News has reached us here at hecklerspray of a really tragic event that should highlight age issues throughout our society. For too long people have gone about their daily lives, scarcely giving a thought to the older people in our society, people who are too old and frail to care for themselves properly.

As the economic slump continues and people find it just too damned expensive to squeeze out babies like they’re going out of fashion, the world’s population will continue to get older and it is to our older friends and neighbours that we must look to and offer a helping hand in their hour of need.

It’s news like this that really hammers that fact home.

Yes, we are loathe to report to you that 63 year old Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler has taken a “nasty fall” in the shower and has been rushed to hospital.

Little is known of his current condition but it has been suggested that the American Idol judge escaped with only a few broken teeth with doctors claiming that his injuries could have been much worse if his lips hadn’t cushioned the fall. hecklerspray is thankful that this elder statesman is due to make a full, toothy recovery.

Unfortunately, the Aerosmith representative that we didn’t speak to was unable to give us any more information on the older gentleman’s condition but did suggest that he may have to use a wheelchair as part of a publicity stunt.

Please folks. Hug a pensioner. Unless they’re off their tits on smack, obviously.

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Ah, Courtney Love. What would we do without you. When things get a little too much for us to bear, we just take one look at your increasingly peculiar face and think to ourselves: ‘At least things aren’t as bad as that.’

The Former Mrs Cobain has, for some reason, taken it upon herself to become the Grunge Joan Rivers, despite the fact that precisely no-one actually asked for it.

And now, humble Courtney is getting out her crayons and starting work on her autobiography which will be a gentle, thoughtful read, sensitively looking back on her life with a suicidal husband who took loads of bad drugs, as well as her fondness for jacking up on bad shit while having sex with a variety of rock singers.

The Hole frontwoman has just signed a book deal and of course, there’s a good chance that her biog will be a hilarious read for anyone brave enough to actually pick the damn thing up.

Lynn Grady, the poor woman tasked with editing the book, says:

“Courtney is one of the most fascinating and provocative artists of our time, one of those rare performers who continues to reinvent herself time and again throughout the arc of her career”.

Reinvent? Let us think.

She went from car-crash singer to car-crash widow… then she was a car-crash actress who then became a car-crash car-crash. Oh, and she repeatedly accidentally posted naked photos of herself on twitter.

On that score, anyone who has actually read any of Courtney Love’s various twitter feeds will know the gargantuan task that lies ahead for anyone editing this tome.

Let us hope she’s mental enough to talk about the strained relationship between herself and estranged daughter, Frances.

The madness is unleashed in 2012.

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Mr. Bean  is always getting into scrapes isn’t he? Remember that thing he did and it was really funny? He made that funny ‘dawp’ noise? Well, even though he’s not on television anymore, he’s still at it, this time, crashing a high performance sports vehicle!

What a japester!

He’s crashed it in such a hilarious manner that he’s had to go to hospital. The doctors and nurses must be gathered around his hilarious frame, beside themselves with mirth as he tries to form basic vowel sounds to relay the fact he’s in crippling pain. Oh how we wish we could be there! It’s probably the funniest thing happening on Earth right now! This is nearly as funny as when Rick from The Young Ones had a quad land on his head!

Of course, Mr Bean is going to be fine. He’s indestructible isn’t he? Like Frank Spencer from Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em.

Basically, after the nurses have stopped laughing their gussets moist, he’ll be allowed back on the streets (Friday apparently) with a hilariously injured shoulder.

Very amused police and firefighters stumbled to the aid of Mr Bean as he lay motionless in his McLaren F1 supercar in a way which is said to have made one fireman have a hernia with laughing.

With perfect comedy timing, Mr Bean’s car struck a tree. Then a lamppost. Then caught fire.

Eyewitnesses were said to be hugely thankful for this outrageous comedy sketch as, collectively, they had been having ‘a bit of a lousy week with work and all that’.

Mr Bean has no comment at the moment, because he can’t speak and we can’t hear for laughing so hard.

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Courtney Love isn’t someone you’d trust to look after themselves would you? If you were a pal of hers (surely she has some friends), you’d worry if she planned to cross the street by herself. She certainly can’t be trusted to not tweet harrowing naked self-shots to the world.

Alas, her entire value on the celebrity circuit seems to be that of irritating estate of Kurt Cobain’s cadaver and general gossip about who she’s had sex with, and general tragic trainwreck.

