Fashion designers are a funny breed aren’t they? No other profession is full of characters that are religiously followed and praised for their movements. Do you monitor the work your local builder does? Course you don’t you arrogant tool. Do you keep up to date with what a professional footbal- oh.

All you have to do is say the name Marc Jacobs and people who know their stuff will tell you that you won’t be able to fill a wardrobe full of his creations for less than £30. That’s more for the fashion ‘working class’ like us, who’ll have to stick to Primark onesies and tear-stained sweatshirts.

A jumper from Marc Jacobs is likely to set you back £400+. All because people are morons and pay the price for organic, free range camel pubes. You know, as opposed to those ones you get from battery camels.

Designers also like to try new ideas. Perfumes are an easy market to break into as all you have to do give the product a snazzy name, create a fancy bottle and shoot a sexy advert. Two of the three steps were followed by Marc Jacobs, but there was a small issue with the use of model Dakota Fanning.

Star of movies such as Man On Fire, Dakota Fanning still hasn’t reached her twenties yet but has seemingly been in “the business” (not that business) for around thirty years. Is she the Peter Pan of actresses? We say this because everytime she appears in a big screen flick, Fanning always seems to play a timid child or emotionally stunted young women.

Due to the child like appearance of Fanning, it clearly struck a chord with the casting agency who were looking for someone to promote the badly named fragrance “Oh, Lola!” Take a look why don’t you?

That image is from The Daily Mail. They were so outraged that they felt the need to show the offending picture so that their readers could be truly outraged. Why have we done it?

We’re sick.

According to the ASA who govern British advertising, they believe that any bloke looking at that advert will start dribbling manically and roam the streets so they can find female prey to sexually molest. Well, that’s the message we got anyway. That was just us reading between the lines. The ASA released a statement saying:

“We noted that the model was holding up the perfume bottle which rested in her lap between her legs and we considered that its position was sexually provocative.”

Looking a little closer, the bottle was nestled precariously close to her lady garden and because Dakota’s surname sounds extremely like the word ‘fanny’, we can only assume that the prudes out there in advertising land nearly collapsed into a coma with so much filth flying around at the one time. Brilliantly, it seems that people behind the Marc Jacobs admit to creating a paedophilic look for their brand. Someone from the ASA said, in a very stern tone:

“We understood the model was 17 years old but we considered she looked under the age of 16. We considered that the length of her dress, her leg and position of the perfume bottle drew attention to her sexuality. Because of that, along with her appearance, we considered the ad could be seen to sexualise a child. We therefore concluded that the ad was irresponsible and was likely to cause serious offence.”

Imagine if Michael Jackson was alive and releasing dodgy merchandise? The poor children sleeping over at Neverland would just be thinking they were taking part in an innocent photoshoot; all before being used as part of sexy labelling for soup, crayons and carpet cleaner.

Chilling.

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Sir Paul McCartney, of forgotten ’70s beat group Wings, has for some peculiar reason, had his phone hacked by ‘so-called journalists’ and he’s gone grassing everyone up to the police. Including us. We got a letter informing us we’d be under investigation.

Even though we only have one PAYG mobile phone (the one with Snake II on), we do use it to get into people’s voicemails. We’ve got a great story about the not very famous comedian David Schneider, but that’s for another time.

Anyway, Macca is not pleased that we’ve been in his messages, very much in the same way his former wife, Heather Mills, was hopping mad (fnarr) that she’d had her voicemails hacked into and, of course, John Lennon’s chest was very much breached by Mark Chapman with his best gun.

Sir Paul says:

“I am going to talk to the police because apparently I have been hacked. I don’t know much about it because they won’t tell anyone except the person themselves.”

“I do think it’s a horrendous violation of privacy. I do think it has been going on for a long time and I do think more people than we know knew about it.”

Of course, these incredibly famous people aren’t bothered about us. They only want to sue famous people. The Muccas are subsequently going after CNN suet head, Piers Morgan, who edited the Mirror from 1995 to 2004. He’s getting all this lovely stick, thereby allowing us to get off scot-free.

Naturally, Piers denies any involvement in phone hacking, despite the fact he once wrote:

‘At one stage I was played a tape of a message Paul had left for Heather on her mobile phone. It was heartbreaking.’

