Guess what tech fans! Those Chinese tinkerers have made another copy of an Apple trademark that’s bound to cause a stir, if not entirely offend fanboys and turtle neck wearers everywhere.

Having already found success with the SciPhone and a full sized replica Apple store, those crown princes of piracy, the Chinese, have now created THE ULTIMATE ACTION FIGURE, in the form of Apple founder Steve Jobs.

Steve Jobs. ACTION figure. ACTION… Steve Jobs?

Girls have their Barbies, boys have their Action Men and now, the long forgotten subset of androgynous hipsters that swathe around Shoreditch coffee houses will have their own doll to play and sexually experiment with.

Naturally, being an Apple product (albeit a fake Apple product) it’s ludicrously expensive, costing a whopping £65, doesn’t work with flash and it can’t play any real games. Not that you’d want it to play games, no, this action figure is all about the way it helps you do your design work, isn’t it?

You smarmy tit.

Rather predictably, Apple haven’t responded to this trademark infringement well. After all, what was Steve Jobs if not another trademark for Apple to profit off of?

Apple issued a statement to the Daily Mail, saying:

“Mr Jobs has not consented to the use of his name and/or image in the product.”

NO SHIT SHERLOCK, HE’S DEAD! We’re no experts, but we’re pretty sure it’s never going to be the easiest thing in the world for a Chinese company to obtain the image licensing rights to a deceased technology behemoth.

Aside from stating the obvious in the Mail, Apple are believed to have started legal proceedings against the two companies behind the Steve Jobs iAction figure, InIcon and Dragon in Dream.

They’re also rumoured to be preparing a press statement for the Independent that will confirm that the Pope is indeed a Catholic.

The Grand Theft Auto series is like a biblical dynasty, with more and more versions being released on what seems like an almost daily basis. Before long we’ll be able to chart our lives by where we are when the new GTA was released.

Like how the elderly chart theirs by when JFK or Elvis died, or One Direction fans will when Harry Styles finally succumbs to hairspray poisoning and he’s found slumped over Caroline Flack’s riddled corpse, herself only recently imploded under her own sense of self worth.

Well before that happy occasion arrives, you can all just shut up and read our brilliant and totally 100% correct in every which way review of Grand Theft Auto 3 for iOS and even some Android phones.

Although not a new offering from the Rockstar laboratories of prostitute haters, it is the newest of the franchise to reach the imaginary cyber-shelves of the App Store and has even been tinkered with to make the most of the new technologies that weren’t available back in the day, and which we can’t profess to know anything about. Get off our back, we can name all the Kardashians in order of Evil, can you do that? ‘Sackly, now step off.

Returning to Liberty City a decade after the original release was probably going to raise a few eyebrows and call for cries of nepotism and cashing in, but that’s entirely not the case. Yes, it is the same game essentially, and yes, you do have to pay a premium (for iPad games anyway) for a decade old game, but the people from Rockstar haven’t been resting on their smelly bums waiting for you to fork out your hard money in a nostalgic fervour. They’ve tweaked the graphics to take away the odd blurring issue that the original had and gave it a lovely spruce of paint. As well as the important graphics issue which grated cocks back in 2001, they’ve also added a fancy new camera angle which makes the whole thing just like the original Grand Theft Auto. Essentially it’s only a top down view, but for us who still hark back about how fantastic the original Grand Theft Auto was back then, it is a lovely feature.

As you might expect, the controls issue is always a problem with games on iPad, but Rockstar have done the impossible. They’ve made it actually possible to control a 3D character without careening off a cliff or into an bystander. Obviously in GTA3 those are things that you would want to do eventually anyway, but you don’t want to do it involuntarily. The control panels, on both sides of the screen are full of helpful buttons like ‘Walk’, ‘Open Car Door’, ‘Shoot Bitch In Face With Gun’ *paraphrasing* but they aren’t cumbersome or unsightly. They fade in and out when they are in use, and don’t take up space on the playing screen. This might be a problem on the iPhone because of it’s smaller screen, but there was no trouble on the iPad version.