All this combined, it isn’t surprising that she’s injured herself while setting her New York home on fire, which can’t be the first time its happened because her face suggests that she’s been stood near too many naked flames, leaving her rubbery faced warped like a figure of Adam of Eternia under a magnifying glass.

Firefighters were called to the former Hole after they received notification that her West Village home was ablaze. Apparently, three of the firemen broke down in tears when they found Love, with one of them suggesting they’d have to identify her by dental records.

The fire crew fainted in astonishment when the corpse kicked into yet another anecdote about Nirvana and Cobain being legendary in the sack. It was then they all realised that Love had actually chosen to look a withered turnip.

So what caused the fire? It appears that the fire was started by stupidity. It would seem that Courtney left a candle next to some billowing curtains in Love’s bedroom. We shudder to think what she had planned which would require the singer to light some candles in the boudoir.

Either way, any lusty yearnings were soon scotched as the curtains went up in flames, seeing Love trying to put them out herself, injuring her horribly distorted body in the process.

What have we learned? Well, hecklerspray‘s safety message is as follows: Don’t leave naked flames unattended near flammable objects and absolutely don’t, under any circumstances, go to Courtney Love’s house. Ever. Ever ever ever.

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Duane Chapman, also known as Dog The Bounty Hunter is a man with a fine head of hair on him. He’s a man who watched WWE wrestling and picked up style tips without even the vaguest trace of irony. He’s a hardman who looks like a stupid idiot.

In fairness, Dog is a staggering fool.

Why? Well, Dog was taken to UCLA Medical Center where he was treated for internal bleeding. Sounds like the sort of thing a hard nut should be dealing with, right? Well, unfortunately for Duane, he got a really cool injury in the lamest way possible.

Dog’s hilarious looking wife – Beth – posted a statement on Dog’s official website, saying:

“He was admitted for tests for a possible blood clot following an injury he suffered on a bounty hunt. Duane is in very capable hands and and we thank everyone for their prayers.”

This morning, Beth tweeted:

“Yes dog is injured it is an occupational hazard that we deal with he is very strong and in excellent condition he will 4 sure survive.”

So was Dog stabbed by a madman he was chasing? Are his lungs filling up with righteous blood after being shot at by a gang of escaped convicts?

No.

Dog was admitted for tests for a potential blood clot in his leg after he was injured on a bounty hunt whilst kicking a door in. That’s right. A door which totally didn’t attack him back.

However, gore whores, you’ll be thrilled to know that the muscle in his leg separated from the bone which caused the internal bleeding.

That’s a nice image isn’t it? That said, we don’t care as much as we once would have, thanks to him repeatedly opening and closing his mouth and saying a really racist word.

What an idiot. We were ready to love you Dog, and you went and said a load of really dumb shit.

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Aretha Franklin (real name The GZA) has had to cancel shows after she broke a couple of ribs in a fall at her house. Hands up if you immediately thought about the kind of ribs you eat. Yes, she has put a bit of weight on over the years hasn’t she? Mercifully, we love her for her talents though and… well… no, she hasn’t released a good record in years. We still love her, right?

Anyway, the Queen of Soul has been advised by doctors to undergo further medical tests and generally not do any singing.

In that time, she can sit around and think about how weird it is that a recent gig saw her joined on stage by former US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. Rice’s job was to play piano and, as ever, look dead behind the eyes.

In a statement to The Detroit News, she said she was “very much looking forward to being in Brooklyn and having a foot-long hot dog at Coney Island”.

Franklin had been due to perform on Monday and Thursday next week and had also been scheduled to appear at a private birthday party.

How do you book Aretha Franklin for a birthday party? Hecklerspray had Dustin Gee perform a dance for us when we turned 5 (there’s a video of our celebrations here).

Anyway, here’s a video to remind us all why Aretha Franklin is so ace (not that anyone needed reminding). Get well soon Aretha!

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The sacrifices that David Copperfield has made for magic are huge – it’s meant that nobody can really trust him or his stupid haircut.

But, as great as those sacrifices are, they’re nothing compared to the sacrifice made by David Copperfield’s stagehand on Wednesday – he got sucked into a giant fan, broke his arm in three places and badly mangled his face up.

Still, at least David Copperfield was decent enough to visit the stagehand in hospital with a gift – a children’s magic set. Ah, all the fun of magic but with none of the screaming fear of death. What a gent!