‘The couple had clearly had a tiff, Heather had fled to India, and Paul was pleading with her to come back.

‘He sounded lonely, miserable and desperate, and even sang ‘We Can Work It Out ‘ into the answerphone.’

Aaaw! Bless Sir Paul. Although, he really should’ve crooned one of his more erratic hits. Any of these would have been great.

Still, funny how everyone is taking phone hacking seriously, given that everyone thought Heather Mills was mental for saying such a thing all those years ago.

You fickle ogres.

Meanwhile, Ringo wonders why no-one ever wants to hack his phone and has been seen handing out his phone number to strangers and telling them his pin-code for his voicemail.

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We don’t know who to feel more sorry for – Jamie Lynn Spears or the man who seems to think that a photo of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding is sexy.

Because, apparently, somebody actually thinks that. There’s currently a huge investigation going on in America after a photo of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding with a boob exposed was apparently copied several times with the intention to post them onto the internet or sell them for profit. And since Jamie Lynn Spears is under the age of 18, the thief could technically be hauled up on a pornography charge.

We think we should probably point out at this juncture that the allegedly stolen photo is of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding her baby, and not of Jamie Lynn Spears being breastfed by her own mother. We know that Jamie Lynn Spears is only young, but that’s no excuse for weirdness.

You know what gives us the horn? Pictures of sexually-irresponsible teenagers having their knockers chewed on by babies. Phwoar.

Of course, we’re joking. If we had to make a list of all the sexiest things in the world, that scenario we just described would be right near the bottom, sandwiched right between ‘your nan doing a striptease to Push It by Salt-N-Pepa‘ and ’1950s production line videos about minced beef’. But it sounds as if there’s one stone-cold lunatic in the world that does find the idea of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding sexy and, worse still, they think that others might as well.

You see, when she’s not writing notes that make her mother cry or failing to be empathetic towards other sexually-clumsy teenagers, Jamie Lynn Spears has a baby to raise. And, as everybody knows, part of raising a baby as its mother involves jabbing your tit in its mouth from time to time to stop it crying.

And, of course, part of raising a baby as its father involves taking photos of the mother with her tit out, even though you’re basically mugging her of her precious dignity, and then getting the photo printed at Wal-Mart fully aware that several other people will see your teenage girlfriend’s breast in the process and possibly make copies of that breast and try to illegally distribute it for fun and/or profit.

In that case, Jamie Lynn Spears’ boyfriend Casey Aldridge is doing a bang-up job, because a photo of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding that was taken on his camera and printed at a local Wal-Mart could have been duplicated several times by an employee, sparking a federal pornography investigation. The Sun reports:

Casey took a memory card of 12 family pictures to be developed at his local Wal-Mart in Louisiana. In the offending snap, Jamie Lynn’s left breast is exposed as she feeds daughter Maddie. Because she is under 18, selling the pictures, or buying them, could constitute a violation of federal laws prohibiting pornography – even though they weren’t taken for sexual purposes.

Whoever allegedly made copies of these Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding photos must be terrified at the moment – going to jail is bad enough, but going to jail because you got aroused by the sight of 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears’ dribbly tit, and knowing that you’ll have to use the phrase ‘Jamie Lynn Spears’ dribbly tit’ when explaining your gap in employment during all future job interviews, is bound to put the fear of God into you.

But this story isn’t anywhere near as bad as it seems. For instance, Jamie Lynn Spears hasn’t lost the photo of her breastfeeding her baby, she just mistaken allowed it to possibly be copied by someone. And, so long as she still has the original photo, and therefore still has something to show her baby’s appalled friends in years to come, all’s not lost.

Blonde thingy Paris Hilton and boyfriend Benji Madden are being investigated by police for an alleged hit and run, according to The Sun.

They are accused of driving over photographer Glen Gurniak’s foot as they left a club in Los Angeles Thursday.

Gurniak was left grounded, squealing in pain, as if he were nothing more than a piece of disposable paparazzi trash.

However, he soon got up to file a police report against them with the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department. Spokesman Steve Witmore said:

“The incident is currently under investigation.”

