Injured - HecklerSpray

Older Gentleman Falls In Shower: The Rise & Fall Of Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler

October 26th, 2011 By Michael Park

News has reached us here at hecklerspray of a really tragic event that should highlight age issues throughout our society. For too long people have gone about their daily lives, scarcely giving a thought to the older people in our society, people who are too old and frail to care for themselves properly.

As the economic slump continues and people find it just too damned expensive to squeeze out babies like they’re going out of fashion, the world’s population will continue to get older and it is to our older friends and neighbours that we must look to and offer a helping hand in their hour of need.

It’s news like this that really hammers that fact home.

Courtney Love To Pen Understated, Kind, Honest Autobiography

September 30th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Ah, Courtney Love. What would we do without you. When things get a little too much for us to bear, we just take one look at your increasingly peculiar face and think to ourselves: ‘At least things aren’t as bad as that.’

The Former Mrs Cobain has, for some reason, taken it upon herself to become the Grunge Joan Rivers, despite the fact that precisely no-one actually asked for it.

And now, humble Courtney is getting out her crayons and starting work on her autobiography which will be a gentle, thoughtful read, sensitively looking back on her life with a suicidal husband who took loads of bad drugs, as well as her fondness for jacking up on bad shit while having sex with a variety of rock singers.

Mr Bean Crashes Supercar And Ends Up In Hospital Which Was Probably Really Funny

August 5th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Mr. Bean? is always getting into scrapes isn’t he? Remember that thing he did and it was really funny? He made that funny ‘dawp’ noise? Well, even though he’s not on television anymore, he’s still at it, this time, crashing a high performance sports vehicle!

What a japester!

He’s crashed it in such a hilarious manner that he’s had to go to hospital. The doctors and nurses must be gathered around his hilarious frame, beside themselves with mirth as he tries to form basic vowel sounds to relay the fact he’s in crippling pain. Oh how we wish we could be there! It’s probably the funniest thing happening on Earth right now! This is nearly as funny as when Rick from The Young Ones had a quad land on his head!

Courtney Love Burned In House Fire, Which Is Presumably Why She Looks Like A Melted Star Wars Figure These Days

June 24th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Courtney Love isn’t someone you’d trust to look after themselves would you? If you were a pal of hers (surely she has some friends), you’d worry if she planned to cross the street by herself. She certainly can’t be trusted to not tweet harrowing naked self-shots to the world.

Alas, her entire value on the celebrity circuit seems to be that of irritating estate of Kurt Cobain’s cadaver and general gossip about who she’s had sex with, and general tragic trainwreck.

All this combined, it isn’t surprising that she’s injured herself while setting her New York home on fire, which can’t be the first time its happened because her face suggests that she’s been stood near too many naked flames, leaving her rubbery faced warped like a figure of Adam of Eternia under a magnifying glass.

Dog The Bounty Hunter Gets Impressive Injury In A Rubbish Way And Bleeds In Hospital

October 4th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Duane Chapman, also known as Dog The Bounty Hunter is a man with a fine head of hair on him. He’s a man who watched WWE wrestling and picked up style tips without even the vaguest trace of irony. He’s a hardman who looks like a stupid idiot.

In fairness, Dog is a staggering fool.

Why? Well, Dog was taken to UCLA Medical Center where he was treated for internal bleeding. Sounds like the sort of thing a hard nut should be dealing with, right? Well, unfortunately for Duane, he got a really cool injury in the lamest way possible.

Aretha Franklin Breaks Ribs

August 4th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Aretha Franklin (real name The GZA) has had to cancel shows after she broke a couple of ribs in a fall at her house. Hands up if you immediately thought about the kind of ribs you eat. Yes, she has put a bit of weight on over the years hasn’t she? Mercifully, we love her for her talents though and… well… no, she hasn’t released a good record in years. We still love her, right?

Anyway, the Queen of Soul has been advised by doctors to undergo further medical tests and generally not do any singing.

In that time, she can sit around and think about how weird it is that a recent gig saw her joined on stage by former US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. Rice’s job was to play piano and, as ever, look dead behind the eyes.

David Copperfield Knackers His Stagehand Up Something Proper

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The sacrifices that David Copperfield has made for magic are huge – it’s meant that nobody can really trust him or his stupid haircut.

But, as great as those sacrifices are, they’re nothing compared to the sacrifice made by David Copperfield’s stagehand on Wednesday – he got sucked into a giant fan, broke his arm in three places and badly mangled his face up.

Still, at least David Copperfield was decent enough to visit the stagehand in hospital with a gift – a children’s magic set. Ah, all the fun of magic but with none of the screaming fear of death. What a gent!

No! Jessica Simpson’s Hairdresser Slightly Injured By A Camera

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Sad news- in fact, this is probably the saddest news about one of Jessica Simpson’s hairdressers that we’ve heard in over a month.

We can hardly bring ourselves to tell you this, but here goes – on Saturday night, Jessica Simpson’s hairdresser Ken Paves got caught in the middle of a paparazzi crush while out with Simpson, and ended up bleeding out of his face a little bit because he got socked with a camera.

This incident is a sign that the war between celebrities and the paparazzi has just taken a turn for the worse. Jessica Simpson’s hairdresser getting donked in the face is how it begins, but we dread to think what’ll come next. Lindsay Lohan‘s manicurist getting kicked in the shins? The little old lady who Ryan Seacrest employs to water his plants getting a nasty Chinese burn and a wedgie? Where will the madness end? WHERE?

Phil Spector Murder Trial Redux: Injured Juror, Hold Your Horses

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We’ve missed Phil Spector. Like many people we see him as the lesbian-haired wobbly old uncle who nobody trusts around women that we never had.

And that’s why we should all be greeting the retrial of Phil Spector over the alleged murder of Lana Clarkson like the celebration it is. For the next few months we get to go over all of Phil Spector’s greatest hits – the funny hair, the driver who he apparently confessed the murder to, the endless scientific discussions about bullet trajectory, the funny hair. The funny hair. And that all starts right now.

Well, OK, not right now. The second crack at the Phil Spector murder trial was set to begin yesterday, but it couldn’t because a juror fell over in the car park and broke his foot, forcing a postponement. Remember that if Phil Spector is found guilty of murder he’ll be given life in jail. So probably about a fortnight at this rate.

Shia LaBeouf’s Drunken Mangled Hand Keeps Him Off Transformers 2

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

There’s this great scene in the Transformers 2 script where Shia LaBeouf defeats Megatron forever by sewing a complex embroidery of a kitten in a sock.

But don’t expect it to show up in the finished movie, because Shia LaBeouf knackered his hand up something rotten in the drunken car crash that he was arrested for this weekend, and it’s ruled him out of any embroidery action – complex or otherwise – for the foreseeable.

Thanks to the extensive hand surgery he’s received in light of the crash, Shia LaBeouf is taking a month away from the production Transformers 2 to recover. But after that, the injuries won’t affect any of Shia LaBeouf’s other upcoming films, like The Spectacular Adventures Of Deformed Claw-Boy and Butchered Useless Finger-Stump: The Musical. Phew.