Derren Brown, the British mind magician and all around annoying show off, has wowed the slackjawed public with his latest special, Hero at 30,000 feet, in which he takes a bad actor an average guy and turns him into a hero… at 30,000 feet (this is achieved with a plane in case you haven’t yet realised it).

Now, I’m not one to nit-pick (not true, I really am), but I had a bone to pick with this show. Most people will tell you that it was all staged and that it was done with split screen technology or something equally annoying, but that wasn’t the problem.

The problem was… Derren Brown appears to have just made a mockumentary version of Donnie Darko.

Let’s examine the evidence. Donnie Matt is an average guy who isn’t fulfilling his potential and is yearning to be special. One night he sleepwalks after being woken up by a mysterious voice that tells him he has about a month until a life changing event will occur. By this point all that’s missing is an 80s soundtrack and some rabbit ears on Brown. I half expected Matt to reveal he was just Jake Gyllenhaal wearing a, “stupid man suit.”

Derren, who is now quite obviously channelling Frank the Rabbit, then wakes up Matt again, to bring him into the middle of a field to explain how his life is unfulfilled. We are then introduced to an animal that Matt is told represents power, a crocodile, in the film this part was played by the statue of the school’s mascot. As much as I wanted to see Matt put an axe through its skull it, unfortunately, never happened.

Matt then goes through a series of events that includes theft, breaking into the house of a respected member of society (the police commissioner, who isn’t a paedophile in this show, or so we’re lead to believe) and a feat of super human strength when he breaks out of the strait jacket on the train tracks.

At one point, Brown even says Matt is going through a, “transformation from ordinary to extraordinary,” you know, like that high school kid who could time travel and had superpowers. What was his name again? Oh yeah, Donnie Darko.

But most of all, at the end of the show, a plane carrying some of his loved ones is supposed to be falling out of the sky and only he can save them!

Also the whole thing made about as much sense as Donnie Darko, but at least Drew Barrymore wasn’t in it.

Ever wondered who's influenced the Olsen twins the most? No, us neither – move along.

No, wait, come back. Just because you don't care who influenced the Olsen twins, we don't care who influenced the Olsen twins and we'd be frankly stunned if even the Olsen twins cared who influenced the Olsen twins, the Olsen twins are writing a book all about the people who have influenced them.

The book – tentatively titled I Totally Like That, You Know, Old Film Guy Who's, Like Dead And Stuff – doesn't have a release date. But that doesn't matter, because if you're thinking about buying the Olsen twins' book, we'll come and beat you up.

You know when people start describing their dreams to you, and how it's widely considered to be the dullest, most self-absorbed thing a person can do? Well, it might be time to rewrite the rulebook, because the Olsen twins have plumbed the endless puddle of their combined intellect and found an even more insultingly self-absorbed, faux-profound way to slap you in the face.

The Olsen twins are writing a book. A book about their influences. A book about their influences called Influence. That we're expected to buy.

That's right! Now you – yes, you – can discover for yourself the individuals who shaped the skinny young pointless lives of the stars behind the epic To Grandmother's House We Go and the timeless tear-jerker How The West Was Fun. Not the real main influences of the Olsen twins, you understand – like their pushy parents and Lance Armstrong's cock – but invented ones that make them look cleverer than they actually are, as the Associated Press reports:

According to a statement issued Wednesday by Penguin, the book will include "exclusive photographs of Ashley and Mary-Kate from world renowned photographer Rankin, and a wide variety of other never-before-seen materials and interviews from Mary-Kate and Ashley's personal collections." The 21-year-old actresses will be writing about photographers, artists and designers including Bob Colacello, Terry Richardson, Jack Pierson and Christian Louboutin… "Ashley and I interviewed the people who have inspired us, with the hope that they will inspire and teach others," Mary-Kate Olsen said in a statement.

Still reading this? You haven't got so angry at the Olsen twins' self-indulgent desire to make you better people by being more like them that you've ran screaming into the street and punched a stranger in the eye? Goodness, you're doing better than us.

OK, we'll admit it. We're terrified that this Olsen twins Influence book will be successful. Not because we despair at the cultural repercussions of such a transparent vanity project being read by the public, but because we're frightened that the Olsen twins' peers will copy their idea.

Because it's one thing to buy a book about the Olsen twins' influences, but we're buggered if we'll buy a book based on Lindsay Lohan's influences. Pay good money for a big book of blank pages that all smell a bit like gin and vomit? Sod off.

Read more:

Olsen Twins Working on `Influence' Book – AP