You can say a lot of things about Quentin Tarantino – mainly about his great big stupid chin if you like – but don’t say he never learns.

Remember Valkerie, the movie where Tom Cruise tries to kill Hitler but bollocks it all up? Not a great big hit at the weekend box office. But Inglourious Basterds, the movie where Brad Pitt tries to kill Hitler and then does, is a super duper number one hit at the weekend box office.

Or maybe it’s because everyone really wanted to see what Eli Roth is like as an actor. No? No, we didn’t think so either.

Inglourious Basterds is the new number one movie at the weekend box office, and presumably that’s because it contains a perfect storm of ingredients – Brad Pitt’s box office pull, Quentin Tarantino’s visual flair, the average hecklerspray commenter’s gross inability to spell two simple words correctly and utter, utter mind-bending boredom. Yes, that’s probably it. Anyway, here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - Inglourious Basterds (Wow, it looks like deliberate misspelling is the hot new craze at the moment. Let’s try it – Inglourious Basterds iz a pyle off furkken shet. Hey, it’s fun!) $32,602.000

2 - District 9 (Peter Jackson had a hand in producing this. It’s hard to tell though, because nobody who’s seen it has lapsed into a tedium-induced coma three and a half hours into it yet) $18,900,000

3 - GI Joe: Rise Of Cobra (Again, we really must state that – despite the suggestive title - GI Joe: Rise Of Cobra isn’t a porn movie. Sienna Miller doesn’t make porn movies. She probably will in a few years to fund the drug addiction she’ll develop when she realises that starring in a hokey second-rate action film about some toys is as good as her career will ever get, but she doesn’t yet) $12,500,000

4 - The Time Traveler’s Wife (Soon to be made into a TV show, if reports are to be believed. Presumably it’ll be just like Quantum Leap, only for shitheads) $10,025,000

5 - Julie & Julia (You know what’d be funny? If Julie & Julia starred Julie Andrews and Julia Roberts. Or Julie Martin from Neighbours in the mid-1990s and the Beatles song Julia. Or bloody something) $9,000,000

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Thumbs up and down for this week.

Folded:

• Inglourious Basterds (nothing like you’re expecting)
• World’s Strongest Man on Fiver (ever seen a human being go pop before? Well, you might on here)
• Revisit Dance Wiv Me (a year on and the video is still hilarious: Dizzee Rascal at the school disco, Calvin Harris as the trendy sixth form tutor behind the bar. All that’s missing is Dizzee’s dad showing up and dragging him home for not loading the dishwasher)
• Linen (best fabric ever. You can sit around in it all day; it’s supposed to be creased)
• Rick Edwards (okay we got it wrong before, this guy is pretty funny)

Creased:

• Inglourious Basterds (nothing like you’re expecting)
• Evacuate The Dancefloor by Cascada (‘evacuate’ should never be in any song. It makes you think of evacuating your bowels. No-one wants to do that when they’re dancing)
• Processed meat (this week’s cancer giver. Guess that means those of us who grew up on the stuff in our lunchboxes are screwed then. Cheers)
• Lack of subtitles on some video games (turning the volume up isn’t an option. We don’t all live in our parents’ house, some of us have angry neighbours with too much time on their hands and easily access matches to worry about)
• Men over 40 in mod cars (it’s always either a Focus or Impreza and never, ever, with the original paintwork)

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

It is as inevitable as day turning into night, Gordon Ramsay swearing and every odd numbered Star Trek movie being rubbish* – the summer blockbuster season is always ripe with disappointment.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news here but it’s true; this year has already proven that! - hello Wolverine, hello Terminator: Salvation – but there is hope and hype on the horizon – the year isn’t over yet.

So here at hecklerspray we have decided to compile a list of films that you shouldn’t be looking forward to, no matter what anybody says.

*Proven wrong this year so the list is fallible.

5. G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra

Clearly movies based on toys are the next ‘it’ thing – see; Transformers 2. G.I. Joe (or Action Man – The Greatest Hero Of Them All as we call him) is being thrust onto the silver screen this summer with ol’ jug-ears Christopher Eccleston being all bad and ol’ ‘I’ll get my jugs out for a fiver’ Sienna Miller being all moody. We’re not sure why this is being made but it’s got a following and some decent names involved. We just can’t help shake the fact it’s based on a shoddy line of toys and is just a walking, talking advert which makes us feel all used inside.

4. Inglourious Basterds

This is on here for a simple reason – It’s Tarantino, master of the over-hyped, disappointing film (See; Kill Bill vol 2, Jackie Brown). There is no doubt that while it may be filled with a few choice chunks of quotable dialogue here and there, it’s not going to come close to his first two films. Although Brad Pitt looks pretty bad-ass with that neck scar.

