Russell Howard must have a terrible time with the ladies, what with him constantly displaying a wandering eye. Have you noticed how it mooches around his skull like a beetle tied to a six inch nail?

Aside from his funny eye and the fact that he’s about as funny as finding a shallow grave, Russell has had a slice of bad news while, ironically, filming his woeful ‘Good News’ show.

Basically, he was taken to hospital last night after breaking fingers. We were hoping that the mafia did it, but sadly, he was horsing around on a chair, rather than cowering under the threat of extermination.

The injury was sustained, according to those good guys at Chortle, during a stunt in which the unfunny-man performed a press-up on a chair.

IS HE GOING TO LOSE HIS HAND AS A RESULT?!

Of course not. Bad things never happen to terrible people. In fact, so gentle is the breakage that he continued filming for 20 minutes and watched edited footage of the show before leaving for hospital.

While in hospital, he probably cracked a few jokes to exhausted hospital staff who invariably wondered if it would be okay to inject him with a syringe full of toilet cleaner.

One of the show’s writers, Karl Minns, confirmed on Twitter:

‘Russell Howard is alive and well, albeit with a busted hand. Have volunteered to punch in his PIN number for him. Now in Rio…’

Hopefully, Howard is now being shot at in a favela if that’s the case.

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For some reason, we’ve credited you slobs with some intelligence. Christ knows why. We’ve read the comments you leave. Either way, some of you ain’t so bad. Some of you have probably only seen Jersey Shore out of morbid curiosity.

If you watched it, you probably thought ‘By Jove! This is faker than Kim Kardashian’s wedding!‘

If you’ve been watching the antics of Snooki & Co, thinking that it’s BLATES REAL (or whatever you wobbling colostomy bags say these days), then we’ve got news for you. And someone with more spare time has made a video which proves it. OKAY?

The scene in question concerns Snooki and Deena having a fight in a bar.

Remember that?

No, not THIS fight involving Snooki…

It’s a different one. That said, the above video looks grimly real. No, this one involved a hissy fit in a bar and it looked for all the world that a bartender lobbed ice at Snooki and Deena which saw them trashing the place.

Have a look.

It’s clearly all bollocks.

Legally, we should say that MTV’s response was “It’s all real, and we couldn’t make this all up.”

You don’t care do you?

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You know Jersey Shore? That’s right – the thing you can blame dreck like Geordie Shore and The Only Way Is Essex on. Well, one of the stars of the show – The Situation – is a monumental penis who has somehow weaselled his way into the VIP section.

So all is well? Not quite.

See, while he’s the star of a hit MTV show, some people aren’t so taken with him. Despite the free advertising that comes with appearing on a widely watched show, Abercrombie & Fitch have posted a statement on their website asking Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino to stop wearing their clothes. That’s how much they hate him.

A&F say:

“We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino’s association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image”

Okay.

“We understand that the show is for entertainment purposes, but believe this association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans.”

Distressing? Really? What kind of simpering, spineless wimp wears Abercrombie & Fitch clothes then? The kind that feel distress when someone they don’t like buys the same clothes as them? Jesus Christ on a bike.

“We have therefore offered a substantial payment to Michael ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino and the producers of MTV’s The Jersey Shore to have the character wear an alternate brand. We have also extended this offer to other members of the cast, and are urgently waiting a response.”

Wait. So A&F are offering money to people to NOT wear their clothes? Can we, the team of ‘spray degenerates, also have money? We’ll accept money to never buy your clothes, even in the past.

Seems like we’ve got an Abercrombie & Fitchuation on our hands.

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Snooki – a cross between a shaved Har Mar Superstar and a tin of off-creosote – is, once again, being filmed for some vapid, gaspingly bad television programme for MTV, the music channel that doesn’t show any music videos.

And while shooting (with cameras, not guns sadly) the fourth season of Jersey Shore this weekend, good ol’ Snooki managed to crash into a police car that was accompanying them, injuring two officers.

The astonishing thing there is, of course, that Snooki has enough faculties to actually have a legal driving license. Beggars belief.

Everyone was in Florence, Italy for the new series, for reasons which are unclear and presumably, of little importance to anyone, including those appearing in the show.

Whatever the reason, Snooki has ended up ramming two cops and now they’re in hospital with minor injuries. Once they heard Snooki talking, they allegedly asked a doctor if they could be given some ‘major injuries’ as life didn’t seem to be worth living anymore, in a world where three-inch tall morons are paraded like stars.

Snooki, not one for being the centre of attention, tried to cover her face as she was questioned about the crash. A crash that, obviously, will feature in the final cut of an episode of Jersey Shore.

And to think that the traffic police vehicle which was hit by Snooki was only travelling with them in order to give the cast and crew the chance to be able to travel around more easily.

Jesus fucking Christ.

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Martha Stewart is an eerie, eerie woman. She’s got that whole, dead-eyed perfect wife thing going on… apart from, y’know, that whole Going To Prison thing. And yet, Americans lap up her brand of perfect homeliness, even though she’s quite obviously a hollow husk of a human.

And so, in a bid to prove that she is indeed a human being, her dog decided to make her bleed real human blood.

How? It didn’t didn’t decide to gently let some blood from her arm and present it to the world’s press in a neat test tube, but rather, it headbutted her so hard that she probably had a moment where she assumed that the animal kingdom was finally turning on us, ready to overthrow our sorry arses.

The 300 year old Stewart address her audience, completely with mashed face with…

“First disfiguring mark on my face. Ay ei ei!”

No. Seriously. That’s what she said. The nutter.

