During the First World War, soldiers would often endure days of warfare in the most atrocious conditions imaginable, and emerge from it all having gained or lost just a few yards for their team.

Which is a hideously overblown and offensively inappropriate metaphor for this year’s I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, the show that last night ended its interminable run on NBC. Who has covered themselves in glory? Who has covered themselves in shame? Who has apparently covered themselves from head-to-toe in the offcuts from a leather warehouse? (Hint: it’s not Holly, it’s not Torrie, and it’s Janice). Find out after the jump.

We can’t tell you how long we’ve waited for this (our instinct says it’s been about 1,800 years, but logic dictates that maybe it was a bit less than that). Either way: Yay!  Because this is the last week of IACGMOOH. No more of John Salley’s quite frightening competitiveness. No more of Speidi’s televised egowank. No more of Torrie Wilson’s glorious boobies in a wet camo swimsuit. No more… wait, what? This is the end of our weekly viewings of Torrie’s silicon mines? We have to survive on the 38,812 Google images of “Torrie Wilson swimsuit” until she gets herself naked in Playboy in, ooh, three minutes or so? Curses!

Okay then, before we give you the news you already know, let’s take a quick look at this year’s most memorable contestants:

Speidi (Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt): insufferable tosstards. They came, they annoyed, they left. They came back, they annoyed again, they got scared, they left again. They got verbally assaulted by Al Roker, they came back again again,they smugged through last night’s interview, they hopefully were buried somewhere in the Costa Rican jungle.

Janice Dickinson: leather-faced, sandpaper-voiced harridan. Oh Janice, you sure know how to make friends in difficult situations. You alone know that when a bunch of people are thrown into a tropical jungle with limited food supplies, the best way to make yourself popular is to steal their food, refuse to do any work and just sit around squawking like a tasered chicken.

Sanjaya Malakar: peacock-haired singing ninny. When we first saw that the boy who spent an improbably long time on American Idol had got this gig, we assumed he would be chased from the jungle within a week by a pack of monkeys desperate for the secret to his preposterous hairstyling. How wrong we were (the monkeys, in fact, became fascinated with trying to climb Janice, who they’d mistaken for an ancient oak). Sanjaya turned out to be quite the stoic little jungle dweller. In retrospect, it wasn’t a surprise: the lad looks just like Mowgli after all.

Lou Diamond Phillips: hammer-faced pain lover and worthy I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here winner. Lou started the show as a has-been actor, trying to start a career revival. He ended it as a has-been actor with thirteen thousand mosquito bites, trying to start a career revival. Never afraid to man up to a challenge, and always ready to tell Janice that she is a totally unlikable leatherfaced skank, Lou won the hearts of the voting public.

And is currently holding them in a safe place, their return dependent on someone agreeing to make La Bamba II: Rock n Roll But With Guns ‘n’ Bombs ‘n’ Shit.

So there you are. Another year passes, another person you vaguely remember from that film twenty years ago is about to be on the cover of all the world’s magazines for a week before shuffling, embarrassed, back to the High School Reunion Special Guest circuit.

Have strength, dear viewers: it shall return. And hopefully with someone better able to approximate a real human being than Myleene Klass. Hmm, what’s C3PO up to these days?

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Want to become famous? OK, here’s how you do it. 1) Be completely awful. 2) Spend a few hours in a dark room until you vomit.

Honestly, it works. Thanks to her being awful on The Hills and then vomiting a bit on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Heidi Montag has never been so famous. And now she’s finally achieved fame, it’s time for her to use that fame for something important and philanthropic and world-changing. Heidi Montag is going to pose naked for Playboy.

What? It could be worse. She could be doing something that involves her voice.

Right now it’s the done thing to be rude about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, but you know what? We’re not going to rise to it. In our opinion Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are brilliant. They’re the gift that keeps on giving. To be more accurate they’re the totally unwanted gift that keeps on giving even though you’ve exasperatedly threatened it with violence unless it stops giving, but a gift’s a gift.

Heidi and Spencer’s propensity of attention-seeking whiny awfulness is bottomless. They were awful on The Hills, more awful when they attempted to launch a musical career, even more awful when they decided to get married and somehow even more awful than that when their stint on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here ended with Heidi Montag crying and vomiting semi-digested bean-clods down herself because she didn’t like being in a room with some spiders.

But that’s it, right? That’s as awful as either Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt are prepared to get, right? Wrong. You appear to have ruled out the possibility that Heidi Montag will strip naked and pose for Playboy soon. Which we’re sure you’ll agree is so aneurysm-inducingly awful that you probably shouldn’t think about it for very long. Here’s Heidi Montag discussing it on The View:

“I would do it very tastefully, and not necessarily nude… It is a very reputable magazine. Many people have done it. I cannot technically confirm, I would love to do it, I might have done it.”

