So you played online poker for three hours and won a sum that a Polish minimum wage employee would snort derisively at.

The disappointment you feel could not compare to that of these fine gentlemen of film after learning what the wardrobe department had in store for them. We’ve all had to wear tights for one reason or another in our life, but even the butchest of men struggle to pull off these fashion faux pas.

So kick-starting the list is a man who drinks ugly and craps failure…

5: Mickey Rourke – Iron Man 2

Wearing some sort of contortion device normally found in David Carridine’s wardrobe, Mickey Rourke seems to be going bondage in next year’s Iron Man 2.

4: Sylvester Stallone – Rocky III

More a tragic reminder of a time when this sort of fitness fashion was acceptable than anything else! Still, Stallone manages to put some camp into the third Rocky film numerous times during the montage as he changes his vest, each time getting smaller and more colourful *shudder*.

Number 3: Sting – Dune

Some valid debate as to whether Sting qualifies as ‘manly’ in the first place. Either way this costume made Sting look like a ginger, bullied, repressed homosexual Gollum.

Number 2: George Clooney – Batman and Robin

We doth my cap to the costume designer on this film – she made Schwarzenegger look like a (Ice) berk but that doesn’t compare to Clooney’s horrific ordeal. Is it cold in the Batsuit? It must be with those razor-sharp nips flying out! Matching codpiece doesn’t help matters, thus turning comic’s most feared Dark Knight into a bigger camp icon than Robin.

Number 1: Sean Connery - Zardoz

It was an obvious choice but the Scotsman has formed a career on his dripping bravado with misogynistic glee. Then came this costume choice from the (thankfully) forgotten Zardoz. Rumours of Connery being incontinent at the time of filming prompting this choice remain unfounded…

Agree? Disagree? Think there is a man more deserved of the crown than these bunch of camp crusaders? Let us know below…

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Ciphering through the wasteland of recent movie related news, a few choice nuggets stick out between the tidal wave of trailers and clips that have submerged the internet recently.

Sherlock Holmes is now blowing shit up instead of smoke rings and all creativity seemingly being lost, Hollywood enlists Peter Berg to direct an adaptation of the board game Battleships (Wasn’t that Crimson Tide?). If someone doesn’t shout out “You sunk my battleship” then something has truly gone awry.

So at least this week has proved to be surprising! Here’s some more…

Headlines:

Terminator Salivating Footage Online:

Like the kid being ignored in the corner, T4 is flapping its arms for attention. Debuting online are eight new clips that help flex its own character complexities (see; Star Trek) dark plotting (see; Wolverine) and giant robot madness (see; Transformers 2). Warner Bros. are hoping to release enough footage pre-release so that any semblance of surprise is taken out of your cinematic experience.

Click here for clips

Buffing the Iron:

News trickles out of the bottom of the Iron Man suit this week as Jon Favreau (Director/Favs) has been regularly updating about the shoot on Twitter. Also official stills and set photos have gone online. God knows what will happen when a photo appears of leather-clad Scarlett Johansson emerges online.

Pictures Here

Filling up on Diesel:

The action star/franchise whore/washout Vin Diesel (delete where applicable), has now become somewhat of an innovator. Recently released action game Wheelman, which starred the more economically run action star, has been greenlit into a full motion picture! It was meant to be a film before it was a game, so now it’s a film adaptation of a game that was a tie-in for a film that was never made. Confused? Not Vin!

Prime Adaptation:

Why? Inexplicably the ITV drama Primeval has been picked up by Warner Bros. for adaptation into a big screen dino-adventure spectacular! Expect less S Club 7 alumni but much more nonsensical, cross-dimensional bollocks. Except it’ll look prettier. Much, much prettier.

Sly Remake:

The Stallone remake you never asked for is here! Cliffhanger – that 90’s nail-biter which featured a bloke from Eastenders – is the latest in line for the remake treatment. Although nothing is confirmed expect lots of cliffs and muscles.

Must See This Week:

Star Trek:

If you haven’t seen it yet – watch it! Making the uber-geekfest that was Star Trek into the hip new must-see summer blockbuster was like turning water into wine, but Lost supremo J.J.Abrams has managed to do just that. It’s got boom and crash and ahhhh and ooooo and all the rest….

