It Will Kill You - HecklerSpray

It Will Kill You: Cows

August 7th, 2012 By Steve Charnock

Cows are pure evil. Think about it – Satan has hooves, cows have hooves. Satan has horns, cows have horns. That’s not a coincidence.

Well alright, it is a coincidence. Cows are still arseholes though. But don’t just take our word for it (actually, do. We’re not prepared to look into this enough to present you with reliable sources and empirical research or any of that – just take our word for it).

Perhaps they have good reason to be arseholes, especially to us humans. What other animal do we exploit as much as the cow? We literally milk them dry. Milk them dry, cut ’em into burgers and wrap their skin around us.

It Will Kill You: Box Jellyfish

January 26th, 2010 By Steve Charnock

Consider the following: Beverley Callard in a WonderBra, cute little Gary Coleman, Michael Jackson fans somehow being able to use computers. All proof that looks can be deceiving.

Further proof of this can be found in one of nature?s more bizarre creations, the Box Jellyfish. They are?an abomination so absurd that you can only imagine Mother Nature?made them with the bits left over from creating the rest of Earth. Those bits being a discarded lunchbox, half a Morrison’s carrier bag, some Sellotape and a bucketful of phlegm.

Put that lot together and you are left with something that looks?less like?A?Deadly Predator Of The Sea and more like An?Art Project By Six-Year-Old Boy With ADHD. But do you remember when we said that bit about ‘looks can be deceiving’? in the last paragraph? Good, because the Box Jellyfish is a bastard.

It Will Kill You: Killer Bees

January 12th, 2010 By Steve Charnock

Bees. They?look look like furry little sweets, don’t they? Buzzing playfully around the flowers like mint humbugs with wings, making their lovely honey.

But, try to eat them and you’ll be dealing with more annoying little?pricks in your mouth than a glamour model at a Manchester United Christmas party.

If you think that being attacked by a creature?that will happily attack you knowing that it will immediately die afterwards is scary, then try?immediately dying afterwards yourself and see how scary it is. If this does ever happen to you then please do email us here at the usual address, we’d love to hear about it.

It Will Kill You: Pilot Whale

September 17th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Some say that animals are living creatures and therefore must be treated with respect. We say DESTROY THEM! DESTROY THEM NOW! This is It Will Kill You.

The pilot whale, of the Globicephala genus, is primarily known for its distinct rounded head, long-based dorsel fin and the fact that – as the video below clearly demonstrates – it feasts on human flesh and often fantasises about annihilating mankind forever. To reiterate, pilot whales are arseholes.

Just look at what a pilot whale did to this poor diver, and remember – if you’ve ever listened to a whalesong CD, what you’re probably listening to is a load of these fishy wankers discussing how much they’d like to disembowel your grandmother. Fact. Video after the jump…

It Will Kill You – Reindeer

December 5th, 2008 By Stuart Heritage

Hey Cute Overload Dot Com! You’re selling a lie! Animals aren’t the magical little bundles of adorable fluff that you make them out to be – they’re bloodthirsty savages hell-bent on ending humanity by hoof and paw. This is It Will Kill You.

According to legend, the reindeer is Santa’s trusty helper, capable of travelling around the world at logic-defying speeds, somehow balancing themselves, plus the unthinkably huge sleigh they carry behind them, on top of houses no matter how pointy the roof and manage to use their own noses as a kind-of inbuilt hazard light. But this couldn’t be further from the truth.

It Will Kill You: Tiger

July 2nd, 2008 By Stuart Heritage

Believe the internet and you'll think that animals are adorable little fluffbaskets with big eyes that live in piles of laundry. They're not – animals are complete turds. This is It Will Kill You.

Think of tigers and what comes to mind? Tigger from Winnie the Pooh? Tony the Tiger from the Frosties adverts? Hobbes out of Calvin and Hobbes? Rubbish – give them a chance and tigers will kill you in a second. Bastards, the lot of them.

It Will Kill You: Crocodile

May 19th, 2008 By Stuart Heritage

The internet is mainly full of fluffy kittens and sneezing pandas, but screw that. This is It Will Kill You. Because all animals are tossers.

It’s obvious that a crocodile will kill you if you give it the chance. They’ve hardly changed since the days of the dinosaurs, and that’s because they’re so good at killing people. Hundreds of people a year are killed by crocodiles, mainly because they don’t have time to react when the animal strikes.

It Will Kill You: Anaconda

April 7th, 2008 By Stuart Heritage

Fed up with endless internet pictures of two puppydogs kissing on the lips? Good, here's It Will Kill You.

This week's It Will Kill You is the Anaconda. Growing up to about 30 feet in length, the Anaconda is a type of aquatic boa that inhabits swamps and rivers in South America. The Anaconda will kill you by constriction. Looping its body around its prey, the Anaconda will squeeze tighter and tighter until has crushed the air out of the prey, at which point it will unhinge its jaws and swallow the victim whole.