You know what that means? That Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony care about Barack Obama enough to perform in Washington on the night of his inauguration? No way! It means that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are deliberately showing the world a sincere display of their love for one another to fight claims that they’ll get divorced on Valentine’s day.

So, OK, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony won’t get divorced on Valentine’s day. May bank holiday it is, then. Set your watches, kids.

If there’s one lesson that we choose to live our lives by, it’s this: never, ever underestimate Jennifer Lopez’s ability to make it all about herself. It’s a lesson that’s served us well so far in life, and it’s the sole reason why we didn’t fall backwards off our chair gagging and spluttering and clawing at our face last night.

Because last night Jennifer Lopez outdid herself. Last night, Jennifer Lopez managed to make the inauguration of the first black president in the history of America all about her. And that takes some doing – believe us, we tried.

You see, while the rest of the celebrity world celebrated the inauguration of Barack Obama by either promising to not be a shit mum on his behalf or – in the case of Aretha Franklin – wearing a silly hat and singing a bunch of free-associated words to the tune of God Save The Queen, Jennifer Lopez decided to show the world that she probably wasn’t going to get divorced from her husband Marc Anthony as quickly as everyone thought.

There’s been a lot of speculation that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are going to get divorced in a little over three weeks – speculation substantiated by Jennifer’s appearance at the Golden Globes last week, where she dressed in little more than a a sparkly hanky and didn’t have her wedding ring on. And that’s why, with the entire world watching, Jennifer Lopez last night decided to set the record straight by singing a loving duet with Marc Anthony at an inauguration ball. People reports:

The crooner completed his inaugural performance by bringing “my wife,” Jennifer Lopez, on to the stage with him, for a duet… Earlier in the evening, Anthony had said, “I wrote this next song about Jennifer. I must have been psychic.” The song was his decade-old “You Sang to Me.” The couple ended their duet with a kiss. “Man, she’s cute,” Anthony said after Lopez exited the stage.

There’s nothing about this story that isn’t completely adorable. The slightly-too-long-for-the-sake-of-photographers kiss, the hamfisted verbal reassurance that Marc Anthony still finds Jennifer Lopez attractive, the way he dedicated You Sang To Me to her, the way he also dedicated the follow-up song I’m Keeping The TV You Dreadful Bitch. All of it, adorable from beginning to end.

And, we have to admit, it worked. We no longer believe that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are getting divorced. Well, we do, but but we promise to look surprised when it happens. We think that’s what they want, anyway.

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Obama is inheriting a country that’s in its worst state for decades, and the wave of expectation which took him to the White House is so perilously high that he’s bound to disappoint great swathes of those who voted him in. Before too long, Barack Obama is going to need a friend.

And a friend is what he’s got in Eva Longoria, who’s pledged to plant 500 trees on hs behalf. So that’ll be a great big bloody weight off his mind, then.

You may think that today’s inauguration of Barack Obama belongs to him and him alone, but you’re wrong. You may also think that the inauguration belongs to the people of the world who’ve watched the last eight years pass by with an impotent sense of escalating frustration. But you’d be wrong again.

No, today’s inauguration of Barack Obama belongs to just one group – celebrities.

Seriously, we mean it. Celebrities got Barack Obama elected as president. If it wasn’t for them and their fundraising concerts, berserk little garden-based rants and slightly cringeworthy right-on internet videos, you know where we’d be today? Nazi Germany, that’s bloody where. And that’s FACT.

But just because celebrities voted Barack Obama in, don’t you think for a second that they’re just going to abandon him in his ivory tower now that they’ve got him there. The rich and famous of America are going to do everything in their power to help President Obama out whenever they can, whether it’s by singing a song for his daughters or by taking part in something called the Presidential Pledge, whatever that is.

Oh, alright, we know exactly what the Presidential Pledge is – it’s a scheme invented by Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore to get their famous friends to show how much they love Barack Obama by making a promise that they’ll inevitably pay someone else to carry out for them. They even made a video about it. Warning, what you’re about to watch may just be the most terrifying thing you will ever see…

It’s interesting to see the different pledges of different celebrities, isn’t it? As well as Eva Longoria pledging to plant 500 trees and Demi Moore pledging to free a million slaves in five years, it was nice to see Eva Mendes promise to drink less bottled water, and that woman we don’t recognise promising to integrate her heart into her face, or whatever it was she said. We don’t want to watch it again.

However, we want to single out special praise for two celebrities. First is Cameron Diaz, who has promised to smile at her neighbours more than she currently does. OK, it isn’t freeing a million slaves, but we suppose it’s a start.

Secondly, Ashlee Simpson has pledged to be ‘a great mother’. So it’s a good thing that Barack Obama was voted as president, really, because if the other chap got in Ashlee was going to be a deliberately shit mother who fed handfuls of drawing pins to her baby and kicked it down the stairs wherever she could.

Celebrities, we don’t know where we’d be without you. We mean that.

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But who cares? More important is the song that will accompany President Obama’s very first dance on inauguration day. And, since you asked – it’s Beyonce singing At Last from her movie Cadillac Records.