Benji Madden was driving, with Paris in the passenger seat. Gurniak explained exactly what he thought happened:

“There were too many people that side of the car ,so he swung the wheels in my direction on the other side of the car and got my foot trapped under the wheel. I yelled at him, ’Dude, you’ve pinched my foot under the wheel, don’t drive, don’t drive.’ He turned and looked at me out of the window and then just drove. I fell to the floor as the car stopped and was just laying on the floor as everyone was screaming at him that he’d run me over.”

Last year Paris was jailed for violating a drink-driving probation, despite considering herself too pretty to be there in the first place. She behaved so well that she was released early, despite apparently trying to kill herself, as well as receiving death threats.

She surely wants to avoid going through all that again – sitting in the passenger seat is probably a good start.

But that’s not the end of worries; just yesterday she was officially labelled with the blame for the upcoming destruction of humanity in its entirety.

A video of Gurniak screaming in the aftermath has been posted at TMZ, showing the alleged victim’s shoe with a tyre-ish marking on it.

Read More – Hilton accused of hit and run – The Sun

The mystery behind the untimely death of Heath Ledger has now been cleaned up, but there's still just one loose end left.

As everyone knows, Heath Ledger died because of an accidental overdose of prescription drugs – and now an investigation has been launched into the doctors who prescribed those drugs to Heath Ledger.

Needless to say, this investigation won't bring Heath Ledger back, but it might get a couple of doctors struck off, which is the next best thing. Stupid doctors with their 'cures' for all these so-called 'illnesses'. Idiots.

When someone dies – especially when they die in a sudden, untimely way – it's natural to want to blame something. That's why those Australians murdered all those stingrays after one killed Steve Irwin, after all. Well, that and because some people are born so stupid that they should probably be locked in a cupboard for their own safety as much as anyone else's.

And similarly people are on the lookout for someone to focus their anger about Heath Ledger's death on. Heath Ledger's passing was a mystery for weeks – some claimed that it was a deliberate suicide, some claimed that illegal drugs were involved, and some even claimed that it might have been pneumonia.

But all of that was kicked into touch when Heath Ledger's autopsy revealed that he died of an accidental overdose of prescription drugs. And now that's been figured out, the time for bloody-minded vengeance is upon us, with a couple of doctors who may have prescribed the drugs to Heath Ledger being first on the list to cop the blame, as MSNBC reports:

Two doctors are under investigation in connection with prescriptions disbursed to actor Heath Ledger before he died, Access Hollywood has learned. "The investigation is proceeding aggressively and can conclude from as soon as one day or several weeks," a DEA source told Access. According to People magazine, the doctors are located in California and Texas. The source could not confirm to People if any wrongdoing was involved in the investigation, saying, "We don’t know yet. The agents were there this week, and we are waiting to hear from them."

Now nobody should rush to any hasty conclusions here. As much as Donda West's death proved that everyone loves to blame a doctor – and we personally blame doctors for everything from our inability to sleep at night to the way there's never any hot water in our shower – there could be any number of logical explanations as to why these doctors prescribed drugs to Heath Ledger.

Yes, they could just be unscrupulous and unethical abusers of their profession who care about money more than the lives of their patients, but on the other hand, perhaps Heath Ledger genuinely needed all that Oxycontin and Vicodin prescribed to him. Because, you know, if anyone was in need of two different kinds of dangerously addictive and easy to abuse painkillers, it's the star of 10 Things I Hate About You, right?

Read more:

DEA investigating 2 doctors tied to Ledger’s Rx – MSNBC

Although initial reports claimed that Heath Ledger died from a drug overdose – accidental or otherwise – now it appears that they might have been way off the mark.

Because now sources apparently close to the investigation into Heath Ledger's death suspect that he may have died because his heart just stopped. Whether it was a heart attack or something else – or whether these natural death claims are completely inaccurate – remains to be seen. But if it is true, then at least Jack Nicholson was wrong the other day.

And that's always heartwarming news.

There's always such a sudden flurry of speculation whenever something as blindsiding as the untimely death of Heath Ledger that it's hard to unearth any sort of truth. But now, almost a week after Heath Ledger died, things are starting to make themselves a little clearer.

