Imagine just for a second that you’re Adele. You wake up to the contractual Lazy Susan of creamed pastries and important news.
As you separate your breasts from clapping together when you roll over to the eclair sideboard, you hear that someone on the X Factor is totally stealing your shtick and that song that you’ve rammed down so many throats that the Nation doesn’t have a gag reflex anymore? Well the video is out. You’d probably have a celebratory glass of whole cream as you sit down to watch it.
Aaaaaaaaaaand, end scene. Well done everyone. Take five and grab something from the green room.
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Adele seems to split people into two camps. The first is the Oooh! She’s like a proper singer! She’s not like those thin, manufactured ones! She’s a proper soul singer! She’s a real person! The other is the She Makes Really Boring Records And I Just Don’t Get The Fuss camp.
Of course, there’s a third group which sneer I Don’t Have Anything To Do With Popular Culture Because I Do My Own Thing And Feel Vastly Superior And Simultaneously Ostracised By It, but the less said about those bores the better.
However, there’s a fourth camp now. They’re called the Gah! We’re So Bored Of Hearing The Same Song That We’ve Actually Banned It. Let us explain.
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The best thing about being super-rich is that, rather than let governments decide how to spend your tax, you can just keep hold of it, then donate some to a groovy cause, whilst getting baskets of praise and verbal fellatio for making a really exciting thing happen.
Imagine a world where we could all do that! We would look dead nice from giving money to AIDS kids, earthquake orphans and publicity-hungry slag animals. Like polar bears. The furry whores.
We wouldn’t have to worry about our money helping to provide rehabilitation for murderers and young offenders.
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Axl Rose is a bloated prick isn’t he? Seriously. He’s an astonishingly shit human. He preens about this Earth like his balls are clad in gold, when really, he’s just a chubby shrieker with a chemically peeled pink head. These days, he’s less the frontman for a rock group and more like a piñata filled with faeces.
And hilariously, the Irish didn’t mind letting him know. Of course, he’s well known for making the people he’s supposed to love (the fans) wait and wait without regard for them in the slightest, by entering the live arena as late as he possibly can.
As such, the Irish took the piñata feeling and tried to knock his insides out with bottles.
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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.
Historically speaking, if a leprechaun’s not carrying a bowl of delicious cereal under a rainbow with several children chasing him, we really don’t care if he exists or not. They’re not as cool as monsters, not as spooky as ghosts, and they do far less anal probing than aliens.
Plus – nobody really believes in them anyway – right?
But there have been sightings – lots of sightings. And possibly – just possibly – one got caught on tape.
It wasn’t carrying any of the aforementioned delicious cereal though, so we remain quite dubious.
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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable. Historically speaking, if a leprechaun’s not carrying a bowl of delicious cereal under a rainbow with several children chasing him, we really [...]
We’re really thrumming up to the day that the Eurovision Song Contest gets interesting now, so hold onto your hats.
And the Eurovision news is really coming in thick and fast, if the contest’s official website is anything to go by. Why, just yesterday we learnt that the Maltese entry has a side-job as a secretary. This sort of hard-hitting breaking news is enough to leave us giddy, we don’t mind telling you.
So here’s the Eurovision 2009 profiles for Sinéad Mulvey and Black Daisy from Ireland and Noa and Mira Awad from Israel…
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Get ready for another big fat slice of delicious Eurovision betting odds, please.
Have you ever harboured a desire to compete in the Eurovision Song Contest, but can’t because you’re a spangle-addicted toddler? Well fret no more – the Junior Eurovision Song Contest is here! Well not here exactly, but in Cyprus in November. If you’re a taste-deficient child or a slightly creepy adult, now’s your chance to shine. Make us proud kids.
Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Ireland, with help from Paddy Power…
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When someone offers you something for free, there’s usually a catch.
But not always. Just last week a Chinese businessman said we could inherit $10,000,000 if we gave him some bank details. We did and now we’re just waiting to see the cheque arrive in the post. And some people thought we were stupid.
Now a new offer has caught our eye, which couldn’t be better for the thousands of single and horny blokes out there. If you’ve missed out on tickets to this year's festivals like T In The Park, V and Glastonbury, you can still get a chance to go. All you have to do is wank! Yes simply place your man sap in a jar, send it off and you could be experiencing the joys of festivals around Europe. Sorry ladies, it’s a no go for you. But why not try and water some mayonnaise down and pass it off as your own reproductive bodily fluid anyway?
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