Unfortunately there’s no multiplayer aspects SO FAR, but that’s not to say that there isn’t going to be one in an upcoming update. There’s nothing quite running your girlfriend or boyfriend off the road in their car, only to see it explode into a ball of flames as you burn off to start a new life in a new part of town. It would be nice to see in Grand Theft Auto as well, fnanananaa.

For the remarkable price of ONLY £2.99, the only thing holding you back is if Alexandra Burke herself was selling the fucker on QVC. It’s literally begging for you to play it. And seeing as it’s the season of goodwill to all men, and non-celebrity women, this is either going to get you through some really shit Christmas television, or it’s going to be a great present. Not for us mind, we don’t want anything that you’ve even looked at. We know where you’re eyes have been.

What have you done today? Bet you’ve dragged yourself through your dreary life, bumping into other insignificant doldrumites, who clamour for their carcinogenic hit of Heat magazine to find out what that family of soulless prostitutes we call Kardashians are up to.

Frankly, between us, you sicken us. Maybe you should try a little harder and people will stop thinking you have an alcohol problem and smiling inanely at you when you struggle to open the bottle of Pepsi Max you have with your Boots Meal Deal.

Whereas us, we’ve jumped from cloud to cloud to return an angelic harp to a sad Saint Peter, made a deal with Death himself to let us pass, and ensure that once Britney Spears does pass, she doesn’t return in a zombie form and a red pleather catsuit and managed to lose our girlfriend in a mythical land. So not a bad day’s work really. Bet all the exercise that you’ve had is strumming yourself in the Tesco car park while thinking about how sexy him from Outnumbered is going to be soon. You sicken us.

Of course we could’ve done that all by ourselves, just on the way home from work, but this time it’s because we’ve been testing out the new Dizzy game from the people who made him semi-popular back in the ’80s and ’90s, Codemasters.

Out for iOS, which we don’t need to tell you is what runs on iPhone, the game is a rehash of the 1991 title where you traverse the magical land where eggs can walk, jump, and generally be as philanthropic as you can be, although with spanking new titles that, allegedly, are high definition. Although moving from the pixellated mess of yesteryear is going to be an improvement under any comparison. Look at Steps. They were shit back then, but they’re shitter now because they’re ten years older and still giant assmunchers.

However valiant an effort that Codemasters has put in, it has the same effect as pulling out before spluffing your splaff all up in her bloof.

It’s good, but gaming has moved on immeasurably in the past 18 years and Dizzy hasn’t kept up. The same dodgy controls (weighed down by the failure that is touch screen movement controls) mean that precise jumping you needed back in the 90s is still a problem, and the simplistic ‘Pick something up, take it to someone, use it on that someone’ is still repetitive and, at times, annoying.

Even though the level is very short, you’ll find yourself wandering around aimlessly for hours before giving up, throwing your iPhone on the ground and thinking how awesome it would be if a few letters of the alphabet didn’t exist.

Give Dizzy a wide berth if you want a game that gives some sort of immediate payback. Because, by the time that you do get some payback, you’ve lost interest so much that you don’t care anymore and realise there’s pots of tea to be made and pictures of Jesy from Little Mix to photoshop into hilarious situations.

Shame.

There’s something truly amazing about being able to download games straight to a mobile device without having to blow into a cartridge, or wipe the back of a CD and wait hours for something to install, only to crash on the first playthrough.

“Unparalleled convenience” some might say. Of course we wouldn’t say that because that would be a compliment and compliments are only given once a year. You know this.

That said, mobile gaming is pretty nifty isn’t it? We can choose, download and realise a game is a dud before the initial crowning is over during Toilet Time. It’s as simple as a Kardashian, and almost as easy. Booyah! Unfortunately Superman is one of those games that you regret buying almost immediately after opening the app for the very first time.

“Become Superman and act like a self-congratulatory dickhead!” Reads the description in the App Store.

