We’re really thrumming up to the day that the Eurovision Song Contest gets interesting now, so hold onto your hats.

And the Eurovision news is really coming in thick and fast, if the contest’s official website is anything to go by. Why, just yesterday we learnt that the Maltese entry has a side-job as a secretary. This sort of hard-hitting breaking news is enough to leave us giddy, we don’t mind telling you.

So here’s the Eurovision 2009 profiles for Sinéad Mulvey and Black Daisy from Ireland and Noa and Mira Awad from Israel…

Ireland · Sinéad Mulvey and Black Daisy, Et Cetera

Which Ireland will we be seeing at Eurovision this year? The annoyingly twee Ireland or the horrific bellowing turkey puppet Ireland? Well here’s the exciting news – this year there’s Sinéad Mulvey and Black Daisy, who are easily the most contemporary-sounding Irish Eurovision act in decades. True, that means they look and sound like they’re from an earnest 1985 documentary about kids with learning disabilities who’ve formed a band, but it still counts as progress for Ireland. What’s their song Et Cetera like? Rubbish. Next.

Israel · Noa and Mira Awad, There Must Be Another Way

For Israel – possibly the least European country on the face of the Earth – Eurovision has always presented two opportunities. Like the rest of the continent, there’s the opportunity to force-feed the world three minutes of worthless discopop, but there’s also a chance to spread a message. That message is invariably based on the theme ‘Look, we know everything’s pretty buggered up over here, but we promise that we’re not all bastards’. And that couldn’t be made more clear than There Must Be Another Way by Noa and Mira Awad. One’s a Jew and one’s a Muslim, you see, and they’ve put aside their religious differences to sing in perfect harmony. To sing a really bad song in perfect harmony. A really bad song that you wouldn’t be able to hum if someone held a gun to your head. Ich.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Have you ever harboured a desire to compete in the Eurovision Song Contest, but can’t because you’re a spangle-addicted toddler? Well fret no more – the Junior Eurovision Song Contest is here! Well not here exactly, but in Cyprus in November. If you’re a taste-deficient child or a slightly creepy adult, now’s your chance to shine. Make us proud kids.

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Ireland, with help from Paddy Power…

Ireland (pop. 4,109,086, the third largest island in Europe, and the twentieth-largest island in the world) Dustin The Turkey, Irelande Douze Pointe

Oh Ireland, what have you done? Time was when you could just roll up to Eurovision, croon out a lazy country tune, sling in a cheesy pennywhistle interlude and you’d have it in the bag. But not any longer. Now you have to hire a children’s TV presenter to shout vaguely offensive lyrics and waggle his arm around inside a latex turkey to even stand a chance. However, as obviously dreadful as Dustin The Turkey is, his tune Irelande Douze Pointe is… well, maybe not clever, but it’s certainly memorable. Plus it names all the countries in the currently dominant eastern bloc, and who doesn’t love the sight of a grotesque turkey puppet begging for votes, huh? And, who knows, it might actually work – as things stand, Dustin The Turkey is the favourite to win Eurovision this year. We’re all doomed. Current Eurovision betting odds – 4/1

Tomorrow – Israel! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Eurovision betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

But not always. Just last week a Chinese businessman said we could inherit $10,000,000 if we gave him some bank details. We did and now we’re just waiting to see the cheque arrive in the post. And some people thought we were stupid. 

Now a new offer has caught our eye, which couldn’t be better for the thousands of single and horny blokes out there. If you’ve missed out on tickets to this year's festivals like T In The Park, V and Glastonbury, you can still get a chance to go. All you have to do is wank! Yes simply place your man sap in a jar, send it off and you could be experiencing the joys of festivals around Europe. Sorry ladies, it’s a no go for you. But why not try and water some mayonnaise down and pass it off as your own reproductive bodily fluid anyway? 

Honestly, this doesn’t appear to be an offer from some sort of mad fetishist who wants samples of sperm delivered to his home so he can bath in it or something. It’s quite the opposite of that actually. Whilst Ireland is full of leprechauns, Guinness, pikeys and rubbish preaching rock stars, it is short on one thing. Sperm. And this essential ingredient that is needed for everyone to reproduce is in short supply.

Everyone loves the Irish. Without them we wouldn’t have a pointless excuse to neck countless pints of Guinness for a novelty hat. Would we really want to see them disappear off the face of the planet? As the NME reports: 

“Sperm donors are to be offered free tickets to any music festival in Europe under a new initiative. Irish stocks are apparently dwindling, with demand far higher than is sustainable, and donations down by 40% over the last four years.” 

In hecklerspray’s opinion, all that’s needed is a quick rally round from his holiness the Pope. Who needs sperm reserves to create babies when he can scare the shit out of perfectly fertile Irish people in order to mate? All he needs to do is tell the people of Ireland is that they’ll all burn in hell if they continue to whip on a condom before doing the sex.

Rallying the men of Europe to donate their love milk could have quite comical effect. Irish females can now literally go shopping for their baby’s perfect look. They may already have a half-Irish, half-Spanish child but it wouldn’t be complete without the introduction of an Irish-Russian brother or sister. It has all the makings of a bad sitcom. Think of it as the Brady Bunch for a modern generation. 

Yes, enjoy the free festival tickets now! But one day it may be a bit awkward when there’s a knock on the door and your offspring is there. How are you going to break it too little Danny or Sarah that the only reason there alive is because you wanted to see The Verve headline Glastonbury? Chances are they’ll hate you for wanting to see The Verve more than anything else. Oh, and then of course there could be the small problem of child maintenance payments. Start saving now. Your fun of throwing bottles of piss at shit bands could be short-lived when you have to fork out money to help the child you didn’t really want battle everything from bullying to alcoholism. 

Read more: 

Sperm donors offered free festival tickets – NME