Performers, when will you learn – Las Vegas hates you. We’re being serious. It actually hates you. Look at Toni Braxton – she went to Las Vegas and ended up getting a chronic heart condition. And look at Suge Knight‘s girlfriend – she went to Las Vegas and ended up getting repeatedly punched in the head by Suge Knight. And look at Siegfried And Roy – they went to Las Vegas and one of them ended up getting mauled by the giant white tiger that they let roam around freely with them all the time.

And that goes double for David Copperfield. He went to Las Vegas and what did he get? An FBI investigation into a series of alleged rapes. Oh, and – more relevantly – a stagehand who buggered himself up in a fan quite badly.

On Wednesday night during his Las Vegas revue, David Copperfield attempted a trick called The Fan – one that he’s performed hundreds of times in the past without a hitch. Here’s what the trick is supposed to look like…

And on Wednesday it looked exactly the same, expect a) David Copperfield’s hair is a different kind of bad now, b) Oprah Winfrey wasn’t staring at him like he was a big fat ham and c) at some point while David Copperfield was titting around with his billowy lady friend, there was probably a noise that sounded a bit like “Wait, christ OH JESUS NO MY ARM! OW! MY ARM AGAIN! AND OW AGAIN ON MY ARM NO NO NOT THE FACE NOT THE FACZZZZUGHHHARGH!”

Because that’s when David Copperfield’s stagehand Brandon was sucked into the fan, shattering his arm in three places and heavily lacerating his face. Obviously the show was immediately stopped and Brandon was hospitalised for his serious injuries. But at least David Copperfield didn’t act like a massive dick afterwards, did he, E! Online?

“Many people assume that the death-defying illusions I do onstage are not dangerous,” Copperfield said. “This unfortunate accident shows that couldn’t be further from the truth, and we’re just thankful Brandon’s injuries weren’t worse.” To show just how thankful he was, Copperfield paid a conciliatory visit to Brandon to give him what every post-op patient most hopes for: a children’s magic set.

A children’s magic set. What a sweet and completely cost-equivalent gift to give a man who’d just been mutilated by the metal blades of a 12-foot industrial fan.

Really, it’s lovely of David Copperfield to present his injured stagehand with a gift that will most closely remind him of the violent trauma he’s just been through. Maybe the hospital gift store didn’t have David Copperfield’s first choice of gift in stock – a miniature 12-foot fan that, when switched on, emits a sound that alternates between agonised screaming and a group of cackling children.

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Sad news- in fact, this is probably the saddest news about one of Jessica Simpson’s hairdressers that we’ve heard in over a month.

We can hardly bring ourselves to tell you this, but here goes – on Saturday night, Jessica Simpson’s hairdresser Ken Paves got caught in the middle of a paparazzi crush while out with Simpson, and ended up bleeding out of his face a little bit because he got socked with a camera.

This incident is a sign that the war between celebrities and the paparazzi has just taken a turn for the worse. Jessica Simpson’s hairdresser getting donked in the face is how it begins, but we dread to think what’ll come next. Lindsay Lohan‘s manicurist getting kicked in the shins? The little old lady who Ryan Seacrest employs to water his plants getting a nasty Chinese burn and a wedgie? Where will the madness end? WHERE?

You know what Jessica Simpson would be without her hair? A bald bloke with big tits, that’s what. That’s why wherever Jessica Simpson goes, she’s followed by Ken Paves.

Ken Paves is the man who not only taught Jessica Simpson that having hair that flicks out wildly like Farah Fawcett‘s Basset Hound operating a Van de Graaff Generator can draw attention away from her massive jaw, but also potentially knows the secret to bulletproof hair. And because of this, Jessica Simpson and Ken Paves have become firm friends.

How firm? Firm enough for Ken to take a camera in the face to protect Jessica. That’s what happened on Saturday night anyway when, following paparazzi scuffles featuring everyone from Pierce Brosnan to Kanye West, Ken Paves was left horribly injured by some photographers. The LA Times reports:

Jess’ mane man was leading his  star client out of the restaurant, when the cameramen closed in… One guy hit Ken near his eye with a part of a camera. Blood trickling down his face, Ken still managed to get Jess inside their waiting ride.

Judging by that account, the injury to Ken Paves seems like it could have been a genuine accident. After all, if you were paid to take photos of the world’s biggest stars, you’d carelessly bundle forward regardless of casualties if you saw the star of Blonde Ambition and one slightly underwhelming country album too, wouldn’t you?

On the other hand, this injury to Ken Paves might have been cruelly premeditated, and for good reason. After all, Ken Paves is responsible for the hair of several Hollywood stars, and if he suddenly got injured, they’d all start going out in public looking bedraggled. That equals better pictures – and therefore more money – for the paparazzi.

