Imagine just for a second that you’re Adele. You wake up to the contractual Lazy Susan of creamed pastries and important news.

As you separate your breasts from clapping together when you roll over to the eclair sideboard, you hear that someone on the X Factor is totally stealing your shtick and that song that you’ve rammed down so many throats that the Nation doesn’t have a gag reflex anymore? Well the video is out. You’d probably have a celebratory glass of whole cream as you sit down to watch it.

Aaaaaaaaaaand, end scene. Well done everyone. Take five and grab something from the green room.

If you haven’t guessed already, the video for ‘Someone Like You’ has finally been released. The video that nobody wanted filming can finally be viewed. And in our honest hecklerspraying opinion, it’s a bit of a flimsy attempt to capitalise on the, somewhat, waning mega-success that she has already had with it.

Maybe it’s because she has to pay almost half of the profits to HMRC so she wants to squeeze every last drop out of it before finally giving up the goat. Or perhaps she just wanted to go for a wander around Paris and have someone film it. Which is very arrogant isn’t it? Bad Adele, no eclairs for you.

Obviously we all know that it’s so she can release a deluxe version of ’21’ with added features like the videos and shit on there in a few months time.

To be honest though, because there’s an almost Instagram-esque haze throughout the whole video, it’s difficult to definitely say that it’s Paris that she’s about to rob of all it’s baked products. It could easily be set in Blackpool or anywhere else that has a tower in it.

Why someone in Adele’s management decided to release an official video for this song, when the performance at the Brits did the song more justice than anything anyone can create, is baffling. You can watch it here, but trust us, you’ll have a confused feeling in your stomach afterward. Like having sex with David Hasslehoff. It’s unnecessary and will make you feel a little unwell after.

At least she’s wearing a nice coat. So she’s clearly thinking of the weather.

This article was written, blindfolded, by the debauched nincompoop Robin Darke who you can find out more on via this stream of twaddle.

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Adele seems to split people into two camps. The first is the Oooh! She’s like a proper singer! She’s not like those thin, manufactured ones! She’s a proper soul singer! She’s a real person! The other is the She Makes Really Boring Records And I Just Don’t Get The Fuss camp.

Of course, there’s a third group which sneer I Don’t Have Anything To Do With Popular Culture Because I Do My Own Thing And Feel Vastly Superior And Simultaneously Ostracised By It, but the less said about those bores the better.

However, there’s a fourth camp now. They’re called the Gah! We’re So Bored Of Hearing The Same Song That We’ve Actually Banned It. Let us explain.

When you have a hit single, it is constantly in danger of overplay. This means that people end up hating pieces of music regardless of whether they initially liked it or not.

And so, in a music shop in Dublin – called Opus II if you care in the slightest – they’ve banned Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’.

Basically, they felt the need to impose a ban after the workers got beyond tired of hearing the song. It appears that every time someone sits at a piano when they’re shopping, they start playing Adele’s ballad.

Now there’s a sign up saying: “Strictly NO Adele”.

A shop assistant says:

“It’s become the piano equivalent of ‘Stairway To Heaven’, everyone thinks they can play it. The sign was a bit of a joke, but the song can drive you mad.”

The store has also banned Beethoven’s ‘Für Elise’ and absolutely any Michael Nyman music from being played.

Good work.

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The best thing about being super-rich is that, rather than let governments decide how to spend your tax, you can just keep hold of it, then donate some to a groovy cause, whilst getting baskets of praise and verbal fellatio for making a really exciting thing happen.

Imagine a world where we could all do that! We would look dead nice from giving money to AIDS kids, earthquake orphans and publicity-hungry slag animals. Like polar bears. The furry whores.

We wouldn’t have to worry about our money helping to provide rehabilitation for murderers and young offenders.

A single mum needs a house to live in because she keeps shitting out the next generation of ASBO collectors? Let me just ring my publicist and see if we can help. He says it’s definitely on if the babies are Chinese, otherwise he can arrange for her to sell her story to The Sun.

She can earn a few bob if she doesn’t mind being vilified in a full-page special about how much she’s costing the taxpayer. Except she’s not! Because we’re not paying tax anymore! We’re philanthropists and society’s been privatised! So, everyone’s a winner!

Paying tax is a moral duty and no-one ever thanks you for doing your duty, they thank you for presents! That’s why absent dads who turn up drunk every two years clutching an Optimus Prime and a mountain bike are the best kinds of father to have!

In entirely unrelated news, we’d just like to say thanks a bunch to U2 for giving 5 million Euros to expand a pilot scheme across Ireland so that thousands of youngsters can learn to play a musical instrument. The scheme will give an estimated 10,000 youngsters the opportunity to play music for a living or even just to open their eyes to the beauty of creating.

This is all due to their generosity and a further 2 million Euros from something called the Ireland Funds. Don’t worry about them though, they didn’t even go through a cowboy-hat phase in the late-eighties so they have nothing to teach us.