Although the idea behind the game is strikingly original; a 2D adventure flying around Metropolis putting out fires, throwing booby trapped cars into space and blasting asteroids out of the sky, unfortunately the common trap that mobile gaming falls into rears its ugly head once again.

“What’s that recurring problem?” We hear you shout before offering your ill-informed opinion on the latest Twitter outrage. Well the controls. No one has yet to perfect onscreen controls without them becoming a fiddly nightmare. Someone should realise that gamers don’t want to have a large proportion of the screen taken up by our dirty nails and bitten fingers. Who would want that? We all know that people with dirty nails are thought worse of than the letter “Oh, I’m a consonant, now I’m a vowel, I’m so flirty” Y.

It’s good having the option to zoom around Metropolis in your pants and a cape, but eventually you lose patience having to rearrange yourself time and time again because you’ve overshot the destination with the control stick, or supersped away from the speeding car by pressing the wrong button.

Although it is a wallet-friendly price, this doesn’t mask the fact that essentially it has the same failings as many other portable gaming titles. Give it a whirl if you want to, we don’t care, we have citizens to save!

Is it a bird, is it a plane? No, it’s HECKLER MAN!

With the teasing of a new Dizzy hitting the old interwebs as late as yesterday, people were kind of surprised that definite information would be released so soon. It kind of made the whole teasing process pointless, like most attempts at foreplay.

But the news has “finally” been released and the new Dizzy game is going to be… *Mark Ronson style trumpet blare*

A rehash of 1991’s Dizzy: Prince Of The Yolkfolk. Can we have some grumbles with that underwhelming announcement please?

Paul Ranson, the original project manager had these words to say:

“20 years on and Dizzy: Prince of the Yolkfolk remains one of the most memorable games in the series for its puzzles and humour and it’s an absolute pleasure to return to the director’s role for this HD edition.

For once, this is a retro classic that doesn’t require rose-tinted glasses to appreciate its design and gameplay – Dizzy: Prince of the Yolkfolk is simply a great puzzle-solving romp that’s been brought up to date with glorious visuals.”

But if you want to be able to see what you’re doing, you can even switch back to the original, verging on 4-bit graphics if you so wish.

Why you would so wish is beyond us, but different strokes for different folk’s junk innit.

So, it’s out 9th December, expect a review from us around January.

After we’ve decided that it’s actually quite a good thing instead of a CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT ON BEHALF OF EVERYONE FROM THE 80S.

Here’s the ZX Spectrum version for fans of glitchy bip bip music.

Listen up losers, there’s something you need to know. It won’t help you find a girl/boy/dogfriend, you pathetic sacks of rotting fat molecules. And it won’t get you more money to spend on any more useless gifts for your loved ones; those loved ones who only keep you around until the end of the year so they can get a present from you.

And it certainly won’t make you feel any younger. You’ll still creek like a damp-sodden sideboard half hanging out of a skip each morning and night.

But you can rejoice a little bit, before going back to your worthless lives, because Grand Theft Auto 3 is soon to be available for iOS 5. For those of you don’t know, that’s what us rich people call the operating system on their iPhones and iPads. GTA3 HD, which it will probably be called, is also available on Android. But the less said about that the better.

Although it might seem that everyone and their step-children are talking about Grand Theft Auto 5, and theorising over the most minute specks of information, gleaned from a rather short, nondescript trailer. Much like those insufferable Potterphiles. Or the unemployed obese who managed to stick with Lost beyond Season Two.

GTA3 is still, and will be, a valiant attempt at making sure kids know the best angle to hold a gun at when you’re doing a drive by. Between rioting, of course.

The gameplay is reportedly the same as the release ten whole years ago, that’s a decade in old money, but from sneaky videos made when Rockstar debuted the game at this year’s Comic-Con, you can see the graphics have been up-tweaked slightly. Think of it like the group performances on X Factor; everything has been modified slightly. For the better.

