Idiots - HecklerSpray

Ten Things We’ve Learnt From Last Night’s Apprentice

August 6th, 2012 By Robin Darke

We?d like to say that seeing another group of self obsessed diehard Conservatives hog our TV?s for the next twelve weeks will be torture. We?d also like to say that seeing them get into every possible problem when dealing with sausage rolls/balloons/bread (delete as appropriate) won't make our funny bones tingle with what we can only presume osteoporosis feels like.

We?d also like to say that seeing the man who resembles a distended scrotum playing God with people?s lives isn't a thrilling act of voyeurism.

But we can't. From start to end The Apprentice is a fantastic hour of TV that, if nothing else, reminds people from the North that people who want to better themselves by fannying around with Profit and Loss sheets and ?marketing? will ultimately get slapped down by a man who's hair could grease enough frying pans to make a million bacon sandwiches. And make him into the modern day equivalent of Jesus and his Amazing Fish Trick.

The Apprentice Returns With A Cast Of Socially Retarded Business Enthusiasts

March 14th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

Think of big businesses and most people will be drawn to images of fat cat bankers rubbing their genitals with ?50 notes and generally having a better time than anyone. Hated by society, there is at least one teddy bear like businessmen we all wish was giving us financial advice.

That's right; it's none other than lovable tyke Lord Sir Mister Alan of Sugar.

As a child wheeler dealer, his greatest achievement to date has been the contraption we all know and love, the combined e-mail phone device called the [email protected] That product has of course been a success story to all our lives.

Readers’ Letters: “The Ballad Of Rough Lesbian Sex” Or “How To Deal With A Slow Week”

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

You’re stunningly dull sometimes, readers.

We toil away, day after day writing some of the most libellous nonsense on the internet and all you have to say is “Ha.” or “Good work.” or maybe the occasional, “Yes, I agree with your pathological dislike of digestive biscuits”.

This week has seen our foetid pouch of correspondence whimper under the sheer weight of your tiresome opinions. Not once did we read something that truly shocked us and not once did we cry out with joy at someone’s obsessive missive. That being said, we have to make a feature out of it so here’s us over-reacting to your comments.

Readers’ Letters: “This Dude Has Some Issues” Or “How I Learned To Stop Worrying & Take Loads Of Crack”

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Well, knock us down with a feather. It must be that time of the week again.?The time when we force our hands into the stinking, wretched filth that comes into the hecklerspray mailbox.

To give you an idea of what our mailbag actually resembles, allow us to paint you a picture. With words. Imagine taking a bowl of delicious, ripe fruit and writing a series of misguided, offended or just plain idiotic messages on each pieces and then leaving it to rot. Then imagine putting the pulped, putrid remains of the fruit into a plastic carrier bag and leaving it in a very humid room for a couple of weeks.

Readers’ Letters: In Which You All Dribble Over Scarlett Johansson’s Breasts [Video]

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Every week, we have the unfortunate task of picking our way through your crusted correspondence to find the most depraved, hideous scrawlings to put on the site for everyone to laugh at. This week, it was a little bit easier as our drooling mass of a readership left a slug trail right to some of the most sexually-charged content that has ever deposited itself in our post bag thanks to a certain Ms. Scarlett Johansson.

Yes, everyone’s favourite bombshell had her phone hacked as hecklerspray brought the curious masses a skin-exclusive and everyone wanted to get in touch to reveal their masturbatory habits. There’s also veiled threats from Kasabian’s representatives, a singing Michael Jackson and a screaming INXS nutter, all with Editor Mof just over the jump.

Reading/Leeds Is Imminent! Let’s Play Festival Bingo!

August 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Festivals are unrelentingly miserable. They are. You may think they’re not but they really are hellish places filled with hellish people. If you disagree, you’re probably one of those revellers who make sane humans cry with frustration.

And this weekend sees the Reading/Leeds festival kicking off. There’s no question that organisers and attendees will be saying things like “it’s going to be the best yet!” despite the fact it is going to be the same as every piggin’ festival on the planet.

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

Katie Price And Piers Morgan: A Perfect Reason To Blow Up Your TV!

July 10th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

There are some moves people will make to maintain credibility, and there are some moves which end up being quite misinformed.

Can you guess which side Katie Price (or “Jordan” if you prefer her hooker name) being interviewed by Piers Morgan (or “Twat” if you prefer his real name) would fall into?

But what if we throw in the fact that poor Katie broke down in tears during the interview, making out as if she were the victim to Peter Andre’s evil ways?

Then it would be secret option three: you’re only hurting yourself and my god we wish Piers Morgan would just die.

Ashanti Doesn’t Want You To ‘Murder’ People Anymore

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

PR stunts are wonderful things. Well, that’s a lie – they tend to be pretty rubbish in the most part, and aside from the odd grandiose piece of artistic wondery they tend to highlight how awful the world of marketing and PR is.

Just ask Ashanti, whose marketing team decided it would be a good idea to encourage ultraviolence, if not murder, with fans of the R&B ‘star’.

It’s a bold move, that’s for sure, but we can’t help but think it’s one that should have had a little more thought put into it before being unleashed on the world.