It’s not really a surprise that Heidi Montag was approached to appear in Playboy, given that she’s got blonde hair and more than three people know her name – which does seem to be the magazine’s policy at the moment – but we can’t work out why she chose to accept the offer at this precise moment in time.

After all, aren’t Playboy shoots usually reserved for celebrities on the wane? Surely Heidi Montag isn’t admitting that puking up because she didn’t like the quality of her accommodation has made her as famous as she’ll ever be. Surely rather than get naked for Playboy she should maximise on her current notoriety to become even more famous by, say, manually bringing a farm animal to orgasm for a cable TV show or making a direct-to-DVD film that nobody ever watches all the way through. You know, something big-time.

Still, at least Playboy is getting something out of this Heidi Montag shoot. After all, considering the financial difficulties that it reportedly faces, it needs a good back-up plan. And if there’s a better way to repel bailiffs than stacks and stacks of unsold pictures of Heidi Montag’s naked breasts, we’d like to hear it.

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Having already changed rooms because of an insect infestation, Myleene has accidentally glued herself to her bed.

Myleene Klass, barely-sentient host of the celebrity torturefest: we knew she wasn’t the greenest leaf on the tree, but she’s now operating at levels of idiocy which have almost become genius. Hotel staff found her, in her room, with one hand stuck to the bed by a mysterious substance.

We’re just waiting for a Thai newspaper to publish photos of the incident.

Little over a week old, and the American version of British import (Brimport? Anyone?) I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here has already provided us with injuries, insect-eating and women who look like men who look like women who look like Ents.

But now, in the oddest news to emerge from the Costa Rican jungle since people realised that the Baldwins were brothers (’Really? But one looks like a botoxed Emperor Palatine, and the other looks like a sculpture of a 50-year-old Fonz made out of Spam and penises‘), host Myleene Klass has glued her skeletal hand to a hotel bed.

The Sun, can you enlighten us?

“Myleene Klass had to be rescued by hotel staff after getting stuck to her bed. The TV presenter, 31, had sprayed herself with insect repellent that reacted with varnish on the bedposts – gluing her to the frame. A source said: ‘Hotel staff had to peel her off slowly but surely.’”

“While they waited for the kitchen porter, who has a cameraphone, to arrive” was not included in the source’s comment.

We got to thinking, and realised what a bloody fantastic idea the celebrity/glue/object craze is. We present three of our own ideas for future adhesive collaborations, all of which should be televised in Hi-Def:

1) Tom Cruise, glued to a piano, his fingers forming G sharp minor, loaded onto an aeroplane and tossed from the cargo hold at 35,000 feet.

2) Bono, glued to the inside of a corn-thresher programmed to start when sensors detect a swearword being spoken, which is glued to a drunken Scottish Tourettes patient.

3) Kelly Osbourne, glued to a mouse, which is glued to a cat, which is glued to a dog, which is glued to a horse, which is glued to a wolf, which is glued to a tiger, which is glued to an elephant, which is encased in concrete and sunk beneath the Pacific Ocean.

Make it so, Gods of Television.

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Yes, we had to check that, too. But it’s true: it is only Week Two and not, as we had thought, Year Eighty-Nine.

But a week can be a long time in the jungle. Especially a jungle where pubey-bearded manchild Spencer Pratt spends 19 hours out of every day arguing with mahogany-faced leatherwoman Janice Dickinson.

The big story during the past week has been Speidi’s will-they/won’t-they shenanigans. Sadly, the issue in question is not “Will they or won’t they go crazy and kill each other using a machete, a coconut and a pint of the world’s most painfully toxic snake venom?”, but the rather more mundane “Will they be allowed to re-enter the camp and inflict their self-love on us for the rest of the show, or will they be sent back to Beverley Hills with their suitcases, label-free shampoos and a terrible case of the world’s most painfully toxic jungle fever?“.

Shame.

Ah well, this was always going to be a marathon, never a sprint. Which is unfortunate for Stephen Baldwin, who looks like doing anything more taxing than dialling for takeout Chinese would cause his heart to detach itself from his arteries, leap out of his mouth and run down the road, screaming “He never told me it would be like this“.

And so to tonight’s news in tiny little bites, each the size of Spencer’s self-awareness:

Janice and Sanjaya in the Trauma Tank: Both were voted in by the public. But what twisted show producer thought of putting Janice into a tank filled with water, frogs and reptiles? These are her brethren, you inhuman monsters.