There’s no release date set but that’s what makes it interesting. Some people think that it is imminent, whereas some think that it’ll be out for the holidays, cynically. There also isn’t a definite pricing structure established, so could try harder Rockstar, C+.

One thing that we think might cause us to propel our iPads across the room, like a very expensive frisbee, is the potential fiddly-diddly controls. iOS developers have always struggled to find the best way of placing buttons so you don’t find yourself walking into the area covered by your thumbs as you chase prostitutes, or that guy who looked at you funny.

So although there’s not much concrete information for us to give you, we’ll probably keep you updated with new developments. And if we don’t, console yourself with the thought that we’ve probably just found something better to do. Like watch a particularly gripping episode of ‘Doctors’ or setting half an hour aside for a good poo.

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When Steve Jobs died (most likely as a direct result of the shoddy piece of iCrap that his company launched just 24 hours earlier), tearful simpletons across the globe gathered around his grave to pay homage to the genius who Changed The World™, one recycled idea at a time.

When the prophesied iJobs resurrection failed to materialise three days later, a handful of maverick thinkers finally dared to suggest that maybe Stevie J wasn’t Jesus incarnate after all, and perhaps all the gushing, glassy-eyed dogma spewing across the Internet might have been a teensy, weensy bit overblown.

Various stories began to bubble to the surface about Jobs being generally a bit of a git-about-town, and the leaked preview of a suspiciously well-timed “definitive biography” revealed he was in fact a dirty, smelly, LSD-addled hippy with a bitter, venomous hatred towards anything that looked remotely like fair competition in the marketplace. And that’s not even mentioning his various attempts to abandon his first daughter.

The latest, and perhaps classiest, reveal is that the world’s favourite rich, benevolent, cuddly (though perhaps a bit less so during those last few months) uncle found and exploited the world’s most expensive legal loophole to fuel his neverending quest towards being the biggest jerk in Silicon Valley.

It seems, way back in the ’80s, Stevie discovered a loophole that allowed him to drive his car without number plates, provided it was less than six months old. This comes in particularly handy when you have a taste for parking in disabled spots and would rather fork out hundreds of thousands of dollars, twice a year, on a new Mercedes than pay the perfectly justifiable civil fines that go with it.

According to time-weathered Apple code-monkey Andy Hertzfeld:

“Whenever you saw a big Mercedes parked in a handicapped space, you could be sure that it was Steve’s car.”

When questioned back in 2001 about why he never had number plates on his car, Steve explained it was because he was dedicated to smooth clean lines and the number plates spoiled it liked to dodge tickets saying:

“It’s a game I play.”

Presumably, seeing as he was playing this delightful “game” against genuinely disabled people, Steve would usually emerge from the post office wearing a gold medal and a shit-eating grin at least 20 minutes before the competition had managed to find a parking spot and get their crutches out of the boot.

Stay classy, Steve.

This guest post was written by Arthur ASCii who hasn’t seen daylight in one-hundred years and thoroughly hates all humans equally because he’s fair like that

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When we make lists, they’re usually pretty easy to do. You just take your own opinion of something, prioritise it and throw it in an article without giving the consequences much thought. As such, we still have people arguing the toss (pun intended) over our ‘Top’ Sci-Fi babes & newscasters.

Of course, some lists aren’t that easy to come up with and require rigorously observed criteria in order to make them acceptable for the delicate eyes of our readers.

Our quest was long and arduous but we got there in the end.

Hallowe’en costumes are the sort of thing that you really want to get right. Imagine you’re at a party dressed as a comedy dog turd and that girl/guy that you’ve fancied for ages shows up. The last thing you want is to- quite literally- look like a canine has just expelled you from its rectum.

That’s where the costume makers come in, these kings of convenience will sell you a costume to suit your every whim and fancy, and all for a reasonably small fee.

That’s the criteria of this list- to make it, the costume has to be an all-in-one that you can buy from the internet. None of this “oh, look at the terrible craftsmanship in that gentleman’s homemade ghost costume” tripe here. We’ve also included the links, should you need to pick up some last minute Hallowe’en garb.

