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You know Shia LaBeouf don’t you? Yeah. He’s that insultingly dim thing that’s like shrink-wrapped ham on legs, waddling around with his film career and floozies. What else does he do?
Oh yeah! He gets in fights in bars! That’s a hoot isn’t it?
What’s even better is that someone’s accused him of threatening to stab someone. STAB! STAB! VENDETTA! VENDETTA! Yup. That’s right. A famous face thinking that no-one will mention it to anyone if he starts offering to slit people’s throats.
You’ve got to pick sides these days. There’s no grey in life anymore, no nuance. It’s black and white. Guilty? Then throw away the key!
A victim? Then everything you say is sacred and righteous. Think the most recent album by x band is okay, but not as good as their last one? No you don’t- you’re a HATER!
Israel vs Palestine. Dawkins vs God. Left vs Right. 0 vs 1. But even in these binary times we’re stumped on where we stand on Harrison Ford vs Shia LaBoeuf .
There is some news that just gets swept under in the grand scheme of things, even if it’s Twittered about and – as we all know – everyone in the world reads that pile of tripe.
Even news about Lucasarts classics being remade and re-released on one of those new-fangled ‘digital distribution’ platforms, called ‘Steam‘, or something, which has suffered in the wake of the news of Michael Jackson‘s death.
Wait – what do you mean Michael Jackson is dead?!
We hadn’t heard. Three hundred times a day. For the last four months.
Yes, since before he had even died.
10 - BET NOW! NUMBER ONE IN USA AND UK NEXT WEEK
9 - Win an Indiana Jones 4 DVD. Rubbish prize, yes, but free – Sprout
8 - The four-year-old girl from Heroes does a swearword about John McCain – Funnyordie
7 - Acorn people! - eHow
6 - SLACKERJACK EXTRA: a game to make you feel optically worthless - Woodgears
5 – 13 bizarre cookery show moments, each of them priceless – Screenjunkie
4 - The ghetto Mona Lisa will see you now – Pic
3 - A waterproof, shockproof MP3 player? Great, we’ll take one – it’ll be perfect for our regular Incontinence And Domestic Abuse afternoons - Freestyleaudio
2 - Add obscene captions to stuff. Win cash – Captionsplash
1 – Scientific proof! Northerners are dirty – ABC Online
For once it would appear that there’s some good news about Shia LaBeouf – both with regards to his mangled hand and his movie career.
In news sure to bring a smile to The Beef’s little face, it turns out that his recent car accident will not result in the amputation of his little finger, as has been reported all over the world of the superstars these last couple of days. While the rumours were rampant that Shia himself had told producers on Transformers 2 that he would have to have his Beef pinky removed, these have been greeted by his rep as being ‘fabricated’ and ‘totally untrue’.
Which is good for him.
What’s good for everyone else in the world, though, is the news that George Lucas has seemingly gone back on his original statement that Shiny McBeef would be the new Indiana Jones. For the first time in what would appear to be an absolute age, Lucas seems to have made ‘the right decision’.
Obviously he followed it up with another bad decision immediately thereafter, but you have to really learn to love those small victories.
The hot and cold weather for this week.
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George Lucas has come up yet with another plan to convince you to hand over your hard earned money to him.
After he made millions with Indiana Jones 1, he sat down for a while, thought about what to do next and came up with Indiana Jones 2. It worked. But what next? He sat down for a while, thought about what to do next and came up with Indiana Jones 3. Incredible.
How was he to beat that? It wasn’t easy. For twenty years he brooded, furrowing his brow and scratching his little beard, and finally his eureka moment came: Indiana Jones 4.
But, people asked, what about the fact that Indiana Jones will be far too old? Don’t worry, said George, if we make jokey references to it throughout the film no one will care. Wow, he’s good. What next? George says ‘how about Indiana Jones…5, with Shia Labeouf as the lead?’
Time to retire George.
Archaeologists have made a stunning discovery.
After weeks of carefully sifting through piles of rubbish, they came across a fossil that they saw as another useless dinosaur, but wait! It’s not just a useless dinosaur; it’s a useless dinosaur with an earring! It must be Harrison Ford. The discovery was confirmed by the presence of a frail skeleton next to the fossil that was classified as ‘the old dinosaur’s girlfriend, Calista Flockhart’.
All of this excitement has prompted the American Archaeological Society to put Harrison Ford on the board of directors. So, we may be a bit fuzzy on the details, but the board of directors thing is for reals.