Daniel Baldwin Gets Whiny: Baldwin number two,who looks like a pub-team footballer impersonating Robert De Niro, has spent his short time in camp complaining. Moaning about…oh, pretty much everything.  Janice, Heidi, Sanjaya, the way Monster Munch don’t taste the way they used to. Lighten up, Daniel: you’re being paid to lie on a hammock for a couple of weeks with nothing to worry about but whether you’ll be able to sneak a glimpse of Torri Wilson’s titties as she gets dressed.

Janice Dickinson Is A Bit Of A Selfish Bitch: Janice, a woman who is half human and half pork scratching, is the subject of some resentment amongst the other junglemates. Seems they don’t take kindly to one of their number being, effectively, nothing more than a talking strip of rawhide who just sits around all day squawking like a flock of crows being fed into a woodchopper.

Heidi Montag Gets Ambulanced To Hospital: Many tears were shed in camp as Heidi, suffering from the effects of a celery and prayer diet in the hundred degree jungle, was taken away for urgent medical attention. True, they were tears of laughter and relief, but don’t let that fool you: the celebs will miss her and her turdhole husband, for who now will walk around shrieking “Jesus Christ is here!” like an autistic priest? Hilariously, Heidi was taken to the local hospital, which apparently modelled itself on a South American TV documentary series called Mexican Leprosy Clinics: The Inside Story. Get well soon, Heidi, because your teammates…no, ‘miss’ isn’t the word. Ah yes: despise. Your teammates genuinely despise you, you hideous tosspiece.

We shall return later in the week, with more IACGMOOH than you can shake a palm leaf at.

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Heidi Montag is as hard as nails. She is. True, she might look like a scrawny, pointless waste of skin, but she’s hard.

How hard is Heidi Montag? Hard enough to appear on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Hard enough to leave after a few days because it was too difficult. Hard enough to return again almost immediately because she couldn’t stand being out of the limelight for even a millisecond.

Hard enough to wind up going to hospital because she didn’t like being made to only eating beans for a day. Again, Heidi Montag is hardore.

You don’t get to be where Heidi Montag is today without having a bit of grit in your testicles. Pretty much everything that Heidi Montag has ever done in her entire life would push the physical and emotional boundaries of most human beings.

Don’t believe us? We’ll explain. Heidi Montag isn’t just a castmember on an MTV reality show about braying, obnoxious overprivileged nimrods who wouldn’t know a day’s work if it crapped on their chest – she’s managed to become the most braying, obnoxious, overprivileged nimrod on the entire show. She’s embarked on a pop career that consists mainly of her yelping atonally over a series of nightmarish thuds and squeaks. She’s married a man who literally looks like the only Bigfoot in the world that you’d happily agree to have fistfight with.

Could you do any of that? No, no you couldn’t. Heidi Montag is like the Bear Grylls of being a hopeless wanker who nobody has ever really loved.

And to prove it, Heidi Montag and her awful husband Spencer Pratt have been appearing on the American version of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Well, we say ‘appearing’. She was on it for a couple of days, and then she left. And then, in a way that wasn’t at all premeditated in a dumbly calculated effort to boost her stupid notoriety, she came back.

To punish them for their flightiness, the I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here producers decided to keep Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt in a dark-ish room for 24 hours with only beans, rice and water to live on. And now it’s all ended in tears, because Heidi Montag has been hospitalised for it. MTV reports:

TMZ reported that Heidi was rushed to the hospital after “convulsively throwing up” and was “diagnosed with a gastric ulcer.” Spencer’s sister, Stephanie Pratt, took to Twitter to comment, “I’m really saddened to hear that NBC felt it was OK to… torture them as if they were criminals… Heidi was rushed to the hospital and has an IV in her arm after being locked in a dark room for 3 days w no food or water. Pray she will be OK.”

While we’d like to believe Stephanie Pratt’s account that Heidi Montag’s treatment was so harsh that it literally defied the Geneva convention – because, you know, it’s what we’d do – we’re more inclined to believe the official line that Heidi Montag was given the minimum daily dietary allowance as ruled to be safe by professional nutritionists.

And if that’s the case, no wonder Heidi ended up convulsively vomiting in hospital – by the look of her, a cup of rice and a handful of beans is about eight times more than she’s ever been made to eat in an entire day. Thank goodness nobody tried to make her eat a kangaroo anus. If there’s one thing that’s true about kangaroo anuses, it’s that they stick to your hips like nobody’s business, and nobody likes a fat bitch, do they?

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Day Two of the Costa Rican shenanigans, and we present to you the lady contestants.

Oh, and Janice Dickinson, who has been flung into this group in the absence of a ‘Leather Handbag’ team.