Must Not See This Week:

Angels & Demons:

Pseudo intellectual guff with potato-Hanks running around the Vatican investigating a dead Pope. Did you also spot that bad guy in the first five minutes? Damn you Hanks and Ritchie Cunningham – you can do better!

Video Corner:

Demoted Trailer:

One to keep an eye on; a return to comedy from Sean Astin, who hasn’t hit these highs since California Man. Also featuring the ever reliable David Cross going some way to show that there are still plenty of laughs to be had in toilet jokes.

[story by David Scarborough]

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9 - More slow motion goodness, this time ridiculously beautiful – YouTube

8 - The new Star Trek movie would have been better if any of these aliens had been included – Cracked

7 - The Beatles Rock Band game is quickly becoming the best way for rich idiots to look authentically stupid – Gearlog

6 - Oh, the law. You’re funny – Trutv

5 - The world’s oldest dog is younger than Lindsay Lohan. Dogs are crap - MSNBC

4 - Why Barbarella died. Also, thank goodness Barbarella died – Movieline

3 - Iron Man 2! It exists – Paphotoshelter

2 - Old school computer death the way it should have been – Geekologie

1 - The best thing Guy Ritchie has ever had a hand in (insert Madonna joke here)…

Scarlett Johansson wants you to know that she don’t need no steenkin’ bosoms, or no steenkin’ bottom.

The actress, once famed for her Marilyn Monroe-like curves, has recently slimmed down and is a shadow of her former self.

Rather than take the well-trodden path of just wearing spectacles or living in her gym clothes, when she wants to make herself comparatively ugly and be taken seriously as an actress, Scarlett has stripped herself bare. Gone is the long, blond mane of cascading curls. Gone is the hourglass silhouette. And worst of all, the famed ScarJo chichis are now barely a C cup!

Salma Hayek can breathe a sigh of relief, and call off the hit-man hired to take care of her greatest competition for “Most Enviable Chichis 2009″. Her title for this year safe. Anywho, even if the Latina were to slim down, her goodies are so magnificent that nothing short of an act of God could make them any smaller.

Back to Scarlett’s boobs. The actress, 24, has disappointed all those who looked a gift horse in the mouth and took her at her word, when she proudly exclaimed that she would never diet.

She said, only back in February, to In Touch magazine, “I don’t need to be skinny to be sexy.”

In the same amount of time it takes Heidi Montag to work out how to heat a Pop Tart (two months), Scarlett has turned her back on her resolution to keep eating like a pig.

She could well have sat in a plum position; one envied by her peers. She could have remained just about the only starlet of her age-range who was allowed to eat more than a handful of grapes in one go.

Being too blind to this privilege and squandering the Hollywood luxury of consuming anything like the recommended daily allowance of fats etc., the Lost In Translation star went head-first into the skinny arms of a famous pal.

Known best for being about the width of a piece of broccoli, and about as interesting, Gwyneth Paltrow was the person to run to Scarlett’s rescue. And by “run”, of course, I mean limply drag her carb-starved bottom as fast as her atrophied legs could carry her.

In preparation for the filming of the new Iron Man 2 film, Scarlett has reportedly lost over 14lbs. Which is, for those who are mathematically challenged, about 7lbs from each knocker. A source told Star magazine:

“The pair have been doing daily workouts with Gwyneth’s personal trainer Tracy Anderson. Scarlett is also staying away from carbohydrates.” The 24-year-old actress decided to diet, reportedly fearing she could lose out on the roles she wants to younger, more attractive actresses A friend said: “Scarlett has always been happy with her curves, but recently she has been feeling pressure to lose a few pounds. She knows that she is up against tough competition from younger, prettier and increasingly skinner actresses.”

Hopefully Scarlett will come to her senses, once the Iron Man 2 filming ends.

It would be far better, in my humble opinion, to be famed for your timeless curves than for your talent. Any stupid old Oscar winner can claim to be talented. But not everyone can make Salma Hayek go green with envy.

This was a blog post by Amy Grindhouse, who will cut you if you don’t read her website immediately.

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You’ll be seeing more of it. A lot more. In fact, if you plan on seeing any Marvel movie over the next decade, chances are that at some point Samuel L Jackson is going to walk on as Nick Fury, waggle his good eye around and bugger off again.

