Here at hecklerspray we’d never dream of gossiping or making crude or childish remarks about celebrities or their sexual preferences.  The depraved acts we’ve considered in the bedsit alone (and not counting the ones we’ve scheduled for the Christmas party) are enough to make any sane person question their sexuality, so we’d never judge anyone.

But then again, we are also enormous liars who will make fun of anyone silly enough to be famous for a living.

WE HEARD THAT WOLVERINE LIKES THE  WARM TOUCH OF SOMEONE EQUALLY HAIRY AND MALE!!

It’s true, the rumours that Hugh Jackman is gay have been around for a while, but it seems that his wife of 15 years, Deborra-Lee Furness, has decided to dismiss these rumours publicly, making us all feel like terrible people for feeding the evil gossip machine.

She roared:

“The line I heard was, ‘Wolverine? Who would have thought?’ Hugh and I don’t pay much heed.”

“It’s kind of tragic that these people have nothing better to do than gossip about people they don’t know.”

We feel it’s more two-faced and tragic to gossip about people we do know, so we’re not falling for that one.

But don’t worry, she still fancies the arse off him.

“I do think he’s the sexiest man alive, and I’d hope every woman would think her husband was.”

Oh shut up. You’re married to Hugh Jackman. What would you know?

“I was always saying I’d marry somebody sensible, like a stockbroker. So he dresses up for that fantasy for me occasionally.”

Brilliant idea. Divert attention from the gay rumours by telling the world your husband sometimes wears a suit and acts like a prick. Hugh Jackman also insists he’s not gay.

In 2009 he said:

“I’d be happy to go and deny being gay, because I’m not. But by denying it, I’m saying there is something shameful about it, and there isn’t anything shameful.

“The questions about sexuality I find more in America than anywhere else, because it’s a big hang-up and defines what people think about themselves and others.”

We’re hoping at some point he’ll also deny dressing up like a stockbroker. This is just wrong.

So there you have it. We have no idea if Hugh Jackman is gay or straight as we’re not all hung up about it like those Americans but while you make up your own sweet minds, here’s a nice video of Hugh.

Enjoying being ‘theatrical’ and being in musicals and that.

WHAT?

It must be rotten being Hugh Jackman. Everyone thinks you’ve got metal claws coming out of your knuckles and you have a face like a leper’s sandal. Still, at least he’s obscenely wealthy eh? What could possibly worry him?

Well, for your information, Hugh is very worried, actually.

By what  you don’t ask? We’ll tell you anyway. He’s frightened of online imposters. Not sharks. Not being stabbed through the rib cage with a pitchfork. He’s frightened of people playing make believe.

Of course, this is massively ironic given that Jackmanator is a man who is paid to pretend to be someone else.

Either way, he’s signed up to Facebook and Twitter (apparently – we really can’t be bothered checking because it’ll invariably be a steady stream of vaguely sanctimonious nonsense and self-help quotes) in a bid to tackle the scourge that is impostery.

The X-Men (he’s not been in anything else, ever) star says:

“There are 360 fake Hugh Jackmans on Facebook. My friends think they are conversing with me but they’re not.”

Apparently, friends were alarmed when Jackson seemed rather engaging and interesting when talking on Facebook chat.

“The idea of people pretending to be me and others believing it is me is frightening. I want to encourage the impersonators to have a life.”

Presumably, he wants their lives to start with buying a ticket to watch Real Steel, Jackman’s latest movie, which sees the actor pretending to train robots to punch each other.

Brilliant.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

It’s been a long couple of weeks for Angelina Jolie. Not only has she given birth to twins (one of them with the spine on the outside), but she’s also uncovered a previously unknown breed of dinosaur in her new French backyard, and her food cravings just before birth caused her to break through a bakery’s glass window pane and eat the little man she found in there frosting cakes.

Except for the man she ate none of that’s true, of course, but it really doesn’t matter. If Angelina’s assistant has free reign to invent stories for the press then so do we. Or should we say her fake assistant.

Yes, Jolie’s got some woman posing as her assistant going about issuing press statements construed primarily of falsehoods and deceit – that’s where the recent untrue news Jolie gave birth in France came from.

Such horrific lies! Now that’s our kind of woman.

