Fresh from its victorious sinking of the Tumblr Trawler, Webthump is here to receive your adulation!
Well, not quite. We’ve donned our fisherman’s waders to have a carcinogenic rummage in the foetid, elbow-deep cesspool that is the Internet. All to bring you something to gawp at while fondling your shriveled genitals. We could have been doing something useful with our time, like whittling voodoo dolls of Russell ‘new relationship’ Brand from old lolly sticks.
From the congealed masses of pornography and dead Myspace pages we’ve managed to dredge up a few sparkling gems of entertainment. We’ve brought you 10 of the best, worst and weirdest that mankind’s collective intelligence can vomit up.
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Poor famous people. They get plebs saying nasty things to them, which is of course, completely different to the lives of us normal troglodytes who spend an eternity being thoroughly pleasant to each other, without cross words ever uttered.
One such sad case is Kylie who has had to call the police because someone wrote some nasty words on twitter.
No, honestly.
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Here at hecklerspray we like nothing more than the cold icy crevasse of hard work. Seriously, we don’t even whistle whilst. It really is like we are the cogs in the grinding mechanism of a distribution machine in the factory of universal contribution.
The endearing, eccentric Rhys Ifans kind of ones, obv.
But no, we really appreciate the hard grievous labour of the world of work. Well, we were like that, until we logged on to Twitter, and were immediately diagnosed with the mostly symptomless but ultimately very aggressive form of LOL Addiction that is!
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Pre-determination is something that the same fools who believe in superstition go in for in a big way. You might recognise it as fate or the ‘thundering approach to emotional and financial oblivion’. If you believe in fate then you probably married the first person who ever gave you an orgasm and are now woefully unhappy, only able to console yourself by watching romantic comedies.
Even as you do so, you realise everything seems to work out well for the shining-faced Hollywood elite. That is despite their belief and reliance on exactly the same concept which has led you to a life of raised voices and thinly veiled hatred. Fate worked out okay for them, didn’t it? Why not you?
Anyway, enough about your bitter, twisted existence.
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Alright, another hollerin’ at the back. So then. What the hell is going on here? And why do we still visit this wretched website, and why do our children all live in cabins where they currently do not have phone connections? – We hear you cry! Don’t worry, we’ll give you a leg up.
So, we’ve all had our run-ins with the ol’ Twitter dot com over the past couple of years, haven’t we? O, the scandal that have been caused! O, the incensed exhales we have expended! O, The Macarena! It was all going so well.
Alas as it came to stand, somewhere down the line, the social networking database has met with disaster, and heartache, like in that film The Social Network, about the other social network. Then in came the cruel side of Twitter: The superinjections, the brain of Natalie Cassidy, and of course the having of an Alan Sugar Twitter account.
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These are dark times for that there internet. As the vultures circle around the rotting carcass of the World Wide Web, we disembark our safe harbour to take a tour round the Cape of Good Tumblr. This is The Tumblr Trawler…
Naturally, we’re assuming that some of you have never even seen a Tumblr, let alone know all about the intricate system of interactions and the thought processes which go into making one. Therefore, we make no apologies if you’ve heard of one of these before or even bought their god damn book. Okay?
5. We’ll start this week’s count down with kittens because, if there’s one thing we learned from doing Webthump for all these years, it’s that you lot bloody love a good kitten. So why not take a look at some kittens taking their place in famous album covers. Highlights include ‘Kittenage Fanclub‘, ‘Johnny Cat‘ & ‘Catwerk‘. See them all at The Kitten Covers.
4. We all have family members that we don’t speak to very much because they were clearly dropped on their head as a child but what would happen if you were keeping a note of every text you ever received from them so that you could put it on tumblr. Some might say that you would be a bad person but the person behind Texts from Bennett would probably disagree.
3. At hecklerspray, we have such a high level of job satisfaction that we like nothing more than flicking through page after page of people complaining about their terrible working conditions. Luckily for us (and for you) there’s Please Fire Me. It’s like Post Secret in that people can anonymously tell the site what they hate about their job without fear of getting fired. These are tough economic times and if you have to keep your job despite your co-workers being idiots then look no further. This tumblr’s for you!
2. Are you trying online dating? Finding that it isn’t for you? Have you run into one of these people who are getting it so wrong that it’s not really terribly funny any more? Well, why not have a flick through Messages From Match and see if you don’t appreciate the next person who asks to see a photo of your genitals just that little bit more.
1. This week’s number one was a shoo-in as soon as we saw it. Yr Wifi needs no more introduction than to say it’s a list of amusing, stupid or down-right insulting names for Wifi Hotspots. Read on and be ashamed of your standardised router. Highlights include ‘Pretty Fly for a Wifi‘, ‘I Still Miss Phil Hartman‘ & the frankly brilliant ‘Wu Tang LAN’
Yesterday was great for death. Kim Jong-il (or, as some dumb American said, Kim Jong The Second) shrugged off his mortal coil while elsewhere, rumours floated around about various celebrity deaths!
One such rumour was Brian Harvey (not dead, but can’t be far off) and another was Jon Bon Jovi.
When Jon ‘Bon Jovi’ Bon Jovi heard about his untimely passing, he thought he’d redress the balance by letting everyone know that, regrettably, he was absolutely alive as can be. Alas, for a crime of Christmas in his past (for which we have a video), his death would have restored some balance in the force.
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