieber’s hairless pubis and looking up Miley Cyrus’s skirt to watch Newsnight.

Granted, they’re not particularly effective killers: they’ve only got twenty two of us in the last five years in Britain and there are 7.5 million of them. But when a cow decides he’s got beef with you, you’re dead meat. In this dangerous stand-off, the steaks are high – they’ll make mince-meat out of you. A grave-digger will make the hole, a cow will fillet. You don’t stand a chance, you weigh twelve stone and a cow weighs a tonne and that’s offally heavy.

Rump.

Can you believe you just spend the last few minutes reading this? Veally takes the brisket, doesn’t it?

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Consider the following: Beverley Callard in a WonderBra, cute little Gary Coleman, Michael Jackson fans somehow being able to use computers. All proof that looks can be deceiving.

Further proof of this can be found in one of nature’s more bizarre creations, the Box Jellyfish. They are an abomination so absurd that you can only imagine Mother Nature made them with the bits left over from creating the rest of Earth. Those bits being a discarded lunchbox, half a Morrison’s carrier bag, some Sellotape and a bucketful of phlegm.

Put that lot together and you are left with something that looks less like A Deadly Predator Of The Sea and more like An Art Project By Six-Year-Old Boy With ADHD. But do you remember when we said that bit about ‘looks can be deceiving’? in the last paragraph? Good, because the Box Jellyfish is a bastard.

The sting from one of these daft-looking things will kill you in less than three minutes and they have been responsible for almost six thousand human fatalities since 1954. They are otherwise known as ‘Sea Wasps’, which is not really giving them the respect that they perhaps deserve. When was last time you saw a man stung by a wasp, flail around in agony, pointlessly trying to urinate on himself as he goes into anaphylactic shock, has a massive heart attack and dies, all in time it takes John and Edward to murder a song (which had probably already murdered another song)?

A box jellyfish has enough venom to kill up to three people and is indigenous only to Australia. All it would take is one of these little phlegmy, Sellotape-y little fellas to spare the world of Aussie Bore-Rock merchants Silverchair. Just one.

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Bees. They look look like furry little sweets, don’t they? Buzzing playfully around the flowers like mint humbugs with wings, making their lovely honey.

But, try to eat them and you’ll be dealing with more annoying little pricks in your mouth than a glamour model at a Manchester United Christmas party.

If you think that being attacked by a creature that will happily attack you knowing that it will immediately die afterwards is scary, then try immediately dying afterwards yourself and see how scary it is. If this does ever happen to you then please do email us here at the usual address, we’d love to hear about it.

But don’t take our word for it. Respected Beeman Dr. Hector Sprey of the Fictitious Zoological Society says, “For sure, yes. When threatened, killer bees will attack in groups, or ‘beards’ as they are known. If you intimidate a beard of bees, they will come down on you so hard and in such numbers, that you’ll think you’re a glamour model at a Manchester United Christmas party, yes!”

PS: Yes we know it should be They Will Kill You, but… y’know… Maybe you’re allergic to bee stings. Then just one will do it. You pedants.

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Some say that animals are living creatures and therefore must be treated with respect. We say DESTROY THEM! DESTROY THEM NOW! This is It Will Kill You.

The pilot whale, of the Globicephala genus, is primarily known for its distinct rounded head, long-based dorsel fin and the fact that – as the video below clearly demonstrates – it feasts on human flesh and often fantasises about annihilating mankind forever. To reiterate, pilot whales are arseholes.

Just look at what a pilot whale did to this poor diver, and remember – if you’ve ever listened to a whalesong CD, what you’re probably listening to is a load of these fishy wankers discussing how much they’d like to disembowel your grandmother. Fact. Video after the jump…

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Hey Cute Overload Dot Com! You’re selling a lie! Animals aren’t the magical little bundles of adorable fluff that you make them out to be – they’re bloodthirsty savages hell-bent on ending humanity by hoof and paw. This is It Will Kill You.

According to legend, the reindeer is Santa’s trusty helper, capable of travelling around the world at logic-defying speeds, somehow balancing themselves, plus the unthinkably huge sleigh they carry behind them, on top of houses no matter how pointy the roof and manage to use their own noses as a kind-of inbuilt hazard light. But this couldn’t be further from the truth.

The truth is that reindeers are vicious killers, murdering anything from lichens to the occasional bird egg to fuel their insatiable lust for blood. The reindeer is a twisted killer that will not rest until humankind has been wiped from the face of the earth and, make no mistake, it will kill you.

True, that’s not actually a reindeer in the video and it’s probably only punching that man in the face because the man’s trying to shoot it, but we won’t tell anyone if you won’t.

Believe the internet and you'll think that animals are adorable little fluffbaskets with big eyes that live in piles of laundry. They're not – animals are complete turds. This is It Will Kill You.

Think of tigers and what comes to mind? Tigger from Winnie the Pooh? Tony the Tiger from the Frosties adverts? Hobbes out of Calvin and Hobbes? Rubbish – give them a chance and tigers will kill you in a second. Bastards, the lot of them.

If a tiger decides to attack you, you don't stand a chance – zoning in on you at speeds of up to 40mph, the tiger will use its massive size and strength to take you down, tearing at your throat with its teeth and staying there until you've died of strangulation or – if you're small enough – it'll pierce your windpipe or break your spinal cord. Or maybe the tiger will just swipe at you with its paws, which are powerful enough to smash cattle skulls. 

However, the tiger will only usually attack humans when they've become too old and infirm to hunt regular prey. That's right, if a tiger kills you, you'll die knowing that it was a really crappy tiger.

The internet is mainly full of fluffy kittens and sneezing pandas, but screw that. This is It Will Kill You. Because all animals are tossers.

It’s obvious that a crocodile will kill you if you give it the chance. They’ve hardly changed since the days of the dinosaurs, and that’s because they’re so good at killing people. Hundreds of people a year are killed by crocodiles, mainly because they don’t have time to react when the animal strikes.

If a crocodile attacks you in the water, it will pull you under and drown you. If you climb a tree to escape a crocodile attack, it will slow its metabolism and stand guard under the tree for weeks without a break. If you work in a South East Asian zoo where your job involves putting you arm in a crocodile’s open mouth, well, then you are an idiot and you shouldn’t be surprised when the crocodile goes into a death roll to try and kill you. Because crocodiles will kill you.

Fed up with endless internet pictures of two puppydogs kissing on the lips? Good, here's It Will Kill You.

This week's It Will Kill You is the Anaconda. Growing up to about 30 feet in length, the Anaconda is a type of aquatic boa that inhabits swamps and rivers in South America. The Anaconda will kill you by constriction. Looping its body around its prey, the Anaconda will squeeze tighter and tighter until has crushed the air out of the prey, at which point it will unhinge its jaws and swallow the victim whole.

Anacondas usually eat pigs, deer, small crocodiles and fish. And your children. Oh, and yes – it will kill you. There's probably one that stares at you when you sleep, and one that lives in your toilet water waiting to pounce.