Angelina Jolie’s been walking around with Brad Pitt’s new babies stuck inside her for over a year now, and she thinks it high time they came a’shootin’ out. What she doesn’t realise is she can’t poop them just yet, because although the typical human body needs only nine months to sufficiently materialise, acting ability of any calibre needs an additional three months.

Actually, Ang hasn’t been pregnant that long. If reports are to be believed the exact conception date can be traced back to a day in late November when Brad came home with a box of chocolate Twinkies (they’re in the oyster family). If reports aren’t to be believed than we have absolutely no idea how long the twins haven’t been separate sperm and egg.

A lady posing as Angelina’s assistant to several press outlets thinks those babies have been brewing long enough, and cooked up this story:

“According to reports in France, Angelina Jolie gave birth on Sunday at a Catholic clinic in the Aix-En-Provence region, OK! Magazine said Friday. French gossip sites reported that the babies were named Isla Marcheline and Amelie Jane, in honor of the girls’ grandmothers.”

Look familiar? It should – we reported it a bit ago. But it’s a lie, and it hurts us to know we could be used to pass such falsehood unto you, our dearest friends. On a side note did you know it’s recently been discovered that Shaquille O’Neal is the son of legendary Hulk actor Bill Bixby and Murder She Wrote vixen Angela Lansbury? That one’s absolutely true – we swear. It’s been double checked!

Anyway, here’s the real scoop on the fake assistant, as phrased by Jolie’s something or other:

“A random individual has engaged in a scheme to intentionally harm my client and deceive her fans, the public and the media through illegal and tortuous impersonation of Ms Jolie’s long-time assistant, Holly.”

Such imposter-ism hasn’t been known in Hollywood since Skeletor made that blue He-Man – remember that? All of Eternia was duped – and we heard it made Teela afraid to love again. But what’s worse is the fact that Jolie’s fake-Holly’s apparently been at it for over a year. We don’t know what other stories she’s ruthlessly pushed on the public – perhaps the one where Jolie once kept manwhich in her butt for three whole days – but we certainly hope truth shall prevail!

Really we don’t care either way, but a strong paragraph-ender was really needed up there.

Heard of Doug Ellin?

Don’t worry, it’s okay to admit that you haven’t. We won’t laugh at you or anything. Well, we won’t laugh at you more than we usually do.

Oh, we’re just joshing – Ellin isn’t exactly a household name. Chances are you’ll have seen the show he created, though – HBO’s quite wonderful Entourage, officially the best thing on ITV2 (which isn’t really much of an achievement, to be honest). The hit show follows a famous Hollywood actor and his hanger-on buddies, and is apparently so goshdarn inspiring that a mystery imposter is doing the rounds pretending to be Ellin himself.

Apart from doing the obvious – like, er, walking up to people, saying ‘I created Entourage’ and then looking at their slightly impressed faces – the hoaxer is now using his false identity to contact aspiring actresses and invite them to fake auditions in the hope of seducing them. Presumably by saying to them ‘hey baby, I created Entourage’ and then looking at their slightly impressed faces.

One young lady fell for the scam, and revealed that – whoever this imposter is – he has a faultless grasp on the illusion:

“The guy knew more than enough about the show, and Mark Wahlberg, and particular members of the crew to convince me. He also knew the name of Ellin’s assistant, casting peeps and future storylines.”

The production company behind Entourage has been forced to put a warning notice online, urging actorly-types to be extra careful of this chancer:

“It has been brought to our attention that a man claiming to be Doug Ellin is calling agents and actors alike about auditioning opportunities for Entourage. Please be aware that this is not Doug Ellin. Our producers will never call you directly unless it has been facilitated through the casting office first. We are sorry for any inconvenience caused and are making a string effort to resolve this issue asap.”

All sounds like a murky con job to us. Honestly, what sort of sad, pathetic loser would have to resort to conjuring a fake identity in order to pick up chicks? The mind boggles.

On a side note, hecklerspray learned the other day that we’re to act as consultants on new MTV series I Am A Jessica Alba Lookalike Who Enjoys Having Sex With People I Have Only Just Met. Prospective candidates should get in touch with a CV, picture, contact number, address and details of younger sister if within morally acceptable age range.

There’s no deadline.

Read More:

Programme makers warn against Entourage hoaxer – Yahoo