Our gratitude to the people of the good ship Twitter for helping us compile this list.

10. Zombie Cowboy

Okay, so they’re not all sexy.

We’ll concede the fact that this is far from the worst costume of the bunch but the mask really lets it down. “Oh, you’ve come as a zombie Charles Manson? You know he didn’t use guns and just convinced people to do his killing for him?” Perhaps the most disturbing element of the costume is the fact that the mask looks one of Jim Henson’s Imagineers turned Manson into a muppet. Chilling.

Highlight: The wee plastic rifle. Not included.

Want it? You can get it here.

9. The Kinky Krayon

The trend for attending Hallowe’en shindigs dressed as a child’s drawing implement is long established but what if you want to go as a wax rod and maintain your femininity? Well, this naughty crayon might be for you. Just don’t put up with any phallic innuendo.

Highlight: This seems to be endorsed by Crayola.

Want it? Get it here.

8. Inflatable Jabba The Hutt

Star Wars fans are always arguing about the minutiae of their favourite film series but, in the first of our Star Wars entries, why not do it dressed like an inflatable, post-stroke Vanessa Feltz? It’s difficult not to suggest that this costume looks like a mutilated penis so… err… this costume looks like a mutilated penis!

Highlight: Its almost looks like he’s winking at you.

Want it? Why wouldn’t you? Get your grubby paws on it here.

7. ‘Why Helllllloow’ Kitty

hecklerspray are by no means moral crusaders. In fact, the less clothes we can put on something, the better. However, this might just take the global obsession with the glorified Nyan Cat, Hello Kitty, a little bit too far. Also, it doesn’t seem to sit very well around the crotch…

Highlight: It barely covers your arse which is exactly what you want from a beloved children’s character.

Want it? You’re a sick puppy.

6. Don’t Cross the Streams

I ain’t afraid of no hot-pants! Seriously though, this one is just wholly impractical. The Ghostbusters wear boiler suits for a reason- to keep the ectoplasm off their skin. With this costume, you could end up with ectoplasm splattered all over your ch- oh… gotcha.

Highlight: A jaunty cap which really sets the whole thing off.

Want it? Buy it with your hard-earned pennies here.

5. Sexually Inappropriate iPhone

In fairness, if this costume was actually called “sexually inappropriate iPhone” then it might be funny but as it is they’ve picked a man who looks enough like a rapist to make this abortion of a costume worthwhile. You’ll notice that some of the buttons are, instead of apps, sexually suggestive comments. We assume that they’re there so that ladies can swan up and touch the one that they want to do with him or at least use them to target their punches.

Highlight: The “turn me on” button that probably doubles as a makeshift glory hole.

Want it? You can buy it on Amazon. Yeah, Amazon.

4. Mind the Gap!

Yes, that’s right folks. In at number 4, it’s everyone’s favourite walking fuzzball given a 21st century update by costume makers so that women can feel sexy while dressed up like a strategically shaved sasquatch. What’s in the pouch? A Wookiee never reveals its secrets.

Or is that a magician?

Highlight: The fur-lined Wookiee pants which will have Star Wars fans from here to Mos Eisley drooling into their inflatable Jabba the Hutt costumes.

Want it? Really? (If that’s not enough, you might enjoy the PVC Darth Vader & Stormtrooper in one of the pictures)

Let it go down in lore that the following costumes are the worst costumes that we have ever seen on sale. In all honesty, they’re probably about equal but we’ve scored them based on how much they ruined much-loved franchises.

3. Cool But Rude?

Let’s remember that classic theme song for a moment. “Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines, Raphael is cool but rude, Michaelangelo is a party dude.” This costume combines all of those elements for those looking to lead people to the bedroom, use a vibrator on them, never call them again and then go to another party to repeat the process. What have you come as? The corruption of childhood memories. Oh, wonderful.

Highlight: PVC boots designed to really accentuate the message of the outfit.

Want it? Of course you do, you kinky thing.

