We’re confused because, as far as we can tell, that doesn’t make David Duchovny a sex addict at all. That just makes him a bloke. Hey David, are you in rehab for being a bloke? Are you going to come out of rehab with pigtails and a mangina? Are you? Huh? Huh, David? Huh?

Apparently not, because what we’re starting to hear now is that David Duchovny’s sex addiction isn’t just an addiction to beating himself silly in front of his computer, but an addiction to actually having sex with ladies. Real ladies who exist and aren’t even his wife. Allegedly. So we take it all back – David Duchovny really is as much of a pretend-victim bellend as we originally thought. Sorry David!

As we’re sure you’re all aware, David Duchovny is a sex addict. Announcing his sex addiction was an incredibly brave thing for David Duchovny to do for all kinds of reasons. It put his commercial activities in peril for one, and it meant that he’d inevitably lose a slice of his already-thinning fanbase. But most of all, it was brave for David Duchovny to admit his sex addiction because, as everyone knows, the entire concept of sex addiction is one big fat smelly lie.

Nobody goes into rehab because they’re a sex addict. They go into rehab because their wife caught them with their winky up another woman and – because their brains don’t work fast enough for them to claim that the woman was injured and bleeding to death out of her chuff and the only way to stop the bleeding was to plug the wound with their erect penis – they say that they’re sex addicts and victims and boo hoo don’t leave me it’s a medically-recognised condition.

However, earlier this week it was claimed that David Duchovny hadn’t been bonking his way through a line of fame-hungry sluts with cripplingly low self-esteem at all. In fact, we were told, the only thing that David Duchovny was addicted to was wanking himself into a tizzy every time he got near a computer.

But now it looks like that might have been a lie as well, to cover up for the fact that – if you stand still for long enough – David Duchovny will inevitably sidle over and try to put his cock inside you.

The National Enquirer has made allegations that David Duchovny’s multiple infidelities were the cause of his admission into sex rehab, and MSNBC has the lowdown on it:

According to one Enquirer source, David cheated on wife Téa Leoni many times over the course of their marriage, and only admitted to the affairs after she grew suspicious and confronted him. “(David) said Téa gave him an ultimatum: Get treatment or our marriage is over,” an insider revealed. “She felt it was ruining their marriage and affecting their kids.”

Whether or not this report is true is anyone’s guess. But if it is true, then Tea Leoni has a point – a sex addiction would tend to ruin a marriage. Especially when it means going to meet your in-laws covered from head to toe in a thin coating of your own sperm.

Anyway, we hope for the sake of David Duchovny’s marriage that his sex addiction treatment is a success. But then we’re sure that spending 35 days trapped in a building with an assortment of patients who all suffer from the same intense compulsion to hump every single person they see is absolutely the right way to put an end to his condition.