It’s fortunate that Cadillac Records was Beyonce’s most recent movie – had Barack Obama’s inauguration happened three months later, Beyonce would have been forced to sing something from her upcoming Fatal Attraction rip-off movie, perhaps Stop Boning My Man or the whimsical I’ll Kill You, You Bitch (I’ll Kill You).

Beyonce has had some big moments in her life – she’s famous enough to start fights with Aretha Franklin and fall down some stairs onto her face – but nothing she’s ever done will prepare her for her job tomorrow. Because tomorrow Beyonce sings for the president.

You see, even though tomorrow marks the day that Barack Obama inherits the worst financial crisis since the Depression, countless pointless wars all over the world, a globally-resented country that’s quickly being overtaken by China economically and – worst of all – a contractual obligation to attend a Jonas Brothers concert, he’s putting a brave face on his inauguration.

And that’s because, regardless of what other catastrophes befall him in the next four years, at least Barack Obama gets to choose which song he gets to dance to first as president. And that song is At Last by Etta James.

Or, to be more specific, At Last by Etta James by Beyonce. You see, Beyonce’s last movie was Cadillac Records where she played Etta James. And, although Etta James is alive and well enough to perform At Last herself at the inauguration, she’s a bit old and fat these days – and having an old fat lady singing while Barack Obama has his first dance as president would completely send the wrong message to the world. So a younger, less talented Etta James facsimile with a nicer bottom it is. AP reports:

In a statement, Beyonce said: “I am so honored that I will be performing for President Obama and the first lady. To sing `At Last’ while they have their first dance is a dream come true. I could not be more honored and excited that they have asked me to be part of this moment in history.”

Actually, despite our teasing we’re thrilled for Beyonce. Performing the song that Barack Obama will dance to first as president means that Beyonce will now join the ranks of the immortal. It doesn’t matter what else she achieves in her career, by doing this Beyonce knows that her name will now live on forever as the answer to a low-scoring pub quiz question. Bravo, Beyonce. Bravo.

But just because Beyonce is singing a landmark song for potentially one of the best-loved presidents in history, it doesn’t mean that the other members of Destiny’s Child have been forgotten about. They’re also going to be performing a very important role at the inauguration day ball – seriously, those coats will never be checked more efficiently.

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We can’t breathe! Our favourite girl-haired, virgin popstars playing a concert? For free? This is totally like the best news ever! We should get there early – we want Kevin Jonas to look us right in the eye when we scream “ARRRGH! KEVINJONASILOVEYOU! ARRRGH!” at him during Lovebug!

Apparently The Jonas Brothers are playing their free concert to mark the inauguration of a man called Barack Obama, who’s like the new mayor or the world or something. But mainly – THE JONAS BROTHERS! OMG!!!

We should all be grateful that Barack Obama was voted as the next president of America, you know, because the inauguration parties are just going to be so much better.

We mean it. Do you know what the inauguration party would have involved if John McCain had been voted as president? Four hours of borderline-racist country music and a halfhearted rendition of Overdosin’ by Heidi Montag, that’s what.

But Barack Obama? His inauguration party is going to rule. Every single celebrity on the planet, from Diddy to Matt Damon to Pamela Anderson, wanted Barack Obama to be president – and even a few non-celebrities too (hello Meg Ryan!) – and, by the look of it, they’re all going to be playing shows to mark Obama’s first day.

So far Jay-Z, The Beastie Boys, Mary J Blige, Beyonce, Shakira, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, TI, Bruce Springsteen, U2, Usher, Nelly, T-Pain, Rufus Wainwright, Maroon 5, Rihanna, the surviving members of The Beatles, Mozart’s brain in a jar and the man who invented the Birdseye Potato Waffle television jingle are all going to be playing inauguration shows in Washington for Barack Obama. But that raises just one question – what about the kids?

What about the kids indeed. Just because they’re too young to be a part of – or even fully understand – the process of democracy, the children of America need to celebrate Obama’s victory as well, because they are the future of America. They are the future of America and they need to be given a dedicated show that’ll commemorate that fact in as lofty and momentous terms as can be humanly possible.

Or, failing that, The Jonas Brothers will just wiggle their hair at them until they start involuntarily urinating down themselves. People reports:

The Presidential Inaugural Committee announced Tuesday that the pop-rock trio will headline the Kids’ Inaugural: We Are the Future concert, which honors military families, on Jan. 19 at the Verizon Center. The Jonas Brothers will perform along with Miley Cyrus and her dad Billy Ray, Bow-Wow and Demi Lovato during a kid-friendly show hosted by Michelle Obama.

In many ways, The Jonas Brothers performing a show to mark the inauguration of President Obama is a genius idea – it’s a touching gesture to the generation that will now look to Malia and Sasha Obama as role-models. In fact, The Jonas Brothers are playing this show because they’re Malia and Sasha’s second-favourite band. Their first-favourite band – Swedish black metal combo Satanic Slaughter – unfortunately had prior commitments.

However, at least by playing this concert The Jonas Brothers are marking their place in history. Now, when future generations ask you “Do you remember when the first African-American president was appointed into office?” you can reply “Yes I do. It was the day after that concert that was so awful it made me want to take my own life.” Happy days.

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