And don’t be churlish about this news – they don’t have to give you or your children anything, and the only reason they have to publicise it is to shut all those cynics up anyway. So hecklerspray says good on yer, U2!

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Axl Rose is a bloated prick isn’t he? Seriously. He’s an astonishingly shit human. He preens about this Earth like his balls are clad in gold, when really, he’s just a chubby shrieker with a chemically peeled pink head. These days, he’s less the frontman for a rock group and more like a piñata filled with faeces.

And hilariously, the Irish didn’t mind letting him know. Of course, he’s well known for making the people he’s supposed to love (the fans) wait and wait without regard for them in the slightest, by entering the live arena as late as he possibly can.

As such, the Irish took the piñata feeling and tried to knock his insides out with bottles.

The latest incarnation of the Guns N Roses took to the stage at the O2 in Dublin typically late and hurled as much  at the stage as they could muster.

To play to stereotype, you can only imagine how angry an Irishman has to be if he’s willing to throw away perfectly good booze.

Anyway, Axl asked an already furious crowd to stop chucking things at him, or they’d ‘go home’. They managed a couple of songs before Axl just bid everyone a good evening and buggered off, stage right.

At no point did Axl Rose consider that he may have been the reason why the crowd turned so ugly. We at hecklerspray can only applaud the Irish crowd for the levels of hostility shown toward this jumped-up shithouse.

You have to wonder why he continually comes out late. Is he having a little nap, curled up like a sick kitten under a desk? Is he furiously tugging his genitals trying to get them to work so he can pleasure himself because posturing on stage?

It’s probably fair to say that he’s quite simply, an arrogant chump.

Here’s a video of the Irish crowd turning on Axl & Co. You will invariably feel sorry for the poor buggers at the venue who tried to appease the crowd AND coax Axl Rose out from his dressing room.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Historically speaking, if a leprechaun’s not carrying a bowl of delicious cereal under a rainbow with several children chasing him, we really don’t care if he exists or not. They’re not as cool as monsters, not as spooky as ghosts, and they do far less anal probing than aliens.

Plus – nobody really believes in them anyway – right?

But there have been sightings – lots of sightings. And possibly – just possibly – one got caught on tape.

It wasn’t carrying any of the aforementioned delicious cereal though, so we remain quite dubious.

First and foremost – leprechauns aren’t only sighted in Ireland. As we understand it they get at least three weeks of annual leave, and they like to spend that vacation time seeing the world. A few years back one was all over Mobile, Alabama. A local news channel captured the pandemonium:

Irelandseye.com has a webcam secreted away in a mystical part of the Irish countryside. The purpose of the cam is to find leprechauns – and some people consider it a success – like this comment-leaver:

“I’m a fairy believer myself. I’ve always been since a child. And because of my belief and gifts to the fairies I’ve seen them. Here I’ve seen 3 very vivid Leprechauns and a few more but not as vivid.”

Or this one:

“he is sitting at the base of the tree with a red coat and hat on..with something like a rod in his right hand and something white in his left.”

The webcam updates every 30 seconds or so – and it caught an actual stream of a possible leprechaun running through the bushes on the right within the first 10-15 seconds or so. It’s not wearing a green hat, it’s boringly bald and it kinda looks like an all gray bowling ball hovering with delight. Check it out:

It’s bookin’ pretty fast, isn’t it? Again – without the green bowler and no bowls of cereal, we’re extremely skeptical about that thing being anything supernatural, but we sure don’t know what it is. If you’d like to investigate the scene yourself – hop on over to Irelandseye.

Who knows – you may get credit for concretely discovering a green-clad high sock-wearing sort of all around gay tiny new species.

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We’re really thrumming up to the day that the Eurovision Song Contest gets interesting now, so hold onto your hats.

And the Eurovision news is really coming in thick and fast, if the contest’s official website is anything to go by. Why, just yesterday we learnt that the Maltese entry has a side-job as a secretary. This sort of hard-hitting breaking news is enough to leave us giddy, we don’t mind telling you.

So here’s the Eurovision 2009 profiles for Sinéad Mulvey and Black Daisy from Ireland and Noa and Mira Awad from Israel…

Ireland · Sinéad Mulvey and Black Daisy, Et Cetera

Which Ireland will we be seeing at Eurovision this year? The annoyingly twee Ireland or the horrific bellowing turkey puppet Ireland? Well here’s the exciting news – this year there’s Sinéad Mulvey and Black Daisy, who are easily the most contemporary-sounding Irish Eurovision act in decades. True, that means they look and sound like they’re from an earnest 1985 documentary about kids with learning disabilities who’ve formed a band, but it still counts as progress for Ireland. What’s their song Et Cetera like? Rubbish. Next.

