Posts tagged as:

Ill

Bryan Ferry Admitted To Hospital And Is Seriously Ill

by Mof Gimmers

Bryan Ferry made some fine, fine records with Roxy Music didn’t he? If you leave it at that, he’s a good bloke. Look at some of his personal views and all that goodwill ebbs away into the ether while your knuckles whiten with rage. Nothing is worse than his cover version of ‘Jealous Guy’ though. [...]

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Zsa Zsa Gabor Will Be The Next Celebrity To Die

by Mof Gimmers

Zsa Zsa Gabor (that should read ‘Zsa Gabor’ after she had her leg amputated) has been rushed to hospital after she decided to go hysterical over the news of Elizabeth Taylor’s death. That’s because she’s convinced herself that she is going to be the next to die. According to her husband – Frederic von Anhalt [...]

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It Is Almost Impossible Not To Make Jokes About Zsa Zsa Gabor’s Leg Being Amputated

by Mof Gimmers

If you got every single Christmas that ever happened, it wouldn’t even be in the same universe as Zsa Zsa Gabor’s campness. She’s an astonishing woman who, simply by being herself, can make entire towns fall down laughing and cooing ‘AWW!’ However, sad news reaches the ‘spray bedsit as Zsa Zsa has had her leg [...]

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Non Cynical Happiness As Aretha Franklin Says Her Health Is ‘Superb’

by Mof Gimmers

Okay. We rip lumps from everyone on hecklerspray, but sometimes we like to be pleased for people because they’re just great. And one such person is Aretha Franklin, who owns one of America’s finest voices. Aretha hasn’t been very well recently and she was rushed into hospital, prompting everyone to start worrying about her shuffling [...]

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Michael Jackson Needs Two Lungs & A New Eye For Xmas

by Stuart Heritage

There’s no end to Michael Jackson’s talents – he can sing, dance, act and transform into a giant plasticine rabbit to elude his fans.

But there’s one thing that Michael Jackson can’t do particularly well at the moment, and that’s breathe. According to one of his biographers, Michael Jackson suffers from a potentially fatal lung disorder that requires an emergency transplant before it kills or blinds him.

Hopefully that’s not true because, if he has his lungs replaced, the only parts of Michael Jackson to actually belong to Michael Jackson will be three strands of armpit hair and a fragment of toenail.

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Winona Ryder Gets Ill, But Not Enough For You To Care

by Stuart Heritage

Now that she’s pushing 40, Winona Ryder can’t really pull off that pixie waif look any more, so it’s time for a change.

And, as such, Winona Ryder has decided to try out a brave new look for visit to London this week. It’s a look that fashion insiders have already dubbed ‘worryingly ill on an aeroplane chic’. And Winona Ryder pulls it off with aplomb, or at least she did yesterday when she got ill on an aeroplane to London and had to be rushed to hospital upon landing.

But don’t worry, solitary remaining Winona Ryder fan – despite rumours of an overdose, your skinny hero was quickly discharged from hospital. And for an extra dollop of good news, Winona Ryder left the airport by ambulance, so she didn’t even set off the metal detectors with all the cutlery she’d been compulsively stashing down her trousers for the duration of the flight (please don’t sue us for making that last bit up).

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Janet Jackson Suddenly Gets Poorly, Remaining Fan Upset

by Stuart Heritage

If there’s one thing more annoying than going to a Janet Jackson concert, it’s going to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada.

And if there’s one thing worse than going to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada, it’s getting ready to go to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada and then finding out you can’t because Janet Jackson’s gone and been struck by some sort of super mystery illness.

Which is what happened last night, as it happened. Five minutes before the opening act of Janet Jackson’s concert in Montreal was set to take the stage, Janet ‘suddenly fell ill’ and had to go to hospital. Nobody would say what illness Janet Jackson had, although it’s thought to be the rare Nogoodalbumsfortwodecades Syndrome. Or it might be something serious, in which case – whoops.

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Paul Newman ‘Doing Nicely’, World Breathes Sigh of Relief

by Ian Dransfield

There was a golden age in the movies when actors acted, when movies were interesting and when men were MEN. It was an age of moralising without snobbery, with heroes you wanted to be and leading men you wished you could just hug and say ‘thank you’ to. Paul Newman is a man from that [...]

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Janet Jackson In ‘Slightly Ill’ Shocker

by Stuart Heritage

Minor illnesses are being massively under-represented at the moment, so let’s all thank Jesus right now that Janet Jackson is doing something about it.

You see, Janet Jackson was supposed to be performing on Saturday Night Live this week but she’s dropped out because she’s got the sniffles. Or, as she likes to call it, ‘the flu’.

A fairly serious bout of flu nonetheless, because Janet Jackson wound up in hospital because of it, but on the bright side at least by pulling out of SNL Janet Jackson has stopped an audience of millions from catching whatever degenerative brain disease you get when you’re forced to watch a fortysomething woman repeatedly try to convince you of how sexy she is to a backing of tinpot R&B fluff.

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Eminem Gets Pneumonia & Goes To Hospital

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been a long time since we heard from Eminem, but in the meantime it looks like he’s been keeping busy by eating cake and walking around in wet clothes.

It’s been reported, you see, that Eminem went to hospital over the Christmas period because of a serious heart condition and complications from pneumonia, with sources adding that he’s ballooned in weight to over 200 lb. Of course, this illness and massive weight-gain means that Eminem can’t be called Slim Shady any more, and so he’s thought to be deciding on a new name, with either Fatt Poorly or Pensioner’z Illnezz being current front-runners.

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