It’s true – just look at Britney Spears. The paparazzi made the most cash from Britney Spears when she looked her worst. And why did she look her worst? Because she sacked Ken Paves. And now that Ken has a tiny gash under one of his eyes, we can expect Jessica Simpson to go through a similarly horrifying transformation.

That’s right – she’s going to go from a woman who looks like a radioactive transvestite to a woman who looks like a radioactive transvestite with slightly scruffy hair. How dreadful.

We’ve missed Phil Spector. Like many people we see him as the lesbian-haired wobbly old uncle who nobody trusts around women that we never had.

And that’s why we should all be greeting the retrial of Phil Spector over the alleged murder of Lana Clarkson like the celebration it is. For the next few months we get to go over all of Phil Spector’s greatest hits – the funny hair, the driver who he apparently confessed the murder to, the endless scientific discussions about bullet trajectory, the funny hair. The funny hair. And that all starts right now.

Well, OK, not right now. The second crack at the Phil Spector murder trial was set to begin yesterday, but it couldn’t because a juror fell over in the car park and broke his foot, forcing a postponement. Remember that if Phil Spector is found guilty of murder he’ll be given life in jail. So probably about a fortnight at this rate.

Ever since the Phil Spector murder trial collapsed in on itself last year, we’ve felt like a part of us was missing. You know, the scary part with the terrible hair, the voice that sounds like an ancient version of Sylvester The Cat having a stroke and the unsettling tendency to point guns at women.

We’ve been engulfed in a wave of uncertainty ever since. Did Phil Spector shoot Lana Clarkson in the face because she wouldn’t sleep with him? Did Lana Clarkson kill herself because she was depressed? Could Phil Spector’s haircuts physically get any gayer? Do we really have to go through everything again?

Apparently we do. It’s been just over a year since the Phil Spector murder trial ended with a deadlocked jury, and the time inbetween has been spent regrouping for the retrial. Both the prosecution and the defence have hunkered down, reflected on their respective weaknesses and assessed where to go in for the kill next time around.

And since yesterday was the first day of the Phil Spector murder trial redux, we were eager to see what had changed. Had Phil Spector’s choice to pick a more streamlined defence been a wise one? Has he finally worked out a decent response for that time he said that all women were ‘fucking cunts’ who deserved to be shot in the head? Would his decision to grow a new haircut that makes him look like Liam Gallagher in a rainstorm win him support, or yet more mockery?

The truth is, we just don’t know – apart from the last one, obviously (the answer is ‘yet more mockery’) – because on the way into the court to start the first day of the new Phil Spector murder trial, one of the jurors tripped over and broke his foot. The Press Association reports:

Music producer Phil Spector’s murder retrial was held up on its first day after a juror fell in the court car park and broke his foot. Superior Court Judge Larry Fidler said he spoke to the juror, who wanted to get medical attention and return on Monday.

It’s frustrating, we know, but both sides of this case now have a perfect opportunity to take this weekend to really intensify their courtroom tactics. The prosecution will no doubt be redoubling its efforts to claim that women don’t just shoot themselves in the face in the doorway of a sexually-aggressive midget’s house without taking their handbags off first.

And as for Phil Spector’s defence? Well, it won’t exactly hurt to make his hair a little bit more lesbiany again. It’s what the people want.

There’s this great scene in the Transformers 2 script where Shia LaBeouf defeats Megatron forever by sewing a complex embroidery of a kitten in a sock.

But don’t expect it to show up in the finished movie, because Shia LaBeouf knackered his hand up something rotten in the drunken car crash that he was arrested for this weekend, and it’s ruled him out of any embroidery action – complex or otherwise – for the foreseeable.

Thanks to the extensive hand surgery he’s received in light of the crash, Shia LaBeouf is taking a month away from the production Transformers 2 to recover. But after that, the injuries won’t affect any of Shia LaBeouf’s other upcoming films, like The Spectacular Adventures Of Deformed Claw-Boy and Butchered Useless Finger-Stump: The Musical. Phew.

We’ve had our doubts in the past, but now we’re completely certain that humanity is ruled by an almighty God figure. Just look at Shia LaBeouf, for example. Shia’s been arrested on suspicion of drunkenly flipping his truck after a night out in Hollywood; a misdemeanor charge that’ll probably see him slapped on the wrists and sent home. But God has a far scarier punishment in mind for Shia.