Israel · Noa and Mira Awad, There Must Be Another Way

For Israel – possibly the least European country on the face of the Earth – Eurovision has always presented two opportunities. Like the rest of the continent, there’s the opportunity to force-feed the world three minutes of worthless discopop, but there’s also a chance to spread a message. That message is invariably based on the theme ‘Look, we know everything’s pretty buggered up over here, but we promise that we’re not all bastards’. And that couldn’t be made more clear than There Must Be Another Way by Noa and Mira Awad. One’s a Jew and one’s a Muslim, you see, and they’ve put aside their religious differences to sing in perfect harmony. To sing a really bad song in perfect harmony. A really bad song that you wouldn’t be able to hum if someone held a gun to your head. Ich.

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Get ready for another big fat slice of delicious Eurovision betting odds, please.

Have you ever harboured a desire to compete in the Eurovision Song Contest, but can’t because you’re a spangle-addicted toddler? Well fret no more – the Junior Eurovision Song Contest is here! Well not here exactly, but in Cyprus in November. If you’re a taste-deficient child or a slightly creepy adult, now’s your chance to shine. Make us proud kids.

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Ireland, with help from Paddy Power…

Ireland (pop. 4,109,086, the third largest island in Europe, and the twentieth-largest island in the world) Dustin The Turkey, Irelande Douze Pointe

Oh Ireland, what have you done? Time was when you could just roll up to Eurovision, croon out a lazy country tune, sling in a cheesy pennywhistle interlude and you’d have it in the bag. But not any longer. Now you have to hire a children’s TV presenter to shout vaguely offensive lyrics and waggle his arm around inside a latex turkey to even stand a chance. However, as obviously dreadful as Dustin The Turkey is, his tune Irelande Douze Pointe is… well, maybe not clever, but it’s certainly memorable. Plus it names all the countries in the currently dominant eastern bloc, and who doesn’t love the sight of a grotesque turkey puppet begging for votes, huh? And, who knows, it might actually work – as things stand, Dustin The Turkey is the favourite to win Eurovision this year. We’re all doomed. Current Eurovision betting odds – 4/1

Tomorrow – Israel! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Eurovision betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

When someone offers you something for free, there’s usually a catch.

But not always. Just last week a Chinese businessman said we could inherit $10,000,000 if we gave him some bank details. We did and now we’re just waiting to see the cheque arrive in the post. And some people thought we were stupid. 

Now a new offer has caught our eye, which couldn’t be better for the thousands of single and horny blokes out there. If you’ve missed out on tickets to this year's festivals like T In The Park, V and Glastonbury, you can still get a chance to go. All you have to do is wank! Yes simply place your man sap in a jar, send it off and you could be experiencing the joys of festivals around Europe. Sorry ladies, it’s a no go for you. But why not try and water some mayonnaise down and pass it off as your own reproductive bodily fluid anyway? 

Honestly, this doesn’t appear to be an offer from some sort of mad fetishist who wants samples of sperm delivered to his home so he can bath in it or something. It’s quite the opposite of that actually. Whilst Ireland is full of leprechauns, Guinness, pikeys and rubbish preaching rock stars, it is short on one thing. Sperm. And this essential ingredient that is needed for everyone to reproduce is in short supply.

Everyone loves the Irish. Without them we wouldn’t have a pointless excuse to neck countless pints of Guinness for a novelty hat. Would we really want to see them disappear off the face of the planet? As the NME reports: 

“Sperm donors are to be offered free tickets to any music festival in Europe under a new initiative. Irish stocks are apparently dwindling, with demand far higher than is sustainable, and donations down by 40% over the last four years.” 

In hecklerspray’s opinion, all that’s needed is a quick rally round from his holiness the Pope. Who needs sperm reserves to create babies when he can scare the shit out of perfectly fertile Irish people in order to mate? All he needs to do is tell the people of Ireland is that they’ll all burn in hell if they continue to whip on a condom before doing the sex.

Rallying the men of Europe to donate their love milk could have quite comical effect. Irish females can now literally go shopping for their baby’s perfect look. They may already have a half-Irish, half-Spanish child but it wouldn’t be complete without the introduction of an Irish-Russian brother or sister. It has all the makings of a bad sitcom. Think of it as the Brady Bunch for a modern generation. 

Yes, enjoy the free festival tickets now! But one day it may be a bit awkward when there’s a knock on the door and your offspring is there. How are you going to break it too little Danny or Sarah that the only reason there alive is because you wanted to see The Verve headline Glastonbury? Chances are they’ll hate you for wanting to see The Verve more than anything else. Oh, and then of course there could be the small problem of child maintenance payments. Start saving now. Your fun of throwing bottles of piss at shit bands could be short-lived when you have to fork out money to help the child you didn’t really want battle everything from bullying to alcoholism. 

Read more: 

Sperm donors offered free festival tickets – NME