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Here at hecklerspray, we’re generally less than thrilled when one of our colleagues has any success that we weren’t part of. In fact we hate them and wish them nothing but sorrow on a daily basis.
We generally despise anyone who seems to be doing well or progressing in their career because we’re entirely aware of how useless we really are and that the only difference between us and a 5 year old, is our ability to drink heavily and use spellcheck.
Are we bitter about this?
Former singer and current one-hit-wonder masquerading as a musical intellectual, Sinitta, has never been lauded for her intelligence or even for her musical talent but her latest move, “sensationally” quitting the ITV anus-fest “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!” before she even got as far as the airport.
According to sources, Sinitta was under the impression that the show was a massive hoax, put out by profligate executives who are willing to pay not only the wages of Geordie mafia boys Ant n’ Dec but also fork out for a luxury hotel for the stars to live in while they’re not being filmed.
Silly Sinitta.
In an ouroboros circle of narcissism that’s going to be the reason the universe implodes in on itself in 2012, Katie Price has been spotted with ankle ink that would appear to mark the date she met her latest boyfriend. Which would be fine. Except she’s been dating this latest guy for all of three months and change.
Katie and boyfriend-of-the week, Leandro Penna, have been spending time together since February. This February. The February during which everyone else was getting knocked-up or getting married.
Okay, okay. Maybe meeting and instantly falling in love with some bloke she just tripped over in the street is the lesser of those evils. So long as her womb stays empty and she doesn’t sprint down the aisle again, we’re not going to fight her on this one.
Katie Price loves horses. This is mainly because they don’t talk back to her or give her hassle about her terrifying face, which has been manufactured by the world’s worst plastic surgeons, determined to make her look like a Hubba Bubba/gallstone hybrid.
However, she has had some trouble with horses, notably the ones that the wheels of her car crushed to death!
That’s right! The Artist Formerly Known As Peter Andre’s Wife has been involved in a car crash that killed two runaway stallions. The tragic news is that the former Jordan has got whiplash.
Not that we’d ever say this to his face, but Alex Reid seems like a wee bit of a head case. The primary evidence for that is obviously the marriage to Jordankatieprice and becoming a de-facto stand-in for his body double and mental equal, Peter Andre.
Further than this damning evidence is pretty much every other titbit of information that drips out of the media about his personal life (that is, if a titbit can drip. One assumes it can).
There’s his made up names, ‘Roxanne’ for the cross-dressing, the ‘Reidinator’ for the fighting, ‘Rocky’ when he’s in the Big Brother house, ‘Peter’ when Katiejordanprice would get confused in bed and mix him up with his exact doppleganger. He gets his nutrition before a big fight from ‘reabsorbing’ his sperm to take on the nutrients (apparently they make him go ‘raaaaahh’, according to his Wikipedia page. Goodness!). And now reports have come out that he has been taking part in some kind of druidy festival up at Stonehenge.
Everybody on Earth… hang on… lets start that again. The small percentage of people in Britain who actually gave even the vaguest of fucks about Katie Price knew that, the second she tapped off with Alex Reid, he was being offered as bait.
Now, you can decide whether he was being offered to a false God, the press or, most likely, a jealousy maker for Peter Andre, but either way, it didn’t work. Unless you buy into the ‘false God’ theory, in which case, he’s now the walking dead (or ‘even deaderer’), occasionally in a nice frock.
Anyway, it didn’t take long for Price to realise that the bubblegum husband would soon lose his flavour and she ditched him like a bag of cats in a canal. And now, she wants to give the official line on the whole thing.
Of course, with Price being a successful author (hahahahaha) we can all assume that the statement she’s just release about the break-up will read like a Christopher Marlowe tragedy. So let us snap to it, with an addendum of Alex Reid haunting the marital home like some wailing spectre.
First, Katie’s moving tribute to the affairs of the heart.
Alex and I have had a number of difficulties over the past few months. I accept that these were in part caused by my marrying too quickly – we all make mistakes and this was one. However, Alex changed from the man I fell in love with and some of his behaviour became difficult for me to understand and caused issues. I have tried to help him with these issues but they have put a considerable strain on our relationship.
We can assume that she isn’t talking about the whole ‘dressing up like a girl despite looking like a perfect orange oblong with a man-face’ thing because she knew about that before the marriage. We can also assume that she didn’t like him being a successful cage-fighter because, well, he wasn’t a successful cage fighter. So what could it be?