2. Optimus Primed & Ready For Action

It has long been a trucker’s dream that the rig would magically transform into a beautiful woman but it’s so unclear what this costume is actually supposed to be that it would leave even the most ardent truck-fan flaccid. Still, at least it’s not a Michael Bay transformer or you’d be able to see right through her and into the vacuous pit of money where Bay himself lies, mocking everyone that grew up in the 80s & 90s.

Highlight: The two diddy little wheels attached to the shoulders. It’s supposed to make it clearer.

Want it? If you must…

1. Dead or Alive, You’re Coming With Us

What’s that? You didn’t think it could get worse than Optimus Prime? Well, ladies & gentlemen, your number one is the sexy Robocop. Part french maid, part law enforcement cyborg, this costume will set you back about $70 (in that American money) and will ensure that no-one speaks to you all night. Although, for only $30 extra you can get a holster implanted into your leg by a South American doctor in a grubby operating room. Excellent value.

Highlight: Worried that people might mistake the costume for a “tarty Geordi LaForge” the makers of the costume added in a neck band which clearly states who the person is supposed to be. Gets rid of the awkward “what have you come as?” questions. “Oh, you’ve come as an idiot.”

Want it? You’re the worst kind of scum.

So there you have it folks, there’s some real doozies in there but we know that you’ll be all fixed up and will end the evening with your pants around your ankles, vomitting into a Jack o’ Lantern and isn’t that what Hallowe’en’s all about?

Yes, yes it is.

Apple geeks around the world were united in grief last week when Apple announced that Steve Jobs had suffered a fatal 404 error and couldn’t be restarted. Whilst a replacement for Steve Jobs had already been secured so Apple can dominate the market with sleek and flashy products that’ll require a replacement six months later, we don’t care about that.

It’s all about tie-in movie deals that are coming soon thanks to Sony snapping up the rights.

Total Film published a list of actors who they thought could play the billionaire tech lord throughout his reign at the helm of Appple. After Justin Timberlake successfully played Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and won countless awards due to his uncanny resemblance to everyone’s favorite social network poster boy, we figured we’d think about those who should really play Jobsy.

A biopic of Steve Jobs is screaming out for high profile actors to play him in multiple life stages. But surely they’d all be busy on other projects and unable to make the movie set. Bearing that in mind, these are the people we’d cast, surely securing us an Oscar.

Michael Stipe

Some word argue that Michael Stipe made a career out of penning feelgood indie hit with Muppets. But in actual fact, he resembles a decaying onion who panics when the sun shines for too long and when a gust a wind threatens to blow off a layer of his skin. This is the real reason why REM broke up. Basically, they look EXACTLY THE SAME.

Michael Jackson

Following a semi-successful music career, coming second to his sibling Latoya, Michael took a turn for the worst following the day Pepsi set him on fire. If there’s a bigger reason not to get hooked on drugs, the image of a once proud man was reverted to that of someone who needed his nose stapled to his face on a daily basis. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Mr Burns

Steve Jobs came over as a kind and caring boss who’d personally hug all his employees when they clocked off at the shift. But behind closed doors, we imagine he’d threaten to kill staff members partners if they didn’t churn out the blueprints for a brand new iToaster that contained 400GB of memory and was so small that you could only fit specially baked Apple bread inside. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME. (Also, Jobs could come back as iMogul in the same way Burnsy became a cyborg looking for Bo Bo).

C3PO

Perhaps one for the biopic’s closing credits as we take a look in to what the future of Steve Jobs had in store. Due to Apple physically being unable to make a thinner or faster product, Jobs took it upon himself to become the first iHuman. Proving he can wear more than a black turtle-neck jumper and dodgy jeans, it’s time for Jobs to camp it up with a space age gold suit equipped with gadgets we can’t comprehend. He’s just trying to seduce R2D2 who looks like an Apple product anyway. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Danny Dyer

When not talking about cutting up ex-girlfriends faces in magazines or meeting the world’s deadliest men, he’ll take any film work going. Usually, playing a comedy gangster, it seems about time for Danny to take on a serious role. Essentially, our cockney friend can’t lose as he’ll crack the American market and gain future roles in films such as American Pie 743: Urgh Is That What It Really Looks Like? BASICALLY, THEY…ER, NEVER MIND.