You see, Shia LaBeouf is currently filming Transformers 2 with world’s sexiest woman Megan Fox. So God made sure that Shia LaBeouf’s hand was ruined in the crash, thereby disabling Shia’s ability to rush off to his trailer and masturbate frantically over the mental image of Megan Fox in little tiny hotpants. For, lo, he is a vengeful God.

Anyway, the point is that Shia LaBeouf mangled his hand up horribly in his drunken car crash and, although he’s received extensive surgery to get it back to normal, the injuries have effectively handed Shia a sicknote to keep him away from the Transformers 2 set for a month. The New York Daily News reports:

His reps say he’ll that much time to heal the mangled mitt he received when his truck smashed into another vehicle and rolled across a West Hollywood intersection around 2:30 a.m. Sunday. “Shia is currently recovering from extensive hand surgery with plans to return to work on the set of Transformers 2 within one month,” a statement from LaBeouf’s publicist and lawyers said.

This is yet another setback for the production of Transformers 2. Not only has Shia LaBeouf’s arrest and surgery jeopardised the future of the movie, but it was recently reported that Megan Fox wasn’t fat enough for her role either. Also, Grimlock is refusing to come out of his trailer because he thinks that Scorponok is getting preferential treatment and, oh, it’s a nightmare. Thank heavens for John Turturro, that’s all we can say. That man is a rock.

But Shia LaBeouf’s layoff has deeper implications for Transformers 2, though, because the time off might cause him to slip out of character somewhat. It takes months of preparation to play a generic teen who hangs around giant incontinent robots who speak in a slightly offensive variation of Ebonics. Remember that.

If Hulk Hogan was your Dad, you'd probably rebel a little bit, mostly because you'd be sick of Hulk Hogan picking you up from parties and ripping his flimsy T-shirt off in front of everyone while feigning deafness in an exaggerated way.

So who can blame Hulk Hogan's son Nick Bollea for going off the rails a little bit? After all, Nick's just doing what normal teenagers do, pushing at the boundaries by occasionally drinking or getting interested in girls or… what's that? Nick Bollea rebelled by racing his Toyota at high speed on a wet road, flipping it into a tree-trunk and critically injuring his passenger? OK, admittedly that's something that a slightly smaller amount of teenagers do.

Anyway, long story short – Nick Bollea has been arrested for the crash and Hulk Hogan isn't very happy about it, so police should probably watch out for a bald geriatric man with ridiculous facial hair shouting "Whatcha gonna do?" at them until he gets tired and needs to sit down sometime soon.

Really this should be the happiest time of Hulk Hogan's life. After all, he's avoided the old wrestler fate of murdering his wife and children before committing suicide and found a new level of fame by starring in Hogan Knows Best and getting to present the new series of American Gladiators – but thanks to Hulk Hogan's son Nick Bollea, things aren't so rosy.

Because while 17-year-old Nick Bollea hasn't inherited his father's premature balding or weirdly saveloy-style arms, but he does seem to have inherited Hulk's need for danger. And this is something that manifested itself tragically on August 26 when Nick Hogan flipped his Toyota on a wet road and collided with a palm tree, a crash so serious that his passenger John Graziano will need to be cared for in a nursing home for the rest of his life.

And now police have decided that Nick Bollea's crash was enough to warrant an arrest for reckless driving involving serious bodily injury, and for Nick to be tried as an adult. The arrest prompted this statement from Hulk Hogan's lawyer:

"Nick and the entire 'Hogan' Bollea family are saddened that criminal charges have been filed in regards to the tragic single car accident on August 26, 2007. The family's primary focus and concern still remains for the continued recovery of Nick's longtime friend John Graziano. The Bolleas will also continue to stand by the Graziano family and help them in any way they can. The tragedy to both families is compounded by the fact that unfortunately John was not wearing his seatbelt. Thankfully, Nick was wearing his. Because of what happened to John, the entire Bollea family will make it a priority to increase public awareness about the importance of always wearing your seatbelt."

Much of the ensuing trial will focus on the speed at which Nick Bollea was driving and the conditions of the road at the time. Should it be proved that Nick's speeding caused the crash, there's a very strong chance that he'll be dealt some severe punishment.

But, aside from the arrest, possible jail sentence and crippling lifelong guilt at knowing that he's put a friend in a care home for the rest of his life, Nick Bollea should probably look on the bright side. After all, in terms of twattish celebrity offspring behaviour, flipping a car into the side of a tree must put Nick at least level with Rod Stewart's son now. And that's reason to be proud indeed.