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Guess what tech fans! Those Chinese tinkerers have made another copy of an Apple trademark that’s bound to cause a stir, if not entirely offend fanboys and turtle neck wearers everywhere.
Having already found success with the SciPhone and a full sized replica Apple store, those crown princes of piracy, the Chinese, have now created THE ULTIMATE ACTION FIGURE, in the form of Apple founder Steve Jobs.
Steve Jobs. ACTION figure. ACTION… Steve Jobs?
The Grand Theft Auto series is like a biblical dynasty, with more and more versions being released on what seems like an almost daily basis. Before long we’ll be able to chart our lives by where we are when the new GTA was released.
Like how the elderly chart theirs by when JFK or Elvis died, or One Direction fans will when Harry Styles finally succumbs to hairspray poisoning and he’s found slumped over Caroline Flack’s riddled corpse, herself only recently imploded under her own sense of self worth.
Well before that happy occasion arrives, you can all just shut up and read our brilliant and totally 100% correct in every which way review of Grand Theft Auto 3 for iOS and even some Android phones.
What have you done today? Bet you’ve dragged yourself through your dreary life, bumping into other insignificant doldrumites, who clamour for their carcinogenic hit of Heat magazine to find out what that family of soulless prostitutes we call Kardashians are up to.
Frankly, between us, you sicken us. Maybe you should try a little harder and people will stop thinking you have an alcohol problem and smiling inanely at you when you struggle to open the bottle of Pepsi Max you have with your Boots Meal Deal.
Whereas us, we’ve jumped from cloud to cloud to return an angelic harp to a sad Saint Peter, made a deal with Death himself to let us pass, and ensure that once Britney Spears does pass, she doesn’t return in a zombie form and a red pleather catsuit and managed to lose our girlfriend in a mythical land. So not a bad day’s work really. Bet all the exercise that you’ve had is strumming yourself in the Tesco car park while thinking about how sexy him from Outnumbered is going to be soon. You sicken us.
There’s something truly amazing about being able to download games straight to a mobile device without having to blow into a cartridge, or wipe the back of a CD and wait hours for something to install, only to crash on the first playthrough.
“Unparalleled convenience” some might say. Of course we wouldn’t say that because that would be a compliment and compliments are only given once a year. You know this.
That said, mobile gaming is pretty nifty isn’t it? We can choose, download and realise a game is a dud before the initial crowning is over during Toilet Time. It’s as simple as a Kardashian, and almost as easy. Booyah! Unfortunately Superman is one of those games that you regret buying almost immediately after opening the app for the very first time.
With the teasing of a new Dizzy hitting the old interwebs as late as yesterday, people were kind of surprised that definite information would be released so soon. It kind of made the whole teasing process pointless, like most attempts at foreplay.
But the news has “finally” been released and the new Dizzy game is going to be… *Mark Ronson style trumpet blare*
A rehash of 1991’s Dizzy: Prince Of The Yolkfolk. Can we have some grumbles with that underwhelming announcement please?
Listen up losers, there’s something you need to know. It won’t help you find a girl/boy/dogfriend, you pathetic sacks of rotting fat molecules. And it won’t get you more money to spend on any more useless gifts for your loved ones; those loved ones who only keep you around until the end of the year so they can get a present from you.
And it certainly won’t make you feel any younger. You’ll still creek like a damp-sodden sideboard half hanging out of a skip each morning and night.
But you can rejoice a little bit, before going back to your worthless lives, because Grand Theft Auto 3 is soon to be available for iOS 5. For those of you don’t know, that’s what us rich people call the operating system on their iPhones and iPads. GTA3 HD, which it will probably be called, is also available on Android. But the less said about that the better.
When Steve Jobs died (most likely as a direct result of the shoddy piece of iCrap that his company launched just 24 hours earlier), tearful simpletons across the globe gathered around his grave to pay homage to the genius who Changed The World™, one recycled idea at a time.
When the prophesied iJobs resurrection failed to materialise three days later, a handful of maverick thinkers finally dared to suggest that maybe Stevie J wasn’t Jesus incarnate after all, and perhaps all the gushing, glassy-eyed dogma spewing across the Internet might have been a teensy, weensy bit overblown.
Various stories began to bubble to the surface about Jobs being generally a bit of a git-about-town, and the leaked preview of a suspiciously well-timed “definitive biography” revealed he was in fact a dirty, smelly, LSD-addled hippy with a bitter, venomous hatred towards anything that looked remotely like fair competition in the marketplace. And that’s not even mentioning his various attempts to abandon his first daughter.
When we make lists, they’re usually pretty easy to do. You just take your own opinion of something, prioritise it and throw it in an article without giving the consequences much thought. As such, we still have people arguing the toss (pun intended) over our ‘Top’ Sci-Fi babes & newscasters.
Of course, some lists aren’t that easy to come up with and require rigorously observed criteria in order to make them acceptable for the delicate eyes of our readers.
Our quest was long and arduous but we got there in the end.
