OJ Simpson’s Difficult Second Trial has gone to the jury – it’s now down to them to decide whether OJ Simpson did it or didn’t do or killed his wife or whatever.

The closing arguments were a nice reflection on the trial that had just passed – in that they weren’t really as exciting as they could have been and everyone present looked as if they’d rather be anywhere else on Earth. But that’s not what matters. What matters is that soon a jury will finally – finally – make the OJ Simpson trial slightly exciting.

So now we wait. How long will the jury take to decide OJ Simpson’s fate? What will the fate be? How many badly-written OJ Simpson: My Part In His Downfall books will the jurors release between them? Can’t they just hurry up and make a decision? Seriously, we’re losing all sensation in our feet.

In all of history, mean-looking white people have never made a decision as important as this one. And not the decision about whether OJ Simpson burst in on a hotel room with a gang of armed men as part of an armed robbery, or merely burst in on a hotel room with a gang of men who were armed against his knowledge to recover some of his own belongings in a legal yet somewhat heavyhanded transaction.

No, the important decision that the OJ Simpson jury has to reach is this – can they all reach a unanimous verdict as quickly as possible. They really should, you know, because everyone’s bored and autumn’s drawing in and the days are getting shorter and we’ve all got better things to do than watch what’s essentially a version of the plot of the Disney movie Wild Hogs that culminates in an alleged armed robbery.

Honestly, if the OJ Simpson trial has convinced of anything, it’s that we’re never going to pick a bunch of middle-aged men to be our goons in any of our future hotel room raids. First they all stab you in the back and then their litany of cardiac problems mean they’re basically too doddery and confused to actually be of any use to anyone anyway.

But hey, all this is in the hands of the jury now and, as BBC News reports, they’ve been sent away with the same of dreary cack they’ve been listening to for weeks ringing in their ears:

Prosecutor Chris Owens urged the jury to convict Mr Simpson, denouncing him for “arrogance” for thinking he could commit a crime “against the dignity and the peace of the state of Nevada”. “The kind of arrogance… that would make them think they could come in and get away with this kind of crime and that nobody would report it and they thought they could spin it that, ‘It’s all OK; It was my stuff’,” he said.

So we just have to wait and see what happens. But, actually, you know what? We’re probably going to be held in contempt of court for this, but we’d really like it if OJ Simpson was found innocent, please. That’s because we want him to keep releasing several more installments of his hilarious hidden camera pranks show Juiced.

That way, if he really is innocent, he’ll get to keep entertaining the public the way he always wanted to. And if he’s really guilty he’ll get to live the rest of his life knowing that he’s been reduced to churning out piss-weak, zero-budget DVDs that make a mockery of all his prior achievements and that nobody will ever genuinely enjoy. That’s probably worse than prison, to be honest.

There’s a Barenaked Ladies song that goes “If I had $1,000,000/ I’d blow it all on coke/ and maybe a couple of hookers.”

Actually that might not be true – we don’t like Barenaked Ladies nearly enough to listen to one of their terrible songs – but they do have a song called If I Had $1,000,000 and, since the band’s singer Steven Page was arrested for cocaine possession this week, that scenario would probably make the most sense.

Or maybe it wouldn’t, because Barenaked Ladies have posted a message on their website saying that Steven Page will fight his charges to the ends of the Earth. Or until he’s convicted, sent to jail and used as a violent masturbatory tool by the entire prison population as a twisted revenge for his song about Chickedy China The Chinese Chicken. Whichever one happens first, basically.

When it was first announced that Steven Page from Barenaked Ladies had been arrested for cocaine possession, we were a little perplexed. Usually drug-taking in the world of music is synonymous with acid-fried 20-minute psyche-rock freak-jams, not twee little acoustic ditties about relationships that only girls and weirdos like.

But then it all started to become clearer. If you were in Barenaked Ladies, you’d want to be wrecked off your shit on drugs all the time just to numb the pain of your day job, wouldn’t you?

In this respect, Steven Page is lucky that he was only arrested for cocaine possession – most men in his position would be ramming industrial quantities of rhino tranquiliser up their arses 24/7 just to forget that they were responsible for that dreadful One Week song.

But that’s assuming that Steven Page is guilty of cocaine possession, which we shouldn’t do because Steven Page says he is absolutely innocent of everything. According to a statement left on the Barenaked Ladies website:

“Many of you have probably read or heard press accounts about Steven Page’s recent arrest in New York state. Steven has pleaded not guilty to the charges against him and the validity of the charges against Steven will be strongly contested. While this is happening, it’s business as usual for Barenaked Ladies. We will continue to perform and look forward to heading into the studio later this year to record a new album.”

What? Business as usual? Jesus Christ – what needs to happen to get Barenaked Ladies to split up? Alcoholism? Bestiality? Dead prostitutes turning up in their sheds? Just tell us, for the love of god, and we’ll try our hardest to make it happen.

Anyway, at least now that Steven Page has declared his innocence over his arrest, Barenaked Ladies won’t have to worry about people not buying their new kid’s album Snack Time because they’re morally outraged. If they don’t buy it, it’s because it’s really quite rubbish and a waste of their precious wages. Business as usual, then.