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Assassin’s Creed 3 Announced, One Christmas Present Sorted

February 17th, 2012 By Robin Darke

Wasn?t it fantastic leaping from roof to roof in Constantinople? Diving from high towers into the river, only to miss and fall into a broken heap, slowly soiling yourself until you died alone and weeping?

It was the stuff of movies, if those movies had troubling control mechanisms and some rather heavy looking armour. Well that's what Assassin?s Creed: Revelations was all about. What it also did, was to bring the story of Altair and Ezio Auditore to a vague kind of conclusion ready for whatever Ubisoft gave us in the next installment.

Well good news everyone who’s still interested! Assassin?s Creed 3 has officially been given a release date. Of October 30th 2012. A full 10 months away. But apart from the title, and the date, what else do we know?

Lindsay Lohan Has Clawed Her Way Out Of Pet Semetary

February 10th, 2012 By Lady Robotnik

Lindsay Lohan stepped out on the red carpet this week looking as young, sexy and stylish as ever. Wait, we mean the exact opposite of that.

The o/b/v/i/o/u/s/c/r/a/c/k/a/d/d/i/c/t starlet was papped at the amfAR New York Gala yesterday sporting tobacco-stained hair, meth teeth and accessorised her hot new look with a Grinch-skin coat and a vacant stare.

Want a look? You brave crusader, you. Just click the jump.

Reports Of Teenagers Spontaneously Combusting Over Justin Bieber’s Support Of The Wanted

February 9th, 2012 By Michael Park

Worrying reports are beginning to reach the hecklerspray news desk of spontaneous combustion among children.?

Reports so far are sketchy but it is thought that the exact demographic affected is girls & boys between the ages of 11 & 17. Parents are being advised to keep their children away from the internet for the foreseeable future to limit the risk of catastrophic explosion.

Experts have warning that if the spread of these fiery paroxysms isn’t stemmed immediately, it could lead to a cataclysmic chain reaction that could- if predictions are accurate- wipe out all human life on the planet, leaving Earth in the paws of Dormice.

The Tumblr Trawler: Suicidal Kittens Fired Due To Filthy Texts From Someone Called “Bennett”

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

These are dark times for that there internet. As the vultures circle around the rotting carcass of the World Wide Web, we disembark our safe harbour to take a tour round the Cape of Good Tumblr. This is The Tumblr Trawler…

Naturally, we’re assuming that some of you have never even seen a Tumblr, let alone know all about the intricate system of interactions and the thought processes which go into making one. Therefore, we make no apologies if you’ve heard of one of these before or even bought their god damn book. Okay?

Star Wars TV Show Gets A Name & Might Not Be Terrible

January 10th, 2012 By Michael Park

Yes, we know what you’re thinking and stop looking at us like that. You’re one of those Star Wars nerds that hate everything to do with the franchise after 1982, aren’t you? You don’t have any time for Ewoks or Gungans or modern, snazzy computer graphics. You want to watch monsters that move like they’re on rails and Anthony Daniels hamming it up without any interference from the modern world.

You know what? That’s fine.

Pretty much everything to do with Star Wars after ‘The Empire Strikes Back‘ (and maybe ‘Return of the Jedi’) was such a pile of complete dross that it’s enough to make Michael Winner consider re-releasing some of his films updated to HD. Those of you who groaned at the first appearance of the shambling Jar-Jar Binks would have found yourselves doubled over in agony by the time The Clone Wars hit TV screens.

Robbie Williams Carelessly Murdered By Misguided Dream Assassins

January 5th, 2012 By Michael Park

Take That’s Prodigal Son and Stoke’s most irritating son Robbie Williams has been waking up in the night covered in a liquid that isn’t his own urine according to The Daily Star. In an interview with Britain’s least believable paper, Williams?prophesied?that he might be a target for terrorists because he’s so completely important.

The egotist, who recently returned to the warming, Northern embrace of his former Take That, has been ?having trouble sleeping recently and instead of taking a Night Nurse and keeping his massive flapping trap shut, he decided to give an “exclusive” to a woeful Red Top.

Luckily, he’s been having dreams that even Joseph & His Technicolour Fraud Coat wouldn’t have any trouble analysing.

Robert Pattinson Would Bore Himself To Death For Love

November 30th, 2011 By Michael Park

Master of snoozemonies (sorry) Robert Pattinson has said that he would lay down his life if it meant saving the ones he loved. The news comes as hundreds of sharpened spears were found at the home of anti-Twilight campaigner Allan Thorneyflat.

The star of Twilight and forgettable footnote in the Harry Potter series claimed during a TV interview that if it came down to it, he would know what to do prompting thousands of Twihards to question whether Pattinson’s life was really worth all that bother. Here at hecklerspray, we know the consequences of wishing death on someone and in Pattinson’s case, we really, really don’t.

Why?

Olly Murs Has Never Seen Caroline Flack Naked Because They Did It With The Lights Off

November 30th, 2011 By Michael Park

Pop scamp Olly Murs has insisted that there’s nothing going on between him and his Xtra Factor co-host?Caroline Flack despite there OBVIOUSLY BEING SOMETHING GOING ON BETWEEN HIM AND HIS XTRA FACTOR CO-HOST CAROLINE FLACK.

The Ex-Factor (hur hur) runner up has flatly stated that his flirty relationship with Ms. Flack is just that. Flirty and there is absolutely nothing going on that in any way involved nights of screaming passion where young Olly needs to “hold onto his stupid-looking trilby hat”.

Absolutely nothing.

HecklerPlay Review: Yuck In Manchester

August 5th, 2012 By Si Sharp

Effortlessness is of course the cornerstone of cool.

That's why the Chesterfield hanging out of the corner of James Dean?s mouth is better than the Benson being desperately tugged on by the 14 yr old on the corner of your street. It's why more guitarists want to be Hendrix than Angus Young. It's why every indie rocker in the late 80s wanted to be J Mascis.

And with that Dinosaur Jr reference we?ll move clumsily and rather obviously onto Yuck, a band who seemingly can't be described by writers outside of the context of their apparent influences. Which is a pity since Yuck?s crime isn't sounding derivative, it ?s sounding authentic.

Chris Brown Buys House Near Rihanna & Remains Just Out Of Punching Range

November 29th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

In the UK, the only real battle we have is between ?Team Peter? and ?Team Katie.? Whilst they're both like persistant scabs who scar the celebrity landscape, people are genuinely torn between who they prefer. Do you go for the ex-tit model or a bloke who is so fame hungry, that he went back into the “I'm A Celebrity” Jungle of Obscurity?

Over in America, there are loads of couples who frequently split up once they've bagged the cash for the wedding tie-in photos or TV special. Ain?t that right Kim Kardashian? Occasionally though, a celeb breakup can be real and quite literally messy as Rihanna found out when human Muppet impersonator Chris Brown splattered her pretty face across the inside of his car with his fists.