Jet Li

Watching Steve Jobs slowly wilt away was an awful thing to witness. Especially when he could have gone to the App store and downloaded a guide on combating fatal illnesses. In the film’s flashback scene which sees Jobs fully functioning, people deserve to see a man who could dispose of a gang of Microsoft ninjas who’d attempt to invade the Apple offices and steal secrets about product that make the average Apple customer even smugger. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Mr Moneybags

Penetrated the African market? Excellent, go collect a trillion dollars of pure profit from vastly overpriced products that do the same as every other computer on the market. But because Apple release white and shiny items, consumers become part of a strange cult who whoop and cheer whenever a new software download comes out. Steve Jobs must have spent time masturbating over piles of cash in his office. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Morgan Freeman

Steve Jobs was considered cool, a rarity really as anyone who works with computers and technology is deemed to be a friendless nerd who gets aroused by a sexy line of binary code. It’s fact that Morgan Freeman is the ultimate image of cool and everyone wants to be him. He’d get the narration job on this movie without having to turn up to auditions. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

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An apple a day keeps the doctor away. That’s medical fact. But pieces of fruit doesn’t come complete with wireless signals, touch responsive features and slimmer looks than an anorexic model. Shout “Apple” in the middle of any shopping centres and fully grown men will fall to their knees, bowing to a picture of Steve Jobs that they keep in their wallet.

You see, Apple users are a confusing bunch of smug individuals who like to emphasise the fact they are listening to their Apple MP3 players whilst typing away on their Apple Macbook and using Apple FaceTime with a fellow Apple enthusiast on an Apple iPad 2 to find out when the next Apple iPod touch comes out so they can effectively buy the same Apple product again.

Fans of this cult will be squealing with joy as buzz from the tech world tells us that the iPhone 5 is set to arrive in October. And we have insider gossip!

We’ve been told first hand from a developer who has been working on the iPhone 5 about a couple of free apps that users can expect upon purchasing their new phone. Our source, took time away from managing the sweatshop factory line in China so he could tell us:

“Anyone who gets one of our great products will be able to pick from one of two applications that we’re offering free of charge. After all, we want to connect with our audience and thank them for blowing a month’s wages on our new handset.”

The man only referring as BG continued:

“Using unique satellite honing technology, our crack team of developers have developed “4Roam.” This intelligent piece of software picks up users of an iPhone 4; up to one mile away. Anyone possessing this tool can march straight up to whoever is in the possession of outdated kit and mock them about not having the latest gizmo from Apple.”

But remember, Apple are giving you a choice of two apps. What’s the second one? Thankfully our whistleblower was at hand to spill the beans again:

“Secondly, a fairly basic program has been setup to count down a mystery timer. As history keeps on showing, our customers are a dedicated bunch of guys and gals, so we thought we’d keep them posted on a continuous basis. Who wouldn’t want to know when we’re going to make one of our existing products a millimetre thinner or when we release a rainbow coloured range of USB cables?”

Wow, free stuff! Everyone likes free stuff and we’re amazed that Apple are giving away a free application to customers after they’ve spent five hours updating their phone’s software. Who needs a mobile with a better camera, longer battery life and supposed wireless charging? The jump from the iPhone 4 to the iPhone 5 is like changing from VHS to DVD. Effectively life changing. Well that’s until the iPhone 6 comes along.

As for us minions in the hecklerspray bedsit, we don’t need fancy gadgets. Cups and string is all we need for effective communication.

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Some good and some bad for this week.

