India - HecklerSpray

Awesome or Off-Putting: India-Indian Levitates in 1936!

August 7th, 2012 By Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Lets make a brief list of people with the ability to fly. As it likely is for you, the first person to come to mind is the Great Gazoo. He didn’t really soar – he more kinda poofed in and hovered. Still though, he never touched the ground.

Evel Knievel did his fair share of flying about. He couldn’t always control it though, as his wired and bolted skeleton would attest.

Lastly there’s Subbayah Pullavar, a Yogi who hovered for a solid five minutes in front of 150 people who were invited to come up and check for strings and such.

Badvertising: Blackburn Rovers Survive Earthquake & Celebrate With Chicken

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

This week’s Badvertising was half-written until something dropped through our mould-covered letterbox that was so awful, it couldn’t be left alone for a week. We subsequently scrunched up the previous Badvertising and set it alight, after all this incumbent piece was so sickening to watch that we felt as though we’d been eating another of Matthew Laidlow’s “special curries”.

Let’s give you a little bit of the history, shall we? Way back in Tudor times, men used to place a ball in the- no, you’re right, we’ll bring it up to date a bit. Last year, English Premier League club Blackburn Rovers were bought by an Indian company called Venky’s.

Venky’s sells chicken products and are therefore the perfect company to buy a team of perenially dull under-achievers with all the personality of a really weak stock.

Awesome or Off-Putting: Human-Eating Elephant Eats At Least One Human

February 21st, 2011 By Shawn Lindseth

When traveling through India, there are a few things we think we’d be afraid of. Tripping over the headset wires we’re pretty sure the locals all drag behind them being the chiefest. After that we’d be afraid of tigers that hunt during peak hours in various town squares. Fear 3 would be never being to escape the smell of curry.

One thing we never thought we’d have to worry about is being eaten by an elephant. But apparently – that’s something to throw on the? sleepless-night pile.

Awesome or Off-Putting: The Man Who Turned To Glass

February 6th, 2011 By Shawn Lindseth

We had a cat that pooped cellophane once. It was the most beautiful thing we’d ever seen – there was almost a crystal-like quality to it. We sold it to a gypsy who used it to see the future. Bad news everybody – 2012 is going to be full of kibble and mouse innards.

In similar news – have you ever heard of India’s glass man? He was discovered some time ago sitting atop a smelted glass throne or something. We know what you’re thinking – it was probably a statue, right? If it wasn’t reported as having a complete skeleton inside of it we’d be tempted to agree with you.

Paul McCartney Wants The People Of India To Be Puny Vegetarians For A Day

January 5th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

If a random person stopped you in the street and told aliens were invading, you'd assume he was a mentalist and move on. Opinions are like arseholes really, everybody has one and unless you create a Facebook group, nobody will know or care what you think. Reach celebrity status however and all of a sudden people will dribble at each moronic word spouted.

Paul McCartney has reached this stage. Before become a spokesperson for vegetables, he played in a vaguely successfully band called The Beatles and had hit songs including ‘Hey Punch And Judy’, ‘Ha’penny Lane’ and ‘Back In The MFI’.

The music legend gave up eating the flesh of animals in the 1970?s and then proceeded to tell us why we should as well. Frankly, we're bored of him harping on. Perhaps he's realised that nobody cares and, is instead, spreading the message of cucumbers to India.

Poor Chunks Of India Really Hate Slumdog Millionaire

March 25th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

Although in 1995 India was a barren wasteland where nothing had ever lived, by 1996 billions of bums had moved in and turned it into a sort of poverty-themed Disneyland.

Tourists love it – and it’s the perfect setting for that Slum Dog Millionaire movie, don’t you think? You don’t think so? Well you’re not alone – all homeless Indian denigrates agree with you wholeheartedly. Enough so that they’re currently picketing outside the home of one of the film’s stars for a big budget name-change or something.

Jade Goody Set To Annoy The Entire Indian Nation, Again

March 24th, 2009 By Matthew Laidlow

Jade Goody – a creation of Lord God when he was either experimenting too much, or was drunk. Really, that is the only conclusion we can draw when trying to analyse and work out this woman.

Previously confined to one of London’s many gutter suburbs, her shrieking ways were projected to a far greater audience when she entered the Big Brother 3 house five years ago. Yes, that’s right: five bloody years ago.

Unlike most Big Brother contestants, this annoying cockroach didn’t lose its head after the show ended and consequently die out of the public’s view a year later. Strangely, she managed to keep a decent profile in the public eye and launched successful perfumes despite them smelling like a cross between vomit and Lynx Africa.

But when her fame did start to run out, she returned to the one thing that gave birth to her – Big Brother. In 2007 she returned as a “celebrity” and gave the show all the publicity it needed. Sadly 54,000 complaints of racial abuse wasn’t what Channel 4 had in mind.

Paris Hilton Unmoved By Plight Of Drunken Elephants

March 31st, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

A lot of things could be said about Paris Hilton. For instance, you could say she's named after the only city filthier than any underpants she's been wearing for more than three hours. Also you could say she has a lazy eye.

What you can't say about Paris Hilton, however, is that she cares in the least about alcoholic Indian elephants. She doesn't care about those at all. It doesn't matter to her that in that part of India, drunken elephants account for over 3% of pachyderm fatalities. It also doesn't matter to her that night-time elephant drinking increases tusky next-day workplace tardiness exponentially. Just on the morning shifts.

This incredible display of callousness proves once and for all that the post-jail Paris is just as shallow and selfish as her pre-prison self. Or perhaps it just proves nobody ever told her Indian elephants really like getting sloshed and tipping over electric poles. Whatever the case, the only statement her camp has made about India's very real problem is that she never made a statement about it.