Because Marvel has just signed Samuel L Jackson up for nine movies – including Iron Man 2, Thor, Thor 2, Captain America and the long-awaited Nick Fury Sings The Hits Of Genesis.

Depending on how much of a geek you are, Samuel L Jackson’s surprise post-credits cameo as Nick Fury in Iron Man probably sparked one of the following reactions:

1 - “Oh cool, this means that S.H.I.E.L.D is going to play an important role in the tapestry of all future Marvel films!”

2 - “That’s not Nick Fury. He doesn’t even look anything like David Hasselhoff.”

3 - “What’s going on? I don’t know why I even bothered sitting through the poxy credits. I need a wee and one of my legs has gone to sleep. Oh, I hate this life.”

We won’t tell you which one of these was our reaction (Clue: the third one), but Samuel L Jackson went down so well as Nick Fury in Iron Man that Marvel has signed him up to do more of them. Nine more of them, in fact. Reuters reports:

The actor, who just weeks ago was seemingly on the outs with the studio over reprising his role as Nick Fury, agent of spy outfit S.H.I.E.L.D., in the “Iron Man” sequel, has signed an unprecedented nine-picture deal to play the character in a series of Marvel movies. In addition to “Iron Man 2,” scheduled for release next year, the movies include “Thor,” “Captain America,” “The Avengers” and its sequels.

We don’t know whether to be happy or sad for Samuel L Jackson. Given Marvel’s taste for cannibalistic incest, there’s a chance that he’ll end up in more than nine films – getting to star in far-off gems such as Thor 2, Thor 3, Captain America 2, Captain America 3, Thor Vs Captain America, Thor And Captain America Vs Iron Man, Iron Man Vs The Avengers, The Avengers Vs The Bavengers and Thor Gives Iron Man A Sneaky Hand-Job While Iron Man Is Away At A Conference.

Plus there’s a chance that, if all goes well, Samuel L Jackson will end up being given his own S.H.I.E.L.D movie, and that’s bound to excite everyone interested in seeing the day-to-day administrative chores of a large organisation thrillingly played out on the big screen.

But, on the other hand, we don’t think Samuel L Jackson should get his feet too far under the table just yet. It might be an uninformed hunch, but we do have a ‘Samuel L Jackson To Be Replaced By Don Cheadle‘ post loitering around that we don’t think will stay unpublished for very long, if you know what we mean.

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9 - Apparently sleeping badly actually turns you mental. Gee, thanks professor – Newscientist

8 - A collection of Stax album covers that are roughly fourteen trillion times cooler than you are – Riverfronttimes

7 – Some facts about Iron Man 2. if you like that kind of thing – Askmen

6 - Hair weaves: the next must-have piece of bodyarmour – Yahoo

5 - A story about dolphins that’s sad if you like dolphins, but good if you think that dolphins are bastards – MSNBC

4 - Top 10 sin cities. One of them has just given women the vote. Progressive! – Askmen

3 – Finally! Something to allow women to piss standing up – NBC

2 – This ungodly picture of a pizza cheeseburger has made us so hungry it isn’t true - Image

1 – A porno flow chart that’s surprisingly accurate. Um, we heard – Holytaco

Turns out we couldn’t have been more wrong. Mickey Rourke is hot property again – and he’s proving it by also starring in Iron Man 2. According to reports, Iron Man director Jon Favreau is keen to have Rourke play the movie’s villain.

It’s bittersweet news, really – Mickey Rourke must be thrilled by the enthusiasm in which he’s been re-embraced by Hollywood, but it’ll be a bitter blow to The Puppet Corpse Of Orson Welles. He really had his eye on that part, you know.

Over the next couple of years or so, there’s a chance you’ll be seeing Mickey Rourke’s face more often than you’ll actually see your own. And, no, for once that won’t be because you’re hounded by a recurring dream that involves you being chased through a cave by a slurring monster whose face appears to be made entire out of flan – it’s because Mickey Rourke is going to be in just about every film made within the next few years.

Thanks to the critical acclaim heaped upon his performance in The Wrestler – aka The Story of Mickey Rourke, In A Wig – everyone wants a piece of Mickey Rourke these days. As we reported yesterday, Mickey has signed up to join the cast of Sylvester Stallone’s The Expendables, but that’s not all.