Folded:

• Mary Portas (if nothing else you’ve got to respect her for sticking with that same bowl hairdo for the last forty years)
• Little Scarlet jam (so unbelievably moorish you can eat it straight from the jar, just like Joey, the mental one from Friends)
• That new iPhone everyone is banging on about (FaceTime video calling! Nope, no clue either)
• England (please beat Germany. Many thanks)
• Anchor butter‘s ‘Paradise City’ riff (crap advert, obviously, but country Guns ‘n’ Roses is a winner)

Creased:

• James Corden’s World Cup Live (as good as we expected, i.e: worse than eating your own foot batter)
• The world’s longest ever tennis match in the history of the world ever (pat on the back for the players, but still less fun to watch than an explosion in an abattoir)
• Ticket offices (any ticket office, anywhere, for anything. All manned by utter cretins)
• Frank Sidebottom’s gone (if you don’t remember this legend from Saturday morning TV, clearly you should be doing your homework right now and not wasting time here)
• Watching Dressed to Kill (sellotaping our eyelids shut would have been a better use of our time. Thanks a lot, Fiver)

Winners and losers.

Folded:

• The Hangover (out now on DVD and funnier than a dog with no legs)
• Be original; buy a BlackBerry (get the different one)
• The Thick of It (so many put downs you’ll wish you were back at school)
• Eggnog latte (from Starbucks where the staff are a hell of a lot nicer than the customers)
• Hair wax (shiny)

Creased:

• Putting up Christmas decorations (more fun than taking them down, but still less enjoyable than sitting around doing nothing)
• Be boring; buy an iPhone (get the better one)
• Poor Malcolm Tucker (dark, less funny times are ahead)
• Alesha Dixon: Who’s Your Daddy? (don’t know who your father is? You now have Alesha as your spokeswoman. How d’you feel about that?)
• Hair gel (greasy)

The Hecklerspray office has been rocking today, thanks to a fantastic little device called the K-box, which transforms any flat surface into a speaker.

Yeah, you heard us. Floors and desks have never been so goddamned noisy before. It’s a sensation. Aimed at iPhones and similar portable music devices, the K-box will massively amplify the sound without needed a traditional speaker.

It’s genuinely a bit weird. You could theoretically turn a train carriage into a nightclub with this thing.

So how does it work? Well, it has a gel surface that transfers and projects sound. What’s remarkable is the amount of bass you get from the K-box.

Check out this video, from another K-box user, which demonstrates what we’ve been experiencing:

The K-box costs £39.99 and is exclusive to Kerchoonz, a social networking platform for music fans and artists.

Folded is sunny, Creased is cloudy.

Folded:

• Fiver (it’s got Californication)
• Sailor Jerry (rum you can drink without mixing? Pour us ten)
• The UK getting Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen three days before anyone else (so what if we don’t care? It’s the principle of the thing)
• RunPee.com (a website that tells you when to pee during cinema movies. Indispensable)
• The Janitorial (don’t get us wrong, hecklerspray is a great name, but The Janitorial is whole different kind of genius)

Creased:

• Five (it’s got Wordplay)
• Glitchy moments playing InFamous (Cole and his amazing adventures getting trapped inside the scenery)
• iPhones = fragile (they won’t work that well after falling onto tarmac and bouncing twice. Surprisingly)
• New Ford Capri (embarrassing, even before it’s called a Capri)
• Beards (not fun when it’s hot, and people will murder you for having a goatee)

Professional movie director and sometime whore David Fincher has given humanity the gifts of Seven, Fight Club and keeping Jodie Foster locked in room for a long time.

Now with the launch of the new iPhone, his latest gift is a sharp new advert for the product that needs no advertising. Yes Fincher has directed himself a new iPhone advert – the product everybody has because it’s the best thing to ever happen to Earth, the universe and everything in it! – That’ll make the heartbreak of losing out on the Oscar less bitter Fincher.

David, though, is a director of class and prestige, surely he could direct someone to KFC and it would be done so with an outstanding style and panache not seen before? Alternatively he could guff, watch Mission Impossible and just say “Do that”.

Looks like the latter.

[story by David Scarborough]