After he made millions with Indiana Jones 1, he sat down for a while, thought about what to do next and came up with Indiana Jones 2. It worked. But what next? He sat down for a while, thought about what to do next and came up with Indiana Jones 3. Incredible.

How was he to beat that? It wasn’t easy. For twenty years he brooded, furrowing his brow and scratching his little beard, and finally his eureka moment came: Indiana Jones 4.

But, people asked, what about the fact that Indiana Jones will be far too old? Don’t worry, said George, if we make jokey references to it throughout the film no one will care. Wow, he’s good. What next? George says ‘how about Indiana Jones…5, with Shia Labeouf as the lead?’

Time to retire George.

Old man Lucas doesn’t scoff though. He told Fox News:

I haven’t even told Steven or Harrison this, but I have an idea to make Shia the lead character next time and have Harrison come back like Sean Connery did in the last movie. I can see it working out.

Before we jump to the conclusion that the corrupting culmination of his success, wealth and age is turning George prematurely senile, it is worth remembering that he is also responsible for the casting of Jar Jar Binks.

Rumours suggest Shia LaBeouf has stipulations in his contract which lock him into a sequel/spin-off if Paramount want to make one, and Shia (a distant cousin of French footballer Frank LeBeouf) told MTV he would be interested:

I don’t think a Mutt spinoff would be as big as Indiana Jones, but fingers crossed!

Mutt Williams and the Temple of Doom. Mutt Williams and the Last Crusade. Mutt Williams and Another Piss-Poor Offering from Lucas and Spielberg That Makes Us All Wish They’d Retire. He’s right – probably wouldn’t be as big as Indiana Jones.

But what about Harrison Ford – won’t he be dead by then? Not so, according to Lucas:

It’s not like Harrison is even old, I mean, he’s 65 and he did everything in this movie. The old chemistry is there, and it’s not like he’s an old man. He’s incredibly agile; he looks even better than he did 20 years ago, if you ask me.

Harrison himself has said he’d consider playing a part should the fifth installment happen, and even Steven Spielberg won’t rule it out. Ages ago he told the Chicago Sun Times:

Oh, I don’t know. Of course, I said the third Indy would be the last one. And obviously it’s not. So I can’t even comment whether the fourth will be the last one or not. I’m not looking to redesign the wheel. I just want to continue the saga.

Bless him. We bet for a moment there he thought back to the days when selling out on his principles seemed a cheap thing to do.

Read More – George Lucas: Indiana Jones 5 a possibility, The Celebrity Truth

And just as well, too, because the Vanity Fair Indiana Jones 4 piece answers everything that even the most ardent Indiana Jones fan will have wondered. For example, what's Indiana Jones 4 about? We don't know. Is Shia LaBeouf's character going to be Indiana Jones' son? We don't know that either. Is Indiana Jones 4 going to be good? Nope – still no clue. What's the closest thing that George Lucas can compare Indiana Jones 4 to? A chair. That's a chair.

So that's that all cleared up, then.

Circle May 23 in your diaries, everyone, because it's a very important day – the day after Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull is released. All being well, it'll be the day that this ever-building level of Indiana Jones hype will start to ebb. Just the other day we noticed a big Indiana Jones 4 poster at our local cinema, and now the three main ingredients of the movie have been talking to Vanity Fair – and there's still close to half a year until we'll get to see the bastard.

God knows what'll happen in May to keep this promotional momentum up – perhaps all newborn babies will have face transplants to make them look more like Harrison Ford. We wouldn't be against that, actually – so long as they're not made to look more like George Lucas. Imagine that. Urgh.

Anyway, the Indiana Jones 4 Vanity Fair article. Technically, aside from some non-committal babbling two years ago, it marks the first time that anything has been given away about the movie. Except the casting (we already knew that Cate Blanchett and Ray Winstone and Shia LaBeouf had signed up) and the title (Shia blabbed that one on TV) and most of the other secrets (thanks, blabbermouth extra!), anyway.

And except for the fact that neither Steven Spielberg, George Lucas or Harrison Ford seem to be in any particular rush to divulge many Indiana Jones 4 secrets as well. But fans of lighting and editing techniques are going to have a whole lot of fun, because that's primarily what Steven Spielberg wants to talk about:

"We went right back to the blazing Technicolor style of the first three installments. … I didn't want to update Indiana Jones to the 1950 beyond hair, makeup, costumes and cars. I wanted it to look very similar to the first three pictures. I never wanted to get away from the B-movie, pulp feeling of the entire cliffhangers era of the '40s and '50s, the old Republic serials."

And as for George Lucas, well, he's got his chair analogy and he's going to jolly well stick to it:

"You'd never know there was 20 years between shooting. And I think people will be amazed. It's like sitting in a big old comfortable chair you sat in: 'Gee, it's just the same.'"

Not that anyone's going to actually enjoy Indiana Jones 4, though, George Lucas already sort of dislikes it:

“I know the critics are going to hate it. They already hate it. So there’s nothing we can do about that. They hate the idea that we’re making another one. They’ve already made up their minds… The fans are all upset. They’re always going to be upset. ‘Why did he do it like this? And why didn’t he do it like this?’ They write their own movie, and then, if you don’t do their movie, they get upset about it."

So that's that, then. Indiana Jones 4. It's like a big pulpy chair that everyone will hate except for people who don't like Indiana Jones. Perfect.

Read more:

Keys To The Kingdom – Vanity Fair