Second day, and already two people have left the show. Unsurprisingly, and happily, it was the two most irritating and juvenile little twatcans ever to darken the jungle’s doorstep. Do jungles have doorsteps? The answer, and more, after the jump.

No. No, they don’t.

Patti Blagojevich: wife of criminally-implicated Chicago Governor and unfortunate recipient of Heidi Montag’s laughably kindergarten-ish impromptu prayer session yesterday (’Dear Heaven, please stop all the bad people from being naughty to Patti who is pretty and nice and made of angelmilk. I know because I met her two hours ago and now she is totally my BFF.‘ We’ve paraphrased her somewhat). Quiet, stoic, and likely to be around for a while.

Janice Dickinson: once a supermodel, now looks worryingly like a statue of a transvestite sculpted from a giant raisin. Always guaranteed to be controversial, Janice is known for her strong opinions loud, strident voice that makes us want to bite our fingers off and swallow them in the hope we might choke to death and never have to hear the harpy again PLEASE MAKE IT STOP NOW. Little-Known Fact: the camp’s tent-like shelters were constructed from Janice’s skin. The last time she moulted, producers gathered up the old layer and used it to craft these simple yet sturdy structures.

Torrie Wilson: we’ve never heard of her and neither have you. Unless you’re a gun-loving redneck inbred who whoops and hollers at wrestling on the TV. Should be quite successful on the show, what with her complete lack of any personality to hate, and complete ownership of two large ladymams to love.

Frangela: Again, not a clue, though the fact factory that is Wikipedia seems to indicate that Frangela (being actually two people, called Frances and Angela) just fart around on a radio station on Saturday evenings. Sort of an American Tim Westwood, perhaps.

Heidi Montag: genuinely, utterly, literally pointless waste of some perfectly good carbon and several trace minerals. After a few weak-wristed attempts at leaving yesterday, Heidi and her equally unlikeable bumrod of a husband, Spencer Pratt, finally decided to quit the show for good. But not before Spencer had been baptised in the local river by Stephen Baldwin.  Which was as fundamentally disturbing to hecklerspray’s psyche as it sounds. Little-Known Fact: when Heidi and Spencer have sex, they each call out their own names at the climactic moment.

Join us later in the week, when we return to see how our tropical pals get on without Speidi.

Pretty bloody well, we’d imagine.

The Americans, having nicked IASGMOOH from us, have failed to understand what makes the thing watchable: instead of cheeky Ant and Dec, they’ve got Myleene Klass hosting. A woman who donates sap, rather than blood.

Desperate as we are to witness talentless unknowns humiliate themselves on the telly, we genuinely can’t wait for the news season of America’s Got Talent. That doesn’t start until June 23rd, but NBC love us so much they’ve provided a little bit of televisual methadone, pending the arrival of the heroin shipment.

After the jump, we introduce you to one half of the stale celebrity idiots. Today: the boys.

The initial teams have been formed by reference to contestants’ sexual organs. You’ve got boobs and a froo-froo? Girls’ team. You own a todger? Boys’ team for you.

Which caused some confusion when it came time to allocate Janice Dickinson, but the producers have gone with ‘lady’.

Lou Diamond Phillips. Star of La Bamba, Young Guns and Extreme Justice. Show Highlight: beating a crooked politician’s wife in a game of ‘Eat The Tarantula’. Little Known Fact: LDP rarely smiles because, in accord with ancient Cherokee custom, his teeth were replaced with eagles’ beaks when he was a child.

John Salley. Apparently used to play in the NBA, which is some kind of American netball league. Show Highlight: sorry, big John, you were so inoffensive – and we care so little for American sportspeople – that we failed at any point to register your presence. Take it as a compliment: it means you weren’t the kind of horrible little wanksplash who gets voted into having to drink snake venom from a lizard’s arsehole. Speaking of which…

Spencer Pratt. Vainglorious puddle of sleaze from MTV’s The Hills. Show Highlight: Was given a plate with a stick insect on it and challenged to eat the beastie quicker than the fat little lady from the other team could. Decided to ram the insect, and the decorative flower it was sat on, into his mouth and gagged a bit. Thus he achieved the almost impossible and made himself look a bigger tool than The Hills did. Little Known Fact: scientists use Spencer as a fixed marker on the “Self-Regarding Celebrity Turds” scale. He lies exactly halfway between Chris Martin and The Other Ones From Coldplay.

Stephen Baldwin. No, not the one from 30 Rock. No, no, no, not him out of Backdraft, either. Stephen, lots of tattoos, starred in The Flintstones In Viva Rock Vegas. Okay, you’ve got him now. Seems like he’ll be good value here, though. Show Highlight: being bitten by a ‘bullet ant’ seconds before going live on air for the Trauma Tank. Manned it out like a true pro.