Just to prove that there’s more to him than movies about former box office giants who bottomed out and spent years in the wilderness before finally gaining reacceptance from their Hollywood peers, Mickey Rourke is apparently close to landing a starring role in Iron Man 2, a film starring Robert Downey Jr – a former box office giant who bottomed out and spent years in the wilderness before… oh tits, he’s done it again hasn’t it?

Anyway according to the Hollywood Reporter:

Marvel has been keeping a very tight lid on the script for the sequel, being written by Justin Theroux, but it is known that Rourke would play a tattooed Russian heavy named Ivan who becomes Whiplash, a man with deadly, technologically enhanced coils.

A Russian heavy with deadly, technologically enhanced coils? We’re not even sure we know what that means. However, we’re fairly certain that if Mickey Rourke takes this Iron Man 2 role, the character description should probably be changed to ‘a crying Russian heavy with deadly, technologically enhanced coils who’s found himself on the outs and is determined to make one last shot at glory in the field of having deadly, technologically enhanced coils. Possibly.

And that’s not all – as well as The Expendables and Iron Man 2, IMDb says that Mickey Rourke has also got upcoming roles in The Informers, Killshot, 13 and Sin City 2. And there’s a rumour he’ll be playing the lead in High School Musical 4. Plus he’ll be playing Samantha in the next Sex And The City movie. Plus if you film anything on your mobile phone between now and Christmas 2010, Mickey Rourke is legally obliged to hang around crying in the background of every shot in a creepy way to ensure that nothing is ever made that he doesn’t appear in.

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Even now, nobody has any idea about why Terrence Howard was sacked from Iron Man 2 – not even Terrence Howard himself. In fact, Howard claims that he’s still in the dark about it all. All he knows is that he’s angry enough to wail about it to anyone close to him who happens to be holding a microphone.

Still though, Terrence Howard will get the last laugh here. After all, Iron Man 2 might be one of the biggest movies in history, but can Don Cheadle look himself in the eye and say that he’s making a rubbishy Karate Kid knock-off about street fighting that starts Channing Tatum? No. No he cannot. So in that respect, Terrence Howard wins. He loses the bits about being rich and famous and powerful, but he wins the Karate Kid bit.

It seemed like such a brilliant idea, didn’t it, when Marvel decided that it’d hire big-name credible actors for the roles in their movies. Robert Downey Jr, perhaps the finest actor of his generation as Iron Man. Oscar-winner Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper Potts. Edward Norton as The Incredible Hulk. Terrence Howard as Jim Rhodes. What a brilliant way to make low-grade superhero schlock seem intelligent and highbrow, we all thought.

Marvel forgot one very important thing in all of this, though – the reason why nobody had thought to do it first is because everyone knew that when you hire an important actor for a movie you’re essentially hiring an enormous raging ego trapped inside the body of Veruca Salt from Charlie And The Chocolate Factory.

That’s why earlier this year we were treated to the sight of Edward Norton threatening to hold his breath until Marvel made The Incredible Hulk into a three-hour exploration of the frailty of the human condition – and it might be why Terrence Howard is no longer in Iron Man 2.

There were plenty of hints in Iron Man that Iron Man 2 would be Terrence Howard’s film – all the nods to War Machine certainly pointed that way – but last week it was revealed that Don Cheadle was replacing Terrence Howard as Jim Rhodes in the sequel.

At the time there were vague murmurings about Terrence Howard wanting too much money, but according to Howard himself, he hasn’t got a bloody clue about anything. And he’s mighty displeased about it, as he told NPR:

“It was the surprise of a lifetime. There was no explanation. I read something in the trades that implicated it was about money or something but apparently the contracts that we write and sign aren’t worth the paper that they’re printed on. And promises aren’t kept. Good faith negotiations aren’t always held up. You know, even friendships, people that you support…”

So who knows why Terrence Howard got the shove from Iron Man 2. Maybe it was money, or maybe it’s because Terrence Howard seems to be such a self-important nobsack that nobody could bear to spend another second working with him.

Either way, let’s just pray that Marvel doesn’t run into the same difficulties with Don Cheadle, because then it’d have to switch black actors a third time for Iron Man 3 and, as well as giving the slightly dubious impression that the moviegoing public can’t really tell the difference between one black actor and another, it’d only be a matter of time before the studio decides to cast Chris Tucker as Jim Rhodes, and that would just be hideous.