She then went about explaining that, on returning home from a trip to South America, she unpacked and played with her dogs. Due in New York…

“As I leaned down to whisper goodbye to a dozing (French bulldog) Francesca, I must have startled her, because she bolted upright with such force that she hit me in the face like a boxing glove hitting an opponent’s face. I was entirely startled and my neck snapped back. I felt a bit of whiplash as blood gushed forth from my split lip. Frannie was as upset as I was and cowered in her bed”

Rumour has it the dog secretly chuckled to itself like Muttley from Wacky Races after Stewart was taken to hospital.

Despite the mishap, Martha said,

“I looked pretty good for being in terrible agony!”

“I’ll be alright facially … I’m not rushing to get a facelift any time soon!”

Feel free to disagree with her own views on her staring, cold face.

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Presenter, pertrolhead, slipper wearer, tall chap and all round good egg James May has been hospitalised after a severe head injury while filming for Top Gear’s Christmas Special.

The floppy haired one took a tumble while filming Top Gear’s attempt to drive from Baghdad to Bethlehem, presumably an exploding caravan was involved, or an expensive supercar, or something phenomenally fast.  Or maybe just a bit of rope.

Yes, we’ve checked. It was a bit of rope.

The flowery shirted gent was rushed to hospital, given a brain scan, put on a drip and given stitches because he tripped over a rope.

No, wait, we’ve checked that too.  The rope attacked him, and had an accomplice rock.  Captain Slow was involved in some kind of towing manoeuver, attempting to free a car only to find himself becoming a human projectile;

“I stood in the line of where the tow rope went taut. I told the driver to move off and became part of a giant catapult.”

There are pictures out there of this wipeout.  But they do look as though May is pulling a truck up a hill using nothing but a very long foreskin. On Mars. Which would just be silly.

Of course, this isn’t the first time this sort of thing has happened to a Top Gear presenter. Injuries, not using genitals to hoist vehicles on other planets, that is.

Remember Richard Hammond’s spectacular, skull busting crash in a 300mph jet car? You do? Good, because he doesn’t.  His brain fell out.

We’re not even going to bother checking that.  The point it May’s injuries were tiny in comparison.  Hammond’s injuries were devastating.  May’s were, well, less impressive;

“There was a lot of blood. It was all very worrying.”

But he still went to hospital, just to be safe.  And make sure his brain hadn’t fallen out;

“They gave me a brain scan, but to be honest I think the Syrians were just excited to be able to use their new scanner.”

May was jolly brave about it all and even had enough manners left to not cause a scene, after all his chums have had worse.  Hey what;

“I don’t want to pretend I had an accident as bad as Hammond. He bashed his head on the whole of Yorkshire. I just hit mine on a stone.”

So there you have it.  If you are a moderately famous Englishman with a taste for hideous shirts, constant references to “giving Jerry a good licking” and silly hair; go to Baghdad.  Apparently it’s perfectly safe as long as you don’t go near ropes.

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When Kim Kardashian was voted off Dancing With The Stars last week, the message was clear – Kim, your sex tapes are OK, but your dancing is bum.

However, there’s a sliver of a chance that we haven’t seen the last of Kim Kardashian on Dancing With The Stars yet, and it’s all down to Misty May-Treanor‘s knackered Achilles tendon. Now that May-Treanor’s out of Dancing With The Stars, Kim Kardashian is said to be awaiting her callback.

And quite right – Kim’s already been voted off Dancing With The Stars once, so her inevitably swift second elimination will just reaffirm how little America cares for her. But if she got a third call-up after that we’d worry – we get the feeling that only a marching band playing a tune called Nobody Likes You Kim and a firework display in the shape of a frown would make Kim Karadashian understand how people feel about her.

Ballroom dancing, let’s face it, is easy. All you need to do is fake a small amount of affection for your partner and then spin around for a bit pulling a face like there’s a disgusting dirty orphan pulling at your trouser leg asking for money. Anyone can do it. OK, anyone except for Gary Rhodes. And Misty-May-Treanor, for that matter.

Despite being a two-time Olympic beach volleyball champion – and therefore being in possession of as much athleticism as it takes to stand around on some sand playing an inscrutably complex game with a bit of string wedged between your arse – Misty May-Treanor was forced to quit Dancing With The Stars this week because she snapped her Achilles tendon, or something equally gruesome-sounding.

But, then, you know what they say – if participating in a lonely masturbation fantasy loosely disguised as a sport doesn’t get you, then participating in a lonely masturbation fantasy loosely disguised as a reality TV show will.

But, anyway, with Misty May-Treanor out of Dancing With The Stars, that leaves the show a dancer down. And who better to fill her spot than Kim Kardashian, a woman who’s already been judged to be worse than terrible at dancing?

And, really, Kim Kardashian is completely ready to return to Dancing With The Stars. Because, you know, otherwise she’d only spend her time having it off with men and filming it for the internet, and we all know how dull the results of that can be. So, speaking to Ryan Seacrest on his radio show, Kim Kardashian laid out her masterplan:

“If they ask me to, I’m available. I’m back home tomorrow. We’ll see!”

That seems to be a solid enough plan to us – 13 words of badly-defined, noncommittal murmuring. She’s in, folks!

Or, more likely, she’s not. If Dancing With The Stars let Kim Kardashian back, then it’d probably have to refund all the money to everyone who voted for her to be eliminated first time round. And, really, that’s a lot of money. Kim Kardashian was quite awful.

So expect a polite thanks but no thanks from Dancing With The Stars to Kim Kardashian’s offer. But another bitter rejection won’t destroy Kim’s love of dance – she’ll continue to dance in private.

Well, we say ‘in private’. Chances are she’ll film all the dancing and put it on the internet for her fans to download. And we say ‘dancing’ – we actually mean ‘having sex with men.’ Basically, Kim Kardashian’s going to have sex with some men and put it on the internet. That’s close enough, right?