Sanjaya Malakar. Oh, go on, you do. Him with the daft hair off of American Idol last year. Show Highlight: when challenged to eat a huge chunk of iguana’s tail, he simply flung the thing into the back of his gob and swallowed. We are finding it so hard not to connect that last sentence with his surprisingly extended stint on Idol, judged of course by Simon Cowell. Damn you, libel laws. Little Known Fact: Sanjaya says that his hair heroes include Robert Pattinson (“mmm, silky”), Donald Trump (“aah, flappy”) and Susan Boyle (“ooh, pubey”).

That’s it for the boys. Tomorrow we shall bring you the female contestants. And we’ll go with the producers, and chuck Janice in there, too.

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Dear Myleene,

You’d make an excellent cannibal. In fact, we can’t imagine anyone else consuming human flesh in a bikini.

As you gorge on bloody chunks to the sound of Liberty X, take a break and sing us the Toccata, maybe recommend your favourite composers. Anything is Possible after being in Hear’Say, and speaking of which, we know why the band broke up – because you ate them.

The British popstar turned model/actress/astronomer has her Hollywood debut in the bag after meeting producer Colin Steinberg at the Cannes Film Festival. He’s convinced that Myleene is right for the job, described as ‘a thriller about a woman who eats her boyfriend’.

This is commonly called a ‘casting error’. What can you do, after all, when a cutesy Norfolk popstar tries to eat you? If you’re in 28 Days Later, go for the head. She’s not human, she pukes blood – and we all know that popstars never puke. If you find yourself in some rom-com nightmare with Russell Brand, be sensitive, say “Please stop Myleene, you’re hurting me. All I wanted to do was make you laugh.” Communicate and show her that you love her anyway. Saying that, we can’t imagine the lovely Miss Klass in Cannibal Holocaust, nor can we imagine that this yet-untitled film will be any good.

US interest in Myleene has rocketed after she agreed to co-host the American version of ITV’s I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! She’s been paid £100,000 to present the show in her bikini. The reality TV beauty made a big impression on CNN with her film show, and bigwig, Colin Steinberg, during her visit to Cannes. When a girl tells you she’s interested in astrology, it means she wants to be a star. Don’t be fooled people, Miss Klass is gunning for American stardom, whatever the cost.

Mr. Steinberg said:

“She has that golden age grace and glamour. We have spent months auditioning for a beautiful, confident British woman to take on this challenging role. I gather she is very tied up with her TV work, but we will negotiate about filming it next summer.”

You can only imagine the brainstorming involved: cash-grabber A (we’re not mentioning any names) turns to cash-grabber B (gormless marketing troll). “British accents, bikinis – now that’s sexy,” he says. “Sex sells and so do cannibals, why not sell em’ both at once!” Cash grabber B, is ecstatic. His brain has been hurting all day, due to his inherent creative disability. “So uhh… how do we find a female cannibal and where’s England?” Cash Grabber C (The yes-man who likes his salary) has the answer: “Somewhere near Cannes… There’s plenty of bloodsuckers over there.”

She survived an artificial jungle adventure, introduced us to Shostakovich and sang to the atrocities of the britpop era…

But can she eat someone for her money?

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That's because Marc Bannerman's ex-girlfriend is on the scene, and she's shrieking about HIV. Sarah Matravers – the girl who Marc Bannerman effectively cheated on by trying to cop off with Cerys Matthews after looking at her arse for a millisecond in the jungle in I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, has decided to get herself checked out down the STD clinic after hearing claims that Marc Bannerman had already been unfaithful to her. Quite why Sarah Matravers has decided to tell the whole world this is beyond us, but at least we're learning that bellowing "SHUT UP!" at the TV until we're blue in the face doesn't actually make people on TV shut up. So that's something.

Remember the days when all contestants on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here would get was a semi-regular guest spot talking about unusually large babies on The One Show? Jordan and Peter Andre buggered that right up for everyone, didn't they? Now everyone who ever goes on the show wants a charity single to release and a bloody ITV2 chatshow, or at least wall-to-wall media coverage about something that everyone stopped caring about a second after I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here finished on Friday.

And that's certainly been the case with Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews. You see, even though they spent 15 minutes together eating various pieces of animal genitalia on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews are in love, even though he had a girlfriend at the time and is accused of getting a bit punchy with women and she's a single mother or two with hands that look like eagle claws made out of smashed-up cornflakes.

We know that Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews are in love because Cerys Matthews spoke about their love in a Sunday newspaper while sitting naked in a bubbling jacuzzi sipping champagne in a Crocodile Dundee hat, which means it must be true.