With all of this in mind, someone who should be watching his back is prospective Thor director Kenneth Branagh. He’d better not get any flighty ideas about the movie or he’ll be out and Marvel will jump on the phone to the bloke who directed Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

In fact, an Oscar-nominated actor like Terrence Howard probably only agreed to star in Iron Man in the first place because his role would grow exponentially in Iron Man 2, where he’d become War Machine. Except it won’t now, because Terrence Howard isn’t going to be in Iron Man 2.

Thanks to rumoured financial disagreements, Howard is out of Iron Man 2, and he’ll be replaced by Don Cheadle – the man whose godawful British accent ruined Ocean’s 11 and its sequels. There are bound to be some cosmetic changes to the script because of this casting change – for example, to suit Cheadle’s voice, War Machine will now only be referred to as Woooaaar Mableedingchine Innit Guv’nor Chin Chin Toodlepip Mary Poppins.

When Marvel makes a movie, it likes to hint at sequel possibilities to arouse the geeks. That’s why Nick Fury turned up at the end of Iron Man, Iron Man turned up in The Incredible Hulk, the crappy semi-outline of Captain America popped up in one millisecond of a deleted scene in The Incredible Hulk and the rest of The Incredible Hulk was so bad that people fantasised about a sequel because it could only ever be better than the film they were actually watching.

And another moment like this came in Iron Man when Terrence Howard took a loving look at the Iron Man suit, patted it and murmured “Next time.” The message was clear – rather than just being Robert Downey Jr’s dull, Driving Miss Daisy-style companion, in Iron Man 2, Terrence Howard was probably going to become War Machine. In fact, that’s probably the only reason why Terrence Howard agreed to play such a menial part in Iron Man to begin with.

But that dream is over, because Terrence Howard is out of Iron Man 2, and in his place is lovely old Don Cheadle, as Reuters reports:

In a surprise move, Don Cheadle will replace Terrence Howard as Robert Downey Jr’s best friend in “Iron Man 2,” the sequel to the superhero saga. Marvel had no comment, but sources close to the deal said negotiations with Howard fell through over financial differences, among other reasons.

Apparently, along with the casting change, Marvel wants to take the Howard/Cheadle character Jim Rhodes, in ‘another direction’.

We’re not completely sure what that means but, given Don Cheadle’s previous movie roles, we’re fairly certain that in Iron Man 2 War Machine is either going to end up as a victim of racism who works as a UN humanitarian volunteer in Darfur, or as a gor blimey chim-chiminey cockney urchin who lives up the apple and pears, stands up and weeps every time the national anthem plays and works as a rag and bone man with his cantankerous old father. Our fingers are crossed for the latter.

However, Terrance Howard’s sudden unexplained removal from Iron Man 2 should just go to show the other other actors that nobody is bigger than the movie and everyone is expendable. So everyone had better watch out, otherwise there’s a fairly solid chance that, in Iron Man 2, Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow will be replaced by Gary Coleman and Gary Coleman in a blonde wig and a miniskirt. Consider that a warning.

And now that the people of the world once again recognise Robert Downey Jr in the street – and now that he’s likely off the smack and charlie – people are more likely to listen to him. So it comes as a nice big pile of fun when the man gets all ranty, decides he disagrees with just about everyone in the world and that he hates The Dark Knight, because it makes him feel ‘dumb’.

For once we don’t have to add much to that – it’s simply what he said in an interview with Movie Hole.

Speaking about the plans for Iron Man 2, the Marvel-contracted actor decided that he shouldn’t just talk up some vague plot points, speculate on what may happen in the sequel and start the ball rolling on some early hype for the upcoming blockbuster.

No – he would also stick the knife in in a pretty spectacular fashion, especially when you consider this is mainstream Hollywood cinema, people are likely to see what he’s said and it will get widely reported.

Just for that, we have to give Robert Downey Jr a special hecklerspray ‘Well Done You Have Some Balls’ award that we’ve just invented.

Congratulations, Bobby – how does it feel to be the first ever recipient?

