Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
What do we know about Vanessa Feltz? Well, she’s going out with that singer from Phats & Small. She was once the female Robert Kilroy Silk with her vaguely reactionary? daytime show. She once wrote a book called What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples? I Need Them For The Fruit Salad!
Ummm. Oh, and she went absolutely stark-mental while appearing on Celebrity Big Brother, which everyone enjoyed.
So what’s she up to these days? Well, the answer to that is short and simple – flesh eating.
The gentleman here at hecklerspray love Adele. We love the thought of spending an afternoon in some Camden beer-garden with her, marvelling at her ability to sink pints of London Pride in a one-er, belch like Brian Blessed, un-selfconsciously wipe her mouth with the back of her hand, chain-smoke and swear like a sailor. She's our kind of lady.
What we don't love the thought of is having to listen to her sing any of her songs ever again.
So, news that doctors have ordered her to stick a long-overdue cork in her whine have been met with a collective sigh of relief. There's only so often you can listen to a lass caterwauling about some fella who ?done left her and that? without feeling the need to stab yourself in the eye just to have something more interesting to think about.
Before we even get going on this article, have you seen Adele’s chin? It’s the most odd chin in popular culture. It looks like someone has inserted a steel ‘W’ in her jaw. It looks like someone hit her in the face with a small axe. But Adele isn’t about the image, so she won’t care about that. She’s all about the songs. She’s the Susan Boyle it is okay to like. She’s The Voice.
A voice which she has lost, thanks to a bout of laryngitis. There are many who will be happy about this news, meaning that she won’t be appearing on our televisions with her awful faux torch-songs.
This, however, means that she’s had to cancel five dates she was due to play in North America. It is assumed that the self-pitying single women and melodramatic gay men who buy her records will be wallowing in her music, comfort eating and crying into online forums dedicated to the singer, currently with a face like a slapped arse.
For a few weeks the corner of the world that still cares about Janet Jackson has been asking one question – what’s wrong with the woman?
Janet Jackson has been cancelling swathes of concerts on her current Rock Witchu tour because of a mystery illness that suddenly took hold five minutes before a show in Canada. The fact alone that nobody would reveal the illness was a cause for consternation – but now we know.
Janet Jackson has been suffering from migraine-associated vertigo. We’re sure that Janet Jackson’s fans are all completely sympathetic to this diagnosis – don’t forget that symptoms of vertigo include nausea, vomiting and difficulty standing – all of which will be familiar to anyone who witnessed Janet Jackson pop a nork out during the Super Bowl halftime show of 2004.
Janet Jackson’s mystery illness hasn’t got any less mysterious over the last 24 hours, but it might have gone away – unless it hasn’t.
Although Janet Jackson has left the hospital that she admitted herself to after suddenly falling ill before a concert on Monday, she’s still decided to cancel upcoming concerts in Boston and Philadelphia while she recuperates. Meanwhile, the nature of Janet Jackson’s illness has yet to be revealed.
Did you get all that? There was a lot of complex information just there, so we’ll reiterate in much simpler terms – nobody knows. Nobody knows what’s been going on with Janet Jackson. And nobody cares. Nobody knows and nobody cares. And if you care you’re an idiot. Idiot.
There are some ‘are they-aren’t they?’ games that we prefer not to play, as they’re simply not as much fun as they should be.
Assuming that Angelina Jolie has had herself some kids is one version of the game we’re more than willing to play. Even when it’s as clearly wrong as some people can be. That’s almost fun, if you’re into that kind of thing.
But a new take on the game seems to have been popping up over the course of the year – first we had Patrick Swayze and his cancer that was definitely going to kill him within weeks, then it didn’t, leaving the public confused and Swayze looking healthier than ever. Now it’s the turn of Bernie “I took over from Bill Murray in Charlie’s Angels” Mac to keep the press and public frantically guessing as to whether he’s actually alive, dying or dead.
Frankly, it’s quite a morbid game and we don’t want to play much.
As Amy Winehouse so memorably put it in her famous hit "They tried to make me go to rehab/ I said 'wheeze gargle hurrrrrrp."
That's right – it appears that hoofing down crack and cigarettes all the time like a stinky old tramp hasn't done Amy Winehouse's lungs any good at all. According to her dad Mitch, in fact, Amy Winehouse has been diagnosed with the early stages of emphysema – a disease that'll kill her if she doesn't quit drugs immediately.
Now, obviously this isn't news because it's been discovered that Amy Winehouse is close to death – any fool has been able to see that for the last year or so – but because her contraction of emphysema has helped us complete our Amy Winehouse Disease Bingo card! Hooray! Now we just have to decide whether we go double or quits with weaponised Marburg. She doesn't already have that, does she?
A heart operation Kate Nash had when she was eighteen influenced her subsequent musical career, says FemaleFirst.
Ms. Nash had the operation after discovering she had the possibly life-threatening heart condition tachycardia and the thought of her imminent death apparently spurred the fake cockney on to pursue her present career in raping other people’s ears.
It's been a long time since we heard from Eminem, but in the meantime it looks like he's been keeping busy by eating cake and walking around in wet clothes.
It's been reported, you see, that Eminem went to hospital over the Christmas period because of a serious heart condition and complications from pneumonia, with sources adding that he's increased in weight to over 200 lb. Of course, this illness and massive weight-gain means that Eminem can't be called Slim Shady any more, and so he's thought to be deciding on a new name, with either Fatt Poorly or Pensioner'z Illnezz being current front-runners.
It's been a few hours since Britney Spears was wheeled out of her house on a stretcher, possibly on drugs, after a dispute with Kevin Federline over custody of their children.
So what more do we know now? Well, the main news is that Britney Spears has gone to hospital for tests. Not maths or spelling tests – it's far too early to put a strain like that on someone as fragile as Britney Spears – but psychological tests. After a run of weird behaviour that's lasted long over a year, doctors will soon check Britney Spears' system for drugs and alcohol and then begin to assess her mentally to see if she's a danger to herself, her kids or anyone else around her. This process might take anything up to three days, which means by Monday morning we'll know if Britney Spears is a heartbreaking sufferer of a mental illness of just a bit of an overdramatic numpty.