3. Sherlock Holmes

Luckily for the viewing public the c-word wasn’t invented in 19th century England. Shame for Guy Ritchie, though, as he’ll have to pad his script out with an alternative phrase to shove between every other word, in his adaptation of the sleuth spy’s adventures. Although, with Downey Jnr. under the deerstalker cap some hope remains but, then again, Ritchie hasn’t made a good film since Snatch.

2. Avatar

Picture this: you’ve taken just over ten years off of work to go swanning about in the ocean. Do you think you’d come back to work firing on all prune-fingered cylinders? Well James Cameron hopes so, as does his army of devoted followers. Avatar sees the director return behind the camera for the first film since Titanic took over the world. Not a single piece of footage, still or a decent summary of the plot has been released yet and with only a few months left ‘til opening it could all come crashing down for the man who once proclaimed “I’m the king of the world!”…we’ll see about that come November, Mr Cameron.

1. Twilight – New Moon

The onslaught of the screaming fan-girls hasn’t let-up since Twilight sucked all the joy out of rational cinema goers back last year. Still, the film has its following and all the principle cast return for more spooky/romantic encounters later this year. Presumably because Robert Pattinson realised he won’t get much work once the franchise is over and because Kristen Stewart was probably stoned when she agreed.

Can a film that gets made within a year of the original really stand a chance of being any good? Look at the Saw franchise and you’ll get an idea of the slippery path the Twilight saga is sliding down. Expect much denial from the fanbase come November when the film is released and the third entry in the franchise to dilute the formula even more the following year.

At least we only have to deal with the vacuous black hole of wit and charisma that is Robert Pattinson once a year – God forbid they start churning these out twice a year.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

All eyes have been at Cannes this week and if the sight of the bikini clad sleaze wasn’t enough to draw attention to the town, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie swanned in to put the place on the front page.

Who cares about films when you can have really, really, really good looking people around…

Meanwhile Terminator Salvation has been seen and received the critical mauling of someone using a phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range. Also everyone is talking about the new internet site that tells you when to piss in the middle of a movie. Seemingly people are overlooking that fact that it spoils major points in films and are hailing it as some sort of revelatory bladder-relieving miracle.

Back to Cannes though for the big news of the week…

Headlines:

Inconsequential Grammar:

The mass critical circle-jerk has begun for Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds as it screened in Cannes this week. Being hailed as another triumph from QT, this WWII set drama stars Brad Pitt as a leader of a group of soldiers who go about scalping Nazis. Because glorified violence is fine, as long as it’s against those god-damned un-human German Nazis! Grrrr!

Space Rogan Josh:

If Seth Rogan wasn’t polluting every American comedy/animated movie currently released between 2007-present, he has now managed to cross both the Atlantic and the Galaxy! Announced as the voice of the alien in the upcoming Pegg/Frost penned movie Paul, he plays their E.T. companion after escaping from Area 51. If it was a Rob Schneider movie nobody would give a shit.

Palme d’Bore:

This years Cannes Film Festival comes to a close with a bunch of films that you’ll never hear of again scooping the top prizes. Michael Haneke’s The White Ribbon was the obvious Palme d’Or winner (apparently). Elsewhere Inglourious Basterds picked up an acting win and Ken Loach picked up another award that will surely appear mundane and bitter to him.

I ain’t ‘fraid of no childhood raping:

Dan Akroyd spills some more beans about the upcoming Ghostbusters sequel currently being scripted. Apparently involving a spunky female leader who we’ll ‘love’ and some neuron splitters and inter-planet interceptors that let the new ‘busters slip from dimension to dimension… We’ll leave that one with you.

Must See This Week:

Drag Me To Hell:

If you like your horror slick and stylish then you can’t do better than Sam Raimi’s return to the genre. After creating to superb Evil Dead trilogy, old Sam has been passing the time making some guff about a kid with spider-like super-powers – Boring! Now back where he belongs, he gives this horror all his visual panache, wit and trademark Oldsmobile.

Must Not See This Week:

Angels & Demons:

Nothing else is quite leaving the cinema aisles with the same dual action stench of zero characterisation and stale pacing like Angels and Demons. Add a sidekick that makes you long for another Hanks/Volleyball collaboration there is little to like. Not even Hanks in a Speedo can save this!

Video Corner:

Fantastic video from Black20; Transforminators leaves us speechless to its utter genius that we will let it do the talking. Top marks for spot-on Bale impersonation as well.

Any comments or videos you want us to shout out? E-mail us at filmfoam@hotmail.co.uk

[story by David Scarborough]

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!