But what about Marc Bannerman's jilted girlfriend Sarah Matravers? It must be dreadful to watch helplessly as your boyfriend tries to cop off with other women on live TV – and then learn that he may have already been unfaithful with a barmaid – so surely Sarah Matravers deserves our pity, right?

Well, no, because by all accounts she's an idiot too. In an attempt to convince the entire male population of the universe that she's an ultra-hysterical nutter who can flick between coy baby-talk and murderous red-eyed screaming at the drop of a hat, Sarah Matravers has decided to tell the whole wide world that she's getting checked out for diseases because Marc Bannerman looks like he might have AIDS. Or something:

"I worry that, if everything is true, he may have had unprotected sex with other women. I'm going to have some tests in case I've caught anything … yes, I'm going to have the full tests – for everything, including HIV… Cerys only got divorced last month. The most bizarre thing is that she's been so caught up with Marc, she's barely mentioned her children. This is a man she's only known for a week, a man who she knew had a girlfriend. It's either incredibly cold-hearted or incredibly screwed up. They deserve each other. I hope they rot in hell."

Personally we think rotting in hell is a little harsh – we'd be happy if Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews just went somewhere out of bloody earshot for once, and took Sarah Matravers with her. Yap yap yap, all the sodding time. It's like living with a bunch of especially self-absorbed terrier puppies, only they're slightly harder to drown in brick-filled binbags.

Of course, only a cynic would suggest that Sarah Matravers is making such a public fuss about Marc Bannerman so that she'll be allowed to go on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here next year and cop off with another D-list celebrity so she can babble on about how happy she is and sell pictures of them both feeding ducks in the park to OK! magazine, but that is transparently what she does want, so we'll suggest it anyway.

Read more:

Jungle 'love rat' Marc's distraught girlfriend: I'm getting tested for HIV – Daily Mail 

You see, even though Mark Bannerman had a girlfriend and Cerys Matthews had hands that looked like geriatric scrotum-skin stretched across several wire coathangers, the pair of them fell in love during their time on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. And not just any kind of love, either – Mark Bannerman and Cerys Matthews found the kind of deep everlasting love that only washed-up popstars and people from failed wrestling-based reality TV shows can encounter after spending 15 minutes in a cleared-out piece of forest together. And, by christ, we wish they'd both shut up about it.

So Christopher Biggins is the winner of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, but any idiot could have predicted that. But while Christopher Biggins uses his victory to go through the traditional pikey supermarket advert-based career rebirth, the rest of the world can go back to discussing the real big story from I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here – the burgeoning love between Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews.

Those of you who watched I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here – or read any newspapers, listened to any local radio or overheard any conversation between a couple of dumpy housewives on the bus for that matter – will be aware of the story of Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews. Although Marc had a long-term girlfriend, the thought of spending a few days in a jungle with the Road Rage woman and not trying to touch her boob was enough to make him be a bit unfaithful. Knowing that his feelings for Cerys Matthews were stronger for his his girlfriend because Cerys was closer at the time and it was all on the telly, Marc and Cerys kissed and instantly fell in love.

It's love in the truest sense of the word, too – where two people who haven't been even vaguely famous for a decade decide they want to spend the rest of their lives together even though the sum total of their shared experience adds up to one awkward kiss and occasional glances of each other washing their arses in a river. And now Cerys Matthews is ready to talk about her feelings for Marc Bannerman, in the form of a newspaper interview that she got paid loads of money to do. Cerys told the News of The World:

"Neither of us intended to hurt anybody. It literally came out of the blue—and it was something that we couldn't really stop once we'd spent so much time together. We wouldn't have done any more, though. That's why Marc and I get on. We've got similar old-fashioned morals. We didn't do anything physically wrong, but there WAS a mental connection… But yes, I'm in love with Marc and I think he feels the same. I'd like us to spend the rest of our lives together—I've found a soulmate and because I'm a hopeless romantic I want to be with him for ever."

We have to admit that Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews do make a lovely, morally old-fashioned couple, in that she's already got a couple of kids from a failed marriage and he's been accused of domestic abuse.

And maybe this relationship between Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews will survive in a post-I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here environment. Fingers crossed that it does, because by our calculations the thing that the world currently needs most of all is a rival I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here couple to act as competition to Jordan and Peter Andre. Because, you know, they might eventually kill themselves fighting each other over an OK! photo shoot or an offer of a low-rent Five Life reality TV show. And then we'd just have Janice Dickinson left to worry about.

Read more:

It Was Like A Thunderbolt – News Of The World 

But what a series of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here it’s been! Full of classic I’m A Celebrity moments that people will talk about for years – like when, um, some on them sat in a van for a while and, er, the fat woman threw a semi-tantrum that lasted for about an atosecond. Ah, television gold.

