idiot - HecklerSpray

Snooki Is Pregnant And Engaged – The World Is Broken

March 6th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Imagine for a moment, waking up in a bed, having willingly had sex with Jersey Shore star, Snooki. Once you’d scraped off 8 gallons of fake-tan residue off your stomach, you’d then need to start scrubbing the shame off yourself with wire-wool.

Only then can you start thinking about the fact you rogered Snooks without a condom on and that she was starting the process of harvesting a symbiotic thing inside her orange abdomen.

And then you see the engagement ring on her finger. You bought it for her. You remember proposing. You start to reevaluate your life and give in to that crippling tide of gloom that rises from your weakened knees, all the way into your nauseated stomach. Somewhere, all this translates into a single, solitary tear on your cheek. The world, it seems, is a cruel and unforgiving place and you’re stuck like Sysiphus.

Charlie Sheen Slopes Into The News With Some Legal Action Stuck To His Head

February 16th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

It’s coke week on hecklerspray and the latest trouble mental celebrity on our pages is our old chum Charlie Sheen who has stopped pretending to have feline blood and offering chandliers out for a fight, just in time to be threatened with legal action by his former employers!

Hurray for stupid Charlie Sheen who can’t do a thing right thanks to addling his little walnut of a brain with a concoction of high quality drugs and glamour models.

What a spectacular berk he is.

Johnny Marr Is Right To Say That Use Of Smiths Songs On Adverts Doesn’t Sully Their Memory

November 17th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

There has been the vague, wet, typical outpouring of mild-ire surrounding an indie band allowing one of their songs to be used in advertising. It’s ‘selling-out’ apparently. And god knows, that’s the worst thing an indie band can be accused of, right?

And of course, there’s a terribly saccharine John Lewis advertisement that’s doing the Christmas rounds this year which features a cover version of The Smiths’ ‘Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want’.

Johnny Marr is at pains to point out that the song featuring in a commercial doesn’t sully the memory of the song at all and The Smiths haven’t sold out, actually. And you know something, he’s right to say that it doesn’t sully the memory of the band.

Liam Gallagher Likes Picking On People With Mental Health Issues

November 14th, 2011 By Michael Park

Are you a big Liam Gallagher fan? One of those people that claims that ‘Definitely Maybe?’ is one of the finest albums ever made and believes the knuckle-dragging Gallagher brother to be a tortured musical genius? Read something else. This article isn’t for you.

Why is it not for people like that? It’s simple: those people are wrong.

Gallagher is so obsessed with his own self-anointed position of “Outspoken Rock Star” that he’s pretty much willing to take a pop at anyone for no reason whatsoever. If he’s not telling reporters that he wants to kill people who use twitter or hiding in a corner, terrified of the moving little men in his television, our Liam is having a dig at people with mental health issues.

Piers Morgan Is Leaving America’s Got Talent But Unfortunately Plans To Stay In The Public Eye

November 11th, 2011 By Michael Park

There’s only one way to start an article about Piers Morgan and that’s with an unabashed string of obscenities and threats aimed squarely at the former Mirror editor and dough-faced clown. Unfortunately though, we have to be (minutely) more professional than that and would therefore urge you to launch your own insults at this image of his pompous face.

Still, what brings us to bother writing about alleged phone-hacker and self-confessed crymaxer, Morgan?

Well, it turns out that he’s had enough of being a sideshow to Howie Mandel (whoever the hell that is) and is taking time out to focus on becoming America’s most hated Pariah.

Blur’s Alex James Hates Music Teachers And Primary Schools

November 4th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Alex James. Remember when you fancied him? You were cooler than your friends because they all fancied Damon when eyeing up Blur like a sexy meat hamper. Alex James was the dreamboat on bass and oh! How he made you swoon.

Sadly, for The Alex James Fan Club, he’s always been an unbearable peen. We’ve been told first hand by one member of Blur that people have to write his basslines for him and he copies them for live shows.

And of course, these days, he’s an even bigger weapon. He makes cheese and has named some of his children Geronimo, Artemis and Galileo. AND BETTER YET, he likes hanging around with Jeremy Clarkson and David Cameron (see above) AS WELL AS running a festival which has financially crippled a primary school!

X-Factor?s Matt Cardle In Human Atrocity Hilarity!

October 21st, 2011 By Paul Pencott

Odious slit-eyed dolt Matt Cardle has decided to further distance himself from the leagues of likeability this week by joining the ranks of Charlie Sheen, Lee Ryan, David Shayler et al by making dubious comments regarding the circumstances surrounding 9/11.

Whilst dodging his destined career as a Wetherspoons deputy-manager, the unflattering-hat enthusiast has stated that:

“The whole 9/11 thing… something’s not quite right there.”

What’s All This About Shia LaBeouf Trying To Stab People?

October 20th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

You know Shia LaBeouf don’t you? Yeah. He’s that insultingly dim thing that’s like shrink-wrapped ham on legs, waddling around with his film career and floozies. What else does he do?

Oh yeah! He gets in fights in bars! That’s a hoot isn’t it?

What’s even better is that someone’s accused him of threatening to stab someone. STAB! STAB! VENDETTA! VENDETTA! Yup. That’s right. A famous face thinking that no-one will mention it to anyone if he starts offering to slit people’s throats.

Morrissey Is Clearly Having A Breakdown As He Compares Norway Killings To Fast Food

August 1st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Is Morrissey having a very public nervous breakdown? It certainly seems that way. See, at the moment, you can’t move for stories about him being wildly erratic and saying things which aren’t as considered as they once were.

Of course, The Mozfather has always been good for a quote and, indeed, regardless of the fact he has contributed to some of the most awful music ever cut to wax, he was always worth reading about.

However, these days he’s less a vinegary old tart with a razor sharp wit and more a bumbling idiot, dribbling out nonsense in a bid to get any sort of attention from the world. No, he’s not ordering security staff to strip-search the people of Middlesbrough for secreted meats, but comparing the savage killings in Norway to fast-food.

David And Victoria Beckham Have A Baby And Call It ‘Half Past Seven’ Or Something Stupid Like That

July 11th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

This weekend has been Baby Weekend, with a myriad of slebs all dropping sprogs. Matt Bellamy and Kate Hudson have had one, but no-one really cares about a Goldie Hawn’s daughter and a singer who looks like his whole face has been pinched in a vice every morning for the last two decades.

No, the big celebrity baby story of the weekend is David and Victoria Beckham’s little girl. She was cut out of the former Spice Girls’ stomach, to protect her tiny papercut of a front-bum from being stretched to snapping point, leaving her with one famous orifice.

And of course, they needed a name for this little bundle of potential let-down… and they’ve gone for Harper Seven.