Ill - HecklerSpray

Rihanna Is Not Dating Ashton Kutcher, Stopping Advent Of World’s Most Ghoulish Couple

March 29th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Did you hear the one about Rihanna being romantically linked to Ashton Kutcher? If you didn’t, you’ve not been reading hecklerspray and, frankly, we hate you for that. There has been reports that the two were knocking their uglies together though.

A dreadful, honking notion, don’t you think?

Well, it seems RiRi isn’t letting The Kutch part her lips with his long, coyote-esque peen which is great news for Demi Moore who looked for all the world like she was going to top herself over the whole thing. So what does Ri have to say about it all?

Demi Moore Understandably Devastated By Ashton Kutcher And Rihanna Having It Off With Each Other

March 28th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

In what universe is it okay to see Ashton Kutcher and Rihanna in a relationship? Just how did we smite thee god, to end up with such a repugnant pair, followed closely by a broken Demi Moore?

This is what is happening according to reports and rumours.

The vapid Kutch is rumoured to be having a thing with the odious, wearisome faux-nymph Rihanna, which of course, is ruining Demi Moore who has been looking rather unhinged and fragile since Bruce Willis left her some time in 4,000BC.

Ashton Kutcher To Be Sent Into Space (Where He’ll Probably Get Killed By Alien)

March 20th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

He’s littered film, blighted television, ruined Demi Moore’s life and now Ashton Kutcher is ready to spoil the impossible, empty beauty of space by flying there in a special space-plane. What a berk.

The Two and a Half Men star has officially signed up to go into space with Virgin Galactic’s billionaire founder, Richard Branson.

It is thought that Branson secretly plans to eject Kutcher into the deep, dark void and watch him explode among the hanging orbs, waiting for Alien to come and stick its tail straight through his massive neck. Stephen Hawking will watch from a circling ‘spectator drone’.

Demi Moore Still Obviously Insane: She Wants Ashton Kutcher Back

March 14th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

If you’ve been keeping an eye on Demi Moore, then you’ll agree that she’s looked pretty unhinged since Bruce Willis left her engineering miracle of an arse. Dead behind the eyes, motionless face and of course, willingly humping Ashton Kutcher.

Recently, she had a breakdown of sorts and went to rehab after taking some recreationals in the fallout of Kutch having sex with a young woman in a hot tub. On his wedding anniversary to Demi.

So, while no-one really cares whether Moore pulls out of this funk, we have to show vague,?condescending concern about her because that’s what gossip rags are supposed to do. The honest among you will be tickled pink at the notion that she’s still completely fucking insane thanks to the rumour that she is gulpingly desperate to get Ashton back. Drugs eh?

Demi Moore Hates Cameron Diaz So Much, She Bans Her From A Party She Didn’t Even Go To

February 27th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Even though she’s apparently holed-up in some rehab or other, whacked off laughing gas and a potential eating disorder, that doesn’t mean Demi Moore hasn’t got the time to be a raving, controlling lunatic as well.

See, even though she wasn’t ever going to attend any Oscar parties this year, that didn’t stop her from reportedly banning?Cameron Diaz from Madonna’s annual Oscars soiree.

And why on Earth would she want to ban Cameron Diaz from a party she’s not attending? Well, ladies and gentleladies, it is all based around jealousy.

Do You Want To See Some Distressing Pictures Of Macaulay Culkin?

February 10th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

You may remember him from Home Alone and Uncle Buck, but there’s much more to?Macaulay Culkin than those two films. Actually, now you mention it, there isn’t. That’s all he’s ever done. Ever.?

Okay, that’s not really true either.

The other thing Culkin is famed for is the fact he had the temerity to grow older and develop into an increasingly less-cute thing on its hind legs. He basically went from adorable and annoying, to forgettable and hideous. HOWEVER! He’s back in the news and people are pointing at his cheek bones and gurgling at how appallingly thin he is… and yes, we’ve got the pictures.

George Michael’s Doctor Ruins Christmas For Everyone

December 21st, 2011 By Joanna Bolouri

You’ll all be pleased to know that singer George Michael is making good progress as he recovers from a recent bout of pneumonia in Vienna. ?That’s good isn’t it? He’ll be cocking around the Christmas Tree in his giant house just in time to watch the Queen’s speech, before driving off somewhere, ?full of festive pot and making us all throw our paper hats into the fire in disgust.

The 48 year old singer fell ill in Austria last month and breathing difficulties meant he was stuck in intensive care, while you lot ate your selection boxes early and speculated about stuff that was none of your business.

Earlier in the week boyfriend Fadi Fawaz claimed the singer would be out of hospital by December 25th and suggested there was nothing to worry about. ?So that’s settled then isn’t it?

Is George Michael Going To Die Of Pneumonia Or What?

November 24th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

George Michael must’ve been running around the heath without his vest on because he’s gone and got himself a nice dose of pneumonia, which means that Hev from Eastenders won’t be able to go to his gigs because he went and cancelled them.

Y’know, because of the pneumonia?

George was hospitalised on Monday in Austria, so this must be a pretty bad cold he’s got. We need to know exactly how bad it is though, for a myriad of reasons. We basically need to be told whether he’s about to die or not.

Terrorist Plot To Destroy The Saturdays Is Thwarted By Its Lack Of Existence

November 4th, 2011 By Kris Silver

DON?T PANIC EVERYONE! Frankie from The Saturdays has been found alive and well! Go back about your business.

The World was left in a state of shock when The Saturdays pitched up on London’s Oxford Street to turn on the Christmas lights, only to find that Frankie (the one people know the name of) wasn?t there.

It turns out that the former S Club Juniors singer was just feeling a bit poorly, so wasn?t able to join her band mates when they officially started Christmas on Tuesday evening.

Zsa Zsa Gabor Rushed To Hospital While Hulk Hogan’s Ex-Wife Offers Her Womb

May 5th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Poor old Zsa Zsa Gabor. She’s really not very well at all. She’s had one of her legs cut off and now, after a string of health problems, she’s back in hospital again with severe pneumonia symptoms, leaving her with water on her lungs.

We’d suggest that her family are distraught, but alas, her ninth husband – Prince Frederic von Anhalt – seems to be rather enjoying the attention.

Of course, he can be seen with his little eyes welling up during his many hospital visits, but that’s not stopped him from winking at Hulk Hogan’s ex-wife and noticing what a fine, working womb she has. Seriously.