Granted, he may not have threatened his mum, died or had a serious car accident, but directly slagging off a competitor’s film is good enough for us. Talking to Movie Hole, Downey Jr let loose this barrage:

“My whole thing is that that I saw ‘The Dark Knight’. I feel like I’m dumb because I feel like I don’t get how many things that are so smart…and I’m like, ‘That’s not my idea of what I want to see in a movie.’ I…still can’t tell you what happened in the movie, what happened to the character and in the end they need him to be a bad guy. I’m like, ‘I get it. This is so high brow and so f–king smart, I clearly need a college education to understand this movie.’ You know what? F–k DC comics. That’s all I have to say and that’s where I’m really coming from.”

Clearly not a man worried about burning any bridges… oh, wait, he went on about that too, the little git:

“You know, you’re never too old to burn your bridges because I believe I have offended everyone. I think I’ve got a couple more. ‘I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it’ is my favourite phrase I’ve ever coined.”

Well, we’re not going to argue with that.

Maybe years of drug abuse, carrying weapons around and getting arrested every three-point-four minutes is the recipe to make the perfect movie star – one who can actually act pretty well and one who has both an actual set of balls and a lack of inner monologue, leaving them free to say what they actually mean.

Set the plan in motion, Hollywood berks – prescription smack and a shotgun for Lindsay Lohan, followed by four arrests in a week. Maybe that’ll make her fun again.

Read The Rest Of It Here:

Movie Hole

With an opening weekend box office tally of $100 million, the list of records that Iron Man has broken is either stupendous or utterly, utterly dull depending on if you’re a massive spod or not. And if you are, then the news that Iron Man 2 is coming out in April 2010 will probably make your balls catch on fire.

What? You’d already guessed that based on the fact that the plot of Iron Man deliberately set up a sequel and that the entire Iron Man cast has signed on for a sequel and that Iron Man’s a comic book movie and only really hopeless comic book movies about Ben Affleck being all blind and shit don’t get turned into sequels? Oh, suit yourselves.

So let’s look at the figures – Iron Man has had the most successful movie opening of the year and the second biggest non-sequel movie opening of all time. Worldwide, Iron Man has made almost $200 million in five days. Compare that to the $4 million that was the worldwide lifetime takings of Robert Downey Jr’s last film Charlie Bartlett and you can see just how huge it is.

And that means one thing – Iron Man 2 is a complete inevitability. People would go and see Iron Man 2 if it got terrible reviews. People would go and see Iron Man 2 if it was about a farty pig. People would go and see Iron Man 2 if it starred Jim Carrey. People would go and see Iron Man 2 if it looked like this.

Which is why someone at Marvel has managed to find the time in their newly-loaded schedule of shoving fistfuls of caviar up their bottom, punching homeless men in exchange for $50 and ordering the poshest Thai bride in the catalogue to confirm Iron Man 2, even giving it a date. The Associated Press reports:

This weekend was just the beginning of Hollywood’s Iron age. Marvel Studios announced Monday it will release “Iron Man 2″ on April 30, 2010, following the success of the first in the comic-book franchise, which pulled in $104.2 million domestically since opening last Thursday and $201 million worldwide. Four other films based on Marvel superheroes also were announced: “Thor,” due out June 4, 2010; “The First Avenger: Captain America,” May 6, 2011; “The Avengers,” July 2011; and “Ant-Man.”

April 30? What are you thinking, Marvel? Don’t you know that’s Akon’s birthday? As if people are really going to go and see the sequel to one of the most popular movies ever on the night that they traditionally stand around crying in their darkened bedsits humming Smack That and wishing they were married to Akon regardless of their gender. Why didn’t you think it through, Marvel?

Anyway, look at all of those other movies that Marvel has planned. Exciting, huh – especially The Avengers. Who’d be able to resist the charms of a film that not only stars Iron Man, but the bound-to-be-disappointing Incredible Hulk, an off-puttingly patriotic Smurf and a long-haired tit with a hammer? Yay!

But for now let’s just focus on the gigantic success that is Iron Man and look forward to Iron Man 2. Because it’s only after one vastly successful sequel that the fans will get what they want – a confusing, overlong third movie that features various needless scenes of Robert Downey Jr cooking omelettes, dancing the twist and getting infected by an alien that gives him weird emo haircuts.

Read more:

Marvel mines more precious metal with `Iron Man 2′ – AP