But now that I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here is shedding micro-celebrities with every passing day, who’s going to win? Here are the I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds for Gemma Atkinson, Cerys Matthews, Jason Brown, Janice Dickinson and Christopher Biggins, with help from Paddy Power…

Gemma Atkinson – We can’t decide whether Gemma Atkinson deserves to win I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here or not, and here are our reasons why: Cons – we’re already sick of not being able to walk past a newsagents without seeing Gemma Atkinson’s greased-up tits leering down at us from the covers of Nuts and Zoo and Arena and Maxim and FHM and Loaded all the time, and if she wins it’ll only get worse. Plus, failure to win I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here might crush Gemma’s dreams of releasing an album, and that’s in everyone’s interests. Pros – actually, no, we’re pretty certain that we don’t want Gemma Atkinson to win I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here after all. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 20/1

Cerys Matthews – So it seems that Cerys Matthews has spent the last decade of hopeless non-fame brushing up on her man-stealing skills, because throughout I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here she’s done a rather good job of making Beppe’s Brother From EastEnders‘ girlfriend cry a lot. Surely the British public won’t be able to throw themselves behind Cerys Matthews to win I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here – not because of her confused ideology when it comes to relationships, but because she’s got a nasty pair of granny-claws. Urgh, granny-claws. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 11/1

Jason Brown – Sweet baby Moses we’re confused. Jason Brown hasn’t been kicked out of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here yet, even though he possesses about as much charisma as a month-old dogturd and looks like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia when he tries to grow a beard. Maybe the unthinkable is true – maybe people actually liked 5ive. Did people like 5ive enough to make sure that Jason Brown wins I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here? That’s a prospect so terrifying that we can’t even bring ourselves to contemplate it. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 6/1

Janice Dickinson – You know what I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here would have been without Janice Dickinson? A bunch of not-very famous people living in the woods. And with Janice Dickinson? A bunch of not-very famous people living in the woods with an angry American bawling in the background all the time. Janice has been as near to a must-watch contestant as I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here has got this year and, although a wombat cadaver would have got the same title compared to the likes of Anna Ryder Richardson, we can’t help feeling that Janice Dickinson is going to be getting her own ITV1 show in the very near future. That or she’ll end up advertising Iceland prawn rings like the rest of them all seem to do. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 9/2

Christopher Biggins – Christopher Biggins is the kind of man who, if you showed him a video of his family being mauled to death by a lion, would probably chuckle and comment on what a jolly lovely mane the lion has got. Because nothing phases Christopher Biggins, apart from rats crawling all over his sleeping body – and even then his idea of ‘phased’ is to make a noise like a pantomime dame being goosed. Look, we’ll be honest with you – we just want Christopher Biggins to win I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here so that he can host a brand new series of On Safari with Gillian Taylforth. It’ll happen, people. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 2/5

Tomorrow - Strictly Come Dancing betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

It’s just as well that we’re here, isn’t it? We’ve got all the latest I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds for you right here, and even though the betting odds are deadly accurate at time of writing, we feel we should drop a few disclaimers here for the sake of transparency: 1) We can’t stand I’m A Celebrity get me Out Of Here, 2) No, really, we can’t stand it, 3) When Ant and Dec walk across that big bridge thing, we secretly wish it’d snap, 4) In our heads, we refer to I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here as I Can Hardly Be Construed As A Celebrity By Any Stretch Of The Imagination But If I Eat This Kangaroo Anus Perhaps Someone Will Give Me An Iceland Advert. In full. All the time.

So with that in mind, who’s going to win this year’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here? Here are this week’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here betting odds – for all of the contestants – with help from Paddy Power…

Lynne Franks – Supposedly the inspiration for Absolutely Fabulous, but we’re not convinced – as far as we can remember, Absolutely Fabulous wasn’t about a fat misery-guts who strops about like she’s possessed by the ghost of George Harrison. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 50/1

John Burton Race – I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’s resident red-eyed self-loathing celebrity chef. John Burton Race also happens to look a lot like Skeletor, but we haven’t decided if that’s a good or a bad thing yet. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 33/1

Anna Ryder Richardson – There’s no two ways about it; Anna Ryder Richardson must leave I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, because if she doesn’t there’s every chance she’ll become the new Linda Barker. And the world needs that like it needs to be stabbed to death by a tramp. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 25/1

Katie Hopkins – What a waste of a failed Apprentice candidate Katie Hopkins is on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Her place should have obviously been taken by Tre Azam, who’d have punched six crocodiles in the face by now. And he’d have chewed the arse off a live kangaroo. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 14/1