In the wake of his death there were reports that Heath Ledger was suffering from pneumonia – disproved during Heath Ledger's initial autopsy – reports that Heath had deliberately taken his own life because, as claimed by a friend of his, "everything was misery for him," and reports that his death was drug-based but purely accidental. And Jack Nicholson seemed to claim that Heath Ledger took a sleeping pill and drove off a cliff, although who knows what the hell he was banging on about.

But, if the latest news is to believed, each of these theories is completely wrong. According to TMZ, Heath Ledger's death might be put down to natural causes and nothing more:

It's now appearing that the level of toxicity (from medication) in Ledger's system was low enough that it may not have caused his death. These sources say Heath's heart stopped. It could have been a heart attack but it's not certain, at least not yet. Although it's bizarre that a 28-year-old could die of natural causes, it happens.

Now, there still haven't been any official announcements – no toxicology reports revealed and no statements from coroners – but if TMZ's sources are as close to the investigation as they claim to be, then it's definitely an encouraging sign. However, if Heath Ledger's heart did just stop then it will only raise more questions of why? Stress from his insomnia? Was it weakened by the drugs that Heath was claimed to have been addicted to?

Hopefully soon we'll all know for certain.

Read more:

Heath's Death Could Be Natural Causes – TMZ 

Up until recently, Ingrid Marie Rivera was the bravest woman in all the world for the way she fearlessly won the Puerto Rican Miss Universe qualifier despite having her clothes and make-up doused in all sorts of pepper spray.

Except it turns out that she probably didn't. The forensic police investigation into Ingrid Marie Rivera's claims that a rival has sabotaged her efforts to become next year's Miss Universe by dumping a bunch of pepper spray into her belongings has not uncovered a single trace of pepper spray. That means that, if Ingrid Marie Rivera is found to have provided false information to police, she could face a felony charge. But, even worse than that, this news means that the prettiest girl in Puerto Rico now has a face that's naturally very slightly puffy sometimes. How will the country ever recover from a blow like that?

Having seen both Miss Congeniality and, under duress, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed And Fabulous, we feel we're world experts on the inner mechanisms of the beauty pageant scene. For instance, it's a little-known fact that in every beauty competition there's a dowdy-at-heart FBI agent on the trail or a murderer or a terrorist or whatnot who thinks she's far, far funnier than she actually is. But the FBI agent at the recent Puerto Rican Miss Universe qualifier must have been caught napping, because there's been all sorts of nonsense going down there.

You'll remember that last week Ingrid Marie Rivera won the Miss Puerto Rico leg of Miss Universe despite having to run offstage to apply ice to her face every few minutes because someone had sabotaged her clothes and make-up with pepper spray. In a country like Puerto Rico where beauty pageants are taken so seriously that women are often made to wear chains, there was an outcry. Who could have done such a cruel thing to beautiful Ingrid Marie Rivera? Who?

Well, nobody by the look of it. Puerto Rico's Forensic Sciences Institute did a thorough test on Ingrid Marie Rivera's clothes and make-up, and no traces of pepper spray turned up at all. In the words of police spokesman Stephen Alvarez:

"I guess she has a lot of explaining to do."

The pepper spray investigation continues, although the focus has shifted slightly from 'who sabotaged Miss Puerto Rico with pepper spray?' to 'who's been telling us a lot of bloody porkies, then?' If anyone is found to have provided false statements to the police, they could be pulled up on a felony charge.

As yet it isn't clear if the pepper spray story was just an invention by Ingrid Marie Rivera to undermine her opposition – Rivera maintains that she was sabotaged, by the way – but if she is found to have lied, who can blame her? After all, it just goes to show how much Ingrid Marie Rivera wants to be Miss Universe, and everything that goes with it – the humanitarian work, the nagging suspicion that you're undermining the work of the entire feminist movement, all the drugs, booze and sex you can eat, the pretty sash – and if it only takes acting like a paranoid sociopath fantasist to accomplish it, then so be it.

Plus if that's the case, we're a definite shoo-in for next year's Miss Puerto Rico crown. 

Read more:

No Pepper Spray Found in Miss Puerto Rico Investigation - People