Our difficulties were also not helped by Alex becoming more fascinated by life in the media eye. Obviously I cannot be critical of someone wanting to do this and originally I tried to help him with his career by getting him contracts with my production company. If Alex wants to honour those contracts the production company is more than happy to do so. However, Alex’s desire to promote himself caused a change in the dynamic of our relationship and contributed to our alienation.
Uh-oh! Sounds like someone wanted an equal share of the spotlight!
Alex and I have spent many hours discussing our relationship and trying to make it work but the issues between us are too deep rooted. I had hoped that we could end our relationship amicably and without a war of words in the media. I appreciate that there are those that will not believe that but I had agreed I would say nothing more than the statement we had jointly prepared. This was not because I am concerned what Alex may truthfully disclose but to give him comfort that I would not discuss the issues that so strained our relationship.
You can almost hear Price’s cogs whirring on this segment can’t you. You can almost hear her saying “What’s a nicer way of saying that I wasn’t going to call him a dick-end in public, but I’m going to have to now, because he’s acting like a massive dick-end’? to her ghost-writer.
I had hoped that Alex and I could remain friends but I am not sure if that is possible given events since last Sunday when we were on the verge of releasing a statement. Alex asked that we did not release any statement because he wanted more time to think. The intervening period has, however, seen a number of false stories appear and photographs of Alex with my son Junior in the gym which it is absolutely clear were posed for. Alex is fully aware that I have sought to remove my children from the public eye now they are of an age to understand and be affected by media coverage of them. I feel incredibly let down that he did this while asking me for more time to discuss our relationship and just hope that the stories circulating that he sold those pictures are not true.
Gah! Imagine that! Using your children in shots, posed for and orchestrated for use in magazines! What a dreadful shill he is, right?
It is true that I have asked Alex to leave the family home and that he will not do so. I would leave myself but the house is equipped for Harvey’s needs. Alex would like to portray himself as honourable and I hope he acts that way. Contrary to some reports I have not discussed financial matters with my divorce lawyers.
He won’t leave the house then. He possibly plans to stand in the corner, just glaring at the room whether Price and the family is sat in it or not. That’s because he’s a bit simple. Let us remember though, bizarrely, you people voted him as the winner of the last Celebrity Big Brother. You idiots.
I would like to make clear that the allegations that I have been dragging out any announcement so that my film crew can capture on film Alex’s upset are complete fabrication. I am deeply upset that my relationship with Alex has failed but I know it is the right thing for my children and I that we separate. My children are my absolute priority in this and they are being shielded from what is happening.
Ooooof! She was that close to shedding a tear then – provided of course, that her tear ducts are able to function properly after being hidden under 40 layers of creosote or whatever it is Price sticks on her presumably tiny head.
And so, here’s a helpful insider to leak more about how upset Katie Price is.
“She’s in tears. Kate has been trying to discover if he intends to return to her house. She has been texting all day but he’s refusing to reply. She is almost in terror of hearing his key in the door. She has no idea what his intentions are and refuses to tell her.”
Splendid. Now Alex Reid is being made to look like an unhinged stalker because, essentially, he hasn’t managed to move his things out of the marital home quickly enough.
Still, he probably is a bit mental isn’t he? Who in their right mind would marry Katie Price and think that it was a sensible, rational idea.
We greatly look forward to all this being chronicled in a new book or, better yet, a concept album called ‘That Bastard With The Square Head And Empty Eyes Won’t Move Out’. Hopefully, it’ll be as painful as this…
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Katie Price and Alex Reid looked like they were going to announce their inevitable split the other day, but alas, never quite got ’round to it. That’s a shame because every single one of us cares deeply about whether they’re having sex or not.
One of the things that seems to be a hurdle is that Katie is refusing to undergo IVF treatment. Are we to assume she doesn’t like messing around with nature and that things should unfold as God himself intended?
HAHAHAHAH! You’ve seen her tits and face, right?
Katie Price breaks news faster than she breaks the thick blooded heart of pro-lummox and punchbag, Alex Reid. That’s Alex Reid who likes to slip into something more fiddly like women’s clothes, from time-to-time. We are legally obliged to mention that.
Anyway, for ages, there have been mutterings that these two were going to split up. In fact, these rumours flew around in the first week of Reid and Price getting together. She clearly still loves Peter Andre doesn’t she? Because she’s quite obviously stupid.
The announcement is set to come very, very soon. This afternoon in fact. That’s right! hecklerspray are running a news article before it has even happened! We should have said ‘SPOILER ALERT’.