Jason Brown – Was once in 5ive, or so we’re told. Again, we’re not convinced – Jason seems to be so resolutely northern that he we can’t imagine he’d see singing, or in fact any other profession that doesn’t directly involve carrying coal up a ladder, as a bit poofy. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 14/1

Marc Bannerman – Used to be Dirty Beppe’s brother in EastEnders, was in Celebrity Wrestling and got convinced to take part in I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here by his friend Dean Gaffney. If you read all that without wanting to vote Marc Bannerman off, you’re made of stronger stuff than us. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 12/1

Rodney Marsh – The man who seems most intent on using I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here as his resignation letter from public life. Every second Rodney senses the cameras are on him he’ll say something offensive like “Women make such a fuss about childbirth” or “You know what I hate? All black people.” Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 10/1

Gemma Atkinson – What sets Gemma Atkinson apart from all the other girls from Hollyoaks? Well, she’s northern and, um, she looks OK in a bikini and, well, erm… no, that’s it, really. But at least the northern and bikini bits make her unique as far as the Hollyoaks cast goes, right? Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 6/1

Cerys Matthews – Three things have happened to Cerys Matthews since she was last famous a decade ago: 1) She’s taken an inexplicable liking to cockneys, 2) her boobs have suddenly got gigantic, and 3) she’s developed granny-claws. All of these things freak us out. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 5/1

Janice Dickinson – The only reason why people watch I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Forthright to the point of madness, we can see the British public taking to Janice Dickinson like it did to David Gest last year, except hopefully Janice won’t stink up the newspapers for a year afterwards like Gest did. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 9/2

Christopher Biggins – Ooh, it’s Christopher Biggins! Lovely Chrissy Chris Christopher Biggity Biggy Biggins! He’s so lovely, isn’t he, dear old Christopher Biggins? We hope Christopher Biggins wins I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, because… actually, what does Christopher Biggins even do? Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 2/1

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing betting odds! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power X Factor betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Malcolm McLaren – former Sex Pistols manager, composer of songs about skipping and the bloke from a recent advert for mayonnaise – has suddenly decided that he doesn't want to be a contestant on this year's I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here mere hours before the show is set to begin. Nobody is sure what prompted Malcolm McLaren to pull out of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here – the show where borderline famous people go to Australia, become the host body for all kinds of exotic skin-burrowing insects and survive exclusively on a diet of nothing but testicles and anuses – but it was probably because he couldn't stand spending a fortnight in the same campsite as that awful Changing Rooms woman.

Aside from filling every single one of its commercial breaks with the sort of idiotic jungle noises that you'd usually find in the new-age panpipe concession stand at Woolworths, ITV has always managed to hype I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here in the same way – by promising big names and then delivering names so small that you'd need a sub-atomic microscope and a laptop set to Wikipedia to work out who they actually are.

That's been exactly the case this year – last month the big rumour was that Paris Hilton would appear on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, but what's actually happened is that the only people appearing on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here are one of the interchangeable Hollyoaks titbots, a couple of people from bands you hadn't thought about in a decade and Malcolm McLaren.

Actually, scrap the last one – even though he flew all the way out to Australia to take part on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, it's been reported that Malcolm McLaren has changed his mind and decided to go home hours before its debut on ITV1 tonight, possibly because his fear of poisonous snakes is too great. 

No doubt the entire dramatic story of how Malcolm McLaren left I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here will be told on the show tonight – or at least it'll be as dramatic as you can make the sight of an old man interrupting his billionth month-long anecdote about how he invented hip-hop and was the brains behind The Sex Pistols to look at a snake and make a noise like a schoolgirl wetting herself. It's a shame, really, because Malcolm McLaren had said of himself beforehand that:

"I am utterly irresponsible, I am completely childish and probably everything this production team and society hate."

Now now Malcolm, 'hate' is a strong word. 'Have completely forgotten about' is a far more accurate substitute. But still, just because Malcolm McLaren has realised that chewing on kangaroo anuses isn't particularly the best way to spend one's time, it doesn't mean that I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here is without its big names. Also slated to appear tonight are:

* Her out of Catatonia

* Him out of 5ive

* The bloke from Celebrity Wrestling

* The world's most anonymous TV chef

* Inevitable Bikini Girl

* The woman from Changing Rooms. No, not that one. Or that one. The other one

* An annoying highly strung old lady 

* Another annoying highly strung old lady

* Rodney Marsh

But now that Malcolm McLaren won't be a part of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here any longer, it looks like the show's producers have no other option but to draft in a last-minute replacement. This could be the moment that Keith Chegwin has been waiting his entire life for.